Hi all
This is my first post here.
NB. Please dont read on if you feel sensitive today about to a violent occurance.
My life has not run exactly smoothly but I mostly remain positive.... one life to live and all that. I have been self-analysing for decades now and recently feel that I am getting somewhere.
I am undergoing diagnosis for Autistic Spectrum Disorder (mild Aspergers) which I think is the longest running of my issues going back to early childhood.... however I believe this is slightly connected with my ptsd experience.
[It has been really complicated to get to the bottom of what happened to me and I am only beginning to un pick it now at the age of 53]
OK... my story,
so... I was apparently given responsibility at the age of 9 to see a younger boy aged 7 (Richard) home on the school bus.
It was pancake day here in the UK (shrove Tuesday) and me and my other classmates were as usual roistering on the bus. Comes to my stop , all the children get off and disperse. The stop was in a quiet small side street on a corner.
I get off with my mates, we all cross the road and they all disperse quickly leaving me behind to wait for Richard.
He finally gets off the bus and is standing on the side of the road.. I had crossed by then.
He was dithering whether to cross or not.... I was getting impatient.... and called him over, (I think?) if he had come then it might have been ok but there was further indecision before he finally ran across the road, he took 2 steps out directly in front of the high face of the front of the bus. The driver couldn`t see him at all.
It knocked him down flat, he did about three rolls underneath the bus as it was moving, and as the bus cornered, the back right hand wheels rolled over his head.
The bus carried on to the next stop not noticing.
I saw it all. I was the only witness.
I had good presence of mind, Cub scout training?) I didn`t freak, I went to the nearest house and asked an old lady to call the ambulance, she also got a blanket to put over poor Richard.
I vividly remember the blood, huge dark frothy pools of it, around his crushed head bubbling up into raised frothy shaped mounds on the tarmac.
I waitied until the ambulance came (I think... my memory is messed up about this) I walked the half mile home, Just before I got home I passed the shops, where I saw someone with an arm around Richards mum (who worked in a shop) coming out through the shop door, she was freaking and horrified... I witnessed her fear and pain.... every mothers worst nightmare. was it my fault?
I went home, my mother asked what was wrong, I remember sitting in the armchair in shock for quite a while, nothing to say..... appearing under control (the shock had hit) until it all came out and I was wracked with sobbing and disbelief. I couldn`t put this real life happening into any place I understood
next day I went to school they called a special assembly to announce the accident and that Richard had died (we were 4-11 years old)
my name was mentioned as being really helpful, calm and organised in calling the ambulance. [I remember giggling nervously... how inappropriate!... but I couldn`t help myself I`m sure the head teacher was looking at me as i did]
Since then I have been further seperated from normal people. Looking back I think It must have been gossiped about, at school; parents were wary of letting me play with their kids (I was a little unusual anyway with my slightly intense aspergers ways), I never bonded with any of the local kids from then on and only made freinds again when I went to secondary school. I was an outcast.
I have had flashbacks, sleeping disorders, a morbid realism about mortality from an early age. I grew up that day..... too fast.
I feel this has impinged on my whole being. I went to counselling for depression in my early 30s and found that I had mostly surpressed this memory and its potential significanc mostly for about 15-20 years!, it popped out towards the end of my counselliing. This was the first time I even considered it as significant to my psychological make up.
I occasionally get weird flashbacks & visions where my brain kind of goes like a strobe for a few seconds and seems to judder...a bit like when you stand up too quickly.
I think this is a flashback that i have dissociated .. it occurs occasionally when I see orange pedestrian crossing lights... I can feel it coming some days.... occasionally it comes on so strong that I have to stop what I am doing/talking about. Less frequent the last 2-3 years.
So there we are. I am trying to fit this into my life and find where I sit and how I can cope with this ... which I am darned sure is long term effcts of ptsd and also my mild Aspergers differences. There was no counselling given to me in 1972... I just had to find my own way.
I have been working on these issues for years and have only recently found a `label` o give me some insight into why I am like I am... this has really helped me because it gives me the thought that i am not simply crazy or bad, and it helps with the guilt too and self forgiveness.
I am lucky now, after many `false starts` I have a lovely understanding wife and a young son and a nice home now.... I never thought I would approach `normality`.
I still have real daily challenges keeping from my inner life seeping into my job of work ( I am a teacher) when I get stressed, but am much more self aware and in control than I once was. A long way to go though.
I am already seeking help for my Aspergers and am wondering if there is a place I can share my ptsd and come to some sort of reconciliation about this. I`ve done a lot of the work myself already but there are some things you cant do on your own.
Thanks for listening.
