Im Conflicted!

[lostforgottensoul]

Right now, "getting back in the horse" just isnt possible. I should copy & paste the tread i just wrote though i dont know why i wrote it.

I have the HUGE urge to tear apart my house, throw my work computer across the room, and throw my first through a mirror...

 

[Sideways]

Stating the obvious...that's not gonna help. Never has before, not gonna gonna work now:stop:

 

[Sideways]

Ok, I even frustrated myself with that post!!!

What you're feeling is perfectly valid. You don't need to get rid of those feelings, they're there because it hurts like hell. But keep a space between having the feelings and acting on them, yeah?

And don't take it out on your computer please - I'd like you to be able to come back and chat:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The only way ive ever known how to connect to people is through sex...its the only thing im good at, only thing i know. Without it i dont know what to do. i messed up and it wasnt even the seductions and i wont ever let anyone in that "i wanna cut" space. I had never reached out before, before cutting and it all blew up in my face.

I dont know how to be ok now. I feared abandonment, expected it but it feels like someone just crushed my heart...i cant breath...i dont want to live...im sick of this pain. I was ok because someone cared and now no one cares again and i cant numb it like it was before. I opened that space and i cant get it numb again. I cant describe the amount of hurt thats there. Been throwing up for 2 days because of it.

Why be here anymore? Why fight? For what? For myself? Why? To be alone in the end? My family is gone...everyone is gone. Why not me too?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And don't take it out on your computer please - I'd like you to be able to come back and chat

Work computer. I access these sites from my phone but smashing my phone sounds like a great idea.

I think i am gonna copy & paste that thread over here cuz i think i identified the orginal trigger. The urge to cut "came out of nowhere"...i think maybe i figured that out?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Stating the obvious...that's not gonna help. Never has before, not gonna gonna work now:stop:

Its just pure rage im feeling...at myself now...i think

 

[Sideways]

Rage is good. I like rage. If I have to choose between isolation, shame or rage, I'd pick rage any day of the week. There are no happy options that I'm aware of, and if that's the case, I embrace rage with both arms while it lasts.

 

[Sideways]

Where did it come from - the cutting part? Can you rage at that?

 

[Sideways]

It's early, and my processing speed is a little shabby, but you still work?? Caw blimey - that's phenomenal! I think you just became my hero for the day:playful:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's early, and my processing speed is a little shabby, but you still work?? Caw blimey - that's...

Nope, the MOD FINALLY wrote me back. He got the majority of how he sees me right anyway. Just hope i didnt say anything erong this time. Sigh!

Its 11:17pm here...past my bedtime but had to write him back

 

[The Albatross]

You said, "The only way ive ever known how to connect to people is through sex...its the only thing im good at,..." Correction... "I am aware that previously the only way I've ever known how to connect to people is through sex. I'm aware now that there are other ways, I need to learn and endeavor to practice them til they become normalized skill sets"?????????????

 

[Knak]

@Knak I respect your religon and all but please dont push "god" stuff on me....

I can only pray for you.