Growing Up

[Erich]

There are many stories about my childhood that I simply don’t remember. I have these flashes of memories, these glimmers that are not whole. These are the only memories I have. These glimmers span a period of time from age 6 to 14. I am not sure what caused this memory loss. I am not sure if it could be related to my Rolandic Epilepsy I had as a child, if it could be related to the head trauma’s I suffered as a child or if simply I blocked all those memories. I just do not know.
The worst part of this is that when I cannot remember something I get this sinking feeling, this overwhelming anxiety that I don’t know or don’t understand. It is like everyone around me is an adult and I am just a little kid, tugging at their pant legs. I feel as though the only way I can be allowed to stay is to act out. Either I prove I am as smart if not smarter than them or show them my prowess by assaulting them with verbal, emotional or physical abuse.
The memories I have from my childhood center a lot around fighting with other kids, being yelled at or talked down to by my parents or other punishments I received. Is this the cause of my troubles, not my memory loss? Has anyone every experienced this?

 

[Intrepid]

When I first started dealing with my trauma history it was right after I quit drinking, and my memory of anything in my past was really limited. Over time my memory has improved, both to recovery from alcoholism an recovery from developmental PTSD. I wouldn't be surprised if your Rolandic Epilepsy did cause some memory loss, but from your short description, I would say dissociation did too. I experienced exactly what you are talking about feeling like a kid. I don't experience it all the time like I used to, but it's taken a lot of work to consistently feel like an adult.

Is this the cause of my troubles, not my memory loss?

There could be a lot of causes. Life, and PTSD are quite complicated.

Welcome to the forum. Here you will find a lot of people who will relate to your story.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

A big part of me not remembering my trauma, but that I know I have been traumatized is things will trigger me that I have no memory of and I relate that on a big part of dissociation and head trauma. I have had 4 or 5 big traumatic head injuries that have caused me to lose my memories. The memories do not become lost though, only hidden and disguised as nightmares or glimmers of what happened which can come on as a trigger and cause a panic attack. I dissociate a lot these days so I try to stay in the present as much as possible and not discover what went down my shadowy past. It does me no good.