Chat

[Aro]

I believe I know who this is based on the style of writing, topic, and the timing of the post.

If this is who I think it is, I can validate that they do come into chat, communicate, and the room does get quiet almost every single time.

It is not because people are ignoring them in an unhealthy way. It is because they have a pattern of coming into chat and requesting a need for help, people try to be supportive and gently encourage them to engage healthy behaviors, even to contact appropriate crisis services, offer practical advice on how to feel less ignored or overwhelmed, and they usually get pissed off and passive-aggressively lash out at everyone for the support and then the room does get quiet. It absolutely does. It's not because they are being ignored.

This very pattern did happen about 30 minutes to one hour before this post was made. The room got quiet after this person got angry and eventually stated an intent to hurt themselves because of feeling ignored offline and online. People still reached out to this person, who continue to protest that they are always ignored.

I happen to have other information that indicates who this person likely is. I won't share that because I respect they would like to be anonymous. If it is the person I am thinking of, they are right that it is not a coincidence that chat gets quiet when they come in.

They have a way of asking for support and then lashing out at that support that has made people leary of responding.

The rest my response is o anyone who this could be.

I sometimes engage chat. I do what I can to include everyone. I am absolutely sure I leave people out. Sometimes I have no idea how to respond to some things people say in chat. I'm not ignoring them, I'm attempting to not put my foot in my mouth. I have social anxiety and chat is a place where not everyone talks about things I have anything to say about.

Yes, chat probably is cliquey at times. Yes, people are not always the most responsive to everyone. It's a chat room for ptsd sufferers from all over the world. Often, half the room is there because they are trying to distract from really bad pain they are in, so they don't kill themselves. They can't always offer and be support for everyone in the room.

I have not seen anyone come into the room and say hello and based simply on saying hello, everyone runs from the room.

I have seen members in chat be lashed out at, and then they become hesitant to respond in the future when that person comes back. I have also seen people make social mistakes, and with humility, ask for support or feedback in chat. I have done this myself, and everyone has been really great. Not everyone responds, but some do and I really appreciate the feedback. Even when I don't agree with the feedback, regardless of it the on a forum thread or chat, I try to remember there is a struggling human being ok the other side of the computer screen and they are doing the best they can in that moment.

Think about it this way:

If someone says to me, "I self injured because you ignored me" - most people, even fellow sufferers of self injury like me, are going to feel more apprehensive about responding to someone who reaches out for help in that way. I would care a lot about the person and their pain, and I would be more likely to not respond to them in the future for fear I would trigger them and they couldn't manage it and would become self injurious.

If someone says to me, "I am feeling really ignored, can you help me figure out how to be better heard" and/or "I feel like this happens with you" and/or "I then struggle emotionally to the point of self injury and I want to not do that anymore" - then I am very likely to want to engage them and to feel less apprehensive about engaging them.

You do not express a desire to not self injure. You do express the fact that you self injured in a way where it comes across like you are almost trying to make the chat room responsible for your choice to cope with the pain to self injure. The people in chat are responsible for their actions, and they are not responsible for the choices you make to cope in unhealthy ways.

If people ignore you every time you engage a group, it is not always 100 percent that the group is an assholish clique. I think you know this, because you keep coming back to the group to ask for support again and again. It is a group of people who have and continue to try to support people, and who also have to take care of their own needs as fellow sufferers. If anyone in chat says heavy things, some people in chat will leave. That's ok. It means they have good self care. If someone comes in and attacks people and threatens or implies they are imminently going to harm themselves because of what people say in chat, or because some people ignore hem in chat, as happened shortly before this post, then yes, some people will not respond. It's not out of an intent to hurt someone else or ignore them.

It might be that you need to engage people differently, and if you don't know how, ask people for feedback and try out their ideas about how to engage people differently so that they are more likely to respond, not less likely.

Or if you are right and the group is 100 percent to blame and it's not a reflection of your behavior that is pushing people away, then maybe you shouldn't seek support and responsiveness from people you think are terrible people who are out to intentionally ignore you in unhealthy ways.

I hope you engage some healthy coping skills today and do not continue to self harm, no matter what anyone else does.


Sincerely,

A person who struggles with self injury too who cares deeply for you.

 

[Jofek]

Often, half the room is there because they are trying to distract from really bad pain they are in, so they don't kill themselves. They can't always offer and be support for everyone in the room.

There was so much in the above post that was so much on the money. ^^^^ This part right here, however I think needs underscoring.

