I was raped by a friend when I was 16. I didnt tell anyone until recently. I have lived my life in fear depression and anxiety. 5 months ago I fell apart again, went for help cuz I wanted to kill myself again. This time I got a therapist and dr. Was told I have ptsd which explains how ive felt all my life. I have alot if anger deep inside I never let out. My therapist wants me to just let all the anger out now or he says I will never get better. I am afraid of those feelings and have no idea how to deal with them. I would appreciate any suggestions.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Sexual Assault Raped 40 Yrs Ago Just Diagnosed Ptsd
- Post starter sami cat
- Start date
- Status
barefoot
Diamond Member
Glad that you have a diagnosis and a therapist so that you can start to process difficult past experiences, move forwards and heal.
Connecting to and expressing emotions that you've been keeping in will be an important part of your journey, but I'd be cautious about rushing to 'let all the anger out now'. You've held this for a very long time and I think your fear around those feelings is very understandable. Forcing it all out before you are ready could be damaging - you could get majorly overwhelmed and even re-traumatised. Take it gently and slowly and let things shift and emerge in your/their own time.
Your therapist should work with you to help you manage the feelings when they come - it's his job to create a space for you to explore them safely. If you feel that he is pushing too hard/fast, it would be worth you discussing this with him. If he continued to push, I'd even consider looking for a new therapist - but I don't know what your relationship with him is like.
Connecting to and expressing emotions that you've been keeping in will be an important part of your journey, but I'd be cautious about rushing to 'let all the anger out now'. You've held this for a very long time and I think your fear around those feelings is very understandable. Forcing it all out before you are ready could be damaging - you could get majorly overwhelmed and even re-traumatised. Take it gently and slowly and let things shift and emerge in your/their own time.
Your therapist should work with you to help you manage the feelings when they come - it's his job to create a space for you to explore them safely. If you feel that he is pushing too hard/fast, it would be worth you discussing this with him. If he continued to push, I'd even consider looking for a new therapist - but I don't know what your relationship with him is like.
Like you, my sexual abuse ended decades ago, but it's only now that I'm in therapy. For me it's a very slow process as if I go to fast, or push too much its not good for me.
Learning how to safely express anger (safely for both you and others) will take time. This is not something to rush.
If you are wanting to express anger (rather than feeling that you "should" express it).....Maybe drawing or artwork for expressing some of your feelings as an idea?
Learning how to safely express anger (safely for both you and others) will take time. This is not something to rush.
If you are wanting to express anger (rather than feeling that you "should" express it).....Maybe drawing or artwork for expressing some of your feelings as an idea?
- Post starter
- #4
Thanks for the reply. I have been seeing him for 5 months and now he is leaving so next week is my last appt with him. I already have a new therapist to start seeing after. I really liked him I thought he was helpful but yesterday he said I sounded wishy washy when I described the rape. Then he asked me if part of me felt pleasure during it! I couldnt believe he asked me that. He said someone needs to light a fire under my ass so I will deal with my anger. Then he said I should smash fruit or something to help. I feel the anger bubbling up inside of me again but I cant just make it come out. I feel like he is trying to wrap this up quick.im so confused.
- Post starter
- #5
I dont really want to express the anger im just afraid its gonna all come out at once and I dont know how to handle it. I am really afraid of the feeling. The therapist told me to let it (how?) That i will feel much better. He said that nothing bad will happen and soon my trauma wont hurt me anymore. I just feel like ive been suffering all these years how can I possibly just feel like its no big deal in just a few months?
I suffered extreme long term violence about that long ago as you describe. I had the diagnosis maybe 8 years ago. Up until now, I sort of self medicated myself by living on adrenalin. I could get incredible amounts of work done. I was busy raising kids and doing the career stuff. Now the parenting has slowed and now older I can't keep up the adrenalin pace. Lots of things I never expected have come out emotionally. My therapist says it's normal for this to happen at this age. The past six months has been an entirely new journey on feeling bad. I was masking it before by being busy. That wasn't real healing and coping. Now I'm on the road to getting actually better but there are lots of hills, valleys, and turns. Sometimes I get angry about the "lost" years. You mention the therapist is male. Males by nature seem to like to fix things and check off the list. It took years to get where you are. It will likely take some time to heal. Could wishy washy mean ambivalent adn he's trying to get you off of that? For me it would be hard to begin to correct things if I am ambivalent, but I also hate anger feelings.
barefoot
Diamond Member
It sounds to me like he is trying to wrap things up quickly and neatly too – and that's not in service to you as his client.
