Complex Ptsd

[Laurie2001]

I am feeling totally hopeless about getting to a better place regarding my symptoms. There are so many layers of fear and trauma starting when I was so young. I realize some of the terror began when I was younger than I thought. I've been in good therapy - but I feel like a walking wound or at other times so hyperaroused and agitated. How do I heal stuff from so long ago, especially when there were so many other similar trauma's that happened again and again throughout my childhood?

 

[rightkindofme]

Slowly, one tiny bit at a time. I've had to be ok with the fact that it will take me at least as many years to heal as I spent being abused.

But I'm doing way the heck better than I used to believe possible. I'm still hopeful.

 

[RavenGirl]

Slowly, one tiny bit at a time.

I agree, I look at the healing process like the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. The tortoise went slowly, but he's the one who finished and WON the race. :tup:So even if we feel like it's taking to much time, we're getting the help and healing that we need. Hang in there. ;)

 

[sun seeker]

I've been in good therapy - but I feel like a walking wound or at other times so hyperaroused and agitated.

Sigh. I hate it when people tell me they know how I feel... but I can't think of a better way to express it right now. I know how you feel. Complex trauma is just horrible any way you look at it. I'm so sorry about what you are going through.

My one question would be: you say you've been to good therapy, but what kind of therapy exactly? There are lots of kinds of good therapy but the right fit makes all the difference. Can you tell us more?

 

[I have a username]

Yeah....I do know how you feel. It started when I was a baby, but I've healed from stuff I never imagined it would be possible, trust me. The thing with cptsd is that, at least for me, it feels like it's never ending cause it's just too f**king much. we need to be VERY persistent. I'm on a phase of trying to find out who I really am under those layers; it's not easy when there is no "before" like with ptsd. There is no "me" before the trauma cause everything has been always trauma. For me the goal now is to learn to trust my intuition and basic instincts. This is especially hard when your trust has been betrayed over and over. Have faith and don't give up

 

[Intrepid]

we need to be VERY persistent.

Therapy can only do so much. I've had good hearted therapists who missed the point. I've had at least one good therapist who I fired because I didn't like him telling me I'm wrong. (I was wrong). My current therapist is telling me things that I believe will help, but she doesn't always understand where I'm coming from.

So, I keep working. Yes, there's years of childhood trauma to unravel. There's years of living in flashbacks and anger, then medicating all of it away. That might need unraveled too.

One thing about repeated trauma. I had someone tell me a long time ago that when something happens over and over you don't always need to pick apart each incident. You look for patterns.

 

[I have a username]

Y

Therapy can only do so much. I've had good hearted therapists who missed the point. I've had at least...

Yes! That's right. One of my therapists said they are like Christmas lights, once you find the main one and knock it down, all the others will shut down automatically. It's been working. The thing for me was that the abuse was so well hidden that finding them and acknowledge they DID happen was a though job, I still doubt of myself a lot but I'm improving tremendously.

 

[sun seeker]

One thing about repeated trauma. I had someone tell me a long time ago that when something happens over and over you don't always need to pick apart each incident. You look for patterns.

I'm finding that extremely helpful.

 

[Laurie2001]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm with a therapist whose been doing trauma work for 30 years and I have another therapist - the two work together - who is actually doing sessions with my mother and me and I'm in a group with these two women (therapists). Its like every time I think I'm feeling better all the symptoms hit me so hard. I had a very difficult session with my therapist yesterday because I couldn't sit through group the last time because I was just too raw and felt like I was regressing and because what I said in the beginning of the thread: that I realized there was this really early stuff. I know my therapist didn't mean to be, but she was sort of rough about the rules of the group in our next session, saying how its a group for grown ups. I expressed how upsetting what she said was and questioned why she just couldn't say I was having a very hard day and it wasn't a good day to be in group. But you know how sometimes even if you sort of work through an interaction - if it cuts you to the quick and you feel not empathized with at such an intensely vulnerable moment it just throws you. So I'm trying not to ruminate about it, but it just keeps reverberating. Obviously resonating because of my past. Sorry to be such a downer, but this process is just hell. And I am so tired.

 

[Intrepid]

Relationships are hard. I'm having to confront my therapist on Tuesday about something she said our last session. I have little doubt she will respond appropriately. However, I am still wishing she never made me uncomfortable.

 

[Laurie2001]

Yeah and even if they are extremely empathic, which I feel is what we who have to deal with this stuff need, everybody gets things wrong sometime or can be out of sync. Isn't it hard though how certain things can just send your symptoms soaring. I guess feeling like I lost my therapist for a moment brought up how alone I felt when all those terrible things happened in the past and then I'm left with just fear. Its so immobilizing. I do realize I need to take a lot of yoga to create a place inside that's free from all that stuff and to be able to create that space at other times.

 

[sun seeker]

I had a very difficult session with my therapist yesterday because I couldn't sit through group the last time because I was just too raw and felt like I was regressing and because what I said in the beginning of the thread: that I realized there was this really early stuff.

To me, if you are regressing that is an opportunity to work on the stage of development you are regressed to. I'm sorry your therapist had a negative reaction, though I can see a group might not be the place to work on it. I just had to say something about this though, because it sounds perhaps as though you are feeling some shame about this, and I hope you can let that go. If you are working on early trauma, regressed states are part of the package for a while until you work through the trauma associated with those stages of development. Do you also have a therapist who can help you with this?