When Will I Learn!! Help Me!!

[Robbed]

Rivergirl
I too am a care giver who feels very uncomfortable with the fact that someone will care for me. For me to even say that is a big step. I too like many others on this site have not had a nuturing childhood. ( victum of a pedifile ring rung by my father) It is amazing how the lack of emotional support from a childhood forms the mindset for your adult life. I was currently working on this before I was hurt.
I have been doing alot of thinking about why I can't speak and I am frightened that if I speak my whole past will come flooding out along with the most current event. I still can't say the word. If I allow it all to come out then I may not be able to keep myself safe. Once before I dissociated for days and I don't think I am physically well enough yet to manage this. I know that I am taking the easy way out but I am so scared.
Why do I feel like I need my mother to hold me when she never held me as a child. When I type this I feel the fear of being locked in the cupboard as a reminder that I should never tell anyone.
I seem to be having flood of emotions from so many different episodes. Later this morning my T is going to take me outside. He does not want me to redevelop my fear about being outside. They have told me that both my nurse and T will be with me. I can't do this.
I wish I could disappear.
Robbed

 

[Rivergirl]

I hear you, Robbed. I still want my mother to hold me, and she never held me either. In fact she was mean and vindictive and called me names, and was never loving. I had almost no love in my childhood, except briefly in visits from one grandmother who I rarely saw.

But a little child part of me just wants to be held and comforted and loved and protected by a mommy. I know it sounds sappy, but it's there all the same and I think that little girl will always be there, always needing what she never got.

This may sound really stupid, but I'll put it out there anyway: do you have a stuffed animal or teddybear that you can keep with you at this time? I have a stuffed toy grey rabbit (named Horace), and a big brown teddybear (named Aloysius) that sometimes I hug when I am crying or feeling very hollow. Maybe it's silly, but it helps me feel comforted, and if it makes me feel comforted then what the hell.

Rivergirl

 

[Robbed]

small steps of success !

rivergirl unfortunately I have a bad connection to stuffed toys and dolls. My mother use to make me take a doll when she sent me with dads friends.
Last night the nusing staff said I cried most of the night in my sleep.

Today I will speak there are things I need to tell my T. Today I have to be strong I cannot be stuck in the frantic state any longer.

I did go outside, it was hard but i feel like it was a victory ( even though it is a small step).

Must go my T is here, wish me luck today I will speak.
Robbed
:hello::hello:

 

[Robbed]

At last I did it !! I spoke

Today I finally spoke. I feel exhausted. My T was with me for 2 x 2 hour sessions. I think he didn't want me to revert to what I was before. I spoke, cried, dissociated and became full of self blame. At the end of the last session I could say:
I didn't do anything wrong
I did not deserve this
I will be able to recover from this
I am strong enough to ask and accept help
I don't have to be over this overnight
I can have control over my life

HOWS THAT FOR GOOD PROGRESS. I am so happy I have not stayed stuck in this black space for long.

I now have to work out what and how I tell my children. They don't know and I am determined that it is not necessary to move back home,
Any suggestions how I can explain this to my 21 and 22 year old boys. They love me and I don't want to hurt them
I am so grateful for all the support. I know this has made such a different to my recovery.
Robbed:kiss:

 

[anthony]

Well done robbed... really well done. Congratulations on helping yourself, only you could have done what you did. Great work.... keep it up please.

 

[Rivergirl]

Robbed you are an inspiration. Not only to have come as far as you have in a short time, but to write about it too and express the struggle.

A big HURRAY to you for pushing to find the strength to speak again. And what powerful words you have spoken. :clap:

I wonder if you can handle telling your kids by asking them to a session with your therapist. Might be easier that way?

Rivergirl

 

[void]

Robbed,

I am so proud of you!!:clap::clap: There are people who take years to get where you are right now. If you have some low days ahead remember this accomplishment and it can be an anchor of hope that recovery is possible.
I am humbled to see your strength.:smile:
:Hug_emoticon:Hugs to you my friend. You deserve peace.:Hug_emoticon:
Void

 

[lrs]

I have been watching your story, and I am moved by all you have done. I do wish you all the best.

 

[Robbed]

There is hope

Hi everyone,
I have just slept for 3 hours straight first time since this happened. I feel so blessed that I have found this site and have received so many words or advice and encouragement.
My T asked me yesterday what was different for me this time compared to the other traumas I have had and I instantly said this forum. To have a forum where everyone accepts you whether you are having a good or bad day is so comforting. Also that fact you can say how you feel on line and not face to face gives you that sense of power.I also said to him that this time I asked for help and didn't ;ock it away.
For anyone online who has had multiple traumas, I can only give to this advice. By asking for help has made this so much easier to deal with. yes I still feel dirty etc but I also feel powerful because I have taken control back. I will not let this consume my life.
I am under no misconception that this is over but I will sort through this one step at a time.
For the questions about my health - my head injury is stable. I apparently ave lost some sight in my eye but they don't know how permanent it is. Its lucky I can touch type :rofl:My injury to my hip is still a concern, because of the swelling and bruising I have just had drained. It has been causing some pressure and a compressed pule in that leg. Since it has been drained it has returned to more a normal colour.

The police are coming back to see me today, I do feel very nervous but I am supported and will be OK.

I should be in hospital for at least another week and then out on day leave. I have with my T told my workplace and although my private life is now disclosed I will need the support of my Friends when I return to work.

I have contacted my children and spoken to them on the phone, I have decided not to talk to them about this until some of my physical injuries are less obvious. they know that I am in hospital and they are assuming that I am having more therapy. Telling my children will be one of the hardest things for me. I hate to see them hurt. Boys are so protective of their mother that I do not want this to become an issue for them.
Anyway that is enough rambling. I am going to my first group session today. wish me luck no doubt there will be question about what has happened to me.
Thanks again
Robbed:hello:

 

[2quilt]

You have tons of support and love from many people here, although we are scattered all over the earth, we all are thinking of you, and we are all hoping that your physical injuries heal quickly. You are the bravest among us for seeking help. We hope the police find and prosecute the guy.

 

[lrs]

I am trying to think of what to say, without going on about my own traumatic experiences. I've been where you are, and I know what it's like and what you are going through.
I am proud of you and of how you are facing this. Most, if not all of us, have been in your shoes, and we are all wishing you well.

 

[Robbed]

Its been a tough day today

I have had a very wobbly day today. It started with being confronted with the police. this interview alone pressed all my buttons, but I did get through it.
I wasn't able to make it to groups today but I am trying to not think that this is a failure and am trying to allow myself to take care and let myself do this slowly.

The neurosurgeon came today as well and he is not happy with the cranial bleed and my decreased eye sight so h is sending me off tomorrow for more tests - another MRI. I hate being put into this machine.

The precautionary drugs for STD HIV etc are still making me feel sick. I have asked the police to get a blood sample from him. Hopefully this will alleviate some anxiety when I know the results.

My T did not see me today as I have been with other services most of the day.

Tonight I have tried to re read my story to remind myself of how far I have come. It is lucky that I can do this as I am finding this hole thing is consuming me today.

Please keep in contact with me, I am sorry I am not as positive tonight but life is not always a bed of roses. I will be OK, tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for listening and reading this post.
Robbed