The feelings will come out, I'm sure, but they need to come out when you're ready and in a safe and manageable way - not because someone's wilfully provoking you to get angry on demand.
We all deal with things in different ways and respond to treatment differently, but most people seem to agree that trauma work takes time and patience. Five months of therapy when you've been holding this event and all the thoughts and feelings attached to it by yourself for forty years is no time at all, in my opinion.
To be honest, I think it's pretty disgraceful that he's pushing you this hard this early on and, in doing so, is causing you more distress. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I hope you establish a positive relationship with your new therapist and that she is able to work with you to process the trauma and express the difficult emotions involved in a safe way.
The feelings will come out, I'm sure, but they need to come out when you're ready and in a safe and manageable way - not because someone's wilfully provoking you to get angry on demand.
We all deal with things in different ways and respond to treatment differently, but most people seem to agree that trauma work takes time and patience. Five months of therapy when you've been holding this event and all the thoughts and feelings attached to it by yourself for forty years is no time at all, in my opinion.
To be honest, I think it's pretty disgraceful that he's pushing you this hard this early on and, in doing so, is causing you more distress. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I hope you establish a positive relationship with your new therapist and that she is able to work with you to process the trauma and express the difficult emotions involved in a safe way.
- Post starter
- #8
Thank you all for the input. I feel so alone. When I asked him why he thought I was wishy washy he said because when I read the paper to him that I wrote describing exactly what happened that I didnt really show emotion. Well thats because I have avoided talking about it al my life so when I read the paper I felt I was reading about someone else. Of course I dont want to feel it. Its frustrating because a part of it I cant remember I try but I get really frighte ed. He said I remember but my brain is just protecting me. I suppose. Anyways the anger I have is not just about the rape I have had other traumas also.its all mixed together. All my life I tried different ways to avoid these feelings. Some were stupid others dangerous but I didnt care. Im afraid im never gonna feel happy. Time is running out.
barefoot
Diamond Member
These are signs of trauma....not evidence of being wishy washy!
Honestly, this makes me so cross! I really think it's a good thing for you that he's leaving and that you can build a relationship with another therapist and start to do this work in your own time in a safe, supportive environment. I don't like the sound of his approach - it just doesn't sound right to me for trauma work. Is he a trauma specialist?
I'm really glad you are going to see a new T, I think your current one is not experienced enough in trauma work.
For a sense of timelines...I have been with my current T over a year and I haven't yet been able to express feelings about my trauma. But, that's okay....she is still helping me and we are making progress.
My first T pushed me (to remember things, to feel things) and I ended up in a very dark place (suicidial etc). I say this as a cautionary tale. As others have said, the feelings will come on their own when you are ready, and therapy helps you prepare for them and be open to them. There is no rush.
A few times I have had some feelings bubble up and I was afraid of those feelings and didn't know what to do with them but I posted here and the others helped me through it. One of these was a memory recall, it's still difficult to acknowledge that memory, I just wish it wasn't true (which is why my brain hid it from me)....sorry, I'm derailing the thread....
If this happens to you, please consider reaching out to us for help.
For a sense of timelines...I have been with my current T over a year and I haven't yet been able to express feelings about my trauma. But, that's okay....she is still helping me and we are making progress.
My first T pushed me (to remember things, to feel things) and I ended up in a very dark place (suicidial etc). I say this as a cautionary tale. As others have said, the feelings will come on their own when you are ready, and therapy helps you prepare for them and be open to them. There is no rush.
A few times I have had some feelings bubble up and I was afraid of those feelings and didn't know what to do with them but I posted here and the others helped me through it. One of these was a memory recall, it's still difficult to acknowledge that memory, I just wish it wasn't true (which is why my brain hid it from me)....sorry, I'm derailing the thread....
If this happens to you, please consider reaching out to us for help.
- Post starter
- #11
Supposedly he is. He was ok at first. I was really upset about him leaving but now I think maybe its a good thing.
- Post starter
- #12
Oh I definitely will. You will probably get tired of seeing me here. He keeps telling me im making progress ( which I dont really see) and that im very smart and articulate when I answer his questions. If he really believes that then maybe he thinks im smart enough to just get past this quickly? Sounds stupid me. He started really pushing me about a month ago. Made me feel so bad I started cutting myself. I never did that before. I told him and my psychiatrist they both asked me why and then upped my meds. Im struggling right now trying to keep from grabbing a knife. Ugh I hate myself and this ptsd
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
