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Relationship How do you deal with this? Other than give him the time he needs?

L

Laney1224

I’ve been reading a lot on PTSD because this is really my first encounter with it.

I’ve been seeing a man, recently retired from the military. Not only does he have PTSD from his service but I suspect also from past relationships.

The whole time we have spent together was unlike any I have spent with anyone, we have a special connection and it is a beautiful feeling… until it wasn’t. After expressing his feelings for me with those three little words he literally turned on a dime and said he needed to regroup.

I gave him his space and the next week he reached out, we went to lunch where he told me he had been paralyzed with fear after he said that and our weekend away. I thought after we talked and spent the next weekend together that we were going to be ok..FaceTime, texts, all week from him until he went quiet again. When I messaged him and asked why he was so quiet again he said he was so sorry but he wasn’t ready or capable of a relationship “right now”.

We are two weeks now of silence. The longest two weeks of my life. I have never been more confused in my life but then I started reading about how this is common with people who are dealing with PTSD and that would make sense how you could go from I love you to I can’t at the drop of a hat.

I love this man, he was completely unexpected in my life and I wouldn’t change a moment but how do you deal with this? Other than give him the time he needs?
 
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Give him the time he needs. Is he being treated? He told you he isn’t capable of a relationship at this time. He may never be. Believe him. Every relationship has a special connection, so we like to think. But maybe it is untenable. At least he told you instead of stringing you along. Go on with your own life. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t or did not care, merely that he cannot cope with the stressors of the relationship, as positive as you think they may be. He may reach out again. And he may not. You don’t say how long you have been together, but it sounds like things progressed quickly, which isn’t necessarily healthy in a PTSD or non PTSD relationship. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
 
I am guilty of the disappearing act too. For me I get emotional overload which I now understand is emotional deregulation. If I speak in that state it all comes out wrong and I make the situation so much worse. I stuff my feeling until it gets to be too much so I run. My wife and I never go beyond a heated discussion, thank God, but I know I have caused her years of pain. I my case this only arises with people I love dearly. He may be feeling as I do, with love in his heart but an incapacity to deal with all the swirling emotions. I wish the best to both of you.
 
Believe him. And be thankful he told you the truth.

There's a lot to "unpack" after military service. It will be difficult to transition and I can see a new relationship to be too stressful.

Don't expect what he can't give you. You'll set yourself for heartbreak.

🫂
 
Give him the time he needs. Is he being treated? He told you he isn’t capable of a relationship at this time. He may never be. Believe him. Every relationship has a special connection, so we like to think. But maybe it is untenable. At least he told you instead of stringing you along. Go on with your own life. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t or did not care, merely that he cannot cope with the stressors of the relationship, as positive as you think they may be. He may reach out again. And he may not. You don’t say how long you have been together, but it sounds like things progressed quickly, which isn’t necessarily healthy in a PTSD or non PTSD relationship. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
He is in therapy and he said he is working on his flaws.
I only want the best for him. He’s a wonderful man. I’m 100% certain that his last relationship didn’t help matters either. The last thing I want to do is to cause him more stress.
I am concentrating on myself right now as well.
I appreciate your response.

I am guilty of the disappearing act too. For me I get emotional overload which I now understand is emotional deregulation. If I speak in that state it all comes out wrong and I make the situation so much worse. I stuff my feeling until it gets to be too much so I run. My wife and I never go beyond a heated discussion, thank God, but I know I have caused her years of pain. I my case this only arises with people I love dearly. He may be feeling as I do, with love in his heart but an incapacity to deal with all the swirling emotions. I wish the best to both of you.
Thank you for this! I truly believe from his actions that this is what is going on. I hate that you know this from experience but it does help me more than you know.
 
Just remember that wonderful does not always equate compatible in any relationship. I am glad you are looking after yourself. As an old bird I subscribe to what Friday said above about it being a break up.
 
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