Paul
Thank you for reading
This is my first post here.
NB. Please dont read on if you feel sensitive today about to a violent occurance.
My life has not run exactly smoothly but I mostly remain positive.... one life to live and all that. I have been self-analysing for decades now and recently feel that I am getting somewhere.
I am undergoing diagnosis for Autistic Spectrum Disorder (mild Aspergers) which I think is the longest running of my issues going back to early childhood.... however I believe this is slightly connected with my ptsd experience.
[It has been really complicated to get to the bottom of what happened to me and I am only beginning to un pick it now at the age of 53]
OK... my story,
so... I was apparently given responsibility at the age of 9 to see a younger boy aged 7 (Richard) home on the school bus.
It was pancake day here in the UK (shrove Tuesday) and me and my other classmates were as usual roistering on the bus. Comes to my stop , all the children get off and disperse. The stop was in a quiet small side street on a corner.
I get off with my mates, we all cross the road and they all disperse quickly leaving me behind to wait for Richard.
He finally gets off the bus and is standing on the side of the road.. I had crossed by then.
He was dithering whether to cross or not.... I was getting impatient.... and called him over, (I think?) if he had come then it might have been ok but there was further indecision before he finally ran across the road, he took 2 steps out directly in front of the high face of the front of the bus. The driver couldn`t see him at all.
It knocked him down flat, he did about three rolls underneath the bus as it was moving, and as the bus cornered, the back right hand wheels rolled over his head.
The bus carried on to the next stop not noticing.
I saw it all. I was the only witness.
I had good presence of mind, Cub scout training?) I didn`t freak, I went to the nearest house and asked an old lady to call the ambulance, she also got a blanket to put over poor Richard.
I vividly remember the blood, huge dark frothy pools of it, around his crushed head bubbling up into raised frothy shaped mounds on the tarmac.
I waitied until the ambulance came (I think... my memory is messed up about this) I walked the half mile home, Just before I got home I passed the shops, where I saw someone with an arm around Richards mum (who worked in a shop) coming out through the shop door, she was freaking and horrified... I witnessed her fear and pain.... every mothers worst nightmare. was it my fault?
I went home, my mother asked what was wrong, I remember sitting in the armchair in shock for quite a while, nothing to say..... appearing under control (the shock had hit) until it all came out and I was wracked with sobbing and disbelief. I couldn`t put this real life happening into any place I understood
next day I went to school they called a special assembly to announce the accident and that Richard had died (we were 4-11 years old)
my name was mentioned as being really helpful, calm and organised in calling the ambulance. [I remember giggling nervously... how inappropriate!... but I couldn`t help myself I`m sure the head teacher was looking at me as i did]
Since then I have been further seperated from normal people. Looking back I think It must have been gossiped about, at school; parents were wary of letting me play with their kids (I was a little unusual anyway with my slightly intense aspergers ways), I never bonded with any of the local kids from then on and only made freinds again when I went to secondary school. I was an outcast.
I have had flashbacks, sleeping disorders, a morbid realism about mortality from an early age. I grew up that day..... too fast.
I feel this has impinged on my whole being. I went to counselling for depression in my early 30s and found that I had mostly surpressed this memory and its potential significanc mostly for about 15-20 years!, it popped out towards the end of my counselliing. This was the first time I even considered it as significant to my psychological make up.
I occasionally get weird flashbacks & visions where my brain kind of goes like a strobe for a few seconds and seems to judder...a bit like when you stand up too quickly.
I think this is a flashback that i have dissociated .. it occurs occasionally when I see orange pedestrian crossing lights... I can feel it coming some days.... occasionally it comes on so strong that I have to stop what I am doing/talking about. Less frequent the last 2-3 years.
So there we are. I am trying to fit this into my life and find where I sit and how I can cope with this ... which I am darned sure is long term effcts of ptsd and also my mild Aspergers differences. There was no counselling given to me in 1972... I just had to find my own way.
I have been working on these issues for years and have only recently found a `label` o give me some insight into why I am like I am... this has really helped me because it gives me the thought that i am not simply crazy or bad, and it helps with the guilt too and self forgiveness.
I am lucky now, after many `false starts` I have a lovely understanding wife and a young son and a nice home now.... I never thought I would approach `normality`.
I still have real daily challenges keeping from my inner life seeping into my job of work ( I am a teacher) when I get stressed, but am much more self aware and in control than I once was. A long way to go though.
I am already seeking help for my Aspergers and am wondering if there is a place I can share my ptsd and come to some sort of reconciliation about this. I`ve done a lot of the work myself already but there are some things you cant do on your own.
Thanks for listening.
Paul
Thank you for reading
