- Moderator
- #37
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Good for you!! She does not respect boundaries, and she needs a foot put down!
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Relationship Failing Relationship With My Ptsd/bordeline Gf
- Post starter AzorAhai77
- Start date
- Status
Good for you!! She does not respect boundaries, and she needs a foot put down!
D'oh!!! :banghead:
Sorry Azor,
this has been clear from your first post and I didn't spot it until now.
She attributes her difficulties onto you, onto others
The case study in this video comes accross very like what you've been describing. she may well have PTSD and Borderline. but I've not been seeing her narcissism, despite your clear descriptions of it.
Be extremely careful!
She may be manipulating you beyond taking advantage of your work and money
There may be an element of manipulating you into being aggressive towards her - so that she can feel all aloof that no one is worthy of her - everyone is just nasty and aggressive underneath. I may be completely wrong about this.
if that is what is happening, staying calm, cold and reasonable will avoid any game she might be trying to play. Look up "narcissistic supply" and most importantly "low grade narcissistic supply" but do not attempt to try to play with it! it isn't worth it.
the bottom line is, dis-entangle your living arrangement from her as soon and as calmly as possible, and keep well clear of her in the future. You deserve better.
Sorry Azor,
this has been clear from your first post and I didn't spot it until now.
She attributes her difficulties onto you, onto others
The case study in this video comes accross very like what you've been describing. she may well have PTSD and Borderline. but I've not been seeing her narcissism, despite your clear descriptions of it.
She may be manipulating you beyond taking advantage of your work and money
There may be an element of manipulating you into being aggressive towards her - so that she can feel all aloof that no one is worthy of her - everyone is just nasty and aggressive underneath. I may be completely wrong about this.
if that is what is happening, staying calm, cold and reasonable will avoid any game she might be trying to play. Look up "narcissistic supply" and most importantly "low grade narcissistic supply" but do not attempt to try to play with it! it isn't worth it.
the bottom line is, dis-entangle your living arrangement from her as soon and as calmly as possible, and keep well clear of her in the future. You deserve better.
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #39
AzorAhai77
New Here
Unfortunately this situation keeps getting worse and worse and I feel like I’m only writing this as a cry for help because even though I’m no longer with this woman anymore I empathize with her despite how much she must hate me right now.
That night (a little over a week ago) she came home with her friend to do work in the basement. I had told her I didn’t want her friend over, but realized he was the only one who could help her and I didn’t want to deny her that. I told her friend I just want what is best for her so he could help her with her work. I just decided to fall asleep on the couch in the living room. It was about 6am when she woke me up and told me to get off her couch and she didn’t want me to invite anyone she didn’t know over to the house anymore. Earlier that night, I had a cousin over to watch the football game and she immediately left with her friend to get her foster brother to talk to me and my cousin and convince my company to leave. I told her this is her couch, when she leaves she can take it with her but we’re both on the lease and I’m not going to allow her to disrespect me by telling me I can’t sit on the only furniture our house. She got suddenly angry, went to grab a 5 gallon bucket of cold water and tossed it on me. She has done this before, but I had enough of her disrespect and unfortunately stooped to her level and put some back on her as I felt that was the only thing I could do to feel better about her treating me so bad. After doing this to her, she became engulfed in a rage, grabbed a hammer and started going around the house smashing many of my possessions. She broke a laptop I was fixing for a friend, my work laptop and many other electronics and valuables. During this time, I had my hand on the hammer and was trying to stop her from smashing my things. We ended up tangled and she starts attacking me while we’re still fighting for the hammer. This lasted for at least 10 minutes of her kicking me, tripping me while I’m trying to get her to calm down (and take the hammer from her). There was a little blood on both of us (which I can imagine came from the hammer she was swinging around). After the 10 minutes of her attacking me I see her bracelet on the floor and pick it up. She asks for it back and I give it to her under the agreement that she stop acting violent. After I hand it to her, she calls her foster sister and tells her that I hit her. This caused my heart to sink because I know the whole time I’ve been trying to get her to cease the frenzy she was in. I didn’t hit her at all. Someone called the police and she immediately took her dog and left. I was there all alone until her foster sister shows up with the Police. The police asked me about the situation and was honest with everything. I’m currently pressing charges for the work laptop she broke, which could have cost me my job. The Police suggested I should leave for the day and I did just that.
