Freezing In Therapy

[watundah]

I know this is fairly common so I hope someone can lend me some help.

I've been going to my therapist for three years. I like her, I trust her and she knows all of my traumas. She is a trauma expert, etc. etc.

I was extremely quiet and withdrawn as a child and that defense mechanism hung with me for decades as it morphed into social anxiety. Ive come leaps and bounds with that and now mostly experience it once in a while around people I don't know. The invisibility cloak rises or a wall comes up so I can keep folks at a distance.

This is a big roadblock for me and rears its head big time in therapy. I think fear - of abandonment, trust, vulnerability -all stand between me and her. I want so badly to break down that wall but every time I go in the anxiety swells.

She says it is my inner child shutting down. This makes perfect sense. 90% of the time I walk around as the confident and accomplished adult but as soon as Im in her office I turn into the damaged one. On one hand this is good as that is the one that hides within and needs help. But it frustrates the living shit out of me that I can't bust down that wall.

Please don't suggest another therapist. This woman is an expert and I am not interested in starting all over. I suspect I would have these issues with anyone who tries to penetrate my protective shell.

Thanks for your help.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I have reached brainlock also, particularly during EMDR treatment. It is frustrating, but it passes.

 

[watundah]

Three years, not passing.
I can blah blah on and on about events I went to, people I know, but not the grit.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Three years, not passing.
I can blah blah on and on about events I went to, people I know, but not the...

You may need a specialized or experimental therapy, to break through that emotional barrier.

 

[Rumors]

Me too @watundah. Wish I had advice. I get locked up and can't get past it. I, too, think it is somewhat about trust and abandonment but as well, I have a recording in my head that says I am being ridiculous and should be over things. Then there is the fear if I felt something other than numb it might be ugly... Plus it leaves me feeling very vulnerable...

 

[watundah]

Thank you.

It truly seems unsurpassable. I wish she could pole vault over this wall of fear. It has such a grip on our relationship and limits my progress.

 

[barefoot]

This is more of a 'me too' reply as opposed to having anything more helpful to offer!

My therapist says I'm very self-protective and that we just need to keep chipping away and doing the work and slowly, slowly, each defence mechanism will start to dissolve. I used to dissociate a lot in session and now dissociation seems to have disappeared. So I thought that would mean that therapy would become easier as I could then sit and talk about stuff without shutting down. Ha! Didn't quite happen. Although I am now present in sessions, other defence mechanisms have cropped up. And I wasn't expecting that...layers and layers of different defence mechanisms that keep her/the work at arm's length. Guess it makes sense really. But it was quite disappointing to realise that stopping dissociating didn't mean the barriers would just all come down.

I really, really like my therapist and look forward to going to sessions every week. She's really important to me and I feel so glad that I have her in my life. So this just continues to perplex and frustrate me.

I think, for me, it's at least partly about intimacy...and feeling needy... (Ugh!) and it often happens that if we have a really good session where it feels like I've really opened up and something's shifted a bit and our relationship feels stronger as a result...it nearly always then follows that the next couple of sessions or so I'll be more closed and less willing to 'get into relationship' with her. Like the closeness scares me off and I have to come back and start building the wall back up again. I really don't get why I do it because, apart from anything else, it seems so counter-productive.

I often feel like I walk in to her room and unconsciously become a completely different version of myself...I actually think that's probably evidence that I do trust her because I don't think I'd be able to reveal that version to her if I didn't. So I think it's partly that 'being seen' - which is potentially so powerful and could have such positive, healing impact - that is so vulnerable and scary.

 

[watundah]

@barefoot, you have captured my experiences exactly. She asked me yesterday what my younger self needs to feel safe. I wish I knew.

Interesting what you wrote about how you have many defenses. True that we are incredibly complex with so many layers. I used to think that my issue was that I couldn't deal with the one sidedness of therapy where she knows all about me and I know nothing in return. She has shared quite a bit to help me feel more comfortable. It has helped some but still, the wall. This woman works haaaard and I so appreciate that. She tries so gently to pry me open and does a lot of talking and asking of questions.

I may need to write about this this week and see if I can advance at all. Even sharing my writing is huge (so revealing) but it helps when my voice wont work.

 

[barefoot]

@watundah - yes, I find writing helps too. I find it very difficult to connect to my emotions during sessions - even still, now I'm not dissociating. I think my therapist used to think I had difficulty connecting to my emotions full stop. But then she read an entry in my journal and saw that I could - I can connect to them, really feel them, reflect on them, analyse them, express them in an articulate way... I just can't seem to do it in her room! At least, not verbally....maybe I could write something in an emotionally connected way in the session, just not say it out loud...I'm not sure as I've never tried.

If there's something I really need to get out (so, it's usually when I'm in a heightened anxious state!), I'll sometimes email her and I'll be much more emotionally open then...I say things in a way that I can't see I'd ever be able to actually verbalise in session. So I'll vomit it out on email, then the next time I see her she'll ask how I am and I say fine. Weird, isn't it?! Because if I can say it in an email, it's not that I don't want her to know....I just can't make myself say things out loud in person with her.

I find it very frustrating and am grateful that she is very patient. She's far more patient than I am with myself about it!

 

[watundah]

There's a lot of good feedback here and thoughts I can mull on. It sounds like fear is the big showstopper. Fear of intimacy, vulnerability, being seen, abandonment., feeling. All so crippling.

What does our inner child need to feel safe?

 

[Rumors]

What does our inner child need to feel safe?

Boy if that isn't the million dollar question.... I have struggled accepting that there is an inner child. Hell, I am still trying to find my inner adult!!! Stinks...

 

[watundah]

It became clear to me that this younger self exists because 'she' is the one who takes over and shuts down and feels anxious in therapy. The adult version is the strong, competent one who moves around the world, gets shit done, etc.

I agree, it is weird, I am so not my self in therapy - except that I am - that younger, hurting one. The idea of having a conversation with my inner child? That hasn't happened. I've tried and Ive felt sadness, loneliness, but no little voice. I always thought that was a bit out there, but I've been slow to grasp everything my therapist has tried to teach me!