Childhood My Parents Think I Have False Memories.

[Catlovers141]

I have always thought that I was sexually abused, but never had any memory of it. Two years ago I brought it up to my therapist and we have been working on it, including some flashbacks, images, etc. that I have always had but was not sure if they pointed to sexual abuse. I'm now fairly sure that it happened and I think I know who abused me, and I told my parents this and they don't believe me. They think I am having false memories, or that I dreamed it and now think that it is real.

I had a conversation with my father where I told him this was hurtful, as they are going to such lengths to protect the person I think abused me, and are assuming that I cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality when I have never had that issue before. He acknowledged that he can see how it could be hurtful (which is more than I thought he would do), but he said he doesn't know what he wants me to do because it makes no sense that I was abused.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel so hurt. My abuser is winning. He took away so much from me, and now he's taking my parents too.

Anyone else relate, or can point me in the direction of books or anything that I might relate to?

 

[Friday]

From the other side... My son has false memories. As a parent, that's just something you get used to kids doing; they remember things differently.

From the minor & super common; "I have NEVER liked Mac'n'cheese" ...when it was, no lie, their favorite thing for years. (Not a misunderstanding, but the food they would dance around all happy pants about, and huge glowing grins, and would trade for other people's... No doubt in anyone's mind this kid? Looooooves mac'n'cheese!). Then one day they don't like it anymore, and the next? Have "always" hated it. Ummmm.

To middling (my kid "remembers" his dad being around a lot. He wasn't. We talked about his dad "You dad would be so proud of you!", etc., A lot, but he was virtually never there. Actual math: less than 30 days in 9 years). But in my son's mind? His dad was there. He "remembers" him being proud of him at a soccer game (my ex never came to even one soccer game). He remembers every other detail of the game exactly, can even pick out the right photos (I'm a camera nut, have photos of everything) for the game he's talking about... But his mind has somehow added his father to that game. His dad was in Italy during that game. But, again, theKiddo isn't just mixing up which game. His dad never attended one. Not one. People talked about his dad, but his dad was never there. There's all sorts of similar things in his memories like that).

To major. Talking big trauma. Both things that they alter over time themselves, or things that other people have deliberately altered (for good or ill, changing the narrative). There are times my son has hid in the closet and made recordings of stuff... That later? No. He swears up & down *what he recorded*? That never happened. And then his brain melts when he finds the recording. Or... It happened completely differently. Or...there were other people involved, than who were actually involved.

So as a parent? Taking virtually anything kids "remember" with a rather large grain of salt is something you do... Their whole lives. A similarly large grain of salt with anything they're talking about in general in present time. ((There's a great teacher meme: If you promise to believe only half of the things your child says happen here, I will promise to believe only half the things your child says happen at home!)). Kids minds are these miraculous, amazing, wonderful things... That just don't adhere to reality all that well... For many, many years. It's not that they're lying, or being deceitful. It's just that a child's mind is a wonderland.

... As an adult who was a child... I can remember all the way back to 2 years old pretty vividly which is fairly rare. In our culture most memories tend to start around age 5. Point being, though. Most of my memories? Total verification. Yep. That was real, that happened. About 1/3? Total child's mind! False memories, misunderstandings, magical realism, all kinds of "It did TOO happen!" (And my mom breaking out the video camera to show me the event that I'm talking about....and...oh. Damn. I guess I was wrong... As well as AHA! See??? I Was Right! <insert happy gloating dance of justification>. But I'm wrong -dammit- far more often than I get to do the "I told you so dance".) ...Also some things all of us kids swear was real, which my parents are like, Um. No. & no proof on either side. That are ongoing family debates.

So parents challenging (or outright dismissing) childhood memories? That's something all parents do from about the age of "can speak" onward. Whether it's macaroni or murder levels of "No honey. Love ya, but that's not the way it happened." For most parents (aka good parents) it is absolutely no reflection on how much they like/love/respect YOU. It's "just" something they've been doing your entire life.

 

[watundah]

Of course it makes no sense. It absolutely never makes any sense to be abused in any way. I believe your parents opt to be in denial versus take responsibility, else they must admit to failing to protect you. Of course, you can have the best parents in the world but still the freak next door can reach you. It's good that you're in therapy and can find support and validation there. There are also some websites with forums specific to childhood sexual abuse that are loaded with info. I hope you find comfort.

 

[shimmerz]

Hoult vs. Hoult (Remembering Dangerously is the book). A really interesting story of how a family was divided on traumatic amnesia. Both sides (parents and daughter) creating a foundation of opposing views on the 'false memory' or 'recovered memory' issue.

I have had some recovered memories. Lots of them. They were, thankfully, documented by the Children's Aid when I was 0-2 years old. And my memories were pretty spot on. I also had body memories to go along with them. I don't know that one can fake body memories. So it is my personal opinion that if somatics match the memories (somatics usually come out first), and you have a good trauma therapist, it can be all put together.

That being said, my children have 'memories' of things because their father and his wife have had an agenda for the past 20 years. It is so disturbing. Way back when my kids were very young, they came home after a visit with their father. Some mother had deposited her children into a lake in her car and the children had died. My children came home that weekend repeating over and over again that 'Mother's with boyfriends do that'. They had nightmares for years about it. Someone had made the connection for them that Mother's with boyfriends kill their children. So incredibly damaging. There were so many other things.... and it has worked swimmingly.

