How Do You Deal With The Pain You Cause?

[carapace]

Good grief. This week has been bad for me.

Last weekend my mom asked me if I would like to go to a nice restaurant. We went and it was great.

On the drive home my mom put on some loud music and sang real loud. This is a trigger for me. I asked her to stop and she was lle "I'm just having fun". Needless to say I blew up on her from the car ride home to a good 40 minutes at home. And then I realized that I lost control. I hate the physical effects of ptsd.

She is real distant and spiteful now. Little disappointments and problem quickly flare into arguments.

I feel bad about the whole damn thing and it hurts more each day.

So my question is how the hel do you handle this? I have my own shit and the other shit is way more to deal with.

A big part of me wants to just hide away until the dust settles. It just nags at me. :poke::stupid:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Although your mom was playing the music too loud, and singing to loud may have triggered you, there are times that we need to just step back from our triggers, and anger. It is our shit and sometimes we need to deal with it instead of lashing outward at others.......

I know that people here might not appreciate what I am saying, but it's my opinion.

Your mother may not have understood your position, or it may have been that she really was just having fun. In any event I think it's unfair of us to impose our triggers/reaction too triggers on other people all the time. There are just times that our reaction to things isn't necessary to that degree.....

What would be more effective is LEARNING coping skills, grounding skills or meditation during these difficult times.

 

[morgan]

I agree with She on this one. My mother does that every time we ride in the car together and it's not just the volume but the kind of music she plays that triggers me. I don't want my mother to feel that she has to walk on eggshells around me so I just manage myself and sometimes I do it by singing along. Whatever it takes to make me feel better.

Often we end up having a good time or discussing our failing singing voices together.

I think you should apologize. You probably hurt her feelings. Not to mention ruined her fun.

Best wishes, Morgan

 

[Grama-Herc]

I use to do the same thing and sometimes I still do, even though I try to watch myself.

I finally sat my mother down and did my best to explain all the insane things that this condition makes us do. I tryed to help her see that I don't have "normal" reactions like other people. I also explained that things that do not bother others can push me over the edge without any warning.

She has since tryed to learn everything she can about all this and has a much better understanding-----or should I say as much as someone WITHOUT this can understand!

Talk to your mom. Apologize to her and explain as best you can that this is YOUR issue not hers. Good luck and keep her close to you---She is the only mom ya got!

 

[Dylan]

Oh, Carapace, that is such a good question.

I am currently attempting to push the envelope by having what I call a "zero tolerance" for a certain behavior (when I'm triggered I can be caustic with my partner). Time and time again, I'm having to apologize as I try to strengthen my ability to insert a space between "stimulus" and "reaction". It's not easy! This is hard damn work. I've begun to learn to go off by myself, saying, "I'm triggered...I'll get back with you" (I know, hard to do in a car).

Part of my PTSD is looking externally and, when triggered, it's heightened. It's natural that I want whatever is stimulating the trigger to STOP, and get angry when it doesn't. Anger for me is a sign that I am willing to protect myself - not bad, in and of itself.

But (and here's the hard part), I am learning to try and turn within when triggered. My alarms are telling me to look out there - after all, that's where the 'danger' is! But, when I manage to look toward comforting msyelf, trusting MYSELF to take care of me, I feel much, much stronger. My feeling like someone else has to alter their behavior so that I'm not overwhelmed is just a sign that I don't feel like I can take care of myself. That's ok....this is a process.

If I know that my skills don't match the situational trigger, I try to make a plan to help myself (i.e. bring along an iPod to listen to classical music loudly....a meditation chant CD etc. Bring earplugs. Be loud yourself - that can be empowering!). If all else fails (my skills, my plan, etc) it's clear that my skills aren't quite up to the job yet, and I try avoid the situation for awhile until I feel stronger.

For me, excessive guilt/self-blame is destructive, as is excessive self-excusing. To be accountable to others, I have to make every attempt to control my behavior. To be accountable to myself, I need to know I can take care of myself and make myself feel safe. There's a balance there - accountability for behavior and compassion.

Thanks for opening this thread, Carapace. This is an issue I struggle with in many areas - from very subtle (i.e. listening to gossip because I'm so afraid of being ostracized/on the outside) to the very obvious.

-Dylan

 

[Animal]

have you thought about maybe finding a good article on triggers and printing it off for your mum to read. It might just be that she dosnt understand and is not sure how to react to things.

Also coping mechnisms for triggers are great to practise so that it dosnt rule your life too much.

 

[starshine]

Can you tell us a bit about why it's such a trigger for you? This might help us help you more.

 

[carapace]

Can you tell us a bit about why it's such a trigger for you? This might help us help you more.

Sure.

It would help to explain my traumas as a whole to not only explain this trigger but to also as a honest introduction of what I've been through.

When I was 4 my mom had very strong suspicions that I was sexually molested by a male babysitter. The only reason why she didn't pursue anything was because my dad was good friends with the family of the babysitter and he didn't want to make waves. So my mom was silent. I have no memories so they may be repressed.

Then I actually was molested by a male cousin of mine. And the trauma was heightened because my dad happened to catch the cousin in the act. He was about 9 at the time but my dad slammed him to the ground (I think he always had ptsd).

Flash forward a few years and then my parents are divorced. My mom abandons me occasionally and sleeps around. And this is where the noted trigger starts. Almost as soon as she is divorced she becomes an alcoholic and weekly brings strange men into our place. Loud music, feeling hungry from not eating enough, and the sounds of my mom having sex with strange people at 7 years of age brought this trigger on. Loud music and my mom's voice when she is loud bring this trigger on.

Then add other traumas afterwards (through the years) like almost overdosing on drugs, being mugged by a gang, my father threatening to kill me, and my mom resenting and abandoning me all over again is all it took for me to get ptsd (unofficially at least- I have a psych evaluation in a few days and I have been researching ptsd enough to strongly believe that I have it)

 

[carapace]

I want to add that currently me and my mom have patched things up. I don't want to risk my pain to be added unto hers and then I am blocked out of her life again. There has been too many positive strides for it all to go up in smoke. I'm getting help for myself and everyone concerned/affected by this ptsd junk.

I have apologized and things are somewhat better now.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Knowing that this is a trigger for you helps us to better understand, but the end result is.....Hiding, escaping from, denying, or stuffing your triggers isn't a good thing. You need to face them, work through them, in order to desensitize yourself from them. Doing this with the help of a therapist to teach you coping skills and grounding skills is the only way to go.