Do You Have An Inner Soother? I Knew About Inner Critics But Not Inner Soothers!

[Mit]

Perhaps another perspective on self soothing vs inner soothing.....

I self sooth by doing something that is, in effect harmful, it's embarrassing to describe, but I could liken it to self harm (which is an attempt to self sooth so I understand).

So perhaps 'inner soothing' is always constructive, whereas self soothing can be constructive or destructive?

 

[Tinyflame]

Taking the implicit understanding that self-soothing is in a healthy form (versus self-harming), I'm not sure if it's the same as an 'inner soother', but I did hear a podcast some time ago wherein a very brilliant (I think), well-educated in the field doctor said there is evidence that some people with different brain wiring are unable as it were to self-sooth, & have difficult visualizing, & difficulties with emotional regulation. (Nothing to do with DID). He was explaining something that overlaps with ptsd a lot (not related but in terms of challenges), but the difference is developmental, & of course there are other differences. I am fairly 'brain dead' atm & can't recall exactly what he said or what to do about it, so I best find it again. But I do recall feeling a lot of shock & less self-blame or hopelessness, that not only experiences or attitude or effort can affect this but possibly biology/ neurology. Because to the extent I know & remember I always lacked it. Also, it makes me wonder if it could contribute to less resilience/ increased chance of developing ptsd? (Nature + Nurture?)

Anyway sorry to ramble & say nothing! I will try to find out what he said to do about it, because he seems to have practical ideas. If nothing else maybe we can remember that all that needs to be known is not known yet, & to cut ourselves a bit of slack while working on brainstorming these such things. :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

I have been trying to do this in a way by using this website on Self Compassion http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

Thank you very much for sharing this website :-) Her voice is very compassionate and kind in these meditations.

 

[ms spock]

I see Self Harm as Self Harm - and different to Self Soothing or Developing an Inner Soother.

Self Soothing is necessarily what calms the amygdala down and lets you be kind to yourself.

Self Harm might assist in managing really hard event/emotions but it is maladaptive. So it might help you by splitting off to manage something - so it can be useful for keeping you alive as a child say - for me suicidal ideation began at age 8 - to manage living with my parents - but that is not self soothing - though it allowed me to manage to be alive.

Self Soothing is always positive - Self harm might let you manage but it is not in your long term best interests.

 

[shimmerz]

"Do You Have An Inner Soother?" "Are you developing an Inner Soother?"

Learning how to self soothe as an infant/toddler/child, I think, would lead to a sound Inner Soother that would take up more neural click time than my inner critic. I also would not have had to work so hard at recognizing that not everybody has an internal critic that screams incessantly at themselves day in and day out (sometimes 24/7).

However, I do believe I had an Inner Soother to begin with. It took a ton to get it to come out. I noticed the Inner Soother only when I was putting my life at risk in a BIG way. Here's how it worked....

When I feel threatened in a house I run out in the freezing cold to drop in a ditch and presumably die. In the heat I run to the car. No idea why. But here is what happens in my brain while I am looking for safe ditch and then lying there.

Runner part: apparently has certain requirements in a ditch. It must be deep, it must be unnoticeable, it must be somewhere that nobody who knows her will recognize her. (Picture a kid hiding under a table hoping not to be seen)
Ditch Diving part: 'Still. You must be very still. Very quiet. Do not breathe. Do not talk. Still. You must be very still.
Inner Soother part: 'It is okay. You need to get warm honey (yes, honey). You need to go back inside. Let me help you. Let me take you inside and we will get you warm.'
Ditch Diving part: 'I am not cold. Still. You must be very still. Very quiet. Do not breathe. Do not talk. Still. You must be very still.' (This, to me is a program) Also, notice the you's.....not me's or I's....
Then I learned the value of movement during freeze responses (which this was).

