Is This Complex Ptsd?

[lostforgottensoul]

No one answered me in the "What is complex PTSD thread so Im posting my own. Im copying and pasting my intro as I did for someone else in here, it has a lot of holes in it but would this be complex PTSD? I know its brainwashing and still trying to wrap my mind around "human traffiking" but CPTSD is a new term for me and wanted to know. Also if it is, should I bring it up to my therapist? With 8 degrees Im sure he's heard of it but is there specific therapies for it? Here's my intro, again:

I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalized anxiety Disorder and possible but not diagnosed Attachment Disorder. I grew up in a very bad cult, Santanic like thought it was being called christianity, headed by my mom & step dad. They told me "god speaks to us & told me to do this because you were bad"...or "...to love you" and punishments could be cutting me down there to boiling water or bleach or any burning chemical put in me to being urinated on to really anything. My dad left my mom when I was 12 so most of it started them but she was having an affair with him when I was 7 and thats when he started having sex with me, I was "special" and "beautiful". The forcing of watch porn videos with him and my mom around 9 yrs old and she was easy to get her to believe his "religion", he had his own bible and everything and as embarrased as I am to say this, I still believe, as much as I believe the sky is blue, that they could hear god and god told them to do these things. If it were another child it would be wrong to me, but because it was me, I dont see it as wrong. Age 12 they had me prostituting for them so I could pay them rent, half the bills, my own food though they dod have me eating out of the trash for a while. But their cult members would have sex with me as well as both my mom and step dad, 46 times was the most in one night (6 hrs). My step dad would have "gentle sex" with me which I actually looked foward to and still think about to this day and call him my "first love", its the only time I felt loved or very oddly, even safe. I dont ever remeber being a virgin so I dont remwmber who took that, i know a 14 yr old boy jad sex with me at 7 but i cant remember before age 7. They did forced small animal sacrafice and that, though forced, because I became ok with it in my own mind, is why I put myself in the same catigory as serial killers. Also forced bestiality and other horrible things. My step dad died anout a yr ago though he's alive in my head and my mom and i havent talked or had contact since I was 19 but I hear her force all day long. When little we, my brother & I, went to a christian church but its also there were a pastor had sex with me many times in the church so terrified of chirches, very confused about religon and "god", very mixed up in general. I've been in therapy a bit over 6 yrs and will be for yrs to come. I was sent to this site by my therapist as I can't seem to get to actual local support groups and support is important as my entire family are out of my life and don't talk to me (their choice, they dont beliebe me) except my dad who left me there and i was isolated from when I was 12, i just unsupressed this 6 yrs ago and he's 74 and down plays it all and I have no friends equaling no support to be able to counter the "brainwashing" that was done. Personsonally I am an artist, mostly pencil portraits though I can draw still life, animals and really anything and paint with acrylics. I'm dyslexic so was labeled "stupid" and also a victim of horrible bullying in school to the point of rocks being thrown at my head so I had no safe place except where I went in my head. I'm now almost 35 and really want to change my life for the better and get better. I am able to work but other than that, the extreme fear of people keeps me inside. I'm also a clean addict, 12 yrs of 2 drugs and 1 yr of another. In the cult they gave me drugs to keep me compliant but it numbed it some and so I continued the addict cycle. I am a cutter and when I'm clean of drugs I do that instead, that still is an ongoing thing. I feel I am a very good friend if people would over look my issues and give me a chance; I do everything I can for anyone, what you tell me I take to my grave and I am a very honest person. Other than than those things though I fail to find the good in me. I've been suicidal since I was 8 and have thought about it every day since and many MANY failed attempts. So that's me and the fastest way to tell you my story. I feel Im in a dark hole, no light to see and in therapy we've hit a wall almost so I dont know how to "un-brainwash" myself, stop self doing the rituals, and get better. Sorry if this is too graphic, dont know how to tell my story without at least saying this much.

 

[ms spock]

I am really very sorry for what you have lived through.