In my experience people in chat generally do try to be as welcoming and as helpful as they can be. However, we are not counselors specifically here to help other people. We are here trying to help ourselves. Most of us don't say "I'm suicidial right now." First of all, it isn't a suicide hotline; and secondly that's an impossible pressure to put on other people who are also often in severe pain, just trying to find some distraction, connection, reason to keep on keeping on themselves.

It's a thing to remember when upset that other people are not doing what you want them to be doing for you; that everyone here is walking a hard road.

 

[Wubi]

I admit I joined in the sex chat every now and then but I can see how it would upset people. I haven't gone back on chat as I saw people arguing on it the other day and felt uncomfortable joining :meh:

 

[Goken]

I admit I joined in the sex chat every now and then but I can see how it would upset people...

Everything can upset some people. Pets are a frequent topic of conversation in chat, yet some people have watched pets be tortured to death, or their PTSD springs from watching their child mauled to death or they themselves being mauled, or are suffering the loss of a pet/companion, etc.

A lot of members on this site are rape victims/survivors, and are struggling to piece together a healthy sex life, or to understand some aspect of either their abuse or their sex life now. Should they be silenced because someone else either isn't there yet, or has never struggled? My opinion is no.

There is no such thing as a "safe" topic, in chat, or the forums. Not when we're dealing with PTSD. Everything is potentially seriously stressful or triggering.

 

[Riwes]

I think people should differentiate "sex chat" to what is actually discussed, being sexual issues / aspects, not porn type discussion or such. We do check the chat logs, as staff, and no such discussion takes place. If it did, those persons would be removed from chat.

The majority of this communities trauma type, is sexual based. So it makes sense that sexual topics do get discussed in chat.

This communities legal policy is also quite clear, in that this service is not a crisis line. Those who feel suicidal or such, should not be posting here in live chat, expecting help. People are not here to talk you down from the edge... they're here to be supported by peers who feel similarly and suffer PTSD symptoms similarly. Those who attempt to use this community like a crisis help line, have the wrong idea about this community.

This type of crisis attitude is why a person often won't be well supported in chat.

Like many have discussed previously here, with excellent comments, people in chat are often distracting themselves in conversation here as a healthy way of dealing with their symptoms.

Entering chat here in crisis, is a near guarantee that you will be avoided, and then continually avoided. If in crisis, call a local crisis support line. This community is about peer support, not a crisis help centre.

Outside of the above, does chat get group dominant? Yes... because those people who chat amongst themselves have a foundational relationship. They know who they're chatting with, more often than not, versus some random stranger.

My suggestions to anyone wanting to use live chat:

1. If in crisis, don't do it -- you will cause yourself more harm than good.
2. Ease your way into chat, into knowing members, without expectation.
3. Everyone here is not your friend or acquaintance. Relationships take time to build and require trust.
4. Being anonymous online has positives and negatives. Trust must be earned as a result.
5. Live chat is not for everyone. Again, this is not a live chat run by professionals or such, but a peer support community.

 

[Jome]

I'm the original poster of thus forum - - stating now in case there is a name change.

I know mostly everyone above is trying to be helpful and I really do appreciate it. Some even agree with my first post and I appreciate that very much as well. There are still the original attacks those in and of these comments themselves however. I'm not a dumb person and I know nobody has called me such. I can tell how words are being told without any verbal cues. I can see the attacks as I read them. If I think one was hurtful, I read it again and in a different mindset to make sure I'm not just over thinking it and putting it in my head. I don't even know why I started this thread. I thought I woul d feel safe and OK enough to post without any repercussions but I am again in the wrong
Thanks anyone anyways.

To the people who have claimed they know me - why not just message me directly and discuss it then? I know there have been a few commenters who say I need to apologize and if you were there, you would know that would be admitting fault for something I didn't do.

I'm done. I've never been in crisis when entering the chat. Yes, I've been shaken ed up, scared, nervous, and panicky but never server enough where I would "unleash" on other members. Nor have I ever claimed I would self harm from someone on a chat. Seriously now.

 

[Aze]

I think you should accept that comments are not always going to support you, as that is what opinions are. Everyone has one, and they may not align with yours. Your attitude of "I'm done" only reaffirms that you want people to agree with you only, which is unrealistic. Take what works for you, discard the rest, and move onwards. That is how online works. Read everything, discard what you don't agree with, keep going forward.

Others opinions are just that -- their opinion. You will get diverse opinions. If you think an opinion is helpful, use it. If not, forget about it. Online communities are that simple.

