Transference And Afraid That My T Is Frustrated With Me.

[FindingMyself88]

Things have been slowly getting worse over the past few weeks to the point that if things don't turn around soon I am afraid I will need to go inpatient again to keep from acting.


So my T came back after a 2 month recovery for surgery and things were looking good. I was able to get back into university again and Kaz (my service dog in training) is doing well enough to join me to class. Being back in school is a good thing even if it is a tad scary.

We were set up to start EMDR again because before my T left we had started on one of my most intense developmental traumas. The more we did EMDR, the more stuff came up. I began realizing that I had been molested by my now dead ex stepmom for wayyyyyyy more than just a year or two. More like 4-8 years. Because the flashbacks and triggers weren't stopping we decided to start the EMDR again last week.

The hardest part for me in any part of the therapy process is allowing myself to feel the emotions. Emotions are VERY overwhelming for me. We know that one reason also is that my real dad would tell me he would beat me more if I cried so I feel unsafe to cry. It's like a wall literally goes up. If I do let it down enough to shed a few tears, I am still holding back like a tsunami of sobs and screams. Well this happened again and my therapist decided it was time to stop doing trauma work for right now. She said until we can get me comfortable feeling things then EMDR isn't going to work.

So I left feeling like a failure pretty much even though she kept telling me I wasn't. I got home and I don't want to say it was a flashback, but rather a really intense memory. I was probably 7 or 8 and was VERY sick laying on the couch at my mom's house (she had main custody of me). I was begging and crying for my mom to hold me or do something. Instead she starts screaming at me and says she can't take it anymore and walks out, leaving me alone! I remember I was crying so hard I was throwing up- it was the worst feeling ever.

Later on my thoughts drifted back to the therapist I saw before my current one. Looking back, she was SO professional she was uncaring. If I cried in session with her, she wouldn't even offer me a tissue and she just stared at me saying nothing. Several times time for session would be up and she would send me out the door still crying and say "See you next week!" Because crying was never safe as a child, this would leave me in a very precarious position.

I think I am having some transference issues with my current T and my mom and old T. Logically I know that my T will not do me the way either of them have. In the past if I was upset by flashback or what not, she has been known to hold me over and be late with her next client or ask me to sit on the porch and she would check on me after her next client. Also the few times I've managed to cry she will say things like "You are safe, I am here, its okay, let it out, etc". But several things hold me back

1) I am afraid that if I ever truly let go, everyone in the whole building will hear me cry and scream. That is not only embarrassing for me but as a child if I did cry I had to make sure it was silent so my dad didn't hear me.

2) Even though my therapist is great about offering verbal support, I still feel like that little girl crying on the couch alone because her mom walked out on her instead of hugging her like she asked for. I know ethically that T's typically don't want to make contact. This isn't something I've talked with my T about and I don't even know what form of contact I would want that would help if it would help. This is where I asked my T if I could bring Kaz to sessions but she says she thinks that I would then rely on him and not her. But I feel like being able to bury into him and cry would help me focus more on his love and acceptance rather than my panic and judgement of my emotions.

3) I know that my T can't hold me over after our session and like I said earlier I feel like if I ever do truly let go- it won't stop. I know logically they will but probably not within the hour. I am terrified of going home with everything all raw. Home is NOT a safe place for me to be so emotionally open because of my mom. Plus being alone is when my thoughts and judgements REALLY take over. There have been times where it was hard to make it home without acting on those judgements. One time I couldn't leave my T's office because if I did I knew I would act on it... that is when I ended up being admitted voluntarily back in December.


So now lets back up a bit. I called my therapist Thursday to ask if we could try bringing Kaz. She returned my call on Friday but it was a very brief call (3 minutes). I stupidly tried explaining the memories I had in those brief 3 minutes to explain why I thought Kaz would help. I misworded it in my attempt to rush it and made it sound like I don't feel safe in therapy. My T caught that and asked "So you don't feel safe in therapy?" but then its like she quickly changed the subject. After that the conversation ended kind of stiffly. Now I am terrified that I hurt her feelings or that she is frustrated with me. I am dreading our appointment Tuesday and that is not typical. Therapy has been my "safe place" even though I haven't been able to fully open up (which as above some of that is because of me not feeling safe with myself) but now I'm afraid that's about to change.

