So Exhausting

[nay.elizabeth]

I have no doubt in my mind this has been brought up countless times. I wish I had the energy and focus to go through the numerous forum posts to find similar situations. I hope someone can be patient with me and not annoyed for bringing it up yet AGAIN. You know, "THIS AGAIN??" Ha!

My boyfriend knows of my PTSD and rape. He doesn't know details or what I go through on a daily basis. He knows I acquired genital herpes from the rape and loves me regardless. He actually spent a year trying to get me into a relationship with him. A few weeks ago he was talking about sex and I asked him if he uses a condom because of my virus. He said yes, and I 100% respect that. I want to protect him as much as I can!

But it triggered me beyond belief. I haven't been able to come down from it. THREE WEEKS. I can usually find a way to let things pass, to calm down, to relax but for some reason, this time, I just can't. I am stressed and anxiety ridden and it's unbearable. I'm crying all the time, I can't sleep, I flinch at every noise, when someone touched me the other day it sent me into a spiral of hell.

I'm overthinking things in my relationship. We have just ONE issue I can't get past. I'm filled with rage and anger and I almost dumped him today. It's like I'm bringing things up knowing what will be a response and then I'm mad and can just keep being mad. He's so good to me and he loves me and he's the first one I've ever been in love with. I'm honestly just not patient enough. He's working two jobs and he's back in school for his Bachelor's and I'm typically supportive but like I said, I'm digging into reasons to be angry. Like I just have to push him away so I can be alone.

I want to tell him what I go through when I'm in this mental place. I want to tell him what I think, what I feel, what I need from him, where my mind goes. But I don't know if it's worth it. I don't want him thinking differently of me. I know he wouldn't but it's a fear.

In your opinion, should I? Or should I let it be for the time being and let things happen when they happen and he learns along the way? I'm PETRIFIED that once we live together, he'll see me like this. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want my problems to be his. It's not fair at all.

 

[Justmehere]

There may be other helpful posts out there, but it's ok to bring up an issue that's common, because in the end, its your unique story and experience and there is power in telling your own story and processing it through.

The one issue between you and him isn't actually totally clear to me other than it involves sex and that you are really symptomatic and mad now. Or maybe I just totally missed the one issue? (highly possible) Is it that he wants sex and you don't, or that it was hard to hear that we would use a condom to protect himself from getting the STD? Or just the prospect of sex with him? Or is it the bigger picture of not just the struggle with sex, but what PTSD is like for you when you are highly symptomatic and how scared you are of him knowing, really knowing just how hard it is? Or maybe all of those things?

All are really valid things to be struggling with. All of them are things that can change over time and get better and less scary over time and by working on processing through the original trauma and experiencing new healthy relationship.

Before, when someone wanted to have sex with you, they committed a felony against you, they hurt you, they traumatized you.

It makes sense that negotiating the sexual part of a relationship is going to get tough at times. It's going to take awhile to associate sex with safety, with feeling good in ways that are not scary. Its going to take while. But that does NOT make you a burden. At all. It makes you a brave survivor who is healing.

One place to start: identifying, to yourself, whenever you can, is it your boyfriend you are mad at? or is it the person who raped you? I know it sounds stupid, but purposefully identifying that some of my anger belongs directed at the perpetrator of trauma has helped shift my anger. Sometimes it may legitimately be your boyfriend. Sometimes the anger may actually be about the person who traumatized us, and it is just safer and/or easier to be mad at the person right in front of us. By purposefully identifying what anger should be directed where, it can shift the experience of the anger itself, and the experience of the relationship in the present moment.

All the anger and fury you are feeling, even bringing things up just to get mad at him, and the desire to push him away - to me, that's a warning sign to go slowly with disclosing more information right now. Not necessarily to not disclose info, but to go slow. Even if you were not meaning to, you may inadvertently do it in a way that does push him away, and then you will feel like "see, I really am damaged and it really is a reason that no one will accept me."