The next day later I try to get my things but she’s locked me out of my own house by changing the locks on me. I had to call the Police again, who tried to talk and convince her of my right to be in my own house, but she wasn’t having it. She called her foster sister over there and pissed off the Police by letting her in and slamming the door before the officer could come in. They told me I can legally break into my own house and grab the rest of my things if I wish, but at the time I didn’t have a truck to transport my belongings. After we left, I get a text from some of her family telling me I can come get my things if I want to. I wasn’t able to find a truck until the next day though. The next day was the day of her grandfather’s funeral, so she wasn’t home and I thought it was a perfect time to grab my things. When we got to the house, I found that she had all of my belongings laid out outside in the back yard to the point where anyone walking down our block could see it. I grabbed all my things and got into my house through the air conditioner (as I told the landlord I didn’t want to break anything relating to the house). I go in the house, grab the rest of my things and left for good. I texted her friend I got everything I needed, I shut the window where the air conditioner was and locked up the house. I didn’t hear anything from them for this past week, which I’ve been gradually recovering from this situation. This was until last night when I visited her foster brother and he told me that someone had gone into her house and stole her plants and everyone thinks it was me. At this time, she had also started a trial for a pending felonious charge. So with our breakup, her grandfather’s passing, her plants stolen and being on trial put her so on edge she was badmouthing the judge and they locked her up until her next court date. Her foster brother said she’s so mad at me right now she wants to kill me. For someone who is innocent of all this and just wanted to finally leave her alone and let her live her life without me, I feel like I’ve become sucked back into this mess that has nothing to do with me. I don’t know if there is any way to clear my name or ever heal from what has transpired. This whole situation is tearing away at me because when I first met her, all I wanted is for her to be happy and help improve her life. Now, her life is much worse and there is absolutely nothing I can do for her now. I’ve sent her mother, brother and friend a text letting them know I just found out about what happened to her plants and I had nothing to do with it. I told them they can call me after work today if they want to talk about it. I feel like I have to let them know I didn’t do it after finding out what has happened. If I didn’t, it would make it seem like I didn’t care, which is suspicious. Needless to say, I hate my life right now. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I would appreciate any advice on how I can fix all of this. I also want to thank all of you for reading this and providing me with an outlet to reach out. Thank you again.
That night (a little over a week ago) she came home with her friend to do work in the basement. I had told her I didn’t want her friend over, but realized he was the only one who could help her and I didn’t want to deny her that. I told her friend I just want what is best for her so he could help her with her work. I just decided to fall asleep on the couch in the living room. It was about 6am when she woke me up and told me to get off her couch and she didn’t want me to invite anyone she didn’t know over to the house anymore. Earlier that night, I had a cousin over to watch the football game and she immediately left with her friend to get her foster brother to talk to me and my cousin and convince my company to leave. I told her this is her couch, when she leaves she can take it with her but we’re both on the lease and I’m not going to allow her to disrespect me by telling me I can’t sit on the only furniture our house. She got suddenly angry, went to grab a 5 gallon bucket of cold water and tossed it on me. She has done this before, but I had enough of her disrespect and unfortunately stooped to her level and put some back on her as I felt that was the only thing I could do to feel better about her treating me so bad. After doing this to her, she became engulfed in a rage, grabbed a hammer and started going around the house smashing many of my possessions. She broke a laptop I was fixing for a friend, my work laptop and many other electronics and valuables. During this time, I had my hand on the hammer and was trying to stop her from smashing my things. We ended up tangled and she starts attacking me while we’re still fighting for the hammer. This lasted for at least 10 minutes of her kicking me, tripping me while I’m trying to get her to calm down (and take the hammer from her). There was a little blood on both of us (which I can imagine came from the hammer she was swinging around). After the 10 minutes of her attacking me I see her bracelet on the floor and pick it up. She asks for it back and I give it to her under the agreement that she stop acting violent. After I hand it to her, she calls her foster sister and tells her that I hit her. This caused my heart to sink because I know the whole time I’ve been trying to get her to cease the frenzy she was in. I didn’t hit her at all. Someone called the police and she immediately took her dog and left. I was there all alone until her foster sister shows up with the Police. The police asked me about the situation and was honest with everything. I’m currently pressing charges for the work laptop she broke, which could have cost me my job. The Police suggested I should leave for the day and I did just that.