I've been very unstable this week. Something happened in my sociology class with another classmate that is in my group. Sure others have said I had a right to be mad and upset by what/how she said something, but I feel like had I not been so off kilter this week it wouldn't have bothered me AS badly. It affected me so bad I dissociated and was shaking, I couldn't find my car in the deck for like 30 minutes (had to check 5 of the 6 decks) and was late for meeting a friend on campus.

I see my psychiatrist on the 21st and I am asking to be put back on the stronger anxiety meds. I've been off them since December but what they have me on is not working and if we are stopping trauma work and going back to the basics, I am going to need help coping.

 

[scout86]

Now I am terrified that I hurt her feelings or that she is frustrated with me.

I've had something like this happen. It turned out I was picking up on something "real" but totally misreading it. Around the first of this year, my T had a LOT going on in his own life. He seemed "different". I assumed it was me (because what else could it be? If something is wrong, it HAS to be "me", doesn't it? :confused:) I finally asked him what I'd done. :rolleyes: He was appalled. He thought he'd been handling his own stuff better than he was. We finally concluded that I might have learned to be a bit better than average at picking up "disturbances in energy", but that maybe I ought to consider all of that isn't always "my fault".

So, I'd like to throw out that your T could be frustrated with you. She also could be frustrated with herself. It also could have nothing to do with your situation at all.

How much of what you explained here about crying etc have you told her? You might want to consider going with "all of it". Worrying that the crying will never stop is understandable and I can see how it would be a problem. (You know that's just not literally possible, right?) I'll bet, once she's aware of exactly what you're worrying about, she'll be able to help. Even with the boundary part, once she knows what's going on in your head, I'll bet she'll be able to help.

After the disruption of her surgery and being off that length of time, I think it's understandable that it will take the 2 of you awhile to settle back in. a

She said until we can get me comfortable feeling things then EMDR isn't going to work.

I don't know a lot about EMDR, but this makes a lot of sense. And, what's bothering you right now is related to that, isn't it? I suspect this topic is one of those things that's going to be tough, but it's something the two of you can manage. You really ARE safe to trust her, I think. You might want to start with sharing what you wrote here.

 

[Intrepid]

I went through a similar set of feelings and experiences several years ago. I had been going to couples therapy with my now ex-wife, and it didn't work out. But I kept the therapist.

I would start hitting the hard stuff and crying hard and loud at about 50 minutes into therapy. I was lucky. She would let the therapy go over by 20 minutes.

Therapy was in her house, and at first I was worried that her kids, older teenagers, would hear me scream and become upset. I was afraid she would get overwhelmed. I was afraid she would use my vulnerability as an opportunity to abuse me. I was afraid she would need a therapist after she heard my horror stories. I was afraid of a lot of things.

It took a long time (years) to work those fears out. Now I have a new therapist. I was afraid that I would have to go through all of that again, but it turns out that my previous therapist had left me feeling pretty safe, and that sense of safety moved on to my current therapist.

The point is, this stuff you are dealing with is normal for someone with developmental PTSD. Keep going. It’s a lot of work. It takes time. But it does get better.

 

[FindingMyself88]

How much of what you explained here about crying etc have you told her?

She knows about the whole dad issue. I tried explaining the mom thing Friday but like I said it was rushed and came out wrong.. I know I need to explain all of this- I am just terrified of saying it wrong..

The point is, this stuff you are dealing with is normal for someone with developmental PTSD. Keep going. It’s a lot of work. It takes time. But it does get better.

Thank you both. I just really hate making people upset, especially my T. I know Tuesday is going to be INCREDIBLY difficult. I understand why she doesn't want Kaz to come, but I also think he would help a lot.

 

[scout86]

I just really hate making people upset,

Mostly, people have to be responsible for their own reactions to stuff. You don't have to protect your T. All of this is complicated enough, without thinking you have to try to control how other people feel too!

I am just terrified of saying it wrong..

I feel that way a lot too. Thing is, there really IS no "wrong" in cases like this. You can get things more or less accurate, and maybe sometimes it takes awhile to make your point clear, but there is no "wrong".

