Relationship Help!

[Beingisbewildering]

My partner has bad ptsd from 2 tours of afghan. To cut a long story short, before it was diagnosed he proposed to me. Then a few months later I found that he was having ' snapchat sex' with an 18 year old. Basically sending each other pictures doing live chat, talking dirty to each other for about 3 weeks. I also found he was a member on quite a few singles sites.

He said it was down to mental health problems and I asked him to seek help and he did so as soon as I asked. He deleted all of the accounts as asked and blocked the girl. He was so apologetic and said it was completely out of character, he was devastated. His family couldn't believe it either, they said that it was so unexpected from him and that if they could trust in anyone's loyalty, it would be him. He cooperated fully, let me read everything I needed to, answered all of my questions and finally we managed to move on. I said that I could forgive him and support him through his treatment but laid down some ground rules. I said ' as much as I want to help you, I have limits and if you cross these, I'm done.'
One of he things that I asked was that he does not go on any singles websites and we spoke about the difference between porn and singles sites. ( porn I don't have a problem with, he's not going to meet a pornstar.)
I also asked that he make an effort to work at our relationship every day that he can and that he makes an effort with his treatment.

We had an arguement the other day because he basically wasn't making any effort with either of these. I asked that we have a date night on Monday since he had been so closed off recently and that evening ( after I had got up at 5am on my day off to go to an appointment with him) he told me that he had already told the guys that he would go and play football.

I was so tired and upset I went to bed. While I was in bed he decided to go on adultwork which is one of the sites I told him to stay away from.

He said it was only to look at a few pictures and was only for a few minutes and didn't think it was a big deal. But I said that this was one of my deal breakers and that there was no point putting those in place if he wasn't going to respect them. I told him that it took a lot for me to move on from what happened and that his actions really hurt me. And I did make it clear that if he did that, I wouldn't be around. He said that he knew that at the time but did it anyway. So clearly he doesn't value our relationship.

His mum thinks he is testing me, that he needs reassurance that I love him and that he is trying to push to see what he can get away with.

I'm just not sure how much I should have to deal with? I want to support and help him but I need to be respected and feel loved as well. I don't know if this is the last time, I don't trust him. And I myself feel really low. I don't feel confident, I hate feeling like I don't trust him, I don't feel respected. I feel hurt. And I'm tired. He keeps saying that I don't love him anymore. But I do so much to support him and he doesn't see it. I know a lot of it is the nature of his illness but it's hard and harder if he's not going to help me when he can.

The night all of this happened, he left the house late at night with all of his medicine and I was out for hours in the rain looking for him. He's not stable at all and if I don't stay with him and support him, I don't know what he will do.

We are also engaged and sent out our wedding invites the other day. I don't feel good about our wedding. I told him I don't want to arrange it anymore. I wanted to marry him but all of the joy and excitement that I had to start with has gone in all of this. Arranging it feels like a chore.

I have a 5 year old as well. My partner has been particularly hard on him since he was diagnosed as well, he's very good and loving with him but occasionally he tells him off too much, goes too far and makes him cry. I don't know if it makes him feel powerful or what.

It's also hard to not be able to tell anyone that you are struggling. If I told him I found supporting him hard, of course it would only make him feel worse. I just feel really alone and tired.

Please help. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be one of those partners that lays down loads of rules and is constantly on his back.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

As I have said before, mental health issues are no excuse for outright bad behavior. PTSD or not, you can't trust someone who does that sort of thing behind your back. Dump him. Having a relationship with someone who has a MI is difficult enough without having to put up with that bs, be they male or female. He simply isn't faithful. Dodge the bullet and get out. There are many guys out there with post traumatic that can do much better.

 

[Theresa1122]

I completely agree with Whispering_Truth on this one. PTSD is very difficult to deal with and maybe his confidence in himself has been broken, but that's no excuse for his actions. He needs to turn to you and his doctors for help, not the computer and strangers. It doesn't matter if the invitations are already sent - don't go through with the wedding! It's way easier to cancel a wedding than to live in misery and have to go through a divorce. He needs help, his family sounds like their in denial so you can't lean on them, and you don't have the medical expertise needed to get him through this. If he can't be faithful, pack his bags for him and change the locks on the door.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

As on other posts concerning this type of subject, I may seem harsh and outspoken. But, the truth is, even women have pulled that bs line on me over & over, saying "I can't help it", "I'm borderline personality", "I'll feel suicidal. I will take this handful of pills if you leave me" and other excuses. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. They know right from wrong. If it indeed is the illness making them do those things, they need to seek serious help for it. And, even so, trust me..you want no part of it. You will just end up overstressed and heartbroken, and may develop a mental disorder yourself in the process. There are many good men and women with ptsd and other disorders, who would be happy to be faithful and honest to a significant other, including myself. The right person will come along someday. I know this advice isn't what people in this type of situation really want to hear, but it will save you a TON of grief.

 

[Beingisbewildering]

I do understand what you're all saying. To me cheating is an absolute no. It took a lot for me to make the decision to move on from the first time. My sons father didn't have ptsd but he cheated a lot and threatened to kill himself if I left him and made excuses, it was quite similar to this and in the end it didn't stop and I left him. I feel like history is just repeating itself and there's no way Im going through that again.

On the other hand I know his ptsd and depression are quite severe and he is seeking treatment. He's tried to kill himself once since, he was in the middle of a panic attack and I found him. He told me he genuinely couldn't remember it. He also told his mum that when he spoke to her. He said that when he was messaging this other girl he wasn't himself, he barely remembers doing it and that he thought that it might make him feel good but it didn't. It made him feel ashamed. Kind of like a binge purge cycle. I could relate to that having suffered with a severe eating disorder in my teens.

I do wonder if he is looking for some self esteem. I do try to look at this from his point of view and to understand. But I'm not his punching bag and I don't deserve it. I'm so torn. I don't know whether to cancel the wedding and engagement but try and work on our relationship and to support him further to see if he can make more of an effort.

 

[Beingisbewildering]

And this time he was just looking at some pictures. As much as I told him to stay away from that site and made it clear that it was a deal breaker, he wasn't technically doing anything wrong D:

 

[The Albatross]

The heck with the wedding invitations... if you don't feel good about it, don't do it. Postpone until the issue is arrested. Boundary is broken... he thought it wasn't a "big deal"... this is your pivotal moment. You gonna be a door mat, or you gonna pony up and follow through with "we're done"?

It's a consequence of his behavior... you got two choices, accept or act.

I think too I'd take a hard look at your post above. You're rationalizing the boundary and avoiding the consequence of his behavior.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I agree with albatross. I do hope he gets help, and that you can repair your relationship, if you wish it to continue. But, as I currently and honestly see it, there are just too many red flags.

 

[darwin]

I hope you don't think, or he isn't using, PTSD as an excuse for this behavior. I've had it bad and I've never been anything but loyal to my now ex girlfriend who wasn't loyal to me. I'm not one to hand out straight up advice often, but I agree with the other comments here. It's way easier to call off a wedding than to go through years of struggle only to eventually divorce anyway. This is a character issue, not a PTSD one. Loyalty before anything is my current mantra.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I hope you don't think, or he isn't using, PTSD as an excuse for this behavior. I've had it bad and I've...

Well said, Darwin.

 

[darwin]

Also through recent experience, I think a person with low self esteem is dangerous in a relationship. I don't want to have to worry that I'm going to get stabbed in the back just because someone shows a little attention to my partner.

 

[darwin]

Thank you @Whispering_Truth