Pushing Ppl Away

[BlueDream]

I think it's such a load of crap that pushing ppl out of your life is a symptom of PTSD. (As in a bad symptom)

I think in my personal opinion, ppl with PTSD are not going to live with anyone hurting them, so therefore we protect ourselves by rejecting or not playing along with ppl's crap. I don't have time to play games with my feelings, and if you are not going to respect my feelings, I have no room for you in my life, is my take on pushing ppl away.

How does everyone else feel about the subject?

 

[illusionist]

For me, it was pushing people out of my life who were good for me that was the problem......fear of loving and being loved....a healthy part of living which I was denying myself.

 

[HoosierGal]

I agree with a lot of what you said.

No one really likes to put up with other people's crap. But I think it is especially hard for those of us with PTSD. We've been through enough crap already...why deal with more?

I struggle with this.The problem with PTSD, at least for me, is that when someone hurts my feelings, I automaticaly go into defense mode. My brain sees one hurtful remark or mistake as much bigger and worse than it really is, and I feel threatened.

What I have to make a conscious effort to remember is that at the end of the day, every single person you meet is going to make mistakes,and have their own flaws and issues. Even the best person ever with a heart of gold is going to do or say hurtful things from time to time. I can't let my brain turn everyone into an attacker, or I'll end up sabotaging all of my relationships.

Another thing I have realized in my own relationships is that my PTSD is not easy for other people to live with. Take my bf for example. The man is in his master's program to be a therapist. He works at a mental health hospital. He volunteers at a suicide hotline. He's the most kind, caring, giving, patient, and understanding person I've ever met. Somehow, he sees the best in me, which help *me* see the best in me. And yet...he has still hut my feelings, and I've hurt his. Sometimes he gets stressed out from work or school and says something harsh or hurtful to me. Sometimes I take my PTSD out on him and criticize him too much. To stick together, we've had to learn how to put up with each other's crap, as well as how to apologize and forgive.

I guess the takeaway is that every relationship is going to have its own strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. But if you can find someone with whom you share love, respect, and support, its totally worth it to try to put up with that person's crap...even if your PTSD says other wise.

Obviously that is not easy. Maybe its easier for some people to just be alone. For a long time, I needed to be a alone. Sometimes, I still need to be alone - if only for a few hours. But if you truly desire a relationship, don't give up on finding one. PTSD does not have to be a deal breaker :)

Thats my 2 cents, I'm not relationship or PTSD expert though.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with illusionist. I didn't push away the ones I should have.

In some ways too, though I can't quite explain it correctly, I think tolerating the bad and rejecting the good reinforces what we (I) think we deserve, & enables self-destruct without concern/ interference. Also it's more familiar/ easier to accept. When you're worth nothing/ mean nothing the bar is low.

 

[Teasel]

I'm very good at letting people hurt me. Expert id say,.have recently been pushing people out of my life. My social anxiety has grown so much because Ive been avoiding people. Ive been avoiding people because ive not been able to let go of thre idea that i dont matter to anyone.. but i suspect that might be more to do with me bringing stuff up in thetapy im not sure. And so my fear of them has run riot....

 

[Teasel]

Another thing I realise I really want to work on is my fear of showing any needs. Or speaking up for myself. I can tell myself that Im too talented at attracting people who ignore my needs. But I do it too.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Oh what an infinitely complex topic this is. What about the aspect where, like, you want to be able to set firm limits and boundaries *including*, no, sorry, you do not get to just declare that rules don't apply to you because you are so damaged, so sorry, you may not be in my life... But oh, shit, wait... If I can't tolerate someone else's bad habits and mistakes because of their still healing traumas, then logically, I must be absolutely perfect and free of bad habits and mistakes or everyone should cut me out of their life... But oh crap do I just have to agree to a life-long social contract where everyone is allowed to abuse me because... ackk!!!

