S
sonnet pan
Okay. Please don't laugh at me. This is the first time I am sharing this. But I want your opinion and input about all this.
When I was 3 and in preschool, one of the teacher's assistants asked if I would like my dad to give me a spanking treatment. I said "yes I like it" because I thought she said "swimming trips", and understood it as going to the swimming pool because I was a FOB and I didn't understand English very well.
So then she and the teacher would give me spankings during playtime. Other kids would walk up to us while they were spanking me and asked what was going on, and they were like "I don't know, she likes it." They didn't hit very hard, so I actually thought it felt good even though it felt embarrassing because I was taught that the butt was a private part.
So then I started spanking other kids for fun because I wanted them to hit me back. In a sense, I kept craving the experience. It did feel weird when my mom started spanking me. I felt like it was weird because I had always perceived it as sexual. It felt humiliating when she would hit me, and I would just feel really weird and awkward after.
First grade came along and during certain parts of class time, we were assigned to sit in specific squares on the floor. There was this kid who sat in the very back, and he would touch the underwear of different kids around him. Everytime he did that, we would turn around and tell him to stop and he would keep laughing. He kept touching this other kid's penis and the kid complained a lot and told the teacher's assistant. One day, because a bunch of us kept turning around and telling him to stop, the teacher could hear commotion in the back and told us all to be quiet and pay attention or else we would be put on the "red card", which meant serious trouble. I didn't want to get in trouble and I wanted to pay attention so I kept quiet, and right then, he slipped his hand down my pants, progressively deeper. It felt really good but at the same time I felt really embarrassed. But I whispered and told him to stop. After that incident, I never talked to him again, never made eye-contact. I just felt really embarrassed and I couldn't tell anybody. We had to draw pictures for each other, and he drew a picture of me in a swim suit. I remember feeling like I was being objectified, and I didn't know what that feeling meant at the time.
But I started having fantasies about others touching my butt and fantasies about being captured and getting spanked. I would try to get other boys to touch me without talking about it, and I would even try to get my sister to do it. (Looking back, I feel really bad because I sort of pressured her into these situations.) It didn't help that at the time I saw cartoon pictures in a video store of nude women chained up in a dungeon and being tortured. It sort of excited me when I saw these, and I showed my dad, but he told me it wasn't for kids.
All I know is that now I am an adult, I masturbate thinking about the things that happened back then and craving the experience of having someone touch my butt and give me spankings. And even when I don't feel aroused from it, I touch myself and hit myself in sort of a compulsive way. It's something that comes and goes every few months. But recently it got to the point that it was hindering my daily life, and I almost emailed a stranger off the internet to see if he could spank me (without having sex). (I feel weird asking people around me because I don't think they are into that.)
I wanted to ask for input from others. Is there something wrong with me? Was any of this considered molestation? Do I need to go through counseling?
When I was 3 and in preschool, one of the teacher's assistants asked if I would like my dad to give me a spanking treatment. I said "yes I like it" because I thought she said "swimming trips", and understood it as going to the swimming pool because I was a FOB and I didn't understand English very well.
So then she and the teacher would give me spankings during playtime. Other kids would walk up to us while they were spanking me and asked what was going on, and they were like "I don't know, she likes it." They didn't hit very hard, so I actually thought it felt good even though it felt embarrassing because I was taught that the butt was a private part.
So then I started spanking other kids for fun because I wanted them to hit me back. In a sense, I kept craving the experience. It did feel weird when my mom started spanking me. I felt like it was weird because I had always perceived it as sexual. It felt humiliating when she would hit me, and I would just feel really weird and awkward after.
First grade came along and during certain parts of class time, we were assigned to sit in specific squares on the floor. There was this kid who sat in the very back, and he would touch the underwear of different kids around him. Everytime he did that, we would turn around and tell him to stop and he would keep laughing. He kept touching this other kid's penis and the kid complained a lot and told the teacher's assistant. One day, because a bunch of us kept turning around and telling him to stop, the teacher could hear commotion in the back and told us all to be quiet and pay attention or else we would be put on the "red card", which meant serious trouble. I didn't want to get in trouble and I wanted to pay attention so I kept quiet, and right then, he slipped his hand down my pants, progressively deeper. It felt really good but at the same time I felt really embarrassed. But I whispered and told him to stop. After that incident, I never talked to him again, never made eye-contact. I just felt really embarrassed and I couldn't tell anybody. We had to draw pictures for each other, and he drew a picture of me in a swim suit. I remember feeling like I was being objectified, and I didn't know what that feeling meant at the time.
But I started having fantasies about others touching my butt and fantasies about being captured and getting spanked. I would try to get other boys to touch me without talking about it, and I would even try to get my sister to do it. (Looking back, I feel really bad because I sort of pressured her into these situations.) It didn't help that at the time I saw cartoon pictures in a video store of nude women chained up in a dungeon and being tortured. It sort of excited me when I saw these, and I showed my dad, but he told me it wasn't for kids.
All I know is that now I am an adult, I masturbate thinking about the things that happened back then and craving the experience of having someone touch my butt and give me spankings. And even when I don't feel aroused from it, I touch myself and hit myself in sort of a compulsive way. It's something that comes and goes every few months. But recently it got to the point that it was hindering my daily life, and I almost emailed a stranger off the internet to see if he could spank me (without having sex). (I feel weird asking people around me because I don't think they are into that.)
I wanted to ask for input from others. Is there something wrong with me? Was any of this considered molestation? Do I need to go through counseling?
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