But the fact that you want to push him away isn't the only thing to pay attention here. I think that behind it all, what you may want is to be accepted and loved and cared about and to feel safe. If you can hold on to that desire, even just a little, and tell him out of that desire, then it could bring you closer together...which may trigger in and of itself, but maybe this time you both can navigate that together.

Keep in mind through all of this that your subconscious may be trying to work through the old trauma by pushing away someone that wants to have sex with you away, something you really wanted to do when the rape was happening.

It makes sense to tell him about what its like for you when you are symptomatic before he experiences it first hand, because then you and him might be able to preemptively figure out how to ride it out together a little better. It's very different to tell someone with the goal of figuring out how to handle something vs telling someone to "warn" them. The first one is actually generally more helpful to the other party's own process of figuring out if they can handle something or not.

Also keep in mind that it doesn't have to be so black and white. It doesn't have to be telling him very little, or telling him everything. Healthy attachment in dating relationships is built on getting to know people more and more over time. It could be that you tell him a little more about what this is all like for you, and test out the water, see if it is safe, let yourself experience that it is safe (if it is), and then tell him a little more. Then you again experience that it is safe, that he cares for you just the same, and then if you want to, tell him more. (By the way, that's basically how exposure therapy works to heal trauma, small doses increasing over time.)

You are not too much to be with. Maybe you are not quite fully ready in your recovery process to work through the kinds of things that are good to communicate about before having sex, but you can be accepted for you just as you are, and it's ok to take more time until you are more ready. This guy sounds like he is pretty into you, and willing to be patient and take things slow. (And if not, he wasn't worth it anyhow.)

Most of all, be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff. :hug:

 

[I'm at a loss]

It's my fault for not mentioning the issue: it isn't sex related. He moved into a new apartment and told me he would get a bigger place than planned so I could move in at some point. Long story short, he got a roommate instead. He swore it wouldn't affect our time together but it does. I'm not able to spend the night, not able to go over anytime unless his roommate is gone. It has been an ongoing issue since July. I have openly told him, CALMLY, that it hurts me.

He just won't resolve it. He refuses to do anything about it and won't tell me why.

I'm happy otherwise....but it eats at me that I'm ignored, shut away. I told him I feel like I'm not good enough for him to step up and all I get is "sorry I make you feel this way" and he goes dead silent. I'm not going to nag him, bring the issue up countless times, make a scene but it kills me.

I don't understand why his roommate is having this control of our relationship. I told him they are in the middle and it's going to end up ruining what we have and he just says it won't.

Just thinking about it brings a lot of anger within me. He's good to me aside this problem so it's a constant battle in my head to leave or stay. I was told by a friend to randomly stop by his house or give him an ultimatum but neither of those would fix things. I'd never do that.

Today was am emotionally driven one and I almost ended it when he called me just to talk. His ignoring me isn't okay. I feel disrespected. I'm hurt over it. Feels like I don't matter enough.

We talk daily, we communicate well otherwise. No arguing, no trust issues, he compliments me, but sometimes it's not enough to me because of this one problem. I'm at my wits end.

The night I was raped, I went to the ER, as taught, and the nurses did nothing. No kit, no help other than a private room with a blood pressure finger cuff. The sheriff that interviewed me called me a liar to my face, said girls like me are ashamed of booze induced sex and cry rape to justify their actions. The head of the emergency room board said stupid girls who make stupid choices like getting drunk with a man ask for it, if it "even happened."

I agree with what you said. Maybe it's internal anger at the people who wronged me that I'm directing aty boyfriend. But I am also so angry at him over our problem.

I often feel torn. Do I stay? Go? I sometimes wonder if our relationship is real. My head is in so many places I don't know which direction to go.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I forgot to log in with my reply. The guest reply was me, ha! Can you tell I was tired?

 

[Casey_03]

What is his reasoning for not allowing you over while the roommate is home? That seems very bizarre to me .... I think you have every right to be upset over it.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

What is his reasoning for not allowing you over while the roommate is home? That seems very bizarre to...