I understand why she doesn't want Kaz to come, but I also think he would help a lot.

Maybe you can negotiate this. Try it "her way". If that doesn't work, maybe she'll let you try it "your way". Think of it as an experiment.

I know Tuesday is going to be INCREDIBLY difficult.

Maybe, but you've been through worse, right? You can do this!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

You should tell her everything you typed here, I think. I understand about your ex therapist staring at you and not offering a tissue, the exact same happened to me last year, she sucked at empathy!

The most important thing is to go at your own pace, it can't be rushed unfortunately. Tell her what your worries are, take your time.

I wish you good luck for Tuesday.

 

[PollyScotland]

I struggle to verbalise some emotional stuff, so I often write down what I want to tell my T, and take it to the next session for him to read. This way I know I've had time to write it down how I want it to be understood, in my own time.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Sorry I didn't respond before- just basically was trying to make it through yesterday without calling and canceling my appointment today.

My therapist started the session with one of our "insider" jokes. My T can tell what kind of week it has been based off how I position myself on her couch. For instance if I sit normally its been a fairly good week, but if I grab a pillow and put it in my lap its been a bad week. Before I even sat down she says "I'm guessing this is going to be a hug the pillow session?" and smiled at me.

We talked about all of it except for my need for contact- I wasn't ready to talk about that yet. She reassured me that I am not a failure and begged me to not be frustrated with myself. She said even though we are stopping the actual trauma work right now, we are still working towards the end goal just taking a different route. So we talked about how this week has went and the triggers I've had, but she focused in on how those issues made me feel.

At one point when we were talking about my frustration at myself some emotions started to come up and of course I started to shove them down. She just looks at me and says "Are you afraid that if you start crying, you will not be able to stop?". I had not mentioned this too her yet. I just nodded and then opened up about the memory and also my last T. She was very sympathetic and just let it go for now and didn't push me. We looked at my paintings I did this week and talked through those. She is very intuitive when it comes to my paintings. She gets a WHOLE lot of info out of some very abstract stuff I do. Some of it is stuff I see and some of it is stuff that I don't realize until she brings it up and then it makes sense.

Somehow the schedule got messed up and she is booked next week without a spot for me. So if she has an opening on Tuesday or Thursday she will call me, but otherwise it will be 3 weeks before I see her again. She wants me to keep up with my journal paintings and keep another gratitude journal where I write down 2 things I am thankful for each week.

 

[Leigh925]

When I was open with my therapist about the fact that if I started crying that I may not stop...he purposely scheduled my next appointment as his last patient for the day and made it a two hour appointment. It was great to finally give myself permission to have that release.

My therapist also gives hugs. I have to add that discussing the policy and boundaries was an awkward conversation but it was really worth it.

Most skilled therapist know how to use some transference in a positive way. I know he is not my dad and cannot take the place of him but he modeling for me that people of the opposite sex can be trusted. I have been seeing him for two years now and it took me a lot of that time before I trusted him.

Every time I was open enough to discuss the hard stuff with him....it always paid off. Best of luck!

 

[Eagle3]

My therapist knows about my need for physical contact, so not only has he started hugging me after every session and does bodywork on a regular basis, but there was one session where he sat and held me for about 20 minutes while I worked out some panic and other feelings. Apparently, tactile stimulus is required for me to reconnect my physical, mental, and emotional selves. It was wonderful! A good therapist will be able to give contact within professional boundaries. Pursue the topic, its worth it if the therapist is comfortable working with it :)

 

[PollyScotland]

You're lucky if your T feels hugs / contact is ok. I had a discussion last time with my T regarding our EMDR and me being scared in case I end up a bubbling wreck. He knows I hate the thought of losing control of myself & my emotions. This makes me block / resist some parts of therapy. He asked me what would be so bad if I did end up crying in session and feeling out of control, and what he could do to help. I wanted to say that a hug or even just some sort of hand on my shoulder / hand would be comforting, but I couldn't as I couldn't face the embarrassment of being denied this. I'm sure his professional boundaries would not allow contact anyway, apart from a hand shake.

I'm not a huggy person as such, but sometimes I'm tired of always being strong and want someone to comfort me...