lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
I dont why im making a thread about this...im triggered and im unsure if this is healthy to continue or not...adding with it I just got spoken to, now the 3rd time, about going off on a customer at work, my sup hadnt listened to the call (people heard me and told him what time it was yesterday) and i dont remember what it was about so my sup said "hopefully you muted yourself and were not rude to the customer"...im scared he's actually saying between the lines "if i find you were, you may be terminated or written up" which im like an inch from a promotion which has a lot more stress so if I dont show my sup that i can lower my anxiety, I will have no chance at the promotion (which i despertly need, i got no raise this yr for the 1st time but rent went up).
Anyway, my job isnt why i wrote this, that just made this so much worse.
So as most know now, I go between 2 sites (other one will remain nameless) and I created a thread about not being able to find an imagined 'safe place' as the DBT workbook had wanted me to do. An Admin of the site spoke to me in the thread about it and soon after i was able to sorta start 'painting' a safe place in my head Bob Ross style. I lost it after this last tailspin and have yet to get it back.
He messaged me because he thought he could help more with the DBT stuff. At the time I thought he was a she and when I learned he was male I started my usual flirts and a bit (not bad) of small seductions.
I sent him my entire past, linked him to the "dog thing" dream & the baby thing when i was 14.
He let me know, while working out his own process, that he seemed to like my small seductions...finding it arousing. That, I guess, triggered in my head to start full on forceful seductions...which he sorta ignored for the most part.
I posted about this here, asked my therapist as i was conflicted about boundries, my therapist told me i had emotions haulted at about 12 yrs old..i didnt get to learn how to have relationships and connect with people as like a normal kids would and all over everything in my life was around sex so thats how i learned and he said to back off the forceful seductions (not that he was suprised I was doing it given my past) and he didnt say no sex talk at all, just the super graphic kind he wanted me to back off of and so i did and last week asked me if he (the Admin) respected it and he did and also very much appreciated it.
Our friendship grew stronger, i was telling him more about my feelings, a lot of more stuff that happened in my past; even more than I placed on here; a lot more stuff was coming up for me that I was trying to work through, he told me a lot more about himself, including a picture, cause i was begging for it and i learned he's somewhere in his 60s...prob later 60s. I told my therapist that i didnt trust myself but things have been going great. Even my "12 yr old emotions' seemed to have disapated, and i was learning a lot about how to communicate properly...or better and how to better connect to someone wothout sex involved...or not much sex.
He was with me last Thurs after the "dog dream" in messages and it helped to keep me not only from doing that ritual but also to not cut or punish...talking to someone seems to help for a lot of things for me...i guess cuz i have no friends in real life and really no one to talk to.
Yesterday though, we seemed to get in a very inapparote convo and i dont remember how it got brought up, I prob started it, but we were both participating, he has never really sent me detailed sexual stuff before, it was always me sending and him 'enjoying' i guess but this time was different and when he did, he not only liked it but it triggeres that part of me again and well graphic sexual content started again.
Last night, i told him about two things. The first was how i ended up seducing a teacher, very graphic details and all...but i was 13 at the time. Also i told him i wanted to email him a picture of a certian body part.
Now this morning i woke up from a nightmare around 5:30am...i had a message from him agreeing that he would be ok with me sending that picture BUT i told him that I didnt want to go down that road as then sex is all our conversations would be about and I wanted to get back on track on the DBT and processing stuff....which im actually proud of myself for doing..a little bit, but in the message i was replying to, he was worried about sending 'porn' through email, worried about either of us getting in trouble, and used a friend of his as an example...this is what triggered me and has made me sick all day.
His friend, link: here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jock_Sturges is a photographer that was taking pictures of nude teenagers (under age) and some of the info indicates children with parental consent. It says in the link that it included family pictures (freaks!).
I told him that the FBI jumped on that because thats CHILD PORN no matter how you turn that. From the link "Misty Dawn, whom he shot from when she was a young child until in her twenties."
He sent me a message back today with that like quoting some spots where he was stated "this is reassuring" quoting "A grand jury subsequently declined to bring an indictment against him" What? That a freak got away with taking, distrabuting, and selling child porn?
He then went on to tell me of a dream he had about being in a car with a girl and they did what i did with the teacher BUT i told him i was 13. Why would someone dream about that and like it? I dont know if, in his dream, they were adult women and just doing what I was doing...that i can sorta undersrand cuz I wrote it like a Penthouse story.
So im so confused, triggered, sick, upset, conflicted.
