My Therapist Is Leaving :( I'm Not Okay

[FindingMyself88]

So today marks 2 years since my last "trauma"- when I was raped. Weeks ahead of time we scheduled so I could see my T this morning to help me deal with things. Instead- it just made this day way worse.

My T said she wanted to tell me this so bad last week but her boss had not given her the go ahead yet. She really hated to tell me on today. She is leaving and starting her own practice. I don't have insurance and where I've been seeing her is a non profit so basically I won't be able to afford her.

She originally did not think this would happen until after January so her plan was to get me through the holidays which are rough for me and then give me a 6 week notice to help me transition. Instead I have two more weeks with her because something has happened that she couldn't say what. I think I am still in shock.

Two weeks. That's it. During the roughest time of year for me. I have to start all over with someone new. Thankfully there is someone else in the organization who is a trauma therapist and my therapist thinks it will be a really good match. But still- I've done so much work with my T and she knows things I've never told anyone else. She was the first person I told about my rape- I didn't even tell my old T before her when it happened.

I was prepared to end things once I move to Colorado which will be whenever I get on disability. Who knows how long that will be. But now is so sudden.

I've only cried 3 times in her office counting today. The new T will join us for part of the time next week and the full time the week after.

I've cried on and off all day. Right now I'm also having trouble even believing this is real. Like part of me thinks I will wake up in the morning and this will be some sick nightmare.

I know I'm not the first to loose my therapist. But I truly feel like I'm grieving :(.

 

[fuzzypenguin]

Maybe you two can still communicate via email or call her some time. I know the feeling of opening up to someone it it being hard then having to change therapists. Something similar happened to me. I hope all goes well for you and I hope you two can still talk

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is, and you do need to grieve. I really feel for you. I've had two therapists retire on me and then had to start with someone new. It's always hard, but it is important to get started with someone new. It sounds good that the new therapist will be part of the transition. I've never had that happen, so I think that's a plus. Good luck and try to take extra good care of yourself right now.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You are allowed to grief. It is a loss and it's a huge one in this world of PTSD. I wonder if there is anything you can do to provide closure for yourself with your therapist or for your therapist. When I left the inpatient program I was at for 3 months, I wrote my therapist there a poem that expressed the journey. Someone else there put together a gift of sorts from each part (dissociative identity disorder) representing something they had worked on. I know the new therapist will be different, but I hope it will be a smooth (as can be in such circumstances) transition.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I like the idea of giving her a gift. I do know my service dog in training typically doesn't go with me to our sessions but I'm gonna ask that he be allowed to come to our last one. One because I will really need him when I leave but also I have this REALLY strong desire for her to meet him. Honestly he's the only way I got through yesterday.

I'm trying to think of something that would represent our time together. Like something she could hang up in her office or something.

 

[greenleaf]

I'm trying to think of something that would represent our time together. Like something she could hang up in her office or something.

I like this idea a lot, it feels like a very good thing to do -- it's a very positive connection. I might also put a tiny bit of your service dog's hair on the gift, but I'm weird. (Cat hair seems to end up everywhere where I've been...)

This is a very hard time, please do your best to be good to yourself. I've had to switch, one T moved/retired from the field; another was very ill. But, I've also been working on my trauma onion for decades. :rolleyes::(

On the plus side, my new T has far more helpful skills; the field of treating childhood trauma survivors has made enormous strides since 1990 (eek) and not every prior T for me had been keeping up with the field... I think that experiencing several Ts has also helped in that it's several quite trustworthy -- even if not perfect -- people in the world for my reptile brain to have noted...

Many hugs if you would like, and I do hope you can take your service dog! :hug: Looking forward to hearing your impressions of the new T, also.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @greenleaf i am trying to look at the positives. This new T is trained in TF-CBT which my therapist feels like is the next step for me.

Lol, anything that sits in my car or bedroom for more than a second has Kaz hair on it because he's a Golden Retriever and sheds a LOT!

