Is This Complex Ptsd?

[Chava]

I usually brought myself to ER because I got scared once I started feeling very sick. I never had the guts to do it quickly. Always pills...and waiting, then getting scared. Usually nobody even knew. Definitely not attention. WTF to anyone who would think that. I just felt out of options. Starving was even more passive, like I was waiting for something to change my mind, but had very little will to live (and starvation makes it even worse, because it f*cks up your head even more, so I ended up hospitalized for that too).

Healing, I'm starting to respect, is no quick process when the trauma was early, ongoing, or happening in many layers. I'm working to just stick to the very few social situations I feel okay in. It's easy to just not show up. It's easy to be around people I get along with and still feel no connection because my bubble is so thick that it's hard to feel like we are simultaneously real. It's even worse if anyone would try to get close to me. I become unreal or they do. I'm glad my therapist understands this. More often I can feel that we are simultaneously real. This all happens so slowly. As far as the rest of my potential support/social circle, it's going to move even slower but I have to just remember to keep showing up (like for me a 12-step group is very good because I'm an alcoholic...not sure if you have any support groups or 12-steps groups that would work for you, but that's very helpful for feeling a little more connected to others without all the shame of my history, even though they don't need to know all of it)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hi, I am deeply sorry to read your story. I don't know if you like reading books about trauma, but m...

I have 2 books now to read cueently, my therapust had me buy one we are going through together The Post-Traumatic Source Book and my dad bought me Risin' Strong by Berne Brown (it wont let me post the liks as it thinks they're email addys when they arent, even off amazon; not sure why everyone else can and i cant) but being dyslexic thats all i can handle right now but i will save the li ks as bookmarks. The first PTSD source book im stuck before the Recovery stage of the book due to not being able to pick out feeli s, let them pass thru and go deeper but i am seeing a seperation of feelings when to begin with it was all one meshed ball. I am planning on starting Risin Strong and go back to the sourcebook after hiping it will "un-stick" me but i will look into that. I cant go too fast or go in too deep, too much too fast or it causes me to fall backwards very fast. I'll ask my therapist as we are sorta stuck on trying to unbrainwash me but he makes me rationalize what i was told, like say why these thoughts are rational and i end up going into circles so my rational mind knows better but i still believe it as much as i believe the sky is blue and i feel like its like trying to convince someone the sky is purple or red or whatever, you know?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Definitely not attention. WTF to anyone who would think that.

Because of having that many failed attempts, 28.

Starving was even more passive, like I was waiting for something to change my mind, but had very little will to live (and starvation makes it even worse, because it f*cks up your head even more, so I ended up hospitalized for that too).

This I understand due to having a gall bladder full of stones; they had to remove my gall bladder but i had to wait a year due to insur and money and evertime i ate i got sick so for a year i lived on baby food and boost until they removed it. Lost over 100 lbs; just not a good way to.

my bubble is so thick

My wall is like 400 thoudand ft of steel, i let no one in; i have no friends :(

not sure if you have any support groups or 12-steps groups that would work for you, but that's very helpful for feeling a little more connected to others without all the shame of my history, even though they don't need to know all of it)

Nope, i tried actual sexual abuse support groups, never worked out due to my fear of people and my work schedule so this is my support group for now

 

[selfcompassion]

No one answered me in the "What is complex PTSD thread so Im posting my own. Im copying and p...

I have CPTSD, complex trauma, whatever you want to call it. I see the DSM, as a tool, and it has changed over the years. For awhile borderline personality disorder was removed.
Complex trauma, or whatever you choose to call it, involves a catch twenty two situation that went on for years, where there was no escape. So any trauma as a child because you can't just leave, that isn't a single event, results in complex trauma. If you were abused and or neglected preverbally, it results in complex trauma...aka, attachment disorder. Given the nature of your abuse that you remember, you are a good set up for attachment issues.
I work with what "speaks" to me, and what resonates with me, as I have worked on my recovery. There are soooo many treatment models out there, beliefs, labels, etc. Here's some of my conclusions after 20 years. I'm also a registered nurse so you know, and a geek.
So...Peter Walker and his theory on complex ptsd is the best one I have come across. In his book, SURVIVING AND THRIVING WITH CPTSD, he explains how every DSM diagnosis present (or to come for that matter.,☺☺), and all behaviors in between on a continuum can occur.
He has CPTSD himself. Over the years, I've learned these are the best teachers, the ones who have had it and evolve to the point where they can help others. ROSS ROSENBURG is also very very good.
I no longer see myself as flawed, damaged, defective. I was injured...last year I would have said, "I AM INJURED".
When you come to a point in your journey, that you take charge of your own healing, you will see all therapists, DSM, treatment models, meds, books, diagnosis, as tools for you to use on your healing journey. You use what works for you...tread your own path, cause you're already on it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He has CPTSD himself. Over the years, I've learned these are the best teachers, the ones who have had it and evolve to the point where they can help others.

I agree and have really sorta "soaked in" stories of kidnapped victims and ex-cult member survivors and how they got better. I identify with kidnap victims as my mom's personality flipped completely and i was kept from my biological father so i think thats why, i felt like i was kidnapped. I feel, if you havent gone through it, how can tou know how i feel or what im dealing with?