Why Dissociate?

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul Sorry I missed your one post there. I'm sorry you've been through a...

Thank you! If you want more of my story my introduction is here https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ theres a lot of holes in it but its the fastest way i could tell it. Think of hell, thats my childhood. But it is what it is and just trying to figure out how to unbrainwash myself with my therapist, how to believe i didnt deserve it all as i fully believe i did, that it wasnt my fault as i fully believe it was, that god really didnt tell them to do it all though i believe god did and i feel deep inside that i have to, or may even start with grieving my child self but still trying to figure out how but folks here gave me good ideas!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

My childhood stuff was all emotional abuse and neglect.

I just started trying to understand and accept my dissociation and what all that means. I don't remember much from my childhood but I know enough to accept I have a lot of work to do. Once I really accepted certain aspects of my dissociation, I was permitted access to a few things by my system. One of those things is now what I consider, one of my earliest memories of dissociating. I am left in a crib and needing comfort because chaos and violence is going on around me. I didn't have any talking skills yet. My idea of comfort wasn't a person (no surprise there) but a baby bottle. I know this because for a few moments, I was that baby again and the image of the bottle flashed in my baby mind with the overwhelming feeling of need. I quickly cycled to a "different" baby and heard my self saying ba-ba, then to "another" baby who whispered "we want a bobble". and yes, she said we.
In real life it was the middle of the night and the mother in me wouldn't allow me to go get what I, the adult wanted which was a bottle from the liquor cabinet. WTF just happened?
I called good old Eddie and he came to my rescue, curled up next to me as I pet him and hummed to myself, giving those babies the comfort I could until we all fell asleep.

I share this because it was a real eye opener for me. Neglect, witnessing violence and emotional abuse is traumatic and causes dissociation, which can change how the brain works and the world perceived permanently. It is not damaged or abnormal by this change but it does work differently. I'm not talking about babies who are diagnosed with damage to the brain and can't develop. But babies who walk, talk and learn just as quickly, if not quicker than a baby in a nurturing environment because their survival depends on it.

I often hear people make less of their childhood traumas. Not as bad as.... could have been worse.... at least such and such didn't happen. That is so not the point. If as an adult, someone is in crisis and it is connected to events in their childhood, they need to find a way to validate and comfort that innocent still hurting on the inside. That cannot happen if one makes their experience, less than.
One needs to learn and practice self-compassion and self-love.

@Jemini I'm not saying you are making your experience "less than".

What you wrote just reminded me of what I see all too often.

Alice

btw.... the episode I wrote of took place a couple months ago. While it hasn't happened again, I now have a baby bottle in my night stand drawer which I bought the next day. Would I feel foolish and crazy using it? Damn straight. But better the adult me feel a little foolish than to deny that sweet baby a little comfort.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

one of my earliest memories of dissociating. I am left in a crib and needing comfort

I wish I could remeber before the age of 7 which is where my memory stops. Why? I want to know who took my virginity! I never remember being a virgin.

I havent read your entire post yet, i have to drive home from work then i will but wanted to say that.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

something I had known all of my life. My exact words were 'I would die easily, I don't know why I know that but I do'.

My first thought was you are a survivor and survivors do not die easily. You being here proves it.

Then I thought, that sounds like it might be what I call, "a learned truth" possibly something you were told in such a way and/or often enough that you accepted as truth.

I hope you challenge this. You are a strong. Battle-scarred but what warrior isn't.

Alice

 

[shimmerz]

"a learned truth"

It was strictly biological. At that time I had no idea as to what my past was. I had been fed the standard 'Your birth parents loved you so much that they gave you up.' I believed it with all my heart.

It was all lies. I didn't find out until I was almost 50 that it was not true.

The subconscious knows stuff that is just fascinating but that causes so much conflict in the system.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Under high stress, the sympathetic nervous system goes into over drive ...allows for fight or flight. Once the stress is over, the parasympathetic nervous system helps us come back to calm. In extreme stress with no outlet, like being trapped, the parasympathetic nervous system can actually attempt to override the sympathetic nervous system...both are activated simultaneously, like having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the breaks. This creates the "freeze" response...

Was just rereading the thread, and this popped out at me again. This makes so much sense, in terms of how it feels to be in this state. Also the idea that these two unconscious systems have so much control over us that when they are both activated we are effectively paralyzed says a lot about how much control we ever have. I can see why some of the more cutting edge somatic techniques, aimed at the whole body, could have such strong impacts on reducing symptoms like these. And why intense cardio, yoga, chakra techniques, etc. can help manage / reduce symptoms. I knew these things lowered stress, but never made a connection with toning the autonomic nervous system and PTSD overactivation of same.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My exact words were 'I would die easily, I don't know why I know that but I do'.