I think I've found the perfect gift. It's a canvas painted with a Brene Brown quote. My therapist got me to reading Brene's books and this particular quote is one she has said to me many times. The painter is going to try her best to have it done before our last session.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I feel like one this has meaning of the work we've done in the last year and a half (feels so much longer) but also is a good quote for her new clients to read.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear that you're in this situation @FindingMyself88 - it's been a big shock and will require some adjustment, so take some time to be however you need to be at the moment to grieve for what is lost and to ease the transition to what awaits (hopefully a new therapist who you will connect with and get lots out of working with!)

I think your gift is very thoughtful - personal to you and the work you've done together with this therapist but also, as you say, an inspiring quote for her other clients to read, reflect on and enjoy. I'm sure she'll love it!

 

[FindingMyself88]

I'm still not handling this well. I just randomly start crying when I think of things we were suppose to cover in therapy lately. I also had to call her because she said if she hadn't called me by today to confirm the time of our appointment next week to do so. It went to voicemail and I cried just hearing her voice.

I did not think it would be this hard.

I'm also struggling with emotions coming up about my traumaversary and I panic at the thought of having to share this with the new T.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @FindingMyself88 - oh my heart breaks for you. I hope you keep reaching out for support and help.

When my therapist said we were ending, I thought it would DESTROY me. The pain was tremendous, and it was at the worst possible time. It was very hard to think anything would be ok.

It's been 6 months since then. The first few weeks were not easy, and every now and then, the grief still comes back at times. But, I can solidly say though that I'm doing ok now with my new therapist, and I am sharing things with her and going even deeper than what I was working on with my old therapist. I never even dreamed of getting this far with my old therapist.

The last couple of sessions with my therapist where ridiculously painful. It was like every cell of my body hurt. I nearly committed suicide to escape the pain. (Not to get her back, I didn't tell anyone but an anonymous crisis chat service at the time.) Just hearing her voice would made my body shiver and... ugh it was hard.

Despite the depth of pain I felt, I can tell you, it does get better. It does. You have done very good work with her, and that work is not lost. Absolutely not. You will carry the good work you have done with her with you. It will launch you into your next season of healing.

Let yourself grieve, and please keep reaching out whenever you need. I'm so very sorry this happened. It's awful, just awful. Try to hold on to the truth that your recovery and healing is not lost, but that you will be able to continue the work, and may even be able to go deeper. It doesn't make any of this a good thing, but I hope it gives you some hope as you endure the waves of grief. :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Justmehere for sharing, it really means a lot. I'm so sorry you've dealt with this too. When I left my last T to start seeing this T after my suicide attempt it was not this hard even though I'd been seeing her for longer. But that therapist was one that didn't truly seem to care like this T.

I was fully prepared to loose my T in a year or so from now whenever I finally get disability and move to Colorado. But we were working on getting me ready for that moment and she was going to help me find a good T out there.

I know this new T will bring some new tools to the table, but it's not the same. My T has proven she cares time and time again. Even when I've told her some really embarrassing things that I thought for sure she would be sick of me. Or when I even made a mistake and crossed a boundary. I thought for sure she would leave me but she didn't. She genuinely understood me.

She tells me any good trauma therapist should be able to and should care, but that's hard to believe. It's the small things she did that meant the most. Like taking a walk together after EMDR and not thinking me weird when I literally flinched into her side when a homeless guy walked past. Or buying some essential oils and keeping them ready to help me with dissociation. Or giving me rocks. The way she was able to make sense of even my abstract paintings. She could find meaning in the way I sat. She also could help me laugh at myself- which has never happened before.

It's not like a friendship where you move away but can still be friends. She said if I was ever ready to do EMDR again before I move she would work something out with me, but that most likely won't happen.

It's scary going into the holiday season which is incredibly hard for me with a stranger that's suppose to help me. I was counting on having my T through this season. Even she said she had not expected it to be this soon and had planned to see me through the holidays.

Part of me even 4 days later still wakes up and thinks that this is just some sick nightmare and that when I see her next week this will all be a lie.