With children, especially when they are traumatically bonded, (adults too for that matter), can come up with all sorts of adaptive 'memories' in order to survive.

So yes, I do believe that false memories are possible. Very. However, they usually don't just 'pop up' out of nowhere. They are seeds that are planted in a person's brain and nurtured through abuse, trauma, and repeated reinforcement.

Stay strong.

 

[kona355]

@watundah - "I believe your parents opt to be in denial versus take responsibility, else they must admit to failing to protect you." - Exactly.

@Link Removed - You always know just what to say, and say it well. Thanks -

 

[Ronin]

One thing I learned where reality was uncertain: You're not making up the scope of whatever it is you felt.

You need to work with that scope, regardless of where the reason for it lies. You need to heal from it. Move from it. Move with it. Find how to live with it. How to still find joy despite everything hurting. All that schtuff that makes trauma so much fuun.

And: You're healing. Your abuser isn't winning. Whatever they did, bet they wouldn't expect you do something like this: moving forward.

 

[bluebird]

When I told my mom her uncle abused me when I was little, she told me "it couldn't have happened often". Well, it did. And because of what she said, each new memory felt like I was letting her down. I knew she didn't mean to hurt me. She was scared and felt guilty for not protecting me. But these words were not a good choice.

I have recovered memories since then. Even today, I have recovered one memory from the age of seventeen - and I know 100% this happened, but I repressed it, yesterday, I didn't know anything about that. I have also created some - not memories, but rather images of fear and pain - but I have always known my imagination from the truth. In the end, it did not matter. I was hurt in many ways. And I was scared of being hurt in others - as a kid and even now. Both things have had impact on me - and my fantasies would not have occured without the traumatic events I went through.

I now know how I felt. When I was abused, when I was afraid of being abused again. The fear, pain, abbondenment - these are things we have to deal with.

I am glad you have a therapist to talk to. When I was telling my mom, I brought a friend with me, because I was scared of not being listened to. She took it better than I hoped, in the end.

I understand you feel rejected. Maybe this will take some time for your parents ro face their own fear of not being good parents... Perhaps your therapist could talk with you all, help your whole family deal with such painful revelations?

I hope you are doing well.

 

[shimmerz]

You're healing. Your abuser isn't winning.

I like this..... a lot.

 

[Jowhar1981]

It's my experience that sometimes parents don't want to face it and denying it to you is easier than accepting responsibility for something that happened on their watch. In that sense it's easier for them to say, so and so is making it up because I'm a parent and would have know, when in fact they had no idea and left you to suffer. It's a super crappy cop out on their part but definitely not uncommon. So sorry that you're going through it. Don't let their denial take away from pain that you know you've experienced and from your own healing.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wish I knew what to say to you. My parents were deep in denial after my disclosure, even after my abuser confessed, and after complete denial, they moved into radical minimization of my abuse. Sometimes I wonder if they would have stayed in that space forever if I had not freaked out and written vividly about several instances of abuse, which I then left for them to find. Prior to that, the level to which they were able to deny or minimize was simply unfathomable, and I was still a child at the time. Even thereafter, it seemed they often could not resist the temptation to minimize.

All this to say... I know how much it hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

 

[shimmerz]

I think one of the most healing things that I ever went through was to understand that WHAT I believed was what mattered. That being said, I needed to own that and tease through it with professionals and healers. Everyone else that attempted to put their own 2 cents worth (whether it was validating or not) had nothing to do with my internal experience. That's tough because part of trauma is wrapping one's sense of worth into what our abusers think of us (because we have to in order to survive). That can become a self sabotaging pattern.

Unraveling that concept was key for me.

 

[Joie]

I would trust the work you are doing with your therapist. I've never to my knowledge been sexually abused but I have pretty vivid memories of my physical, emotional (mother likely a narcissist), isolation and other forms of neglect. Until she died my mother, who sort of vaguely remembered, used to say I was over-exaggerating. But I saw how she blocked out her own symptoms of a troubling childhood by sheer will...just would not look at why she might have been so rageful. I'm in my 60's now but from my mid 20's into early thirties I worked as a volunteer counsellor in a sexual abuse organisation. We found it quite common that parents or carers just couldn't believe abuse happened. I suspect it really frightened them but I just don't know. Or that it went against everything they trusted (especially if the person was a priest, teacher, well know & well respected member of community; one of their parents). We also found that some parents were able to convince the person describing abuse that it wasn't true (only for flashbacks to re-trigger). Also, my sister was abused at 12/13 years over a period. She began getting flashes of memory in her 30's (along with alcoholism/bulimia addictions to deal with the pain)...I always told her I believed her even though the person was a family member. I sensed at a gut level she was right. The alleged abuser behaved in a way that might suggest disturbance too. I'm talking a highly dysfunctional line of people. In the last year my sister has gone into recovery and now is certain of the abuse...to the point of having evidence. I didn't need that. Her alcoholims and bulimia stem from the exact same time. Now other family members who were resistant to her believe it too. That took at least 15 years of her keeping to her story and me supporting (fairly low level albeit).

So I'll reiterate to trust your gut and your therapist. People are not necessarily trying to be unhelpful when they challenge us. I'm learning to have compassion for their defense mechanisms but it doesn't mean I agree with them! Therapy helps us to trust our own instinct and build confidence that we are okay with them. But you may never convince anyone else. Know that people (as on this site) who have similar experiences and understand the confusions and stresses around sharing with others (or seeking validation that may never come) are people who believe.