It is quite understandable why you are the way you are - there is a lot of trauma in your life.

My understanding of it @lostforgottensoul - is that there is no such thing as Complex PTSD - there is Complex Trauma.

Complex PTSD was proposed by Judith Herman but never made it into the DSM. A lot of people apparently wanted it, and it gained a wide currency.

Bessel Der Van Kolk proposed Developmental Trauma and it has not made it into the DSM either. Laurence Heller writes an interesting book but it is almost impenetrable.

So Complex PTSD is used as a shorthand by a lot of people to talk about certain types of PTSD symptom clusters. Some people think it is a thing and it is not. I think for some professionals use it just as a shorthand but for different things.

Complex Trauma is worth looking into, and I am so tired right now I cannot think how to express that, but there are lots of people on this forum who are much more knowledgeable about these things

The "Complex PTSD" not being a real diagnosis has been done to death on this forum - thus why no one probably responded. I sometimes read it as someone getting PTSD and Complex Trauma mixed up. But it is not backed by research or the DSM.

I have PTSD, Complex Trauma, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, severe attachment issues and possibly a few other things, my psychiatrist is not really interested in labels but in being proactive about my recovery. How she has put up with me at times I don't know.

For the Borderline Personality Disorder DBT is the thing there - the research shows promising results with that. Anthony talks about that somewhere on this forum.

I have no wisdom to impart. I can see why you find people hard to be around. I wish you the best, and feel very sad that you were treated the way you were treated. That you can work is amazing. I am so glad you have an artistic outlet.

I started being suicidal when I was 8 as well.

Please be safe as you can be,
Best Wishes,
ms spock

 

[Saria]

So sorry to hear what you have been through @lostforgottensoul
Noone should experience what you're describing. I hope you know that none of it was your fault.

I'm now almost 35 and really want to change my life for the better and get better

It takes courage to do that! When I feel that nothing is changing or working I try to remember the saying that even just one raindrop raises the sea :) So just a small step in the right direction will make a difference in time.

When it comes to complex PTSD I think ms spock covered the most of it, but if you want to read more about it you could read this
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understand-complex-ptsd-cptsd.83518/

If you're not after a debate about terminology and diagnosis though, I guess it's easier to just call it complex trauma.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am really very sorry for what you have lived through.

It is quite understandable why you are the way...

My therapist said he doesnt know how i can work too, along with "I dont know how you are as functional as you are" but after 6 yrs, he knows; im still seperated from my past, its numbed so talking about it is like im talking about someone else cuz it feels like it was someone else though i think thats starting to change or move some and the more me and my therapist work the more of a "crazy woman" i become so its like im clawing to stay able to work, to keep it numbed in the day but still get better. Its not like i can keep it at the door when i come into work. Keeping my feelings numbed in the day is getting harder but so far i can keep it pushed or push it back away when it comes up and have anxiety meds for the MASSIVE anxiety that remains. Pushing down feelings arent good but i have to to stay as functional as i am and you do what you have to when you have to do it and i think my therapist is careful to keep me functional, not go too fast but still moving foward. He trying to get me ok with being around people first, probably so with the harder stuff i can remain fuctional. ive worked and paid bills since i was 12 so i cant see not working and if i did try for disabilty, the one thing i dont want to do, i dont want tax payers to pay for me to live though working entitles me to it, still its just a thing with me but with my physical inabilty to walk unless i have meds and even with meds deal with massive pain 24/7, i sleep in a recliner, with the mental stuff im sure i could get it but who would pay the bills while waiting the forever timeframe? I have no spouse and though my dad lives with me his retirement SS, VA pension & VA disabilty, its not enough to pay the bills here and my step mom doesnt work and i watched her try for disability and failed; she doesnt have the mental stuff and doesnt have as much pain as i do; i think she could work too but dont tell her that; so like all things, i do what i have to do when i have to do it. Im VERY strong willed, thus how i was able to get myself clean off 3 drugs, never been to rehab, and stay clean from THAT drug (though my therapist calls me a different type of addict, i dont get addicted to 1 drug, just the numbing it gives me so i can stay clean from one and start a completely different one never thinking of the 1st) and stopped smoking on my own, if i really want to do something I will do it.

