lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
I appologize if this isnt big enough to be posted here. I know this is like for really huge stuff but to me, and my therapist, this is the biggest change in 6 yrs in therapy; and it proved itself today that it was a change. Im gonna have to post some links to other threads for this to make sense to folks, as if you're not following my posts; it just wouldnt make sense as the change happened here. So first; (sorry im posting this all the time) for those whom havent, please read my intro to understand what im trying to heal from (it has holes, one post here will tell of a big one) here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ now after reading that, to answer some very commonly asked questions, im now 34, not married and medically and physically cant have children and my biological father; though physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive and physically and emotionally absent which gave my step father the road in; it was my step father and biological mother whom were my main abusers. My dad is now 74 and well i'll talk about him in a min. So ive been in therapy for over 6 yrs now, in a few months will be the 7 yr marker. The 1st full year; going every week; my therapist didnt know why i was really there. Dr Drew Pinsky (yes the tv Dr on HLN, Loveline radio show, celeberity rehab, 16 and preg, teen mom and teen mom 2, yes that Dr Drew) via a chat gave me the words and courage to tell my therapist why I was really there. So almost 6 yrs of my therapist working with me, ive had some small movements but ended up stuck, for a very long time (about a year, maybe more) due to my therapist challenging what i was made to believe (i deserved it, god told them to, no other child but me deserves it, im different than other people, etc) we would go back and forth, him making me prove my postion, like a courtroom and though i ended up going in a circle but still ended with; it rationally doesnt make sense but still believe it and stuck only being able to feel self anger and self hatred, i couldnt get to any other feeling no matter how hard i tried. I recently (5 or 6 weeks ago ish) learned that my dad really doesnt believe me and due to my mom and step dad having a bon fire the night before i moved out at 18 (though they kept me under control until 19, when i cut contact and still have no contact with her; my step dad died about 6 months ago or so) anyway, its my word against hers, my entire family doesnt believe me and i had thought "well at least i have my dad and step mom" and then to learn he really doesnt believe me sent me reeling (i thought backwards but learned in the last few weeks it wasnt, it was a different road), then felt deep inside, not sure why or where it came from, that i had to grieve my child self, whom is still very much still with me. I thought closer to xmas i would be able to but sat at a white screen so instead posted this: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-do-i.58252/ and took in all the replies and over the next few weeks i thought very hard about this and came to a conclusion, my self anger and self hatred is the THICK chocolate coating on a chocolate coated candy, the candy in the middle being the rest of my emotions so how does one get the choclate off to get to the candy? Shed it, break it, etc but had to ask myself what am i so angry at? What is the one biggest thing? I came up with two, thus the title, but this is the only one i left out of my intro, was too ashamed of it to include it, and only my therapist knew; posted that here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-start-of-grieving-little-me-1-of-2-reasons-im-a-monster.58415/ (sorry to hop people to different posts but its the only way to understand the "big" thing that happened, since it happened here). This post had 3 reasons; to make my most guarded tightly kept secert; that only my therapist knew of but without details, simi-public, to allow the feelings that may come (self anger and self hatred and shame in the beggining of the post turned to pain in the middle and my therapist says thats big), to then to read it outloud and talk about in depth the event with my therapist without running from whatever emotions came; which i did yesterday. Today i was trigger by a parade, posted here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/why-...iggering-holiday-have-to-be-triggering.58441/ and i had to reply to my own thread after re-reading it for typos, didnt even realize how big what i said was until i re-read it "i feel anxiety and hurt"...HURT! Not anger, not hatered, hurt. This is the very first time in my life that by being triggered and being reminded of my past didnt being self anger and self hatred, i identified with pain....FINALLY! Now do i still have a TON of self anger and self hatred? Yes, but its the first time i can see, very clearly large movements in therpy. I stopped in the PTSD sourcebook about 6 months ago at the Recovery part, before it, because right before it, it talks about identifying feelings, let them move through you, watch them pass, and go deeper and i couldnt do it no matter how hard i tried self anger/rage and self hatred was the only feeling i could get to. Now that, by challenging everything i believe, my core beliefs, and becoming more self aware, i just put a big crack in that choclate coating of self anger and self hatred and i learned that yesterday's session with my therapist and weeks leading to it wasnt wasted or lost, it stuck! Now hopefully i can slowly become more and more less stuck and finally unbrainwash myself!
With some sad music off the tv so well placed at the end of this thread from the end of Criminal Minds "i dont wanna be alone, be alone be alone..." and a quote "Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they're already asleep" ~ H Jackson Brown Jr. Makes me wanna cry; see, it stuck!
With some sad music off the tv so well placed at the end of this thread from the end of Criminal Minds "i dont wanna be alone, be alone be alone..." and a quote "Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they're already asleep" ~ H Jackson Brown Jr. Makes me wanna cry; see, it stuck!
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