Ramblings In My Brain...

[lostforgottensoul]

Im not diagnosed with depression but i think its more of a given and very apparent right now. I have BPD, PTSD, GAD, possible Attachment Disorder and suicdal ideations though thats, at the moment, its a bit more 'on the edge'.

Not a clue why Im posting this. Maybe someone can help, or at least understand...maybe not, I dont know.

I grew up in a cult from ages 6 to 18 headed by my step dad & mother and the cult beliefs of me very much still rule my way of thinking about myself. I can list them but i see that pointless.

I cut & "punished" for the first time in almost a month 2 nights ago and still extremely depressed. Would likely end it if the fear of death isnt so strong but i cant help to wonder what happens when the pain becomes greater than that fear?

I didnt do any of the self done rituals or punishments either for almost a month. That urge is back now. "Must do it to satisfy god" though if i could beat "god"'s head in with a baseball bat, I would. Though I cant help but to wonder if this "god" is punishing me for being a horrible person. Stupid I know but I find myself wondering that all the time. Maybe this is my punishment for what a did.

A massive urge to distory my entire house as well over the last few days. Im at work at the moment, an urge to throw my work computer across the room and smash everything, both monitors & everything to bits. Anger? Probably. Probably self anger as i cant stand myself, not sure why I long for others to like me. Why would they?

I wanted to throw my fist through the mirror last night. What i see looking back at me is the most horrific monster on the planet!

Blame has shifted from me to them but i am wondering if its shifted back. I am defending them again. I am the blame for it all because i was born and it wasnt supposed to be me here, I was supposed to be an abortion. It was supposed to be the baby that died at 2 hrs old 2 yrs before i was born. He was supposed to live, not me.

I deserved it all. For what i did, I deserve any bad thing that happens today.

Its my mom's birthday in a week and a half. Mine a month after but his, the wanted boy, is 7 days before my birthday. Maybe thats the trigger. I dont know. Dont know much these days other then i wish id stop messing everything up....and i wish i had the guts to do what i really want to and end my suffering, end the fight...but im the coward....

 

[Ronin]

That urge is back now.

If you don't engage it, it will go away and leave you at peace quicker.

"Must do it to satisfy god" though if i could beat "god"'s head in with a baseball bat, I would.

God's, I hear, a durable motherf*cker, so it's not like there's any harm in thinking of doing that. ;)

Though I cant help but to wonder if this "god" is punishing me for being a horrible person.

No, for you aren't. You're just reacting to abuse in your past. Horrific and f*cked up abuse, but no punishments are occuring, or will occur, unless you hurt yourself as a misplaced punishment.

Stupid I know

Buying into abusers beliefs is what saved your life.

That is nothing stupid. That's helluva smart. Not useful for current situation, but that doesn't mean it wasn't useful in the past, and doesn't make it stupid.

 

[ladee]

I read somewhere this morning about your friend you were 'talking' with on another site. Could this be your 'trigger'? I am sorry you switched to hurting yourself. Will be happy for you when this is no longer an option.

 

[Ronin]

Probably self anger as i cant stand myself, not sure why I long for others to like me.

Because you're a human being and that's a rather normal people need. Because you were denied meeting of a very basic need for all of your life, and didn't even know you're allowed to have that need. Because you were lied to about things that make you, shockers, like the rest of humanity. Of course you long for others to like you - there is nothing pathological in that. :)

What i see looking back at me is the most horrific monster on the planet!

You haven't met all of them. (I didn't, either.) It's not probable you're that much monstrous. :)

Blame has shifted from me to them but i am wondering if its shifted back.

No, blame is still with them, doesn't change, doesn't shift. How you attribute it or feel about it may change, but that doesn't change where blame lies, with them, not with you.

 

[Stickler]

You're not a monster, you're my friend.

...someone on another forum I go to called God Gnarly Old Dickhead...

As far as deserving, it, I disagree. Feelings are not facts...I know you feel like you deserved it, but I do not believe that's true.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I read somewhere this morning about your friend you were 'talking' with on another site. Could this be your 'trigger'? I am sorry you switched to hurting yourself. Will be happy for you when this is no longer an option.

Thats the "Im conflicted" thread and not exactly.

2 nights ago i had a out of the blue after almost a month of not cutting, doing rituals or pubishments (likey cuz i had a friend, the MOD, talking to me...helping me through the DBT stuff & processing in general...he was also in a cult) urge to cut. 1 min im fine watching tv and the next im wanting like holy hell to cut and havent a clue where it came from. After 2 days tailspinning and re-tailspinning bad enough i have been throwing up for 2 days, i figured it out but at the time didnt know.

