Advice On Boundaries

[shimmerz]

if you call me at home then I'm no longer your friend. But this is a boundary you don't want to enforce because you want to be her friend.

Yes, and this is what I need to be very careful of when I move forward in setting boundaries. I cannot set the Y to be something that I won't follow through on. Really great point. Thank you @ghotiff. Jeez, I wished I had learned this as a kid. Picking it up at 50+ years old is not an easy task.

I mean that, given that your friend seems not to hear your stated boundaries,

Yes, and although this is disturbing to me, it isn't a deal breaker. Yet. It gets me all fired up but that is my issue, not hers.

Thanks so very much everyone. I really appreciate your input. :hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

Picking it up at 50+ years old is not an easy task.

Picking it up at all is something many never do. From the outside, it may even look like cruel passive aggression toward her, when you might actually be clarifying something important for her to learn too. You are being a good friend.

 

[ghotiff]

passive aggression

This really stood out for me and I had to go research the definition of passive aggression to be sure.

My understanding is that passive aggression comes when you don't state your boundary but instead put aggressive consequences "y" in without the friend clearly knowing you don't like "x"

Once a friend has been explained to about how you don't like "x" then it is definitely not passive aggressive to walk away.

 

[shimmerz]

Two more emails about this very subject from my friend. Today was more 'overt'. 3 times she said 'I will call you from home tonight, tell me what time I can call you'. So, my original plan of letting sleeping dogs lie (which they weren't really) was blown to hell.

My response:
"I meant what I said about not calling you at home. Please don't ask again. I love the two of you (her and her husband) but will NOT do this, as I stated before."

Haven't heard from her again.

And I think to myself, she is so pushy about this..... has this been going on for the last 40 years with her and I? Have I really changed that much that I am recognizing a behaviour that has been longstanding in our relationship?

Anyway, I just wanted to update.

 

[stillstanding2]

"I meant what I said about not calling you at home. Please don't ask again. I love the two of you (her and her husband) but will NOT do this, as I stated before."

Terrific! Not sure, but I suspect her pushiness has in fact been there all along. She has an agenda she wants to involve you in, and you know it's not good for you. I'm so glad you stood your ground.

 

[ghotiff]

she is so pushy

Have I really changed that much

She has likely always been pushy, and you likely have typically backed down. When creating a new dynamic between friends (eg, you holding your ground) you will likely need to gently hold it, but firmly and for a long time. Change takes time, even for normals :)