Thanks for clearing that up for me. My therapist has never mentioned Complex Trauma but its as complex as one can get. Trying to unbrainwash me is like trying to convince you that the sky is purple, i dont know how my therapist puts up with me either. We talk in circles a lot cuz he tries to get me to defend my poistion, like defend my position that I deserved it but no other child/person does, or defend why im in the same "tier" as a serial killer though the animal killing was forced and even though i didnt say no and could of taken the punishments, etc. I end up talking in circles, he's trying to bring these to my rational mind i think but im stubborn, so not sure how he puts up with it. He just says its a sign of how good they brainwashed me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So sorry to hear what you have been through @lostforgottensoul
Noone should experience...

Yeah, i had just never heard of it, figured it wasnt in the DSM, even 5th edition from the replies on Anthony's thread but just wanted to know if this fell in that area; i guess i would say it does but without it being in the DSM that explains why my therapist has never brought it up.

"Only 1 rain drop raises the sea"; i like that :)

 

[Chava]

I have complex trauma and developmental trauma (very early trauma, continuous abuse, and multiple traumas over time from birth to adulthood). There isn't an official diagnosis for any of this, though new disorders, CPTSD and DTD (developmental), have been proposed by Van der Kolk, Herman, and Laurence Heller. These trauma experts understand that the early and/or complex traumas create symptoms that are often more global and outside the existing PTSD diagnosis. For example, Heller's developmental trauma model encompasses many of the symptoms of attachment disorder. Van der Kolk's and Herman's models of complex or developmental trauma account for the personality features.

So, this doesn't mean you don't have complex trauma. Sounds complex to me, but talk to your therapist. Your diagnosis might remain exactly the same. So the important thing is feeling like you have the right therapist for your set of symptoms or your goals. If you call it "complex trauma" or CPTSD the treatment would still have to be tailored to you and addressed by someone who understands layers of ongoing early traumas, and help you develop new skills to self-regulate and slowly manage some relationships.

My therapist told me I have complex trauma. There are traumas from early childhood through adulthood that I remember. But at a body level I feel like i'm working on extremely early trauma I don't have normal memories of (my therapist uses Somatic Experiencing and other body-oriented approaches to trauma therapy). I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder, though I've met with several therapists and taken all the standard assessments. But I have some Avoidant and some BPD traits, also some dissociative traits. Attachment disorders aren't diagnosed in adults, but if the relational patterns are very strong and consistent, they are often diagnosed as personality disorders.

Anyway I think my point is my therapist is helping me address my mix, which involves many issues around feeling myself living inside my body, dealing with triggers, and also forming connections with other people. If your therapist understands trauma and can help you make progress towards the kind of life you want, that's the important part. Your diagnosis can remain the same and it probably encompasses these many features of complex trauma.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Attachment disorders aren't diagnosed in adults, but if the relational patterns are very strong and consistent, they are often diagnosed as personality disorders.

Im an adult and my therapist brought up possible attachment disorder. I havent been diagnosed but there are some signs of a possible diagnosis there

My therapist is very good, he should be with 8 degrees. He didnt even know why i was there for a year and i went to him every week.

Thank you for the info :)

 

[Chava]

My therapist is very good, he should be with 8 degrees.

My therapist doesn't have 8 degrees, but she's amazing and very well trained within her fewer degrees. Meanwhile, the PhD psych I had a while ago was fairly unhelpful. I think however deeply they understand trauma and how they manage to help you navigate your struggle is what matters most. If you trust your therapist, I'd just go with what he says then or ask him if you have "complex trauma" or if you do have an attachment disorder. Just ask him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist doesn't have 8 degrees, but she's amazing and very well trained within her fewer degrees. Mea...

