Pushing Ppl Away

[Philippa]

Great thread. I want to participate but it's late and I'm really sleepy and not quite ready to give my input here, as it's still quite fresh with the last person who pushed me away and I also kicked him out...with very good reason. Aaah...' love.' Self preservation is a wonderful thing...that's all I will say right now.

 

[desiderata310]

The people I love best // Burning Bridges

I am in the midst of doing this.
ESPECIALLY this one:

- Not trusting them, even though they've given me no cause

Right/wrong. f*ck it all just get the f*ck away from me. I know I'm doing it. I hate everything about myself. I f*cking want to die but I haven't found the balls to truthfully follow through. So I'm making it easier to do by telling everyone to go jump in a f*cking lake.

The people I could have loved // I will never know

Not entirely sure I'm doing this but I could be. I've quit trying to join things. I have. I know that I tried for a long time and when I was painfully unsuccessful? I became exhausted at the effort. I settled in and accepted not having a support group.

I'm the queen pushing people away. Want to know more? Just ask. Of course, I may ask you to go f*ck yourself. It's hard to say and depends on the day.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How does everyone else feel about the subject?

I second @FridayJones ! Thats called boundry setting.

Now pushing ppl away im a master at and i think its more of a BPD thing than anything; "leave them before they can leave me". But setting a boundry to avoid being hurt, trampled on, etc...thats just setting a boundry or boundries.

 

[candor]

I struggle with this.The problem with PTSD, at least for me, is that when someone hurts my feelings, I automaticaly go into defense mode. My brain sees one hurtful remark or mistake as much bigger and worse than it really is, and I feel threatened.

Boy can I relate to this. And if you are both hardwired to "hear it " a lot much worse than it really is, things escalate quickly. We are going to try a new strategy. We have already been making process by saying "Thank-you" That is our code word for "switch topic or I leave". Its is very effective. However, we don't use it as often as we would like and we end up getting really hurt and pushing each other away. Its more of a constant push pull. So I have suggested that we also use "ouch" as code for "This is tolerable but stings. Be careful." We are still way too unaware of what triggers and hurts and too afraid to say so.

The main drawback to pushing away someone you love and loves you back is that you simply don't get that "sometimes needed feedback" that only those close to you can give. Maybe that's the whole point of not getting close so that you can continue to just see yourself as you want to and not allow anyone else to change that point of view.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Boy can I relate to this. And if you are both hardwired to "hear it " a lot much worse than it really is,...

Or how about doing DMT to learn how to better manage your emotions, distress toleance, and triggers?

Im going through a DMT workbook now, not even that far into it and its helping.

Im very good at pushing away people before they can hurt me but its not their job to not hit my triggers, its my job to identify those triggers and work on them. In my opinion anyway.

What the OP is discribing, though, in my opinion is not pushing away loved ones, its setting boundries for those that hurt us.

Just my 2 cents for what its worth. :)

 

[Backcountry]

I don't consider telling an asshole I don't want in my life, to f*ck off, pushing people away.

RE:

Pushing people away, IME:

The people I love best // Burning Bridges
- Leaving them, often moving thousands of miles or changing countries.
- Not contacting them (in person, phone, email), often for years or longer.
- Shutting them out even when right in front of me, not talking/listening/being a part of their lives even while we share air, much less allowing them into mine.
- Sabotage, deliberately making someone hate me
- Blowing up at them, pushing boundaries to miles past boundaries
- Straight up telling them to leave me to asking/warning them to leave me
- Not trusting them, even though they've given me no cause

PICK ONE PERSON THAT YOU HAVE SHUNNED. CONTACT THEM. SIT DOWN AND HAVE COFFEE. YOU MIGHT BE VERY SURPRISED TO FIND THAT THE BRIDGE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE MAINTENANCE.

The people I could have loved // I will never know
- Welcome to a thousand variations of the 10' pole, 100' wall, moat with crocodiles... As in Not Welcome. Go. Away.
- Isolation (doesn't even give someone the chance to swim the moat, climb the wall, and dodge the pole).

I LOVE YOUR ANALOGIES. WE CAN ALL RELATE. WE ALL NEED THE MOAT BUT WHEN THAT GREAT GUY/GIRL OR POTENTIAL BEST FRIEND IS IN THEIR LITTLE BOAT BEATING OFF THE CROCODILES AND SHOUTING UP TO YOU 'I'M COMING! HOLD ON! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! RAISE THE GATE!' RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR YOU BECAUSE THEY FEEL YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. TAKE A MOMENT AND SAY TO YOURSELF, WOW AND LET THAT GOOD FEELING SINK IN TO ALL THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES OF YOUR VERY SOUL.