The next day later I try to get my things but she’s locked me out of my own house by changing the locks on me. I had to call the Police again, who tried to talk and convince her of my right to be in my own house, but she wasn’t having it. She called her foster sister over there and pissed off the Police by letting her in and slamming the door before the officer could come in. They told me I can legally break into my own house and grab the rest of my things if I wish, but at the time I didn’t have a truck to transport my belongings. After we left, I get a text from some of her family telling me I can come get my things if I want to. I wasn’t able to find a truck until the next day though. The next day was the day of her grandfather’s funeral, so she wasn’t home and I thought it was a perfect time to grab my things. When we got to the house, I found that she had all of my belongings laid out outside in the back yard to the point where anyone walking down our block could see it. I grabbed all my things and got into my house through the air conditioner (as I told the landlord I didn’t want to break anything relating to the house). I go in the house, grab the rest of my things and left for good. I texted her friend I got everything I needed, I shut the window where the air conditioner was and locked up the house. I didn’t hear anything from them for this past week, which I’ve been gradually recovering from this situation. This was until last night when I visited her foster brother and he told me that someone had gone into her house and stole her plants and everyone thinks it was me. At this time, she had also started a trial for a pending felonious charge. So with our breakup, her grandfather’s passing, her plants stolen and being on trial put her so on edge she was badmouthing the judge and they locked her up until her next court date. Her foster brother said she’s so mad at me right now she wants to kill me. For someone who is innocent of all this and just wanted to finally leave her alone and let her live her life without me, I feel like I’ve become sucked back into this mess that has nothing to do with me. I don’t know if there is any way to clear my name or ever heal from what has transpired. This whole situation is tearing away at me because when I first met her, all I wanted is for her to be happy and help improve her life. Now, her life is much worse and there is absolutely nothing I can do for her now. I’ve sent her mother, brother and friend a text letting them know I just found out about what happened to her plants and I had nothing to do with it. I told them they can call me after work today if they want to talk about it. I feel like I have to let them know I didn’t do it after finding out what has happened. If I didn’t, it would make it seem like I didn’t care, which is suspicious. Needless to say, I hate my life right now. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I would appreciate any advice on how I can fix all of this. I also want to thank all of you for reading this and providing me with an outlet to reach out. Thank you again.
- Moderator
- #40
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Run far far away and stay away. She is abusive and unstable. See if you can break your lease. Who cares what her family thinks? I would stay away from them too. This whole thing is a mess, and she is going to end up costing you a job, getting you tossed in jail for Domestic Violece, or she is going to kill you with a hammer. Now is the time to take care of your own personal safety first. I'd get a restraining order and cut off contact.
Hi Azor.
Ouch!
Will the landlord let you out of the lease?
You have a strong bargaining position that your ex has thrown your stuff out, changed the locks etc
It is also in his interest to avoid her having any way to dodge responsibility, if he has a dispute with her in the future.
Having your name off the lease is therefore in his interest.
Your ex will probably want you off the lease too. You ll work out the negotiating tactics to get her to agree ( eg, you want keys, access etc, or, you want the whole lease cancelled and she has to get out...)
Please avoid any contact with her.
Get records from the cops if you can. Also see if you can get the name and a contact number for the cop who attended. He seems sensible.
If you must have contact, be sure to take a witness with you, and see if it is possible to forewarn the cops.