 

[Tuvuj]

I don't understand, if isn't you, then it isn't you.

The person who said they had believed to know who you are. If that isn't you, then they were mistaken. You don't need to adopt someone else's shit.

This is the anonymous forum. Sure, sometimes you can have a pretty good idea at who someone may be. But far as I'm aware, only staff can actually see who's who.

You asked for opinions, you got some. If not you, then maybe the person inadvertently "guessed upon" may read this and get some good from it. Whomever that may be.

Or if chat just isn't for you, that's fine too. Doesn't make you bad, nor should you be ashamed. It is just the way life is. Not everyone gets along with everyone. Don't know what else to say really.

 

[Ito]

Live chat is not for everyone, especially if you're highly symptomatic or have low self esteem / self worth, you will misread too much and become more frustrated and symptomatic.

This was advice given to someone in the Help Desk, about a month ago. I'm sharing it on this thread because I think it's relevant. Important to remember, that when we are already 'primed', activated, upset - symptoms will be high and it's important to turn to coping mechanisms that will bring you back to more level ground. Chat can be a great mechanism for distraction, as a coping device. I don't think it's ever successful when someone is in too upset a place to be able to filter, or laugh at themselves, or change their mind.

We all want relief from our pain, when it is strong. Know what you can do for yourself to manage really bad feelings; make sure those are things that you can count on yourself for, not things that depend on the randomness of a chat room.

 

[Ralu]

I am very new here and I did go into chat a few times but I only said hello once. The room did seem to get quiet and I thought maybe there was something being discussed and an unknown person being in the room made the discussion uncomfortable. I'm not sure how the chat room works here. Is it a place to discuss problems with symptoms and get feedback? Is it a just for social topics and keeping it light? I am not totally unfamiliar with chat rooms but they all have their rules specific to that room. Also, is the chat room only for those signed up to the forum? Any information on how I could start to get a little more social on here would be appreciated.

 

[Bonij]

Don't know if this will help or not.. I am new here also. At first I was very welcomed.. second time, crickets, then I went back again and we had fun. I was included.. I usually try and read first and see what is going on. If is is someone trying to encourage someone I just stay quite, but do read, something may be said that will help me....Just keep trying.... hard for us to not take it personal, but I don't feel it is ever intended that way.....there are very friendly and fun people on chat.... and go there to laugh and see what is going on...a diversion... hope you try again.... I am sure it is nothing personal..... hope you continue and make new friends.

 

[Obed]

Come to chat! You can share about symptoms. That's totally welcome. Keep in mind that it's not a crisis chat or a therapy group, but a place of peer support and social connection.

I would caution coming to chat with the goal of getting feedback on a specific issue. You will likely be disappointed often. I have done that from time to time, and sometimes there is feedback and sometimes not. It's hit or miss.

Chat is best when you come with the goal to connect with others, and not so much with a goal of discussing a specific topic.

These are some of the topics I have seen discussed in chat: weather (more on that later), favorite foods, least favorite foods, politics, spiritual / religious struggles, symptoms people are experiencing in the moment, romantic relationships (and yes, sexual matters fits in there too), what folks are planning on doing for the weekend, venting about family or abusers or the government or therapist or any other topic, expressing feelings about trauma, healthy skills that are helping members cope (and sometimes unhealthy ways of coping), music, stupid things co-workers are doing (sometimes people chat while at work or on break), technology....

And occasionally there are imaginary fights with vegetables and other various food items.

It is sometimes serious and sometimes not.

If feedback is specifically what you are looking for, then posting a thread in the forums is the best place to get good feedback because then your thread up is longer for more people to read and take time to reepond to.

In chat if you mention symptoms maybe some will respond and maybe some won't... and sometimes, just because no one happens to be around in that moment that has something to say about the subject, people may not respond at all.

Think about chat like and actual in person gathering with other sufferers. Say hello and keep in mind that if the room gets quiet, and you only said hello, is very likely not you or some private conversation being had between others about you.

If you do come say hello and you think the room got quiet because of you, you could reach out and check if that interpretation is correct - ask folks in the chat. Don't think their thoughts for them and assume it's about you. People do ask if the room got quiet because of them on chat from time to time. If folks say it's not you, try to take people at their word.

One common thing I have noticed that people do that can be a fun way to "break the ice" (an American term used for all kinds of social gatherings that refers to the initial process of getting more comfortable with each other) is to ask what the weather is like where people live. For an international forum, this gets interesting quickly!