Supporter And Sufferer - Exhausted By Trying To Support So

[PrayersPlz]

Hi all, I was diagnosed with PTSD 17 years ago after years in an abusive relationship. My SO seemed to be an anxiety sufferer but after our baby died he sunk into what I'm sure is complex PTSD. The last year had been a living hell and I'm starting to give up. It's not that he's not trying, but nothing seems to help and I'm at the end of my rope. After dead end after dead end, I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I feel exhausted, and tired of fighting both for him and with him. The stress is killing me, but I know this can be helped, I just don't know if he's going to get the help he needs in time for either of us. Anyway. Hi.

 

[StarChild]

My SO seemed to be an anxiety sufferer but after our baby died he sunk into what I'm sure is Complex PTSD.

Hi, how do you define "Complex-PTSD, can you elaborate, please? And: are both these "diagnoses" from you? In other words are you self-diagnosing your SO? If yes, that's anything but helpful... Leave that job to an experienced, (trauma)-therapist or psychiatrist.

My next question would be, are you, or your SO in a therapy, which you attend regularly (at least once every two weeks)? If not, why not? If yes, does it help?

It's not that he's not trying, but nothing seems to help

How and what exactly does your SO try? So much questions... But it's more helpful, if your not keeping so vague in your description of what the two of you are fighting with... - Welcome to the forum!:)

 

[PrayersPlz]

Hi, how do you define "Complex-PTSD, can you elaborate, please? And: are both these "diagnoses" from...

I didn't self diagnose so you can Remove the sarcasm quotes. I saw a therapist for years before she felt I had enough of a handle to manage without. He was diagnosed with anxiety and adhd by a psychologist then sent to a psychiatrist who's been doing meds management but since the death nothing's been working. He started having flashbacks, took an online assessment for PTSD and scored off the charts. He then went in and was assessed by our couples counselor for the PTSD. He spoke to several of his colleagues who then said because of all the childhood trauma he experiences and other historical things, it likely wasn't single incidence trauma, it was better categorized as complex PTSD. That he didn't feel qualified to treat such specific needs but my SO is still going there because it's something. We tried to find a trauma specialist. went to one who said my SO should be taken to the ER for meds management and that he wouldn't treat him. ERs don't do meds management- they do forced commitments. Lied to us both. Called usual doc for a second opinion on ER and he said that was absurd. Set a follow up with psychologist. When we followed up with the so called trauma doc, he said he tried to get him put away because my SO "threatened" him because he's mentioned that he sometimes carries a knife because he's so anxious but worries about having it because it tempts him to self harm. Which is the furthest thing from a threat to anyone but himself. It's a cry for help and this guy tried to have him locked up. Didn't even check in Afterwards to see what had happened or how he was. We had to call 3 days later. Filled the insurance claim that day though. His psychiatrist now wants to put him on lithium and latuda but he's concerned about them both and from what I've read neither is known to be helpful with PTSD, but could possibly help with the depression component. She previously had him on klonapin which made all his symptoms worse (according to the latest meta study it's "moderately contraindicated" for PTSD), though in her defense he didn't have the PTSD diagnosis. He is still taking them though and it really changes him and exacerbates everything, but he won't stop so now I have to be concerned about a physical dependancy on those. The point is I'm strung out, tired of trying to hold our family together, protect our living child from this as much as possible, handle my own grief & health issues, and support my desperately struggling SO, so I came here because I didn't know where else to go. I didn't really expect first response to be scepticism.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome PrayersPlz

 

[PrayersPlz]

Thanks @The Albatross - I like your quote

 

[The Black Phoenix]

@PrayersPlz - I'm sorry to hear that you have been through such hell. It's always amazing to me that they tell you to go to an emergency room if you're having a psychiatric emergency, but then they never help. I even told my friend that it would be good for her husband during a time which he was experiencing extreme paranoia, but he was furious and triggered by the forced hospital visit which did absolutely nada.

Benzodiazapines can be addictive, but a lot of this seems to be dose dependent. Truthfully, I weaned myself off of them, but sometimes I kind of wish I had them around. I am definitely not anti-med, but, I believe in using them only when necessary. They might be necessary for a little while to keep him stable, but there shoud be continued therapy with the intent to often reassess drug needs.

C-PTSD I don't believe is included in the DSM V, but I definitely believe it's a real thing. It is usually a result of repeated traumas though. I don't know your SO and it is defintely not my place to make a diagnoses. I think really this is just a matter of difference in words; "regular" PTSD I'm sure is bad enough.

