Sexual Assault Raped 40 Yrs Ago Just Diagnosed Ptsd

[ghotiff]

Made me feel so bad I started cutting myself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so horrible to sink backwards like this. There are many members that struggle with cutting and if you want to reach out to them I'm sure they could help you with this.

One thing that helped me get past my first T was to lietrally create a box and put everything related to the work we had done inside that box and close the lid, ocassionally I would look at it and remind myself that it was shut.

While I wish that neither of had to take this journey, I look forward to taking it with you.

 

[barefoot]

@sami cat - to be fair on your therapist, my therapist has talked a lot lately about how much progress I've made over the last few months and I didn't really see it until a few weeks ago when I realised that I'd stopped dissociating. Not that I liked that development - still don't - but I can now see how much more present I am in sessions, which I can appreciate is big progress, even though it feels scary and uncomfortable to not have it any more. So I think it's very possible that he's right and you are making progress but you just can't see it for yourself yet.

The other stuff though...I really think he started pushing a month ago because he knew he was leaving soon and wanted to see how much further he could take you before he stopped working with you. And the fact that that time/that change in pace and focus in the therapy coincided with a worsening of your symptoms...I'd have thought it should have been clear to both him and your psychiatrist that the treatment you'd been having was too much, too soon and was having a negative impact. I don't see a psychiatrist and don't take any meds so perhaps I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but their response of just upping your meds while keeping the accelerator pedal flat to the floor in therapy sessions seems unhelpful to me.

Has your change in meds alleviated any symptoms? Particularly around cutting?

My therapist often tells me how smart and articulate I am, but I never get the impression that she thinks that means l'll make progress more quickly than someone else. In fact, I think my brain often gets in the way....I intellectualise things to avoid connecting with my feelings, I overthink thinks, I talk a good talk to try to back up my case when I'm really just presenting a heap of cognitive distortions, I talk about, talk about, talk about (very articulately) simply to avoid actually sitting with how I feel and experiencing those emotions in the moment... rather than speed things up, I think all these things potentially slow things down. I don't consciously mean to do them. And I used to get really frustrated with myself after sessions when I realised that's what I'd spent a lot of time doing. Now I try to accept that if that's what I end up doing, it's for a reason. And that reason is likely to be because I'm not ready to go there with the emotional stuff just yet. And my therapist sees that - saw it way before I did - and never tries to push. She always says we must be patient and wait and that 'smashing a nut with a sledgehammer' or forcing the trauma open with a crowbar is irresponsible and counter-productive and tends to do more harm than good.

When do you have your first session with the new therapist?

 

[sami cat]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so horrible to sink backwards like this. There are many members...

I feel like its gonna be a really long journey. Theres so many things I need to work thru and I dont want to. Id rather not feel the feelings that will come up. But I know it comes with it. I dont feel so bad about what he said today. I think im trying to make up excuses in my head for the way he talked to me. Thank you for the reply it helps alot!

 

[sami cat]

@sami cat - to be fair on your therapist, my therapist has talked a lot lately about...

@sami cat - to be fair on your therapist, my therapist has talked a lot lately about...

Well I see him for the last time on wed so probably the next week I will see her. I think you are right that he was pushing me to see how far he could get. I think he will be dissapointed when I see him because I didnt express my anger. I dont think he really realizes how frightened I am of that.
They upped my depression meds to the highest level they could. I never cut myself until now i always found different ways to try to ease the pain. I dont know if its gonna help I hope it does. They also upped my nightmare meds cuz like most of us I dont sleep well.
I just feel like im gonna have to start all over again but he said not really because she will have all his notes. But meeting a new person and sharing this stuff is making me anxious. I appreciate you listening and helping!

 

[barefoot]

Well...it doesn't matter whether he feels disappointed or not...you need to do this at your own pace.

I've been in therapy for a year and I really love my therapist. But I haven't processed the feelings around my trauma....because I don't feel any! Well...I didn't... I think now, some feelings are starting to emerge but I find it very difficult to connect to emotions in the therapy room. So I can talk about things factually/intellectually but in a way that's emotionally disconnected.

Like you, I think I'm afraid of when the feelings will come. But I know they have to come. My therapist has said all along that they will come when I'm ready and that my psyche will never allow more than I can manage. And she reassures me that she will be there to help me with everything that comes.

As I said, the last few weeks (since I stopped dissociating) I have felt more, including during therapy. So we've been exploring those feelings a bit, but not in direct relation to trauma, because I'm currently experiencing those feelings in relation to here and now stuff. She has joined some dots and linked the current experiences/feelings back to what happened over twenty years ago, so it's sort of there in the space waiting to be 'mined' but, for now, I haven't engaged with the trauma side of those feelings. But it does seem that the here and now things are triggering the trauma.

So it's there, waiting... As is yours... And it feels scary. But, at some point, I know I need to surrender to it and that my therapist will be compassionate and supportive and will do everything she can to make it feel safe for me to do that work. I'm sure yours will too, but it will no doubt take you some time to reach that point with her.

Good luck with the meds - really hope they help!

 

[sami cat]

Well...it doesn't matter whether he feels disappointed or not...you need to do this at your own pace....