I'm not suggesting that this will happen, merely that it can. A friend of mine had a similar sort of situation with his then wife. She called the cops and told them that he had threatened her. He got to spend the whole weekend in a shared holding cell ( it was in South western Tennessee!) Fortunately he didnt get further abused while there. Others here have had far worse than my friend, see for example introductory posts by Evan, and Ed Norton's trauma diary ( in Ed's case it was his mother).
So, yeah, credible witness[es] and the cops fore warned, if you absolutely must have face to face meetings
Good luck and sorry that you got on the receiving end of uncontrolled borderline/ narcissistic rage.
Ouch!
Will the landlord let you out of the lease?
You have a strong bargaining position that your ex has thrown your stuff out, changed the locks etc
It is also in his interest to avoid her having any way to dodge responsibility, if he has a dispute with her in the future.
Having your name off the lease is therefore in his interest.
Your ex will probably want you off the lease too. You ll work out the negotiating tactics to get her to agree ( eg, you want keys, access etc, or, you want the whole lease cancelled and she has to get out...)
Please avoid any contact with her.
Get records from the cops if you can. Also see if you can get the name and a contact number for the cop who attended. He seems sensible.
If you must have contact, be sure to take a witness with you, and see if it is possible to forewarn the cops.
I'm not suggesting that this will happen, merely that it can. A friend of mine had a similar sort of situation with his then wife. She called the cops and told them that he had threatened her. He got to spend the whole weekend in a shared holding cell ( it was in South western Tennessee!) Fortunately he didnt get further abused while there. Others here have had far worse than my friend, see for example introductory posts by Evan, and Ed Norton's trauma diary ( in Ed's case it was his mother).
So, yeah, credible witness[es] and the cops fore warned, if you absolutely must have face to face meetings
Good luck and sorry that you got on the receiving end of uncontrolled borderline/ narcissistic rage.
I fully agree with sweetpea about staying clear of her family if you can (I realise that may be easier said than done, if yours is a small community).
BPD and Narcissistic personality both seem to have their origins in the interaction of individual susceptibility and an invalidating or dysfunctional environment.
Her lack of interpersonal skills, distress tolerance skills, and her displays of bizzare histrionic behaviour were all at least partly learned in her interactions with that family.
Although the wish to help her is laudable, it is not safe for you to try.
Even trained DBT therapists work as a team, and receive therapy themselves as part of the process, to prevent them from burning out.
You've given far more than the vast majority of people could. Now is time to stand back and stay clear.
Take care of your self. Please feel free to keep coming here for support, and even if you just want to vent, as you put the pieces of your life back together.
@
BPD and Narcissistic personality both seem to have their origins in the interaction of individual susceptibility and an invalidating or dysfunctional environment.
Her lack of interpersonal skills, distress tolerance skills, and her displays of bizzare histrionic behaviour were all at least partly learned in her interactions with that family.
Although the wish to help her is laudable, it is not safe for you to try.
Even trained DBT therapists work as a team, and receive therapy themselves as part of the process, to prevent them from burning out.
You've given far more than the vast majority of people could. Now is time to stand back and stay clear.
Take care of your self. Please feel free to keep coming here for support, and even if you just want to vent, as you put the pieces of your life back together.
@
- Post starter
- #43
AzorAhai77
New Here
@Sweetpea76 Thank you for the advice. I plan to stay away from her. Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of the landlord, who has been sick lately. Unfortunately he told me I can't get out of the lease unless I can get her to agree to sign a new lease, but there's two problems with that: the landlord is well aware of her behavioral issues and has been on the receiving end a few times, so he doesn't want to do it. She also doesn't want to live there anymore, so she won't agree to do it as well. He mentioned to me her mother payed rent for this month and he said I may have to go to court if she ends up getting evicted before the end of the lease, but he can write up a letter that will excuse me from any costs or eviction being put on my rental history if it comes to that. I told him I did get the electricity out of my name and it may have gotten put back in his name, so he should tell her to get it in her name.