I think we are all in a giant body of water. The atman, the collective Mind field. And traumas are like big rocks dropped in our individual ponds, and disturbing the stillness. And we work to find calmness by isolating and closing off the bigger world. And then we re-expose and in meeting others (especially with their own traumas) the stillness is broken and the dissonance that is trauma ripples and it's so confusing who is causing it. And so I see the ultimate goal of true healing as finding harmony with the big Mind, which means reconciling awful things that happened in a way where no one is wrong, no evilness permanently locked away in its own unexamined pool. And to successfully pull that off one almost needs to become a saint. So until then, I am ignoring most of the world around me, just like you ignore the other shoppers in a mall. Not worth the effort, just need to buy some pants. Learning to do this with less animosity is taking time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe we're complicating this? Bl-&-white thinking aside, it's good to run from jerks. That's healthy (even with forgiveness).

You know, a song came on, I sort of recognized it, then it morphed in to covers of a bunch of songs, with conflicting meanings. I thought, WTF? Maybe our minds/ hearts/ souls do that? Maybe we have to find a way to park the constant inner dialogue, thoughts, fears, self-blame, self-critic? To try to live without thinking as much? (Though that seems horribly (horribly horribly) counter-intuitive versus past experiences, & hypervigilance = being necessary & a minimum for survival/ safety?)

 

[illusionist]

Being hurt by someone meant them showing their true feelings towards me.....showing kindness, understanding etc meant manipulation, covering up true intentions....only to show their true colours after I'd been emotionally ' snared '.

 

[Crow]

I completely relate to what @Junebug and @illusionist are saying. If someone treated me well and with kindness, then they were doing it to get something from me or hurt me in the future. If someone treated me badly, that felt familiar and comfortable and reinforced how I thought I should be treated. So I ended up pushing the healthy people out of my life.

 

[Friday]

I don't consider telling an asshole I don't want in my life, to f*ck off, pushing people away.

Pushing people away, IME:

The people I love best // Burning Bridges
- Leaving them, often moving thousands of miles or changing countries.
- Not contacting them (in person, phone, email), often for years or longer.
- Shutting them out even when right in front of me, not talking/listening/being a part of their lives even while we share air, much less allowing them into mine.
- Sabotage, deliberately making someone hate me
- Blowing up at them, pushing boundaries to miles past boundaries
- Straight up telling them to leave me to asking/warning them to leave me
- Not trusting them, even though they've given me no cause

The people I could have loved // I will never know
- Welcome to a thousand variations of the 10' pole, 100' wall, moat with crocodiles... As in Not Welcome. Go. Away.
- Isolation (doesn't even give someone the chance to swim the moat, climb the wall, and dodge the pole).

The people I could never love / like / respect
- No risk of hurting someone I care about? Equals these are the people I have surrounded myself with.
- Added bonus of their presence pushes other people I could love / like / respect away.

^^^
I'm working really, really hard not to do this crap, and it's exhausting.

The more I care about someone? The less I want them to have to put up with someone like me. I am trying really, really hard to let other people make their own choices, even if that choice is me, and I think they're stupid for it. They have the right to make stupid choices in their life.

 

[Chava]

I have a little different take. I do push people away but I don't have conflicts or "crap" to put up with. I actually have pretty friendly connections. I more just don't even get close. And if I do I kind of back away in a sneaky nobody-will-notice-I-left way. In the few cases where I tried to allow a close relationship, I sabotaged it...not in a messy way. I just became a little more secretly eating disordered, obviously reclusive, impossible to connect with, and was kindly dumped.

When there is conflict or "crap" it usually has a two-way street (maybe not in every case). I've had some closer relationships with difficult people but it was me that didn't find working on the relationship worth it. And sure, some people I just had to have boundaries with or leave. But for the most part I'm an avoider. It has to do with staying under-whelmed. I also don't get much from social support. I grew up feeling most safe, and even most "real", when I was left alone. So I don't have the conflict part, I just don't feel safe even getting into relationships. I'm working on that very slowly because it feels alien to me, scary, not usually even worth it, and I'm well aware I also don't want to hurt others (make false starts and then disappear, like I do...).