Do You Tell Him Everything?

[Aerostarr]

I am recently in a new relationship for the first time in a couple years and I don't know how to tell him that I have Ptsd.
We've only been together for about a month but due to work for both of us the relationship is long distance for the time being.
We still spend a lot of time talking every day, but I feel like this is something I need to talk to him about face to face and not over the phone.
He knows a bit about the physical abuse from my previous relationship but I am terrified of telling him everything.
I'm flying out to spend a week with him in 2 days and I don't know what to do.
Should I talk to him about all of this while I'm there and if so do I bring it up right away or wait until the end of the week? How much do I tell him? Do I bring it all up at once or slowly over time?
I know that if he leaves when I tell him then he wasn't the type of guy I needed but I'm scared of being rejected yet again because of something I can't control.
I just honestly don't know what to do.

 

[Kefira]

I've been rejected enough times (or found a partner to be a woefully poor fit over trauma related issues) after becoming invested in a relationship. So my personal approach is to litmus test early on by bringing things up in conversation and watching for reactions that will give me a good idea whether to just run. If things start to look at all serious I have a full disclosure discussion and encourage the potential partner to do research. I provide resources and try to get a discussion going.

Because really even if I'm doing well right then, it will come up and be an issue eventually. I would rather be brutally honest and upfront from the beginning. It's not pleasant but there's also never a good time. Either you're too forthcoming too early or things do get serious and go well and then you're ten years in and they're offended you never told them.

I think everyone has their own comfort level on this. I just found that trying to disclose organically over time wasn't working for me.

 

[Aerostarr]

Either you're too forthcoming too early or things do get serious and go well and then you're ten years in and they're offended you never told them.

The former is what I've dealt with a lot in the last couple years of "dating", bringing it up early and having them run away as fast as they can.
I want to be honest about it right away because I don't want to put a lot of time and effort into a relationship just to have them end it when they finally find out.
But how do you bring it up? Do I ease into the conversation or do I just sit him down and say "Look, this is what I have to deal with, this is what I go through every day. Some days I'm good, some days I'm beyond broken."?

 

[Kefira]

I think it depends on you. I normally say something cheeky like "so there's a requisite conversation before you take me out on a real date" followed by "really, no, we need to talk about some shit". I'm not very socially skilled, but it just seems to me there's never going to be a good time to talk about it, a lot of people can't handle it, and by my way of thinking it's better to just put it on the table so I'm not wasting my time.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I never told my husband all of my story. Just one assault that I was strangled. So my phobias I just let him think we're related to that. Still the marriage failed due to his alcoholism. He hates me.

I've only had one other relationship post divorce. I was right up front with him about my lifetime of severe traumas. His reply was that every woman he's dated has had issues. Over time he revealed himself to be super abusive and he knew how to trigger me to the point of feeling suicidal. It was horrible trying to get rid of him. Finally I had to have the police get him out. After that he cut my phone line twice and stalked me.

I'm off men for awhile. His true abusive personality would have surfaced eventually, but he enjoyed sending me into flashbacks. And believe me, he was very charming and doting on me for the first year. Really knocked me out.

 

[scout86]

I should probably start by saying there's a lot of stuff I just don't talk about and have never told anyone. And I'm not planning on changing that any time soon.

But, in a relationship, there are some practical considerations. There are a few pretty specific things that are guaranteed to provoke unfortunate reactions and I feel kind of obligated to warn a guy that "If you do this, I'm going to do something unpredictably hostile" and assure him that I'm 100% serious. Also that if I ever say "stop" that's non-negotiable and I won't be responsible for anything that might happen if he chooses to ignore that. If that freaks him out, or he doesn't take me seriously? Well, that's good to know!

Now I MIGHT, at some point down the road, when I'm darn sure the guy's trustworthy, share more details. And, now that I've got an official diagnosis, that might be part of the "there's a few things you need to know" conversation. But, personally, I don't think I OWE anyone more information than that. I was raised to believe that anything you say can and will be used against you, so I'm pretty careful what I say and who I say it to.

JMO, but a month isn't, usually, long enough to REALLY get to know someone. Oh, there's the rare "soul mate" thing, sure, but, usually, I figure you don't really get to know someone until you've dealt with at least one disaster together. People show their true colors when the chips are down and I'm not going to put too much faith in anyone until I've seen a bit of that. (But it's been suggested that I might have trust issues. I could be being unreasonable, I suppose.)

 

[Milo's papa]

I am recently in a new relationship for the first time in a couple years and I don't know how to tell...

Aerostarr,
To start this reply, I want to tell you that I have been married for 33 years. My wife was diagnosed with CPTSD 7 years ago, all stemming from abuse that she had to endure as a child into her early 20's, (ending just before I met her). All of this was buried deep in the back of her mind and she was unaware that most of it even took place. Then a family tragedy caused the walls she had built up to protect herself from these traumatic events all crashed down and left her completely broken.

