Poll Do You Have A Fear Of Abandonment?

[Justmehere]

I used to have a fear of abandonment. It went away, and it has recently come back. Sometimes I don't fear abandonment, I just expect it, and frankly, it's easier. But for a long time, I didn't have the fear anymore, or the expectation, that those I am close to or rely on would suddenly and abruptly abandon me.

 

[J_trustno1]

Yup! I do JMH. As a result of that fear I try my best not getting close to anyone and I abstain myself from all the relationships so that I don't get hurt :(. It has a lot to do with my childhood and so called relationships in the past.

 

[Lionheart]

I have been abandoned physically, emotionally and betrayed in many ways so that I do have abandonment fears...but I can usually keep them in check by taking each situation individually, as not everyone is going to abandon me..

 

[Rumors]

It is just something I expect...eventually. I usually check out before they can anyway.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

It isn't so much a fear, more an expectation that becomes a foregone conclusion to the point that I can almost sense when its about to happen.

But it doesn't scare me, it just annoys me, then I just get on with life without that person. Then I never allow them back into my life.

 

[illusionist]

I don't fear abandonment in the normal sense....someone leaving me, and moving on in their life I can handle. The fear of death of a loved one is really hard for me to control though.

 

[J_trustno1]

It is just something I expect...eventually. I usually check out before they can anyway.

Omg!! Yes!! I leave before they leave because I already know the expected results so I make it happen before they push me away. It's usually the other person that starts ignoring me and then I take the last step from further hurt! I just hate humans! I'd rather have a DOG or a Cat than have humans around me!

 

[sun seeker]

It went away, and it has recently come back.

Do you know what made it go away when it did? (Sorry it has come back.)

Yes... this is a huge problem for me.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you know what made it go away when it did?

It first went away for awhile just because I started expecting it to happen all over the place, and I would be surprised when it didn't happen. It's almost like being numb to the fear.

Then it went away for real. I think I started to experience, really experience, that someone could stay in my life on a steady basis, and know the worst there was to know about me, and still stay. I think I started to have "earned secure attachment" - that's what my old therapist said. Not fearing abandonment helped me be different in relationships too, and that helped reinforce the new reality, instead of the fear...but it didn't last. It's back now. My therapist now says it can go away again. I hope she is right.

I'm sorry you struggle with it too. I hope it gets better for you too.

 

[sun seeker]

I think I started to experience, really experience, that someone could stay in my life on a steady basis, and know the worst there was to know about me, and still stay.

Can I ask how long it took for you to be able to trust that?

I'm sorry you struggle with it too. I hope it gets better for you too.

Thank you. It can't be too soon.

 

[Justmehere]

Can I ask how long it took for you to be able to trust that?

I think it took a few years working with a good solid therapist before I made any ground. I am really really very slow at trust. I worked on not distrusting (which is different than trust) at first.... that took awhile. Years. I'm really slow. That therapist moved away and I worked with a second therapist.

With her, I worked on trusting. It helped when I made it something that I was deliberately working on every darn week. After 6 months to a year working with my second therapist, it got easier and better. After a year and a half, the unexpected happened and I had to suddenly switch to a new therapist. That set me back. The new therapist is just as good, but it's tough. It was still so worth it to try.

Now I'm processing the trauma around where this fear comes from, and it's like I fear anyone leaving at all. In any way.

I'm really slow at trust...

 

[sun seeker]

With her, I worked on trusting. It helped when I made it something that I was deliberately working on every darn week.

It's interesting you say this, because the advice most people give is to work on other stuff and the trust will work itself out sort of as a byproduct. (Or to be exact, it's attachment I have heard will work itself out... but I think they go hand in hand.)

I think I need to address it as a separate issue too, though. Because it's really my biggest problem. It would feel sort of beside the point to work on other stuff with this huge blinder right in front of me, you know?

Now I'm processing the trauma around where this fear comes from, and it's like I fear anyone leaving at all.

I don't know how this is for you, but I get very muddled because I don't consciously remember where the root of the problem is. Every time abandonment happens it feels extremely traumatic, but at the same time I realize that my reaction is way out of proportion to the stimulus and that there has to be very early trauma that is being triggered. All the symptoms are there but the lack of exact memory is very confusing.

I deeply sympathize with what you are going through. Fear of abandonment is so very painful.