I have gotten so much out of this friendship and still will if we can get the primary focus off sex. And i know thats my fault and i know people on here warned me and i dont know if he's like my dad; from a different generation and so his view of things is different. And i know if he knew i felt this way he would either change the conversation completely or he would stop talking to me...or maybe be hurt and i dont want to hurt him. I know he cares about me but its very important to me that i now know that he doesnt see anything wrong with what his friend did.
All i said back to him, which was a few hrs ago but he hasnt been back online yet, was that it was child porn what his friend did and with the teacher i was 13. I dont know what, if anything he will say back but he is busy dealing with real life stuff and so maybe thats why he didnt reply about not talking so much about sex.
I did write on my bio (below my past as non graphic as possible and a quick run through) that i dont know how to connect to people without sex but that i am trying and wanting to learn and that was written before any threads or posts so its not like its a suprise to anyone. And on there it does say that i was in a cult headed by my mom & step dad from age 6 to 18 and that i was a forced prostitute and there were very bad rituals and punishments (no details) but anyone with a brain could figure out that i would likely turn anything private, long term, and feeling like i should be connecting to this person into a highly sexualized thing...its just what i do and im trying to stop, per my message to him when he was ok with me sending the picture but didnt want us to get in trouble for sending 'porn' like his freak friend.
I want to continue to speak to him, i view him now as a friend whom has been there in very hard times; gotten me through hard times where without him i would of cut, punished, done a ritual, or something.
He certianly isnt trying to be a stand in therapist, he encourages my therapist and my therapist knows about all of our conversations...but this one cuz i dont see him until Thurs.
My therapist has been encouraging this as its teaching me a lot; how to connect with someone & how to communicate, processing a lot of my past and even feeling emotions about it i didnt know I had...a lot of good has come out of this.
What would you do if you had a friend that thought that what this child porn guy did was ok and had a sexual dream about something you did in your past as a child? I mean to his defense on that, i told it like it was a penthouse story but i did make him aware of my age but it was very detailed a graphic so im not sure about the dream. Whats making me sick is this photographer freak friend of his and taking up for him.
Would you tell him that it triggered you, that you want to go back to processing and DBT and stuff and see what he does or would you cut contact with him?
Im so sad...he's my only friend. The only person i can talk to about almost anything and it has turned into something so wrong and i know thats my fault and i didnt mean for it to. I know im gonna get a lot of "i told you so". I dont want to stop talking to him, i just want our conversations back like they used to be. They are useless the way they are now but to re-enforce that in order to connect to people i have to include sex...and going down that road, i fear, that will be going backwards..and i want to have a friend...and he was/is a friend that i can tell anything to and has been there so much for me. I dont know what to do! :(
Im sorry to make this long and complicated...
Anyway, my job isnt why i wrote this, that just made this so much worse.
So as most know now, I go between 2 sites (other one will remain nameless) and I created a thread about not being able to find an imagined 'safe place' as the DBT workbook had wanted me to do. An Admin of the site spoke to me in the thread about it and soon after i was able to sorta start 'painting' a safe place in my head Bob Ross style. I lost it after this last tailspin and have yet to get it back.
He messaged me because he thought he could help more with the DBT stuff. At the time I thought he was a she and when I learned he was male I started my usual flirts and a bit (not bad) of small seductions.
I sent him my entire past, linked him to the "dog thing" dream & the baby thing when i was 14.
He let me know, while working out his own process, that he seemed to like my small seductions...finding it arousing. That, I guess, triggered in my head to start full on forceful seductions...which he sorta ignored for the most part.
I posted about this here, asked my therapist as i was conflicted about boundries, my therapist told me i had emotions haulted at about 12 yrs old..i didnt get to learn how to have relationships and connect with people as like a normal kids would and all over everything in my life was around sex so thats how i learned and he said to back off the forceful seductions (not that he was suprised I was doing it given my past) and he didnt say no sex talk at all, just the super graphic kind he wanted me to back off of and so i did and last week asked me if he (the Admin) respected it and he did and also very much appreciated it.
Our friendship grew stronger, i was telling him more about my feelings, a lot of more stuff that happened in my past; even more than I placed on here; a lot more stuff was coming up for me that I was trying to work through, he told me a lot more about himself, including a picture, cause i was begging for it and i learned he's somewhere in his 60s...prob later 60s. I told my therapist that i didnt trust myself but things have been going great. Even my "12 yr old emotions' seemed to have disapated, and i was learning a lot about how to communicate properly...or better and how to better connect to someone wothout sex involved...or not much sex.
He was with me last Thurs after the "dog dream" in messages and it helped to keep me not only from doing that ritual but also to not cut or punish...talking to someone seems to help for a lot of things for me...i guess cuz i have no friends in real life and really no one to talk to.
