Repressed Memories? Or What?

[Sunny6]

Hi! I hope what I'm trying to ask here doesn't come across as confusing but, I fear that I have repressed memories of sexual abuse.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, MDD, anxiety, and BPD. The main reason for my diagnosis of PTSD is that when I was younger I witnessed the murder scene of my father within my own home committed by someone close in the family (along with my Mom being physically/emotionally abusive towards me, though that's another story). Besides this, I'm afraid there might be something more from my past. Bear with me.

A memory that I always think back to is when me laying on my bed when I was about 7 with my sister who was 2 years older than me. I don't remember how I got there or how I felt at the time (very blurry), but I have images of touching each other's genitals. I'm not even sure if what happened classifies as sexual abuse because I engaged in the behavior as well. Sometimes I'm not even sure it even happened. I feel like there's more to it though. What bothers me is that as I was growing up I displayed things that may be related to me being sexually abused. I remember once when I was sleeping over with another family member who was older than me (like in his 30s) when I was 9, I was very sexual and lifted up my shirt while he was putting me to bed and was disappointed when he didn't engage sexually with me. I used to want older men to do sexual things with me and fantasized of it A LOT. I used to go into my backyard and stripped myself of my clothes and imagined a grown man touching me although I was only 8. As I grew older though, I became more fearful that men would touch/hurt me instead. I went into a deep depression when I was about 14 and was extremely irritable/outbursts of anger around people. Whenever my mom's boyfriend or my brother came close to me the anger would come out and I'd scream "Don't touch me!". The thought of them putting their hands on me made me so angry. I would never allow my brother to even sit next to me in the car. I never wore skirts/dresses/shorts because I didn't want anyone to look at my body in fear/anger that people would imagine doing things to me. I was extremely sensitive to people touching me. Or when I watched TV shows with displays of rape/molestation in it with other people in the room with me it got me extremely angry as well, almost on a personal level. I don't know if that's just because I'm a girl though?

I'm just very confused whether all of this is related to what my sister did although I don't think I have any strong emotions tied to that event, only when I think of someone else possibly hurting me sexually. Or maybe I was really sexual because my Mom used to put on movies that had explicit scenes of sex in it? I feel like there's something I'm not remembering but I just don't know! It's frustrating me bad, but I'm being careful not to force anything to the point where I make things up in my head. Whenever I attempt to think of whatever might be under the surface though the same anger erupts.

I don't know, I'm just really looking for someone else's insight on what my behavior may be connected to. Sorry if this is confusing. Thanks.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A memory that I always think back to is when me laying on my bed when I was about 7 with my sister who was 2 years older than me. I don't remember how I got there or how I felt at the time (very blurry), but I have images of touching each other's genitals.

I also have a memory of 6 or younger that i cant quite get to, though dont know if i wanna.

This though, a 9 yr old touching a 7 yr old is sexual acting out, likely due to something she had experienced; if it happened.

Have you asked your sister?

I have memories of my brother doing stuff but he doesnt remember & i also have drawn things i shouldnt know at 8 & 9 & my brother found it, also doesnt remember. He's supressed a lot of memories.

Def dont push yourself as ive experienced false memories before (the act of it happened but whom did it was mixed up in my head) and it took a long time to figure it out. Also can lead to a lot more emotional termoil than needed.

Are you in therapy?

 

[Anarchy]

I'll second not going searching for memories. And also getting a T if you haven't already got one.

I really don't know where childhood curiosity ends, and where possible acting out begins.

I've read ( Judith Herman, trauma and recovery) of a child who had no conscious memory of a former baby sitter, or of CSA. But when given two anatomically correct dolls, acted out the scenes recorded in a video made by the babysitter.

I've also seen pictures drawn for therapists, by people, depicting their relationship to their families, showing things that the person claimed they didn't know where it came from.

It's a very wierd area.

 

[Chava]

I always think back to is when me laying on my bed when I was about 7 with my sister who was 2 years older than me. I don't remember how I got there or how I felt at the time (very blurry), but I have images of touching each other's genitals. I'm not even sure if what happened classifies as sexual abuse because I engaged in the behavior as well.

I would not call that abuse. I did this as well, along with a couple friends (roughly around the same age). If it were a much older sibling forcing you, that's a different story. But I understand it's still confusing. My "play" was a little abnormal and I personally feel it was "acting out" or what my therapist considered a type of mastery or gaining control (not saying over someone else, but really my own body)...but that could have even been in response to my physical abuse or medical trauma. Acting out is not always so literal for kids. Often it is literal, but it's also not uncommon to go for general mastery in seemingly unrelated ways (or ways in which the connection is there but less obvious).

Anyway, I'd leave that out as possible abuse/trauma, but consider it as a possible symptom for you and/or your sister. Some sex play is totally normal. Sort of depends on what you were doing. But I'm also just giving you an outsider's take with the info you've presented, so take it all with a grain of salt and see if anything fits.

I feel like there's more to it though. What bothers me is that as I was growing up I displayed things that may be related to me being sexually abused

That would seem like a reasonable concern. You have a lot of pieces. Were you afraid when your sister and you were doing that stuff? I don't think that would connect to the other stuff you are describing with older men. I'd also be cautious about trying to assign any meaning. Just focus on here-and-now living and responding well to your own symptoms. Pieces might slowly fit over time. I still have pieces out there. I was also a weirdly over-sexed kid.

The older men thing... I don't know, but that could even relate to your dad being murdered. If your mom was physically abusive and you got close with your sister sexually (even if just "play" or some kind of possible acting out), you might have had a smaller or slightly confused sense of "closeness". I'm NOT trying to get all Freud on you. That's not it. But I think I have some of this stuff myself. Connection-closeness-harm-pain all gets a little jumbled up. I did not have much safe, soothing, caring closeness. I went right for just having sex with people, no relationship.

