General Why Bother?

[Wastinglight]

I hadn't planned to go to the club today, but several other club members encouraged me to. I thought I'd be okay, but no, I kinda lost my shit. It wasn't pretty.

He came over at the end of the match and wanted to have a chat. We talked about his dating website use and he told me a whole bunch of bare-faced lies about it - things that I know for a fact are not true. But given that pretty much everything he's ever said to me with regards to dating websites appears to have been a pack of lies, I should have come to expect that by now. Honestly, I almost laughed out loud when he told me the only reason he got back on the dating websites after the breakup was to win a bet with a friend (that I would check to see whether he was back on those sites) and he won $50 out of it.

Almost every thing he said to me sounded like a lie - because it doesn't match his actions or even what he's told me directly in recent times. Why is he even bothering? What does it matter to him that I think he's an asshole? He doesn't love me, he doesn't care overly much about me. Why put on the Nice Guy act? Is it so that everyone else at the club will think he's a good guy, cos he's "trying to work things out"? Is it to reassure himself that he's a great guy? My gut is telling me it's all bullshit - and I have a tendency to believe my gut instinct these days....

I know, I need to get over it. I'm working on it. Just needed to vent.

 

[nursenurse]

B.S, M.S., P.H.D. That is, bull sh*t, more sh*t, piled high and deep. Glad you vented, here, I hope you gave proper hell and more. Sometimes we need to do that. I am pretty good at taking the high road, but sometimes one has to just be human and lambaste them for everything they are worth, which is, in the end, nothing. So sorry you had to go through all of this.

 

[shimmerz]

Why put on the Nice Guy act?

Because he is a coward.

 

[nursenurse]

Everyone wants to save face. He certainly does, and we the jilted do as well. The difference is, his face is begging to be slapped hard.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Why is he even bothering?

There is a stage in my break-ups, where I know I am getting over that person. It is when the 'why' is of no consequence or can not soothe the scar that was inflicted. It is when balls to the walls hit & I could not hear a reason good enough to justify the chasm between the love that I thought we had shared and the current situation being dealt.

It is when this saying has often crossed my mind while listening to certain ex's ...:clown:
"I know that you are lying because your lips are moving!"

This silently considered thought has brought many smiles to my face, as I turn, then walk away leaving my ex to find another for their captured audience. Moral of the story...you do not have to listen...let him consider the why as you prance off grinning and swooshing a feline grace.:tup: Being an empowered woman can become an art form to exhibit in any public setting such as a club. Put on your lipstick, stilettos and sashay gurl ! :tup: :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

I hope you gave proper hell and more.

Well, I basically spat venom at him until he went away. He played the role of Calm Reasonable Person very well indeed, but I'm not buying it. Only last weekend I could see how pissed off he was that I was still coming to matches. I was in the Calm Reasonable Person space myself a few weeks ago. Now I'm in the Angry As Hell space.

After today, I guess he believes he's doing a better job of getting over the breakup than I am, because he was the one who remained calm, but I don't know if he's even started processing the breakup at all. Whereas I'm full swing into processing it - hence the anger. If I had to guess, I would say it's likely that he's simply suppressing his feelings, and looking for other girls to act as an emotional airbag (hence the dating sites), so he can avoid having to feel the discomfort that inevitably comes when you break someone's heart and they don't let you off the hook for your dodgy behaviour.

lambaste them for everything they are worth, which is, in the end, nothing.

I didn't really get going on him frankly, because there were other people in earshot, including children. But he told me he's still reading my posts on this forum, so I figure he already knows exactly what I think anyway.

Everyone wants to save face

Yes probably. He seems to place a lot of importance on people thinking of him as a nice guy, a decent person. Well, right now I don't think of him as a nice guy. Even though I can understand why he acts the way he does (and perhaps I should not expect any better, considering his past experiences and his condition), he still treated me like crap, and I'm not inclined to forgive him any time soon for that. And I'm not going to play nice either, just so he can feel better about himself.

So yeah, he probably does want to save face. Me, not so much. I don't really care all that much if anyone thinks I'm a bitch after today. They don't know what happened, they are not feeling what I'm feeling, they don't know what I'm going through. Many people seem to think anger is a "bad" emotion that shouldn't be expressed at others. I disagree. Anger is a normal and sometimes very useful emotion. Better to express it than to repress it, cos repression leads to all sorts of problems down the track. Plus, I am physically incapable of repressing feelings.

He made some comments today about going numb, as if that signifies he's over the breakup already. Well I'm sorry, but going numb is very different to getting over someone to the point where you feel nothing towards them. But you know, numb sounds kinda nice. I sometimes wish I could go numb, but it just ain't gonna happen. Damn my overly sensitive nervous system!