I don't know! That's part of the overall problem. When I don't think about the issue at hand, I'm fine. But once I start thinking about it, the anger in me builds up and I start panicking and have anxiety attacks. It's so absurd and ridiculous what it does to me.

I wish I were able to sit down and tell him that him doing this to me, that him not communicating with me about it, his ignoring me and my feelings is triggering a lot of other issues in me. I just don't know if it's worth it. Even right now, I'm so anxious and angry and I just want to stab myself. It's not all JUST because of him and the problem, but it's not helping other issues. It just keeps building.

 

[Casey_03]

From what you've described, he sounds great -- EXCEPT for the roommate thing. That, to me, is a huge red flag, and if he hasn't given you any explanation for it, there's something wrong here. I don't even think this has anything to do with your PTSD and trauma (except for the fact that his lack of communication with you is exacerbating your anxiety). In terms of the roommate situation, it sounds to me like the problem is entirely with him. If he has a valid reason for preventing you from coming over when the roommate is there, he should've told you what the reason was. You guys have been together long enough for him to be honest with you. Seems like you've been honest with him but he hasn't reciprocated. I also can't think of any plausible reason for you to not be allowed over when his roommate is there. Do you know who the roommate is? Has he ever even said anything about the whole situation?

 

[nay.elizabeth]

From what you've described, he sounds great -- EXCEPT for the roommate thing. That, to me, is a huge re...

Everything you've said is exactly what I've been dealing with since July; he's so great other than this. This is the ONLY thing going on and I just can't wrap my head around it. I've met the roommate three times. His roommate moved in two months earlier than anticipated and he never told me, it just happened. I don't like the roommate..I think they're rude but that's just the impressions I got. He's brought up me moving in once the roommate is kicked out and mentioned it would be nice once they're gone but I can't help but wonder if he's saying this to "calm me down" or if he means it. I'm just so....angry about it, my thoughts aren't right. He complains about his roommate and all I keep telling him is that he CHOSE to let them move in and to stop complaining to me about it because it was his decision.

If he let them move in to help financially, I'd understand. All I want is a reason why it matters if I'm there or not when they're home. That's all I've asked and I get nothing. I'm considering calling him today and just laying it out on the table and explaining what this is doing to me and my feelings. I love him but I also love me and my mental health needs to take precedence because it's not worth me going through this when I have enough on my plate. I've already told him I've thought about walking away and he told me he doesn't want to lose me. I can't mentally take this anymore. It isn't fair feeling so anxious and upset.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, that sounds weird....

I can understand having some limits around a roommates girlfriend or boyfriend staying over, but not being there at all, with no explanation at all, that is weird. It's especially confusing that he complains about his roommate to you but still doesn't explain this.

I agree with your instinct that showing up unannounced and just giving an ultimatum is not the best idea, it's a little boundary busting, but I would really want to know what the heck is going on.

Ultimatums are one thing, boundaries are another. This seems like a good circumstance to say you need him to be more open about why or you need xyz solution in order to stay in the relationship with him. It's ok to say you need that to make the relationship work.

Because so much else is going well, it may be worth one last time to sit down and explain how this affects you.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I'm going to give some time to pass when I'm in a more stable mindset before bringing it up. I don't know if he feels like he's letting me down, or that he knows he screwed up initially and can't fix it...like he's stuck in this situation and no matter what he says or does it isn't going to fix it so he just...shuts up. Ignores it. Avoids it. He's a Virgo and he always has to feel like he can fix things.

Men and women process problems differently. Women are talkers, problem solvers, analyzers, overthinkers. Men want to be able to fix the world and when they can't, forget about talking about it. I realize this isn't the case for EVERY man and woman, just a general observation.

Sometimes when I'm having PTSD episodes, I dig deep for reasons to be upset. Trying to find an explanation as to why I'm mad and when I can't find one, I rehash old problems. PTSD isn't LOGICAL and I desperately need LOGICAL. Relationships aren't logical, his reactions to me and his roommate isn't logical. There's no control. I need the control. When I can't have control, I again dig for reasons to be mad and need something to fix and work on.