Inner Soother part: 'Just move honey. Just move.'
Ditch Diving part: 'I must not move. Still. You must be very still. Very quiet. Do not breathe. Do not talk. Still. You must be very still.'
Inner Soother part: 'It's okay honey, you don't need to move your whole body. Try moving your little pinky finger. Nobody will see you. Just move your pinky finger'

A merging of minds took place at that time. Ditch Diving part trusted Inner Soother part and moved her pinky. This took some time. Then BAM! She knew how to unfreeze herself. However, she still needed her Inner Soother to remind her that she would not be seen if she moved her pinky.

I now ask the Inner Soother for advice if I am 'reacting'. She isn't always available as she isn't always ready with an answer, but when she is, I work with her. I feel like she is a 'part'. My essence so to speak.

Inner Soother part, to me, is the part that knows what needs to be done in order to break the program because she was there when the program was instilled.

Now that ditch diver part no longer freezes, she is in full flight. I expect, after I figure out the flight thing for her I will have to figure out fight. I am still working out how to get access to my Inner Soother for this one. My advice would be (not that anyone asked), if there is even just an inkling of a helping voice while activated, nurture it....work with it.....ask it. It knows.

No idea if this makes sense to anyone but me but posting just in case. This took me forever to figure out (for me) and if it helps anyone not to have to go through years of dangerous acting out, that would be good.

 

[ms spock]

Interesting @shimmerz That sounds more like a part that is good at working things out than a Inner Soother - but that might be the way it works for you. I need not to try endlessly to work things out again and again. I have done that for decades and it doesn't work for me, but that is an interesting take on the "Inner Soother".

 

[ms spock]

The concept of the "Inner Soother" came from Kristin Neff's book on Self Compassion - in case anyone is interested.

 

[Mit]

Self Soothing is always positive - Self harm might let you manage but it is not in your long term best interests.

Thanks for this. A consultant once described what I do as self soothing, but he also said I needed to find a better way to self sooth and after 40 years it's now an ingrained and habitual response. I've tried to replace it with mindfulness activities at times of stress, with very limited success - but it seems one of the best methods, if I could only get better at resisting the urge to self harm. Could mindfulness be a way of developing an inner soother?

 

[Saria]

Thanks for this. A consultant once described what I do as self soothing, but he also said I needed to find a better way to self sooth and after 40 years it's now an ingrained and habitual response. I've tried to replace it with mindfulness activities at times of stress, with very limited success - but it seems one of the best methods, if I could only get better at resisting the urge to self harm. Could mindfulness be a way of developing an inner soother?

Maybe what you do is a strategy to try to self sooth, in the absence of a healthy coping mechanism/inner soother? The one thing that has helped me the most to stop me from self-harm is this "ice dive" dbt technique: http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dial...calm-down-from-extreme-emotions-in-30-seconds

So when I'm overwhelmed it's like I don't have contact with an inner soother at all, so I need to force my parasympathetic nervous system to kick in, to be able to access and make use of the techniques I've gone through with my therapist to self soothe.

I think mindfulness might be a good way of developing an inner soother since mindfulness and compassion goes hand in hand. But for me my inner critic was/is too loud, so I can't really do mindfulness meditations without being bullied from the inside. This exercise has helped me a bit with that, but I still have a long way to go: http://self-compassion.org/exercise-5-changing-critical-self-talk/

I've also used @sun seeker 's suggestion a lot when beginning to develop an inner soother.

I wonder, if you feel an inner soother would help you, could you create one? I know I've said mine just showed up one day, but could you perhaps begin by imagining the most soothing person your mind can invent, as safe as possible in every way you need them to be? And then work on embodying those qualities when you need soothing?

 

[ms spock]

That is a really complex question @Mit. It really depends on the person and their context. No easy answer for that one.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Read this and thought about it. I am not aware that I have an "inner soother". I seem though to have quite a block for self compassion still. Am interested to hear more... as a google search (cursory) got me nowhere. I guess I should have googled the source?

 

[shimmerz]

That sounds more like a part that is good at working things out than a Inner Soother -

Can the inner soother not be a part? One that is nurtured? That you can 'grow'.