Oh, he's the one that brought up the attchment disorder as the only way i was taught, even at age 7 and 8 and possibly earlier as i dont ever remember being a virgin and cant remember before age 7; is with sex. Though i dont want to, i feel i have to; especially people trying to help, people in power, and pastors. I dont think he wants to add another "label" as sometimes the labling can do more harm than good, he is treating as like i have it and he wants to treat the all as a whole.

I dont like my psychiatrist either, my therapist works with her and i only tslk to him, my therapist, my Ph.D is just to write my anxiety meds.

 

[Chava]

I dont think he wants to add another "label" as sometimes the labling can do more harm than good, he is treating as like i have it and he wants to treat the all as a whole.

That makes sense. I think understanding the attachment stuff, however it happens to be framed, is helpful. I don't have a personality disorder (and as far as I know attachment disorders aren't formally diagnosed in adults, but yes, you could work from the understanding that there are attachment issues still deeply at work in an adult's life). But my avoidance of relationships is very deep. I don't know how to reach out to others and I honestly don't know why I would most of the time. If I'm having a crisis, I end up getting to the point of needing ER. A friend asked why I didn't reach out to her or someone else sooner and I told her it just didn't feel like it made sense. :oops::unsure: But I'm working at finding some people I can trust besides my therapist (that in itself too a long time, even though she's very gentle and easy to trust). It's hard.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know how to reach out to others and I honestly don't know why I would most of the time. If I'm having a crisis, I end up getting to the point of needing ER. A friend asked why I didn't reach out to her or someone else sooner

I hear ya! I dont have a friend to reach out to, the only few times ive been to the ER is when i was found, though i try to go to places people wont find me, on an overdose but in this State, you have verbally admit to intent on trying to kill oneself to be committed and i wont do that. I had about 10 Drs at my bedside once trying to get me to admit it and i wouldnt "yes i took 250 pills by accident, oops". My therapist knows how suicidal i am but knows i have to work so we go slow and i generally cut first anyway. When i tell people ive had 28 failed attempts starting at age 8, they say "just for attention, if you really wanted to you would of already done it", no, these are i didnt tell anyone attempts. Most of my ODs my body expelled it before i passed out, i even tried prescription anti-nausea meds an hr before and still expelled it. There is a human nature to survive so when i tried driving my car 90 mph into a brick wall i did turn the wheel. The branch broke that i was trying to hang myself on; i thought of Robin Williams, how he faught that human nature cuz i tried to drown myself in a pool and unless i was handcuffed to the bottom of the ladder, keys where i cant reach them, i cant see anyone not coming up for air which is what i did. At age 8 i jumped off our house roof and though that wouldnt of killed me, that was my intention. Now i stare at the VERY busy train tracks i live next to, if only i could muster up the courage to jump in front of the train. I imagation myself sitting on the tracks every time i take my dog out. My therapist said "wouldnt it be nice to just look at the train and just admire it or look pass the tracks?" Yes, but how does one get there? So i try to do that but its hard. I try coming on here when i feel like that, i have no actual friends but people here listen and offer great support. Now if i could only do that when i want to cut....

 

[Born to Run]

Hi, I am deeply sorry to read your story. I don't know if you like reading books about trauma, but my therapist mentioned this book about your type of abuse and thinks it is the best that is out there. Maybe it could help you: Dead Link Removed
The title is Becoming Yourself. Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse, by Alison Miller. She has written at least two books and I believe this title is especially also meant for survivors. My borderline mother did a lot of mind control on me, so that is where he compared me to ritual abuse survivors. Also the website https://survivorship.org may be of interest to you.

Re complex trauma; you could think of it as a spiderweb with branches throughout your brain/body that contains layer upon layer of abuse with effects on your personality that are also layered and have become part of who you are. In my experience the earlier it all started the more it had a negative effect on my personality or rather what was left of that. With the right therapy it is possible to heal from this, it really is.