Ptsd Relastionship Early Shut Out

[Boosted135i]

Maybe she taught you some things, but she didn't change you. You changed you.

You may have done he...

I don't know. The things she wanted me to change weren't personality traits. We got along like peas and carrots. I made her laugh and laugh and laugh. She made me feel cool, like I had a friend that I had been looking for. I had something to look forward to. I enjoyed being a good guy to a good girl. I thought she was just wanting me to be the best version of me. I did things for her to show her that I cared about her. I wanted to surprise her and make her feel good. It's the first time in a while I actually wanted a relationship. Historically I'm very selfish.. But when I find someone that I connect with, I'm selfless.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

She actually may like bad boys for some deeper psychological reason.. she was attracted to you even though she requested change. Its her issue.. let it go. She does not know what she wants. Count your blessings, don't try to get into her head.. She has enough on her plate trying to get it together if you being in the bathroom to long causes a melt down right.. just let it go.

 

[Boosted135i]

I am not sure about your personal social network, but we all need people I think we can be real with an...

I know it's somewhat of a moot point.. But can you speak to how someone with PTSD views their (ex) partner after something like this happens? Am I a villain to be ridiculed to pacify her decision? Am I someone who was wonderful to her who she ultimately felt undeserving of? Here comes the selfish part of me.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you need to stop obsessing. That is what you're doing, obsessing. And I think it's safe to say that you should back off for good; I'm not sure her behavior has anything to do with PTSD. It sounds like she might honestly want to be alone. So if you keep analyzing her and asking yourself all these questions, you'll drive yourself crazy. I think you make the same mistake that many people who come on this forum make -- attributing everything she does to her PTSD. I understand you are not familiar with PTSD, so it's not a bad thing, but I think many others on here would agree with me that there is nothing in her behavior to suggest it's all caused by PTSD, especially if this all happened in a month. What I will say is that people who've suffered any kind of abuse or trauma can at times act impulsively and get romantically involved just as a form of escape. I've done it myself repeatedly. I never did it to hurt anyone, but to try to make myself feel normal and remind myself I was capable of intimacy and certain emotions. But I was lying to myself and lying to the people I got involved with, and I wasn't sincere in the slightest. So, you should be prepared for the possibility that she won't view you as anything at all after this has happened; this may have meant much more to you than it did to her. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, i have no idea, but you should at least consider it. She may have opened up to you just because she needed to open up in general and you let her do that, not because she actually saw a future with you. Who knows. The best thing you can do now is try to let it go.

 

[Boosted135i]

I think you need to stop obsessing. That is what you're doing, obsessing. And I think it's safe to say...

So you're of the opinion that self-serving a need for escape by hurting someone else is just an "oh well, didn't mean much to me" moment? That's an excuse. And I find it to be an immature one. At the end of the day, we're all adults. If you're not ready for a relationship, you don't do the exact opposite and seek someone out because you're unhappy with your reality. That's wrong. And it can deeply hurt someone. Someone who genuinely cares for you.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I understand you are looking for closure and are confused. I can't tell you what is in her head- but if you offer her respect and walk away I can tell you she can deal with her own issue without interference. If you stay you add to her stress load and it will be resented. As a person who has dealt with some mockery issues I understand it can be difficult to accept the statement that - its none of our business what others think of us. We should be strong and not base our self worth on others opinions. Try some breathing exercises I just read about them to assist myself in not getting angry in certain situations. ( I am working on quitting smoking.. so this triggers me to want to smoke) They recommended focusing on a full exhale of breath. And repeating it. (My guess is she is learning about herself and what she wants.. my guess she is thinking less about you and more about herself, what made her behave this way or that) But if you push her she may project some nasty things on it so just walk away. Sometimes letting go is hard, do not look for your validation in her. Find your strength in yourself. Look for solutions. Endulge in your hobbies and what brings you joy. Pets are wonderful. Try those breathing exercises and some visualization to pull yourself out of a rut if there is a bit of depression. Create yourself.. if and when you find the right person it can only help, but even there do not lose yourself in it, or chose someone who expects you too. It will lead to regret. Exercise does help with depression and there may be a twinge if you are finding motivation a difficult thing on your own. God bless and good luck. --I am saying we are all learning personally. People do there best, I am sure you did. She may have some anger over her choice, and you may as well. It happened. Set boundaries ..next time this may not happen. Have to cruz..

 

[Boosted135i]

I understand you are looking for closure and are confused. I can't tell you what is in her head- but if...