@Anarchy I need to get a hold of my landlord again as I did just received a text from her saying our landlord told her I violated our lease by getting the electricity out of my name (because now it's back in his name) and she refuses to get the electricity in her name unless he gets me off the lease, which he won't do for her because he doesn't want her there anymore. She told him to evict us both if he must and she believes that's what he'll do. She also made a point to insult me and my family at the end of her message, which isn't surprising at this point. Now I need to speak with our landlord again to make sure I'm not going to end up with an eviction on my credit history. It seems like based on what happened to her plants, she's trying to get back at me but if we both get evicted it doesn't bode well for her either, which I find strange if she's engaging in any sort of retaliation.
Thanks for the information. I'm going to look into Evan's posts and Ed Norton's trauma diary.
My mother lives very close to her foster brother, but her family (mother, brother etc.) live out of town fortunately. I'm on good terms with her foster brother, but I don't associate with him much anymore because I'm convinced he was the one she called to change the locks at my house. Upon realizing that, I can't really associate with him knowing he had a part to play in me not being able to get into my own home (even if he does think she's wrong for what she's put me through).
This woman has been through so much in her life, but I've become content with the fact she's no longer my problem.
I totally agree with you about her behavior being learned in her interactions with her family. Her father beat her mother growing up. Mother in return beat the kids. Then the father passes away when the kids were about 8. Both parents were alcoholics, her mother being the worst. She couldn't take care of her kids so away they go. Brother ends up beating on her in adult life. Mother takes the brother's side during the incident and doesn't help her daughter. Couple that with pending felonious charges, few mental hospital quarantines, and an amazing track record of bad breakups I was fighting a losing battle from the start. I never wanted to see her suffer any more than she did, but I realize she plays a huge role in her own suffering. No one person can take this on by oneself and succeed.
I honestly believe only a team of trained DBT therapists can save her life from this web of dysfunction. I don't believe anyone with her BPD and NPD just break out of that shell without getting help. She seems bent on believing a relationship with an ideal man who can live up to her unrealistic expectations will give her the happiness she needs in her life without realizing her own internal issues are reigning unchecked and will never allow her to be compatible with a man she deems worthy of her affection. So she will continue this cycle of finding another person who she believes could be "the one" and it never works out because the NPD prohibits her from realizing her own faults.
Thanks! It's going to be tough getting all of this out of my mind but I'm starting to feel a little better inside at least. Time away from her is causing me to feel less depressed as each day goes by. I'm looking forward to recovering from all of this!
@Anarchy I need to get a hold of my landlord again as I did just received a text from her saying our landlord told her I violated our lease by getting the electricity out of my name (because now it's back in his name) and she refuses to get the electricity in her name unless he gets me off the lease, which he won't do for her because he doesn't want her there anymore. She told him to evict us both if he must and she believes that's what he'll do. She also made a point to insult me and my family at the end of her message, which isn't surprising at this point. Now I need to speak with our landlord again to make sure I'm not going to end up with an eviction on my credit history. It seems like based on what happened to her plants, she's trying to get back at me but if we both get evicted it doesn't bode well for her either, which I find strange if she's engaging in any sort of retaliation.
Thanks for the information. I'm going to look into Evan's posts and Ed Norton's trauma diary.
My mother lives very close to her foster brother, but her family (mother, brother etc.) live out of town fortunately. I'm on good terms with her foster brother, but I don't associate with him much anymore because I'm convinced he was the one she called to change the locks at my house. Upon realizing that, I can't really associate with him knowing he had a part to play in me not being able to get into my own home (even if he does think she's wrong for what she's put me through).
This woman has been through so much in her life, but I've become content with the fact she's no longer my problem.
I totally agree with you about her behavior being learned in her interactions with her family. Her father beat her mother growing up. Mother in return beat the kids. Then the father passes away when the kids were about 8. Both parents were alcoholics, her mother being the worst. She couldn't take care of her kids so away they go. Brother ends up beating on her in adult life. Mother takes the brother's side during the incident and doesn't help her daughter. Couple that with pending felonious charges, few mental hospital quarantines, and an amazing track record of bad breakups I was fighting a losing battle from the start. I never wanted to see her suffer any more than she did, but I realize she plays a huge role in her own suffering. No one person can take this on by oneself and succeed.