I reached out in both a message to this MOD & a thread (another site) and was met with silence and apparently i had triggered this MOD (i was joking but being so very horrible with words...and he also has BPD, just WAY further along) by saying that i had seen him on online and in private message and was thinking "hurry up and type" lol (i put the lol after it to indicate it was a joke) but he took it as he's not typing fast enough or good enough and got triggered...so at the same time that my reach out before i cut & punished was met by silence and lost that fight...he said he needed a break. A break to me means they dont come back (hisory repeating over and over and over etc etc etc) and not only do i have that normal avoid real or imagined abandonment, i also have had my entire family leave & not talk to me, 4 free therapists (2 at which acted in my seductions) leave, and everyone that has ever tried to help me or befriended me leave...basically everyone...so yeah, for me you can take that normal BPD thing and easily times it by a millon and you'd be closer to my fear of abandonment.

I flipped, tailspinned. Kept re-tailspinning because of a dumbass on the other site saying such unhelpful things...but anyway...that was the gist of it.

The reason my brain went to suicide so fast and stayed there is something i just realized what this week is...damn near my mother's birthday, a month after hers is mine and 7 days before mine (2 yrs before i was born) is the baby boy my mom lost at 2 hrs old. He was the wanted one, i was supposed to be "product of abortion". Punishment 10 folded this time of the yr, as did showing me the aftermath of abortion pictures saying thats what i was supposed to be, as did the time frame where my mom handed me the loaded gun at 14 begging me to kill myself.

Yesterday at work i kicked the rock wall at work on the 2nd story balcony and hurt my foot (on purpose). Today in the elevator i was slamming my head so hard on the wall that security took the noise as it was broken...and spent all day looking at pictures of abortions to see what i was supposed to be...

He did finally message me. Hopefully i dont say anything, at least in the next few days, wrong...let this settle down some. This has been by far the worse tailspin ive ever had since its all been unsupressed.

 

[strangelings]

it really really sounds like you need to try and if not be *kind* to yourself right now- to be less *unkind* (like the looking at triggering pictures- never a good idea). i've read bits and pieces of your story here- i think it's really good you managed that long, and it doesn't- you don't lose that because you slipped. (i am a ra/cult survivor as well, and have a long history of self harm in various forms).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you don't engage it, it will go away and leave you at peace quicker.

I havent, not the rituals anyway...well one i did but not the one everyone knows about...but thus the punishment. Cut my arm to try to numb it away to not do the ritual but alas. But was 2 days ago...since then ive just been in a horrific tailspin since.

The MOD on the other site came out of silence and messaged me tonight so hopefully if i dont say something else stupid we will continue talking cuz i know conversations with him, though i orginally took it down the seduction direction, is still the reason i havent done them. I also have him to thank for someone on here stating im communicating better.

Just afraid that now my fear of reaching out to him, maybe i'll just do them and not say anything...but the tailspin is still fresh as is that fear so hopefully we can talk our way through it and i can feel aafe with him again.

God's, I hear, a durable motherf*cker, so it's not like there's any harm in thinking of doing that. ;)

LOL! I so would if i could. Ive always had that wish!

No, for you aren't. You're just reacting to abuse in your past. Horrific and f*cked up abuse, but no punishments are occuring, or will occur, unless you hurt yourself as a misplaced punishment.

If only i could see that as missplaced. The fact that u have thousands of animal's blood on my hands...well thats gonna take a long time.

This, since the blame shift...this is all new and TERRIFYING!

Buying into abusers beliefs is what saved your life.

That is nothing stupid. That's helluva smart. Not useful for current situation, but that doesn't mean it wasn't useful in the past, and doesn't make it stupid.

Hmmm, never thought of it saving my life before. I still think i should of taken the punishments and said no to the rituals...according to their "bible", they needed me, they wouldnt of killed me. Though all one can think when their head is held inder super hot bathtub of water, after your face goes numb from the pain, is "I NEED TO BREATHE"...but he wouldnt of killed me and punishments happen anyway.

BUT, to quote my therapist, irs not fair for my adult mind to judge my child mind...bur still.

I think thats gonna take a while of not jusging my child self too...but working on it...