Thank you for that. I have two yellow Labrador retrievers who greatly ease my stress. However, a stressful time in my family life coupled with a stressful time with this experience makes me demoralized. I don't care about understanding. I care about how people treat each other. I want to be treated well, because I treat others well. I understand there are caveats and some people are dealing with a pain that I cannot wrap my mind around. It really hurts. The poor thing is so precious. She's so lost and so wonderful at the same time. No use in running in circles. Thank you all for your support; it really means a lot. I'll update if anything positive happens. Until then, I'll keep educating myself on how to support those suffering and how to bring a positive result to a relationship such as this one.

 

[Casey_03]

So you're of the opinion that self-serving a need for escape by hurting someone else is just an "oh...

There's really no need to get defensive. That's not what I said at all. If you're trying to be understanding of PTSD and this girl's issues, then you'd have understood my message. My point was not that this behavior is acceptable, but that it is relatively common. People who do this don't see it as hurting the other person -- they don't think that far ahead, which is why I used the word impulsive. It's a way to escape pain and -- again, if you had read my feedback more closely -- it's often just self-deception. I'm not saying people knowingly decide to do this, I'm saying they often lie to themselves in the process. I know many people who have done this other than myself, and it's something they realize they have done only later. Likewise, I've had the same done to me. It's naive to think that people don't do this just because it doesn't fit your view of how the world should be.

If you're not ready for a relationship, you don't do the exact opposite and seek someone out because you're unhappy with your reality.

Actually, many people do just this. Loads of people, actually. Not all relationships are healthy, or successful, or started for the right reasons. In an ideal world, yes, you're right -- no one should do this. But they do, all the time. I'm just trying to tell you scenarios to be aware of. I have seen so many people post on this forum with similar problems and they always get hooked to this idea that all the negative behavior was just from the PTSD and beneath that behavior is love and warmth -- sometimes that is true, but other times the person they are posting about was simply confused or caught in an emotional mess and hurting someone (unknowingly) in the process. That's a reality for all people, but it's common for victims of trauma or abuse. I hope that your situation is different and I am wrong, I really do. But I'm genuinely just trying to open your mind up to this possibility and reality. You keep obsessing over what you may have done wrong or how she will think of you -- the fact of the matter is, this probably had nothing to do with you at all. She might just not be in a place for a relationship.

 

[Boosted135i]

There's really no need to get defensive. That's not what I said at all. If you're trying to be understa...

Thanks for further explanation; and I apologize for the defensive post. I should have rephrased. I'm just curious about the processing of these emotions. She knows she hurt me. And she even stated it was really hurting her to tell me to go away. She expressed guilt over the fact that she's unhealthy and I deserve someone healthy, someone who I don't have to worry about, etc... Is this guilt ridden behavior common in sufferers? Does their struggling to cope with their trauma bleed over into them feeling unworthy of happiness?

 

[Casey_03]

I would say guilt and shame are the main things many sexual abuse victims feel, in all situations. It's not necessarily due to struggling to cope, it's more like an imprint left by the original trauma(s). Honestly, she herself may have no idea why she pushed you away, it may have just been an instinct. How old is she and has she gotten any treatment or therapy? When I was very young, probably 16-25 or so, and before I had really processed my traumas, my first reaction after getting close to anyone was to feel utter disgust and have to cut them off completely. It was like a cocktail of disgust, fear and panic. I never really understood why I felt that way until much much later. There are a million different things that could have motivated her to act the way she did and a million different things going through her head now. It's refreshing to see that you are sincerely trying to understand her issues, but don't count on getting any clear-cut answer that will immediately give you closure. For now, I'd say definitely leave her alone. Maybe she will come around later when she's sorted stuff out. But if the relationship had continued as it was now, it likely would've been very unhealthy and doomed to fail, judging by what you've described here. So maybe some distance really is for the best, and if she does come around later, you might have better chances of it working out.

 

[Boosted135i]

I would say guilt and shame are the main things many sexual abuse victims feel, in all situations. It's...

She's in her late 20's now. She has attended therapy sessions. She kept justifying her decision to walk away by saying "my physicians, my family, and my friends all said I can't be in a relationship." I never got to ask the question but I wanted to ask "what is it that YOU want."

And I do really want to learn about what drives her to be the way she is because she is absolutely amazing. Despite the falling down that has happened in the past week, I'm still head over heels for her. She's truly the apple of my eye. I haven't connected with someone like I have with her in a decade. I know it's pretty much a lost cause at this point, but who knows. All I know is, if given the opportunity, I'd give it another shot 110%.

 

[Casey_03]

Well, the main thing now is to give her time and space. If you don't, there would definitely be no chance of things ever working out in the future. Good luck.