Your therapist sounds really good I hope my new one will be like that. Im sorry you have to go thru this also. It is hell. I have many things I need to learn to deal with besides the rape but he told me when I learn how to deal with this everything else will be easy. I dont know.
On top of all that, the last 4 weeks have been so awful. My daughters best friend who was like a daughter to me killed herself. It was a shock to everybody. Then a week later my sons best friend of 15 years tried to kill my son! Thankfully my son fought back. But he ended up killing his friend. He was in jail for several days then the DA dropped the charges against my son because it was self defense. I am so worriec about my sons emotional health after going thru that. My therapist knew all that but pushed me anyways. Now 2 days ago one of my best friends told me he has bladder cancer. I cant handle all this stuff on top of everything else. Last nite I started thinking again how nice it would be to feel no pain anymore to just die and get it over with. I guess im not doing so good after all.

 

[barefoot]

@sami cat - I'm so sorry you are dealing with so many difficult things at the moment. I can understand how it may feel like it's all too much.

I know that if similar things were going on for me, my therapist and I would be focusing on that here and now stuff - what I was going through right now, the impact, my feelings, what I needed to help me deal with what's happening now. She wouldn't be taking me back to do deep level work on past unprocessed trauma. I don't see how your therapist's approach would be helpful or what you need in the middle of everything else you've got going on. So it's really confirmed for me that I think it's the best thing that you are changing therapists.

Think about what you really need to talk about with therapist right now...if it's the here and now stuff to help you to deal with the things that have just happened and to talk through how you feel about them and to help you to cope with everything that's going on - and to cope with it in a safe way ie not thinking about harming yourself in some way - be very clear with her that that's what you want to work on.

I can't see how you can do the level of work required to do the past trauma stuff when your head is currently so full of other stuff.

I really feel for you....you are dealing with far, far more than you deserve.

 

[sami cat]

@sami cat - I'm so sorry you are dealing with so many difficult things at the momen...

Thank you! I am so so stressed out right now just trying to go minute by minute. I appreciate all the responses ive gotten. Its good to feel like someone understands what I am going thru.

 

[Flower Power]

I was 14 when I was raped and I am 56 now. I too have lived most of my life not understanding that I was dealing with PTSD. And made my life a total mess.

I lived my life either dissasociated, numb or angry and reactive. The anger was the safest and only emotion that I would really let myself have. It kept me alive and it allowed me to have something to push the pain down and back into the numbness. It was the safety valve on the pressure cooker as layers of trauma built one upon the other.

Finally the pot was full and God gave me the time, the support and the therapist to work through it. I was terrified of my own anger because I felt if I even dared to think about taking my finger out of that dike I would get steam rolled over by what was behind it.

I can tell you this, it has been the most interesting and powerful journey learning to own my own emotions and give them permission to be and myself permission to experience them without guilt. If I am pissed, then I own that I am pissed. If I am enraged, then so be it. If I need to cry because I am so saddened with grief over what was or what didn't happen than I let the tears flow.

Many times I would process the anger behind a trauma and look over to make sure my therapist hadn't left the room, or hadn't changed his view or opinion of me. It takes time to build that trust. Your emotions won't kill you which is what we are afraid of. Not allowing your emotions will kill you. It is the constriction caused by maintaining the numbness, the disownership by dissasociation, the refusing to feel the fear of possible rejection that makes us hold our breath until we can't hold it any more.

Fear is the absence of breath. I encourage you to breath and to write. If you can't say it. I write it until I can actually touch what the feeling is. We know how to turn everything off, we have to learn to turn ourselves and feeling back on. You are in control of the dimmer switch. You can go as slow as you need too. But it is so worth the ownership to wake back up after living a life so locked down from trauma.

 

[sami cat]

I was 14 when I was raped and I am 56 now. I too have lived most of my life not understanding that...

Thank you so much for this! It helps me see there might be hope for me getting thru. I really cant see myself actually letting these emotions out after denying them for so long. I wish I could just move on without ever feeling it. But I know that cant happen.yes I am terrified of all those feelings I have. I wonder who im going to be after I deal with things. I really dont know who I am I have let this trauma and others control me so long. I dont know if I can do this.

 

[ghotiff]

I wonder who im going to be after I deal with things. I really dont know who I am I have let this trauma and others control me so long. I dont know if I can do this.

I think many of us has feared this at some point but what I have learnt is that any changes are slow so that we have lots of time to adapt, and the changes are not so much changes but softening of feelings. For example, I have been working on being less fearful of my children being away from me....I am less fearful, but nowhere near not caring. So I haven't changed, my fear is still there but it's softened and far more manageable.

 

[sami cat]

I think many of us has feared this at some point but what I have learnt is that any changes are slow so...

Im glad things are getting better for you! Tomorrow is my last day with my therapist. Even though I didnt like the way he acted last week I am still gonna miss seeing him. Is that weird? I didnt do anything that he told me to do. I always did before. But im just really focused on the shit thats just happened. I guess that makes it easier for my brain to keep pushing the rape away. I hope everyone is doing ok! Thanks for listening to me ramble on!