So you mentioned he is currently seeing a psychiatrist but I wasn't clear on whether he is still receiving therapy. Very few psychiatrist deal with actual therapy but I know there are a few. If he is not seeing a therapist on a regular basis, then he needs to, and you could most likely benefit from it as well.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! I will think good thoughts in your direction.

 

[intothelight]

@PrayersPlz Welcome to the forum! :)

First of all I am sorry to read about the loss of your child and it is perfectly normal for grief and the trauma of the loss to affect people in many ways. Add PTSD to the mix and that makes it even tougher.

Trying to hold everything together puts a lot of stress on yourself. It may sound counter-intuitive, but you need to address your own needs first, mentally, physically and emotionally before you put anything else on your plate. Can your SO's psychiatrist make a referral to a trauma therapist or at least help with the search?

What are you doing for yourself? You need support too and perhaps there is a bereavement group for parents you might want to check out. This site is also a great place for information and support. Just keep in mind that no individuals traumas, reactions or treatments are the same and sometimes it takes a while to find what works. Just never give up hoping and trying as you will find the right mix and it will get better.

 

[StarChild]

I didn't self diagnose

Now imagine, what misunderstanding and annoyance you could have saved yourself and me, by providing the proper information, right away from the start in your initial post... This is a great forum for honest, authentic support. But that requires, that everyone who participates, acts upon their personal responsibility when interacting with other members here. And in this case that includes, that you own your part in contributing to that misunderstanding we had.

so you can Remove the sarcasm quotes.

I didn't really expect first response to be scepticism.

No @PrayersPlz, there was neither sarcasm nor skepticism involved in my questions. I just wanted to better understand your initial post, which lacked some essential information. We're no mind readers. And it's also not our job or duty to fill in the blanks, someone leaves, by not giving the essential information needed, to understand their situation. As a rule of thumb: If you want to be understood properly, then share as less as possible, but clearly as much as necessary.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!!

 

[PrayersPlz]

Thank you @The Black Phoenix
Yes, He's seeing a therapist as well, but not a trauma specialist. It's been a roller coaster and just when I think it can't get worse, it does. it breaks my heart to see him suffer and I spend a lot of my time feeling helpless. I'm burning out as a carer and thought it would be helpful to reach out to a group I thought might really understand what it's like. I appreciate your support but I'm wondering if I made the right choice based on the welcome I've received from some. Every day is a struggle to get through, the last thing I need is our introduce more drama into my life. Not you - really, thank you for your kind words and support. I just wanted you to know why I might go back to being a lurker. Thanks again

 

[PrayersPlz]

Thanks @intothelight - I know I have to look after myself. I've been trying but I've realized that I need to do better at reaching out, getting support. I've found some balance on the grief. It comes and goes, but I've found some ways to manage it. It will always be there, but it's livable and I'm healing. Dealing with my husband's challenges are what's crushing me. Because of everything I personally have been through, I'm not as strong and resilient as I once was and that's making this all the more difficult. I can't describe how sad and strung out I've been feeling these past few days, and PTSD is so unique, I thought maybe this would be a place I could turn to for support. I don't know, I may have misjudged. I may be to fragile to handle what this seems to be. I'm afraid I've found yet another dead end in my quest for help.

 

[PrayersPlz]

@TreeHugger I'm sorry I didn't meet the expected clarity standards on the first post I ever made. I'm sorry that my plea for support driven by my feelings of desperation annoyed you with its lack of detail. How was I to know the right level of detail or the expected standards? It's my very first post in an introduction thread. Text doesn't convey tone, so to be clear, that's not an attack, it's a plea for understanding.
I posted here because I don't know where else to go. I feel broken and lonely and desperate - so few people seem to really understand PTSD - what it feels like and what it's like to live with. And I so hoped for just a kind word of support. The feeling that may be I wasn't alone and that there were some people in the world who understood. To feel like I do and be greeted by someone apparently Sr in the community as you did... It just breaks my already broken heart. I reached out looking for kindness, and felt like I got a slap in return. I doubt that was your intention. You were probably just trying to maintain forum rules or...I don't know why you responded the way you did. I like to think that your intention wasn't unkind, but as fragile as I feel, I just can't. I am already raw from dealing with my SO s random snappishness because of a trigger from no where, the last thing I need is to introduce more via a stranger in a forum. Again, I don't blame you, I don't think you were trying to be cruel or hurtful, but please, consider at least in an introduction forum, gentling your words. Reaching out for help and support can be a scary vulnerable experience, and perhaps, at least in this thread, a softer approach may serve better. Take the feedback for whatever it's worth. Or maybe I'm 100% the problem and I just shouldn't be here if I can't take it. I may just have come to the wrong place for the type of support I was looking for. Either way, I can't possibly describe how sorry I am that things started on this foot.