Because you're a human being and that's a rather normal people need. Because you were denied meeting of a very basic need for all of your life, and didn't even know you're allowed to have that need. Because you were lied to about things that make you, shockers, like the rest of humanity. Of course you long for others to like you - there is nothing pathological in that. :)

Ive missed you making me smile :)

Def missed out on it my entire life. Connecting to people was sex and "Hunter", the only renter that wouldnt confused me. You'd think, how often he rented me and the fact he wouldnt do anything with me and though i wasnt supposed to talk to the renters, we'd have concersations. You'd think id learn how to make friends but nope.

My therapist says im haulted at 12 yrs old emotionally in that area...6 and 7 in some other emotional areas but the biggest hault is at 12...or so my therapist says.

"Like everyone else"...now theres a concept i wish i could get myself to believe but im trying...

No, blame is still with them, doesn't change, doesn't shift. How you attribute it or feel about it may change, but that doesn't change where blame lies, with them, not with you.

Well it did shift once, Anrhony helped me do that and i'll never forget that night the rest of my life as that was the most emotional pain ive ever felt. But you are correct, it hasnt shifted back. Not sure why i want to take the blame again, its been moved for like a month and has been so much easier to move around (though everyrhing is new and terrifying) still 5657667 feel like im slamming into a wall every time i try to do something so thats quite nice.

You're not a monster, you're my friend.

As far as deserving, it, I disagree. Feelings are not facts...I know you feel like you deserved it, but I do not believe that's true.

You're my friend too!

 

[The Albatross]

Every time you engage in a ritual you reinforce the behavior... every time. Just the truth and a fact. Food for thought? Can you dig deep and find some footing on this to be able to do the uncomfortable thing and challenge this?

 

[Ronin]

The fact that u have thousands of animal's blood on my hands...well thats gonna take a long time.

True, it's gonna take a long time, but that doesn't mean forever. You did what you had to do to survive. That you have done it and survived and are even healing from it now? Are all testament to your strength. You deserve compassion and care and good things, had more than darned enough of the worse ones.

This, since the blame shift...this is all new and TERRIFYING!

New things are supposed to be something to stop and think before doing, all the more valuable in being different from everything else you knew. ;) (Or: courage isn't an absence of fear, but fearing and doing it anyway.)

You'd think id learn how to make friends but nope.

It's hard to impossible to make friends in situations you don't know what happens the next moment.

That's not on you, or your failing. You simply lived on and so did they, you all doing what you could with the little you had. That you even attempted / kept friendship as a value as something that's worth it, despite very lived lack of it? Another point for you & strength.

I still think i should of taken the punishments and said no to the rituals...according to their "bible", they needed me, they wouldnt of killed me.

It wasn't an option then, you couldn't even think of it, so it's not something you could have done, and there's no mistake in that. Your options were different than they look now, and that's alright. You did what you had to then, and did it darned right, because you're here now. All else is whispers in the wind and doesn't quite matter - you did good.

My therapist says im haulted at 12 yrs old emotionally

You'll catch up. :)
Nothing wrong in being regressed in some parts, and not in others. Still deserve compassion & healing & help & gentle treatment and nothing but it.

Not sure why i want to take the blame again

Maybe because that was a familiar world, something you know what to do with, and all the possibilities now are exhausting and scary and too much to deal with and all? It's alright it will take quite a time. Changes of decades long mindset, something one knew when yet forming, something one knew when most vulnerable, are not something you can do or undo overnight, so, patience and patience :) Also kindness with yourself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it really really sounds like you need to try and if not be *kind* to yourself right now- to be less *unkind* (like the looking at triggering pictures- never a good idea). i've read bits and pieces of your story here- i think it's really good you managed that long, and it doesn't- you don't lose that because you slipped. (i am a ra/cult survivor as well, and have a long history of self harm in various forms).

It was the worst and longest tailspin to date.

Kind to myself, what a thought. A true one but one i havent a clue how to do yet.

It seems theres not a "place" for cult survivors but im finding more and more between the two sites.

I never felt like I 'fit' with sexual abuse survivors and never knew why. I saw the movie "I Know My First Name Is Steven" and learned that for whatever reason, I identify more with kidnapped victims. Same for the house in Cleveland. I dunno why.

 

[Ronin]

t seems theres not a "place" for cult survivors

If I may? I used to have reach to such spaces and it wasn't a good thing. Things spiralled into toxic relating & authority issues & victim blaming & censorship of expression and identities very fast in them, so it may not be a goal to find one.

Specialized groups can be more downfalls, than not.