I honestly believe only a team of trained DBT therapists can save her life from this web of dysfunction. I don't believe anyone with her BPD and NPD just break out of that shell without getting help. She seems bent on believing a relationship with an ideal man who can live up to her unrealistic expectations will give her the happiness she needs in her life without realizing her own internal issues are reigning unchecked and will never allow her to be compatible with a man she deems worthy of her affection. So she will continue this cycle of finding another person who she believes could be "the one" and it never works out because the NPD prohibits her from realizing her own faults.
Thanks! It's going to be tough getting all of this out of my mind but I'm starting to feel a little better inside at least. Time away from her is causing me to feel less depressed as each day goes by. I'm looking forward to recovering from all of this!
- Post starter
- #44
AzorAhai77
New Here
So here I am a week later and I've had so many ups and downs it's driving me insane. I plan to call and see if I can get some therapy to help me cope with this emotionally abusive breakup, much to the advice of you all. At times, I get this heavy overwhelming body sensation no matter what I'm thinking about her that lasts for 10-20 minutes daily. It's possible I'm experiencing PTSD. I wake up everyday thinking about her and missing her only to hate how's she's treated by night. I still can't get over how she replaced me right in front of my face and I couldn't see it because I trusted and loved her so much. There were many nights when she was so depressed and sleeping all day (due to her meds) and I kept leaving her because I didn't know how to help her and staying always made things worse. I came upon this which has me second guessing myself. Had I been more prepared understanding her illnesses, could this have worked out? Can non-BPD people have great relationships with BPD people? Could my co-dependency and/or other flaws be the reason why it didn't work? I'm having real trouble getting over the anxiety I have because she may still think I had something to do with her plants getting stolen. Is there any way to prove to her I didn't? I can't stand the thought of her hating me. I believe what's tearing me up inside is the fact there may never be any coming back from this. What I mean by coming back is I know I don't want to be with her but I would still like to be a friend to her. Maybe I'm losing my mind.
EDIT: Can't seem to post the link here. If you google "5 Signs Your BPD or Bipolar Relationship Will Fail" you can view it.
EDIT: Can't seem to post the link here. If you google "5 Signs Your BPD or Bipolar Relationship Will Fail" you can view it.
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Hi Azor,
Sorry that you are feeling so low about what has happened.
can I reassure you, you are not "loosing your mind". you have every right to be upset about what has happened and what you have been subjected to. getting dumped and cheated on hurts!
The feelings of hurt will reduce, it is important to keep reminding ourselves, that things do get better. I realize that you have not had many relationships, so it is easy to think that these feelings are permenant. they are not.
If you have porous interpersonal boundaries (these things are learned - if they are porous, it doesn't mean that they are permanently that way, it is possible to learn new skills), she may have exploited them.
please remind yourself that you cannot control another persons thoughts and opinions.
also, you cannot prove a negative. there is a reason why a prosecutor must prove guilt. in law you are innocent until proven guilty. she can believe whatever she wants to - that belief doesn't make it real.
People who develop BPD can heal and can cease to meet the criteria. Once they learn some skills and learn to apply them, there is no reason why they shouldn't have successful, happy, long term relationships.
Making the effort to heal and learn those skills is something she must do, no one else can do it for her. Presumably the new guy is acting to enable her dysfunction. that is their problem.
If you can afford therapy, yes it really could help to have an understanding person to work this through with, and to help you find new options in your personal life.
Thanks for keeping in touch
@
edit:
Incidentally, please be careful with popular "five of" or "ten of" articles. they can often be seriously misleading, and are usually compiled in a hurry by a journalist who has no depth of knowledge, they can be presenting as factoids areas where there is considerable uncertainty and disagreement, and they usually spin the articles for popular sensation value. There is much better info out there, for example the NEA BPD conferences (the presentations are up on their youtube channel), academic papers, by people like Marsha Linehan, text books and skills training manuals. again, look for Marsha Linehan's name.
