Assigning 'old Parts' New Roles

[shimmerz]

I am a strong believer in Structural Dissociation Theory. I am not DID but I believe the majority of my life I have been flipping in and out of different 'parts' of me that were created on an as needed basis. One of those parts (a very strong part of me) is my Mother part. I have been a mother since I was 20 years old. I am now 53. With my trauma rekindling, my Mother part disintegrated. This part defined the majority of my adult life.

My sense of SELF seems to have been lost through this process and I am trying to figure out what to do to attempt to reincorporate the good of her into my new life. A life that really does not include Mother duties. This part of me is strong, focused, caring, nurturing, etc. Lots of good things. I don't seem to know how to apply these things without being attached to a Mother role.

My thought was that I was going to have to bury her as she is of no use to anyone at this point. I was given a suggestion that perhaps I could transfer these characteristics into something I choose to focus my attention on in the future. I am trying to figure out how to do so. I so hate to see the good qualities being shed because I am so married to the fact that they belong to the 'Mother' me.

This posting may not make sense to many, but I am wondering if anyone has a sense of what I am speaking of, perhaps may have gone through therapy and been given direction on this type of thing. Is there something that we, who have 'parts' so firmly rooted in what we thought to be our SELVES, but are no longer applicable to our new PTSD lives? No idea if this makes sense to anyone but me. Any takers?

 

[LuckyDuck]

The youth part of me is changing. I didn't have sense of family for nearly a decade. It's something that being shunned from my family did to me. I was always in a younger state of mind.

When I got reintroduced to a cousin, who has four children, I started to get the sense of what it was like to be an older member of the family. New senses of responsibility, a change of focus, and a loss came gradually. It's a fact of life that we have moments of change but I don't let that have me lose hope. I find moments when I'm reading especially that bring the same sense of hope. I'll never be a 9-5 person but I will be taking on more this new year than I ever have before.

There are plenty of ways to keep the nurturing mother side intact, but it will take on different forms. Some people will go for different projects that take awhile but demand attention, others will adopt an animal and others will volunteer their time to serve their community or spend time doting on younger family members. There are many ways to get back into contact with the mother side. It will be different, feel different in a way. I hope your journey will be a fruitful one, I truly do.

LD

 

[ms.mermaid]

I am a strong believer in Structural Dissociation Theory. I am not DID but I believe the majority of m...

@shimmerz
This really resonates with me.
I've tried to describe this notion to my partner during psychedelic experiences, which for me revealed a self that was more constructed of roles to others. My sister self, my daughter self, my girlfriend self, my mother, my therapist. It was very hard to distinguish myself from those roles, because I have had very little practice in developing a role for myself and my relationship to me. I think my inner therapist is more based off whatever care for my own existence was instilled in me by my therapist as a teen, but it was not nearly as developed as other roles.
Still, its the only part of me that ever stood up to the critical mother in me.

I'm not sure if this is the feeling you're describing, and I haven't been diagnosed with DID either.
I'm interested to see other people's responses.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

It reminds me of the therapy approach called Internal Family Systems. I've had it recommended but have not done it. My understanding is that it works with our internal roles and looks at integration. (I could be misunderstanding it.) I think it is used for DID but is not at all specific to that, applies to anyone carrying family dysfunction (so, everyone). My ex has done some work in therapy with this, and sounds like it has been helpful.

 

[scout86]

You know how I feel about this "parts" stuff. LOL :rolleyes:

But, my T, who agrees with you, is a big fan of giving "parts" new jobs. He says you can't really make them go away. If you try, they will come back and possibly (probably) in ways that aren't useful. So he says you can definitely give them new jobs and it's a good idea..

In this case? Following along with your interest in shamanism, consider that in a lot of older cultures, there actually ARE roles for women who have aged out of being "mothers". Roles that serve the tribe as a whole. Maybe look in that direction while you're looking?

 

[Born to Run]

My thought was that I was going to have to bury her as she is of no use to anyone at this point.

Please don't. She needs to be the mother to yourself. Until now the mother was externalised towards others, I believe you need to internalise the care and nurturing towards yourself. I guess this may only be possible once the process of mourning over having had no real caring mother in the past is completed. Then you can connect with this part without having to label it in any way, as it then integrates with yourself.

 

[Ronin]

She needs to be the mother to yourself. Until now the mother was externalised towards others, I believe you need to internalise the care and nurturing towards yourself.

^^ This.

You did excellent toward others, now time to give yourself the same amount and depth of care.

There's assigning new roles, and there's using the old roles for a new purpose. Both can work, depending which process is easier route to take.

 

[Ronin]

it works with our internal roles and looks at integration.

In my experience (which was highly modified ISF for that part of therapy) integration of experiences, and easier cooperation, so integration in the functional sense, not 'shoo, you part', as it was acknowledging some basic neuro set up is something that is, moving it away would only render me afunctional.

 

[shimmerz]

integration of experiences, and easier cooperation, so integration in the functional sense,

Any tips on this @Cashew? I understand theoretically what you are saying, but not certain what this means from a practical standpoint. The more I hear about IFS, the more I like it. Especially for my kids/mother/grandmother issues. I wonder, if I had known about that earlier, if perhaps I could have dealt with the kids issues better when they were younger. Oh well. Water under the bridge at this point.