Then the anger and rage starts to build more. The cycle is vicious. He's opening up more about his fears of his future and he's introducing me to a long-time friend next weekend, so there's steps ahead. Slow, but steps. I'm to the point where either we figure the roommate situation out, or we don't. I need to stop stressing about it because it isn't worth it. I trust him, I know he'd never deliberately hurt me, or cheat on me, or damage me. I knew him a year before we started a relationship. I know how he functions. I'm a worrier, an overthinker, an analyzer and it's really stupid.

 

[Justmehere]

You are doing a good job of thinking this through.

I need the control. When I can't have control, I again dig for reasons to be mad and need something to fix and work on.

The "need" for control and something to solve is what drives many addictions, eating disorders, and yes, even bought of anger. It's a way you are trying to be safe, to be ok, to not feel like you have to fight for what you need. I do it myself.

I think you have a legit reason to be upset with him. I also think it's time to look at what happens if you can't fix a problem. In the past, when you were enduring trauma, all control was taken from you. But now, you do have control.

Relationships involve a lot of things that are not in our control. All we can control is ourselves. Not even the relationship. Just ourselves and if and how we choose to be in relationship with another. The other person controls themselves.

Sometimes when I'm having PTSD episodes, I dig deep for reasons to be upset. Trying to find an explanation as to why I'm mad and when I can't find one, I rehash old problems. PTSD isn't LOGICAL and I desperately need LOGICAL. Relationships aren't logical, his reactions to me and his roommate isn't logical. There's no control. I need the control. When I can't have control, I again dig for reasons to be mad and need something to fix and work on.

If logic is the goal...

Women are talkers, problem solvers, analyzers, overthinkers.

I'm a worrier, an overthinker, an analyzer and it's really stupid.

...logic would indicate you believe all women are stupid. I know you likely do not think that at all.

Just like all women are not stupid, you are not stupid either.

As for this guy and this relationship, it seems like he is scared of going any faster in the relationship, and his fears suggest some trust issues on his part. Big trust issues that may come from his own past. On your end, it sounds like you don't trust him around his decisions with his roommate, which seem awfully reasonable.

So you have a choice to express what you need and see how it works out, or to let him go.

Staying in a relationship on the basis of hoping the other person will change is not usually a good idea. Usually both parties end up resenting each other.

Can you accept him for how he is? Oddly secretive about his apartment, slow in intimacy, and fearful of commitment?

It almost sounds like he acts a little helpless to fix problems, and that would annoy and frustrate me too, especially if those problems were hurtful to me. I think that you also need to remember that helpless is ok. You are helpless to fix him. Accept who he is, and make your choice of what you will do based on that.

:hug: I hope you find some peace and comfort today.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

After talking to him about it countless times before and getting nowhere, I finally decided to email him. I had previously brought it up in person 2-3 times, over text, and got nothing.

So, I emailed him everything I was feeling and how I think things need to be handled.

He texted me with an explanation: his roommate is rude and disrespectful and he doesn't want me around it.

I remember meeting the roommate the first two times and my first thoughts were: "This person is an asshole."

It took me being fussy and harsh and explaining every single feeling I had to get him to say it. I even told him, "THAT'S ALL I NEEDED!" His roommate really is pretty rude. My boyfriend is Ghanian and the roommate is white and has made racist comments to him. I know the only reason he's letting this person stay there is for help with rent.

I had a mild panic attack but I needed it, I need to learn how to cope with tough things. It's hard for someone like me to push through heavily emotional problems. I grew up with "deal with it, move on, stop dwelling." After everything I have been through in my life, it takes everything in me to be able to open up with confidence. He didn't scream at me, he didn't make me feel bad, he didn't break up with me over something so stupid. It took me being dramatic for him to say it but he at least said it.

I'm going to move on from it. Honestly, his roommate IS very disrespectful. Now I'm done discussing a non-PTSD issue.