Sorry that you are feeling so low about what has happened.
can I reassure you, you are not "loosing your mind". you have every right to be upset about what has happened and what you have been subjected to. getting dumped and cheated on hurts!
The feelings of hurt will reduce, it is important to keep reminding ourselves, that things do get better. I realize that you have not had many relationships, so it is easy to think that these feelings are permenant. they are not.
If you have porous interpersonal boundaries (these things are learned - if they are porous, it doesn't mean that they are permanently that way, it is possible to learn new skills), she may have exploited them.
please remind yourself that you cannot control another persons thoughts and opinions.
also, you cannot prove a negative. there is a reason why a prosecutor must prove guilt. in law you are innocent until proven guilty. she can believe whatever she wants to - that belief doesn't make it real.
People who develop BPD can heal and can cease to meet the criteria. Once they learn some skills and learn to apply them, there is no reason why they shouldn't have successful, happy, long term relationships.
Making the effort to heal and learn those skills is something she must do, no one else can do it for her. Presumably the new guy is acting to enable her dysfunction. that is their problem.
If you can afford therapy, yes it really could help to have an understanding person to work this through with, and to help you find new options in your personal life.
Thanks for keeping in touch
@
edit:
Incidentally, please be careful with popular "five of" or "ten of" articles. they can often be seriously misleading, and are usually compiled in a hurry by a journalist who has no depth of knowledge, they can be presenting as factoids areas where there is considerable uncertainty and disagreement, and they usually spin the articles for popular sensation value. There is much better info out there, for example the NEA BPD conferences (the presentations are up on their youtube channel), academic papers, by people like Marsha Linehan, text books and skills training manuals. again, look for Marsha Linehan's name.
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I'm sure it hurts to realize you don't totally have that power. You have seen she is quite ill and entrenched in her patterns. I agree she needs good help or she will likely continue wrecking relationships. I think it's good you are willing to see this and move on.
Fortunately for you, this is really unlikely PTSD. That does not mean you don't have grief, sadness, loss, pain, hurt, confusion, all the heavy feelings you have. A PTSD framework doesn't sound helpful to me. You are suffering the aftermath of a short but intense and complicated relationship...how it goes with many individuals stuck in unchecked BPD. You'll recover from. Right now I believe it feels just very very hard, and that's totally normal. Just sorry to hear it turned out badly and not as you had hoped.
- Post starter
- #47
AzorAhai77
New Here
@Anarchy Thanks for the words of encouragement. I may have porous interpersonal boundaries and she definitely exploited them. She also didn't have many boundaries because during arguments if I didn't agree with her, she would feel we didn't need to be together because of a simple disagreement. She often made me feel disposable and/or replaceable and this was someone who was supposed to love me. This could be because I didn't set firm boundaries in the beginning.
I wish I could have gotten her involved with DBT but such a pitch was hard to sell based on how things were spiraling downward. She often branded me an idiot when I tried to tell her I would like to get her help with her depression and BPD. I just wish I had been more patient with her (even though I was already extremely patient). Right now I'm struggling with whether or not she's at fault due to her illness. I believe it's her fault her illness reigns unchecked, but can I blame her for treating me the way she did when she knows of no other way to react during her moments of rage?
Thanks for that, it did seem like the site was trying to sell knowledge. The information here is far more reliable.
@Chava You're right. It hurts to have such a greater awareness and understanding of what she's going through but not being in a position to help. If I had the knowledge I have now, I may have been able to be the one person in her life to get her the right kind of treatment, DBT. She's a woman with diagnosed PTSD and BPD, and it appears NPD is also a likelihood. For all of that to go unchecked, I fear she will never have a healthy relationship without treatment.
UPDATE: I drove by the house today to check and see if there was any mail. There's a huge Uhaul sitting in the driveway, so I believe she's moving out by the end of the month. I spent most of my money this month paying other people back for the things she's broken that weren't mine, so I'm trying to decide whether or not to move back into the house or not. The landlord said I won't get an eviction put on my record if I decide not to. I also realize if I don't, it will likely be even more tough for my ex because she likely will get an eviction put on her record and may also get a judgement for not getting the electricity put in her name this month (as the landlord will be expecting her to pay that back).