The people I could never love / like / respect
- No risk of hurting someone I care about? Equals these are the people I have surrounded myself with.

WHY?

- Added bonus of their presence pushes other people I could love / like / respect away.

YOU SHOULD CHALK THIS CATEGORY UP TO FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION. IF YOU FEEL A TRUE RED FLAG, SEND THEM PACKING. YOUR INTUITION WILL NEVER STEER YOU WRONG.

^^^

I'm working really, really hard not to do this crap, and it's exhausting.

HELLO??? HAVE YOU READ WHAT YOU WROTE?
YOU'RE ARE EXHAUSTED BECAUSE YOU'VE DONE ALL THE HARD WORK ALREADY, SILLY! YOU HAVE LITERALLY SPELLED OUT WHAT YOU DO AND THAT YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING ABOUT IT ALL WRONG. YOU HAVE TOLD US ALL HOW YOU CATEGORIZE PEOPLE AND HOW YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T. THIS IS IMPRESSIVE STUFF HERE! YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS IMPLEMENT THE OUTLINE YOU WROTE ABOVE. YES, IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE. THE HARD PART IS PROMISING YOURSELF YOU'LL KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND THEN FOLLOWING THROUGH. WHEN YOU DO, IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, BUT LITERALLY PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK. CALL YOURSELF BY NAME AND TELL YOURSELF YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

The more I care about someone? The less I want them to have to put up with someone like me. I am trying really, really hard to let other people make their own choices, even if that choice is me, and I think they're stupid for it. They have the right to make stupid choices in their life.

HERE COMES THE HARSH PART...YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY SOMEONE ELSES'S FEELINGS. REMEMBER, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE HERE; BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE YOURS AWAY DID. IF SOMEONE LOVES YOU, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND I THINK YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT PERSON WITH A FLAIR FOR ORGANIZATION. :) Let someone help you help yourself.

 

[Ronin]

Bridges maintenance & what is essential not only isn't invisible to the eye, but comes in caps just when needed.

Thanks for the laugh & wisdom, @Backcountry.

 

[Angus]

Fu.........k lol. That's how I feel. I am at a stage where F everyone. And it sucks and it's lonely, but I feel protected....but it hurts. Deep. It is a load of crap, but it's the only mechanism we know how to use to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable. So at this point, I have to trust myself that this is what I need to be safe. Even if it is lonely and hurts.

I think it's such a load of crap that pushing ppl out of your life is a symptom of PTSD. (As in a bad...

 

[Angus]

Agree 100%. As I am reading more and more, although we all suffer from the same thing, we are so I touch with reality that it is Fing scary. We are smart, educated or not. And it so funny how on here we can express every emotion but in real life, we are anti social, recluses, agoraphobic. It's sad really because we all have so much to give to this world. We just aren't ready, and neither is the world.

Oh what an infinitely complex topic this is. What about the aspect where, like, you want to be able to se...

 

[candor]

I think it's such a load of crap that pushing ppl out of your life is a symptom of PTSD. (As in a bad...

If it makes you feel better not to think of it as as a symptom don't. Behaviours are called symptoms when they get in the way of functioning in a normal way. Take any symptom and we often find that symptoms to be a part of the human condition as in "we all push people away".

Regarding Push/pull: The argument I hear the most on this forum and from the guy that pushes me away is "I need this to survive" which sounds a bit different to "I want this in order to feel better". So regardless of how it makes me feel, I choose to trust that there is a real need for it. If it feels like manipulation or cruelty I can always bail.

it's the only mechanism we know how to use to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable.

I have no doubt of that but I seriously doubt that its the best solution out there. Disconnection hurts us all deeply. Learn to reach out just enough so that you are doing your part to get better. I know I have had to learn to let go even if it keeps me awake with sorrow.

"we all have so much to give to this world. We just aren't ready, and neither is the world.

Angus, you are already changing the world by just posting. I always did things this world was not ready for if they did not hurt anyone. Just give ...ready or not. We are all vulnerable and we are all hurting.

 

[Deleted member 32655]

I think it's such a load of crap that pushing ppl out of your life is a symptom of PTSD. (As in a bad...

Such apt words. Well said & thank you. Just crying at the moment as i have barely "anyone" left. And I just thought "it's the PTSD & me over-protecting myself & being on (magnified) guard". But you're RIGHT it's not PTSD, it's that, like you, I have standards & I won't have people who aren't good enough in my life.

I'll dry my tears now & pat myself on the back. You should too, thank you :)

 

[candor]

Such apt words. Well said & thank you. Just crying at the moment as i have barely "anyone" left....

Poppy wishing you the courage and desire to fill your world with those more deserving of your time. Networks can be replaced with better ones.