Human nature is to survive. I have 28 actual didnt tell anyone suicide attempts to prove that. The body expells pills, even with prescribed anti-nausia meds; you'd turn the wheel of the car when going 90 mph straight for a brick wall; also you turn the car off the road when heading toward on coming traffic, you come up for air in a pool if not chained to the bottom, you'd move or run off the tracks when sitting on a train track when a train is coming (all some of my suicide attempts, most ODs and only a few did i make it to passing out but didnt hide well enough and people found me). I often wonder how Robin Williams faught that himan nature to survive as when i tried to hang myself; before the branch broke; my hands were trying to keep the rope from choking me though that was my intention; therefore if in an emergency situation; like in the middle of a forest fire; your human nature to survive, that almost primal instinct, would kick in and you'd look for saftey no matter how suicidal you are.

 

[Chava]

the idea that these two unconscious systems have so much control over us that when they are both activated we are effectively paralyzed says a lot about how much control we ever have. I can see why some of the more cutting edge somatic techniques, aimed at the whole body, could have such strong impacts on reducing symptoms like these.

Yes, that's really what the somatic approaches are about. Trauma is not a cognitive issue. It is a hindbrain, amygdala, nervous system issue, though it can also create unhelpful thought patterns (I catastrophize), but that's even hard to work with if the nervous system has no way to regulate. Cognitive therapies alone are limited in being able to resolve shock trauma and the dysregulation of the nervous system. We hear about them because they're all that have really been studied consistently. People need to do more research!

 

[Glowlilly]

I've been reading about dissociation, and realizing I have experienced it more than I thought. I am under...

Hi. I'm new here. I have managed DID and ptsd. I learned how to control dissociation by using grounding techniques like holding onto ice cubes or talking to myself and communicating with my altars. I've used a relapse prevention sheet to identify my triggers and find adaptive ways to cope with my fears of both the present and the past (i.e., flashbacks). I've acknowleged my pain and my memories and found ways to contain them and also confront them safely. I've been able to keep favorite things around me to help me stay grounded, such as a teddy bear, a cute decoration on my keychain, a photo of my daughter, important people in speed dial, paper and colored ink for journaling or drawing, and music. I've learned about guided imagery and how a funny or safe book, movie, song, image in artwork, or even a comfy spot in the house can help me stay grounded and in the present. I cathartically express my emotions through art or poetry or researching articles about my condition. I say affirmations like I am strong enough to get through this and I deserve love right now. I hope some of this can be useful. It wasn't easy for me to do this at first. And sometimes it is hard Now when triggers seem to pile up. But holding on to something in the present that you find safe helps. Walking away from the trigger and dealing it when you feel safe to do so at a later time also helps. When avoiding triggers is not possible, finding strength in grounding tools and safety in boundaries and self-confidence can really help to manage feelings of being overwhelmed. Hope this helps.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Chava Yes, yes, and yes!

@GLB That's a lot of suggestions! All sound like good ones. Thanks.

I am wondering about ways to halt or prevent dissociation. That is, when triggered, to ground as quickly as possible. If the perceived danger is gone, I can do things like draw or lay down, or take a walk. But when the perceived danger is still present, I don't know how to ground. Actually I think I'm asking something too general to answer for any one person. But putting it out there, maybe I'm wrong.

 

[shell]

Grounding takes practise, and there are lots of methods that work for some and not for others.

For me feeling my feet on the ground, the contact of my body on the seat, slow my breathing by focusing on the breath, and using all of my senses.

I look around the room, some people use coloured items in the room, and name the items, I listen for the sounds in the room

I tell myself I am safe. Feeling and contacting things is essential for me, touching a soft toy that has beans in it, or something cold.

Mints, ice, water - for taste senses

Smell- something strong smelling, lemons etc.

People who dissociate cut off their connection with the body, for me I had to spend months focusing on the feeling of water on my body in the shower, as I was so out of touch with my body, until then I couldn't ground myself as I couldn't connect at all with my body.

I have issues with feeling pain intruding from the past, body numbing and shutting down feelings, as well as dissociative amnesia, I am told I was addicted to dissociation, it has taken many years to manage my dissociation so that I could learn to feel and connect feelings with the situation it belong to. Dissociation was explained to me as preserving sanity, it enables us to exist and function in an insane situation.

Do a search on this site for grounding, there are lots of suggestions I found helpful.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thanks @shell , will look for grounding threads. Preserving sanity, that sounds right too.