As far as news on her trial, she's to report to PTS weekly and was getting mental health treatment while incarcerated. Her next court date isn't until 11/30. Do any of you who are well versed in law know if her disrespectful behavior toward the judge can have an effect on the verdict?
I wish I could have gotten her involved with DBT but such a pitch was hard to sell based on how things were spiraling downward. She often branded me an idiot when I tried to tell her I would like to get her help with her depression and BPD. I just wish I had been more patient with her (even though I was already extremely patient). Right now I'm struggling with whether or not she's at fault due to her illness. I believe it's her fault her illness reigns unchecked, but can I blame her for treating me the way she did when she knows of no other way to react during her moments of rage?
Thanks for that, it did seem like the site was trying to sell knowledge. The information here is far more reliable.
@Chava You're right. It hurts to have such a greater awareness and understanding of what she's going through but not being in a position to help. If I had the knowledge I have now, I may have been able to be the one person in her life to get her the right kind of treatment, DBT. She's a woman with diagnosed PTSD and BPD, and it appears NPD is also a likelihood. For all of that to go unchecked, I fear she will never have a healthy relationship without treatment.
UPDATE: I drove by the house today to check and see if there was any mail. There's a huge Uhaul sitting in the driveway, so I believe she's moving out by the end of the month. I spent most of my money this month paying other people back for the things she's broken that weren't mine, so I'm trying to decide whether or not to move back into the house or not. The landlord said I won't get an eviction put on my record if I decide not to. I also realize if I don't, it will likely be even more tough for my ex because she likely will get an eviction put on her record and may also get a judgement for not getting the electricity put in her name this month (as the landlord will be expecting her to pay that back).
As far as news on her trial, she's to report to PTS weekly and was getting mental health treatment while incarcerated. Her next court date isn't until 11/30. Do any of you who are well versed in law know if her disrespectful behavior toward the judge can have an effect on the verdict?
Historically, " not in their right mind". Developed as a mitigation for suicides.
Suicide was seen as a crime against God
So the psychopaths in the church, would try to take possession of all of the deceased's estate in the name of compensating God ( just as ridiculous as the psychopaths in government profiting from crimes against people, the environment etc), any dependants, wife etc, were to have no claim, they were to be dispossessed.
So it was argued that no one in their right mind would wish that on their family, therefore the suicide was not in their right mind, and not responsible for their behaviour...
That's the legalistic argument.
I'll go out on a limb here, I don't think that there is a situation where someone is not in control. We are always responsible for our actions.
I don't know whether her dissing the judge will affect the verdict, technically it shouldn't, but in practice, who knows.
When it comes to sentencing, if she's found guilty... Contempt of the position of judge (it's not the person, it's the position theyre acting in) is taken very seriously and punished harshly.
If she has a crisis coming because of her behaviour, do not try to protect her from the consequences. In this case, you can't, but even if you could, don't. She's an adult and needs to take ownership of the consequences of her behaviour.
Suicide was seen as a crime against God
So the psychopaths in the church, would try to take possession of all of the deceased's estate in the name of compensating God ( just as ridiculous as the psychopaths in government profiting from crimes against people, the environment etc), any dependants, wife etc, were to have no claim, they were to be dispossessed.
So it was argued that no one in their right mind would wish that on their family, therefore the suicide was not in their right mind, and not responsible for their behaviour...
That's the legalistic argument.
I'll go out on a limb here, I don't think that there is a situation where someone is not in control. We are always responsible for our actions.
I don't know whether her dissing the judge will affect the verdict, technically it shouldn't, but in practice, who knows.
When it comes to sentencing, if she's found guilty... Contempt of the position of judge (it's not the person, it's the position theyre acting in) is taken very seriously and punished harshly.
If she has a crisis coming because of her behaviour, do not try to protect her from the consequences. In this case, you can't, but even if you could, don't. She's an adult and needs to take ownership of the consequences of her behaviour.
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