But I'm not going to get into my stuff... will just say the childhood stuff can be really complicated. Maybe you were sexually abused, maybe not. But for sure you had other trauma, and your dad also hurt you badly (however involuntarily...it traumatized you and he abandoned you, leaving you with only an abusive mom)...and I'm wondering how your dad plays into some of what you are describing, more than your sister, even though he is gone. ??? You don't have to answer if not helpful or doesn't make sense.

Are you working with a therapist?

 

[Sunny6]

I also have a memory of 6 or younger that i cant quite get to, though dont know if i wanna.

T...

I have never asked my sister about what happened out of fear and shame. I am certain she remembers it though. That's interesting to hear that it may be from something that she might have experienced herself. It is a possibility, but she seems to be coping well in life and has no known mental health problems like I do. I'm starting to think it may have been just out of curiosity since we were both exposed to sexual stuff on TV, maybe?

I'm currently in a partial hospital program so I don't have an actual therapist, but hopefully will start working with one in two months.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[Sunny6]

I would not call that abuse. I did this as well, along with a couple friends (roughly around the same age)...

Thank you very much for clarifying that it was not abuse. I was quite confused about that. I was not afraid of her during the time, so I think you are right. It wasn't forced either. I appreciate your advice on not focusing on my past symptoms and trying to assign meaning. I wrote all of this because I suddenly was very wound up on trying to remember certain things which created intense frustration. I'll definitely just start focusing on the now.

About the older men part, the odd thing about it is that I had some of those feelings even before he was murdered (going outside and stripping). Though, it did intensify afterwards especially because I think I felt abandoned by both my Dad and Mom if that makes sense. So maybe if what you're describing is trying to fill that void, that definitely puts many things in perspective for me and makes a bit more sense. Thank you.

As stated before, I'm currently in a partial hospital program so I don't have an actual therapist, but hopefully will start working with one in two months. :-)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm starting to think it may have been just out of curiosity since we were both exposed to sexual stuff on TV, maybe?

Maybe but not necessarly. Children do expierment but as sexual as you got, there may have been something else going on but she may remember more than you since shes the oldest. Im not saying to go force yourself to find memories but maybe asking her might be a good idea, somewhere in conversation.

Not all abuse victims develop mental illness and actually though i grew up in a cult & had HORRIBLE stuff forced upon me, i supressed it, no one knew, i acted completely normal in the world (though having a ton of sex and cutting) everyone saw this "happy" person and even now my step mom says "you were this nice, happy, sweet person 6 yrs ago, what happened?" (altho im still a nice person, i explode a lot due to anxiety). What happened is i unsupressed it and because of its gravity, it took me w/ it. Lots of walls, barriers, hiding it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Kiro i would def think of getting a therapist, just to have someone to talk to because you became very sexualized very early and you may need help w/ some of that.

Just a thought :)

 

[Sunny6]

Maybe but not necessarly. Children do expierment but as sexual as you got, there may have bee...

Ah right, I apologize for my ignorance there. I see only the surface of her and what she chooses to express, just because my image of her is happy doesn't mean there isn't other things going on underneath.

And indeed... it was very sexual. I didn't want to add before because it was hard to say, but it included kissing and using my mouth on her private parts. If I ever gather the courage to, I may ask her about it. Also I'm sorry for what you had to go through.

 

[Chava]

About the older men part, the odd thing about it is that I had some of those feelings even before he was murdered (going outside and stripping).

I did this too and it just felt totally liberating!! :woot: But I got in trouble. Totally depends on context though. It's totally understandable to be confused by all the pieces and want to put them together. For me I notice it kind of happens in its own time, but really only happens if I'm focused on stability and my daily life stuff (like I can't sit in my head and make stuff come together or organize into memories, if that makes sense).

Sex play and touching with age-alike peers is normal in childhood, even some touching. The oral part is a little more concerning. Could be totally exploratory, or some kind of reenactment on one of your parts. I can understand not wanting to talk to your sister about it. Maybe that will feel okay some day, but it's not something you need to know right now, is it? Hopefully it helps to know your sister probably wasn't "abusing" you and probably didn't create your trauma either, but understandable there is confusion and shame (I had that too) but you didn't do anything wrong. You were 7, "playing", and possibly influenced by other things in your life or your sisters that took it a little bit further than more average play (I did more inserting things, having that done to me, and even wrecking dolls by inserting things...helps I can just say that here and know I wasn't a horrible kid at all...just traumatized and hard to know what connected where in terms of some of my behaviors). That might sort itself out for you more later. It's hard not to wonder, but it's also great to focus on your treatment and taking care of yourself for now.

As stated before, I'm currently in a partial hospital program so I don't have an actual therapist, but hopefully will start working with one in two months.

Glad you have some extra support...I hope it's a helpful program (I've been in great ones and shit ones). Yes, hopefully you can get connected with a good therapist for the future. Take care!!

 

[Stickler]

...ok...oral sex sort of thing on you sister's parts...at 7?

You were awfully young to have learned that...could have been the videos though.
However, I note: having x-rated videos playing where the kids can see them is a HUGE red flag...severely bad boundaries at best.
...Not wanting to be touched by men and the anger...That's a big indicator. The emotion likely came from somewhere.
But I know nothing for certain. As do you, I just suspect.

 

[Chava]

@Stickler I missed the part about X-rated video games. That could super-well be connected. Yep. And yes, probably indicators. Though I don't relate to having witnessed my father be murdered, so I think there is also a layer of complexity I would not rush to judge here (assign meaning at this point).

If @Kiro is doing a hospital program right now though, I think the wondering is good (and super natural) without any rush to dig into memories or sort it out or understand. Just my two cents. Self care. Stability.