It is when balls to the walls hit & I could not hear a reason good enough to justify the chasm between the love that I thought we had shared and the current situation being dealt.

Yes, that's it exactly. I'm in that place.

This silently considered thought has brought many smiles to my face, as I turn, then walk away leaving my ex to find another for their captured audience

That had been my plan - the silent considering, but then he cornered me and wanted to talk it out, and I just lost my shit after that.

I guess after this morning he's probably sitting there thinking "Oh wow, she's really not doing too well." Well, yes and no. No, because this is just how one feels after being dumped, cos I'm grieving the loss of the relationship. And also yes, because, well, I'm grieving the loss of this relationship. Grieving is not fun. And yeah, it's taking longer than I'd hoped, but eventually I'll be over him and ready for someone who actually treats me well, and one day I'll find myself in love with someone else who loves me back, and I'll be sitting pretty. But in the meantime, being in love with someone that I absolutely do not want to be in love with, sucks balls.

So, on the one hand, this morning was utterly horrible and I got all messy and upset and angry in front of him, which isn't a good look. But on the other hand, I think ultimately this will help me move further along the path towards getting over the breakup. And that can only be a good thing. Sure, I probably made a fool of myself, but at least I am in touch with my feelings, and I was open and honest about how I feel.

 

[nursenurse]

I remember my blow up at the Dude. And the Skank. I never knew that I knew so many names for whore, nor so many swear words in general. Not my finest moment in taking the high road. When I left his place, I continued yelling out side his bedroom window for a bit at maybe 3 AM. Some situations are just not made for nice. And anger properly used is a catalyst for change. As long as that change isn't about making his face look like a Picasso painting. Although one can dream....

 

[Wastinglight]

I remember my blow up at the Dude. And the Skank. I never knew that I knew so many names for whore, n...

Yeah, I totally get that. If I ever found out that he had been seeing someone else while we were together, I think I would go completely apeshit. Yelling at someone's window at 3am would be the least of it.

Not like last time, with my previous ex, when I found out he'd been deceiving me for 4 years. Back then (in my early 20s) I was more concerned about "what people might think" than how utterly indefensibly unacceptable that guy's treatment of me was. I tried to play nice, back then, because my social anxiety kept me in check. These days, my social anxiety exerts much less control of me. I was such a meek little mouse back then.

Heh, I remember someone telling me once about a girlfriend of theirs who found out her man was having an affair. When he got home , she had just got out of the shower, and - completely nude - she screamed the house down at him until he walked out the door and down the street. Well, that didn't stop her. She walked after him - still nude - and continued to hurl abuse at him. She didn't care a jot who was looking. In the end, he was the one who ended up humiliated, because the entire street learned of his transgressions. He moved out the next day, never to be seen again. That story always puts a smile on my face. Now that woman had balls....

 

[nursenurse]

That is hilarious! She wasn't good at hiding her feelings, or much else for that matter!!!

 

[Wastinglight]

That is hilarious! She wasn't good at hiding her feelings, or much else for that matter!!!

Indeed!

Well, I'm feeling a bit less angry now. Now I'm just feeling annoyed. He was telling me today how giddily happy and productive, etc, etc he is, now that we've broken up (and he wondered why I just kept getting angrier at him when he told me this...). I guess he (and possibly others) are taking his newfound joy as a sign that I was bad for him, or something. Personally, I think it's more a sign that he lacks adequate coping skills to manage his stress and resolve problems in relationships (except by running away, of course). But whatever...

 

[Stickler]

...Just wondering...why do you have to interact with him?
...If someone had trashed my heart and was acting like it was no big deal, what's the problem?...Well...
I wouldn't want to see him or her again.
No talking, no seeing.

There's not going to be any satisfying answer from the person. Better to cut them out of your life surgically, mourn them fully, move on.

 

[Wastinglight]

...Just wondering...why do you have to interact with him?
...If someone had trashed my heart and was ac...

Yes, not seeing and not talking would be ideal. However, not seeing him would mean giving up my favourite sport. And I'm not willing to give it up - it means too much to me. There is only one place in my region where it is run, so I can't go elsewhere. Initially I tried to negotiate an arrangement where we could minimise the amount of time we spend near each other, he wasn't interested. He had assumed that I would just stop coming to the club, after the breakup, and got quite angry when he realised I wasn't going to acquiesce.

But, for the most part, there is no real need for us to interact at the club, most of the time. There's enough space that we can subtly avoid each other easily enough. It's been mostly fine so far, and today would have been fine too - if he hadn't tried to have a heart-to-heart with me and spewed out a whole lotta bullshit at me. I am confident that things will get better in time - I am just really angry at the moment. It will pass.