Over these past 7 years she has recovered most of these horrific memories. She has shared some of them with me, not the minute details just the outlines. She had from time to time displayed some very hostile reactions to relatively minor events, but I just let them go.

I'm not some sort of saint or anything. I had a very abusive childhood also, Nothing like hers, but bad enough that I knew not to push her. It also helped that her T set me up with a colleague that he was consulting with so that I could get help processing what I was being told.

As for how to tell your partner that you have PTSD, I think that the sooner you do it the better. You don't have disclose any more of the details than you would to anyone else. Just let this person know that there has been things that have happened to you that cause strong, (and sometime negative reactions) from you. Be honest about it, and tell them only what you are comfortable telling them. When the questions start coming,(and they will come) let them know up front that there are things you will not talk about now and some things you may never talk about. You can let them know that you are not trying to hide anything from them, it's just some things are to personal or painful to tell them.
If this they start to distance themself from you, that is a clear sign that they are not in the right place personally to deal with someone that has a past like yours. I have seem it with many of my wife's "friends". Once they found out that she was not the person they thought she was, they disappeared like fog in the sunshine, or like one of her best friends, just doesn't want to know anything about it.

You can't change peoples perceptions, all you can do is give them a little information and see how they handle it. If they are ok with what you give them and don't pull away or start treating you any different, then you can decide if you want to let them in a little further. Just remember, you control the narrative and only have to tell them as much, (or little) as you want.

I hope this helps you. Best of luck.

 

[shimmerz]

During the initial part of my PTSD rekindling (10 years ago), I had no choice but to share what was going on with me. I was fainting, going comatose, really bizarre behaviour that I couldn't just pass off as idiosyncratic. I spoke to the T-doc who officially diagnosed me about what to disclose and what not to. He warned me that any type of disclosure would lead people to treat me 'differently'. Less mentally capable, whether I was capable or not, dismissively, condescendingly. And that was exactly what happened.

Now I am in a position where I don't need to disclose. And I am not. Under no circumstances am I disclosing. Because this is personal. And dangerous, as I have found, if I disclose to someone who is a person who takes advantage of others. My spouse knows, you guys on the board know, my family knows (and I have had to ditch them because of how they treat me because of my PTSD). That's it. That's all.

And THAT will never change. IMHO, if the person you are dating proves to you somewhere along the line that he would rather DIE than hurt you - then I would disclose. As Scout suggests, set your limits and make them limits because you are you NOT because you have PTSD.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Just want to thank everyone for sharing.

I felt like I was alone in this.

 

[Friday]

I was diagnosed in the late 90s, but I didn't know what it meant until roughly a year ago. All my symptoms & my history were simply "me". They were part of what the people I was dating got to know about me. If we had shared history, then, yes. Sometimes we talked trauma stuff. Usually in bed. Some of the horrible memories that leave you shaking, and some of the hilarious memories that leave you laughing until you cry. If we didn't have shared history? I hadn't fought with them, or worked with them? Or we hadn't had parallel jobs in different conflicts? Then, no. I didn't talk about anything with them. The whole process was fairly organic.

My exHusband was one of the ones I had no shared history with. Which means I told him jack. In his case, that turned out to be a wise decision (he's my ex for a reason. If I'd told him? He wouldn't have run. He'd have gleefully used it against me. Everything he could he used against me. Abusive SOB. For true, very good reason he's my ex!).

Something I've learned over the intervening years? While marrying someone that let's me hide the rawest parts of myself dovetailed very neatly into what I was trying to do at the time (run as far away from my past as possible), it's not what I want out of life. It's also not what I want out of marriage. Full on partner in crime, or it's not worth it.

Now? Now I know my PSTD symptoms aren't just "me", the way I thought they were for 15 some odd years. But they are still a part of me. When to tell someone? I don't know. I suspect the answer is different with everyone.

 

[scout86]

Full on partner in crime, or it's not worth it.

Good point! And I'd add that the one person I was involved with that knew the most ASKED. He noticed that there were a few quirks in my personality, wondered about it, put a few things together and he asked. Now that I think about it, maybe a good criteria is that the "right" person cares about you enough to both notice and ask. (And then DOESN'T use it against you.)

 

[Milo's papa]

I am recently in a new relationship for the first time in a couple years and I don't know how to tell...

Aeroarr, I was just wondering how things went with your visit. I hope things didn't change for the worse. I know how hard it is to expose yourself to anyone, much less someone you are just starting a relationship with.
I would really like to hear how things went and how they stand at this point in time. I really hope that all is well and that you are happy. We all deserve to be happy and in a good and healthy relationship.