Yesterday though, we seemed to get in a very inapparote convo and i dont remember how it got brought up, I prob started it, but we were both participating, he has never really sent me detailed sexual stuff before, it was always me sending and him 'enjoying' i guess but this time was different and when he did, he not only liked it but it triggeres that part of me again and well graphic sexual content started again.
Last night, i told him about two things. The first was how i ended up seducing a teacher, very graphic details and all...but i was 13 at the time. Also i told him i wanted to email him a picture of a certian body part.
Now this morning i woke up from a nightmare around 5:30am...i had a message from him agreeing that he would be ok with me sending that picture BUT i told him that I didnt want to go down that road as then sex is all our conversations would be about and I wanted to get back on track on the DBT and processing stuff....which im actually proud of myself for doing..a little bit, but in the message i was replying to, he was worried about sending 'porn' through email, worried about either of us getting in trouble, and used a friend of his as an example...this is what triggered me and has made me sick all day.
His friend, link: here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jock_Sturges is a photographer that was taking pictures of nude teenagers (under age) and some of the info indicates children with parental consent. It says in the link that it included family pictures (freaks!).
I told him that the FBI jumped on that because thats CHILD PORN no matter how you turn that. From the link "Misty Dawn, whom he shot from when she was a young child until in her twenties."
He sent me a message back today with that like quoting some spots where he was stated "this is reassuring" quoting "A grand jury subsequently declined to bring an indictment against him" What? That a freak got away with taking, distrabuting, and selling child porn?
He then went on to tell me of a dream he had about being in a car with a girl and they did what i did with the teacher BUT i told him i was 13. Why would someone dream about that and like it? I dont know if, in his dream, they were adult women and just doing what I was doing...that i can sorta undersrand cuz I wrote it like a Penthouse story.
So im so confused, triggered, sick, upset, conflicted.
I have gotten so much out of this friendship and still will if we can get the primary focus off sex. And i know thats my fault and i know people on here warned me and i dont know if he's like my dad; from a different generation and so his view of things is different. And i know if he knew i felt this way he would either change the conversation completely or he would stop talking to me...or maybe be hurt and i dont want to hurt him. I know he cares about me but its very important to me that i now know that he doesnt see anything wrong with what his friend did.
All i said back to him, which was a few hrs ago but he hasnt been back online yet, was that it was child porn what his friend did and with the teacher i was 13. I dont know what, if anything he will say back but he is busy dealing with real life stuff and so maybe thats why he didnt reply about not talking so much about sex.
I did write on my bio (below my past as non graphic as possible and a quick run through) that i dont know how to connect to people without sex but that i am trying and wanting to learn and that was written before any threads or posts so its not like its a suprise to anyone. And on there it does say that i was in a cult headed by my mom & step dad from age 6 to 18 and that i was a forced prostitute and there were very bad rituals and punishments (no details) but anyone with a brain could figure out that i would likely turn anything private, long term, and feeling like i should be connecting to this person into a highly sexualized thing...its just what i do and im trying to stop, per my message to him when he was ok with me sending the picture but didnt want us to get in trouble for sending 'porn' like his freak friend.
I want to continue to speak to him, i view him now as a friend whom has been there in very hard times; gotten me through hard times where without him i would of cut, punished, done a ritual, or something.
He certianly isnt trying to be a stand in therapist, he encourages my therapist and my therapist knows about all of our conversations...but this one cuz i dont see him until Thurs.
My therapist has been encouraging this as its teaching me a lot; how to connect with someone & how to communicate, processing a lot of my past and even feeling emotions about it i didnt know I had...a lot of good has come out of this.
What would you do if you had a friend that thought that what this child porn guy did was ok and had a sexual dream about something you did in your past as a child? I mean to his defense on that, i told it like it was a penthouse story but i did make him aware of my age but it was very detailed a graphic so im not sure about the dream. Whats making me sick is this photographer freak friend of his and taking up for him.
Would you tell him that it triggered you, that you want to go back to processing and DBT and stuff and see what he does or would you cut contact with him?
Im so sad...he's my only friend. The only person i can talk to about almost anything and it has turned into something so wrong and i know thats my fault and i didnt mean for it to. I know im gonna get a lot of "i told you so". I dont want to stop talking to him, i just want our conversations back like they used to be. They are useless the way they are now but to re-enforce that in order to connect to people i have to include sex...and going down that road, i fear, that will be going backwards..and i want to have a friend...and he was/is a friend that i can tell anything to and has been there so much for me. I dont know what to do! :(
Im sorry to make this long and complicated...
Last edited:
