I Dont Know What To Do....

[lostforgottensoul]

@joeylittle as always, you make awesome suggestions. I did, in the message that I just sent and see he is reading, that the conversation needs to get back to DBT, process etc (as it was a bit more than DBT) and that i wasnt blaming him, I know i steered it that way and now im steering it back. In the past he has wanted to stay away from sex and on processing so as long as he isnt now thinking w/ his other brain, history will show he will reapect that.

I also told him that i may take a break til Thurs, cause I trust the level head my therapist has, he's never steered me wrong and if he thinks i need to end the relationship then i will but he's so far been for the relationship as it has a ton of teaching things in it even if we are just talking about the popcorn on the ceiling.

I tried to give him my perspective of it, and told him im not scolding, im triggered and why. He knows that ive always made a non-judgemental space and that includes this.

I did tell him that he is free to think of it as he likes but this is how im thinking of it and my brain, right now, is (i didnt say it this way) but truthfully its automatically seeing him as an abuser or "them" but the words i used is its not making a distinction from him and them.

Onset he ifnored my flirts, but he did his own sorta processing in there and i guess ir qas over not needing permission to enjoy it? But it is a mental health site mostly with sexual abuse victims on it...he is an admin like yourself so why he didnt like make that boundry clear from the get go or at least not tell me as telling me was the switch that sqitch the seduction on. If i never new id probably still be flirting but it wouldnt be what it is today, or at least the last few days. Today i havent had much convo w/ him.

I can change my bio, like on here i also took it as like a biography which includes my past but some dont have anything on it, some have a few things, some just have their hobbies etc. So changing it is a good idea, or at least that part.

I mean its true BUT you are right, the more i say it the more true it becomes...i think thats what you're saying.

Im def trying to learn. Its sad that i dont know how to like have basic interactions with a person w/o involving sex and this convo in its beginnings taught me a lot. Ita been sort insane this last week and i dont even know how it all started.

Im sitting here thinking "what can i put my bio but that?" I already have being an artist on there but i dont know what else defines me.

Y'all know me pretty well...maybe i can ask y'all how y'all see me. I dunno. Would have no idea what to put on there though. Gotta think about that for a while.

I did have a freakish guy, they have a trigger icon and a trigger code and he put content that should be in the trigger code so i nocely let him know, linked him to it and then he messaged me, he's in a sexless marriage, looking for an online sex relationship, wants to know my sexscapes and tell me his. Dude, all i did was tell you to use the trigger icon and code. I never answered him but i see what you mean.

 

[Klo]

Y'all know me pretty well...maybe i can ask y'all how y'all see me.

Well for one you are impressively introspective. That's been obvious to me and I've only seen 2 of your threads so far.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I didn't try to warn you so that I could come back and say "told you so" or any asshat thing like that. I tried to warn you so that if it took this sort of turn, you would have our voices (all the people here who were concerned) in your mind, having your back, encouraging you to trust your gut and validating you. I've gotten myself into hotter messes than this, so I know how it can be.

I could hug you for that! I was like "omg they are gonna say they told me"

I dont know if he's a prediator, he doesnt give me that vibe and i think eveyone in real life is out to hurt me. Online is a bit different. He is a bit 'freakish' in his sex stuff but to each his own I suppose.

He may have used the DBT/cult stuff...he was in a thing my therapist knew about called est, i told my therapist about it towarda the end of the session but my therapist knew about it.

Once he came out with the name towards the end of his writtings he wrote forever ago i googled it and the min I saw Landmark I freaked, they are all over that Cult Education site that Simply gave me so i asked about it, persistantly.

Est was before it became Landmark but it seems a lot like just mindfulness/mediation. I havent really taken any of it to heart but i wanted to be sure he wasnt apewing another cult at me. My therapist didnt seem concerned.

I dont know about the preditor stuff but trust for him is gone and i did tell him that, in different wording but did tell him. He's still writing me back as he's still in a private message and i didnt write that much so we will see what he says. If he can see it from my perspective or not will be a big tell but regardless, trust is gone and not sure it will ever be the same and if it cant, theres not much point for me in continuing so we will see.

Please continue to trust your gut and tell your therapist everything. It could very well be that you are confronting something with all of this, perhaps part of the reason you are compelled to keep talking to him, and I hope your therapist can help you with it.

Always! My therapust knows all and always will. He is my gauge at the moment as i dont really have one...or a good one.

Thank you for caring!

 

[joeylittle]

Y'all know me pretty well...maybe i can ask y'all how y'all see me. I dunno. Would have no idea what to put on there though. Gotta think about that for a while.

Even if you want to include your trauma history - there's a way to do that with and without self-judgement. I'm just suggesting you remove the judgement, because this:

I mean its true BUT you are right, the more i say it the more true it becomes...i think thats what you're saying.

My trauma bio could say: I was kidnapped, raped, tortured, and photographed when I was 13. After that, I spent most of my life being obsessed with recreating violent and dangerous sexual situations. I usually think that I was turned into a deviant sexual creature after that happened, and still wonder if I will ever have an orgasm again - because my first ones were had while covered in blood, being raped.

Or it could say: I was kidnapped, raped, tortured, and photographed when I was 13. Afterwards, I received no help or counseling, and it affected my sense of self profoundly. I wasn't able to talk about it until very recently, and after I started that process, I developed PTSD. I'm here to connect with other survivors of violent sexual assault and have a space where I can work things out in a peer-supported environment.

The first one has lots of self-judgment in it. The second one is entirely factual. Both are personal, both are honest.

I think you are doing great; and remember, if you feel that urge to engage in sex talk again, you can always just log out. Walk away for awhile. It's like any other self-harm urge, really.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well for one you are impressively introspective. That's been obvious to me and I've only seen 2 of your threads so far.

I had to google that lol "the act or process of looking into oneself" really? I see the opposite. Self awareness has to slap the f*ck out of me for me to see it lol.

I think going away from the site when i did and at least the early part of the conversation and the talking w/ others w/ BPD, self abuse, and that SI (mainly where i hang on the site) helps. I gain awareness of myself by bouncing my thoughts off of others cause stuck in my head and it makes no sense to me.

Ive gotten better at most things aince ive been back. A few have told me that. So it was good for something at least! ;)

 

[joeylittle]

Est was before it became Landmark but it seems a lot like just mindfulness/mediation. I havent really taken any of it to heart but i wanted to be sure he wasnt apewing another cult at me. My therapist didnt seem concerned.

Landmark is a pyramid scheme and it's got a heavy emphasis on recruitment. I agree with your therapist that there's not a need to worry about landmark specifically, but if he were to ever suggest that you go to a workshop, you just need to know that it's not totally altruistic.

 

[Klo]

I had to google that lol "the act or process of looking into oneself" really? I see the opposite. Self awareness has to slap the f*ck out of me for me to see it lol.

Being introspective doesn't mean you're going to get all the answers and magically cure yourself right away. It's about having the desire and humility to look inwards in the first place, it's about giving a damn. A lot of people don't. That's why narcissism is so rampant. Being highly introspective is a rare but extremely valuable strength. Like all up in your threads you're taking responsibility and being honest left and right, whereas most people just blame and wallow in victimhood. You surely deserve to get better, you are fighting for it ferociously.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think you are doing great; and remember, if you feel that urge to engage in sex talk again, you can always just log out. Walk away for awhile. It's like any other self-harm urge, really.

Thanks! Its a ritual urge so it feels stronger than a cutting urge and the only way ive been able to fight it w/o going on the edge suicidal is to talk to someone online cuz typing is easier.

But bouncing between the two sites is most def helping. When one becomes too much i go to the other one. So i can do that if the conversation ends.

As for loosing my imagined safe place & thus being stuck in the DBT book, im just letting it come to me. Sort of stopped trying to force myself to feel safe to end up in the exact opposite.

Here is my bio copied and pasted, i dont think its all that judgemental, they have trigger warnings there so i couldnt be triggering. I am def gonna take the 'dont know how to connect w/ people w/o sex' part out or some how re word it. I only put it there so people would get why i very much suck at making a connection to people:

Biography
I am unsure of what or how much to state here, and dont want to be triggering, so I will only state that Im 34 yrs old, I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and possible but not disgnosed Attachment Disorder. I grew up in a cult made by my step dad and headed by my step dad & mom starting at age 6 and continued until age 18. I was forced to prostitute, rented, do a lot of very bad rituals, and punished in very bad ways. My family do not believe me and have stopped talking to me, Im not married and cannot have children, I have no friends and terrified of people (especially women) so I am completely alone. I joined another online community that I wont name and still belong there, online feels safer but I struggle with knowing how to correctly interact with people and so I often feel Im standing alone at a dance. It is also specific in one disorder so I am hoping that being a very complicated person, this can be a more rounded support but I appologize for anything I may do or say that may not be correct. Im still learning. Ive been in therapy for 7 yrs but i carried full blame for my past until 2 weeks ago so Im finding now that I can move and get better a bit easier now. I am dyslexic and so often miss read things, I very much care about others, I long to be understood, I still self do the cult's rituals really dont know why, I do and feel a lot of things and dont know why, I feel split in half; the cult 'brainwashed' side that fights everything and the real me that is lost and trapped inside of myself that is trying very hard to get better. The cult's beliefs are now my core beliefs but Im struggling to narrow anything down small enough to be able to change it. I do not have DID but my "child self" is still very much with me and only came out at night until blame was shifted. Im currently trying to talk to "her", figure out how to show "her" love so that eventually I can grieve "her"; when speaking to me it is usual to feel you are speaking to an adult and a child, because you are. I dont know how to connect to others without sex but Im trying (feel like Im doing a horrible job at it) but still trying to. I am currently a clean addict, I have been a cutter since I was 7 and suicidal since I was 8. So thats me in a very fast a non-detailed way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Landmark is a pyramid scheme and it's got a heavy emphasis on recruitment. I agree with your therapist that there's not a need to worry about landmark specifically, but if he were to ever suggest that you go to a workshop, you just need to know that it's not totally altruistic.

Nah, he was in est, what it was before it was Landmark. He just sorta wrote a memoir after that he shared of his experience. He didnt like suggest i go or even do it but its a very "take what you get" person and thats where he got it.

 

[Stickler]

My gut response often seems to be better than my intellectual one...
My gut response would be to bug the hell out.
...my intellectual one would be to stay and figure it out?

I think the guy is not safe for you because of the boundary issues. Just ain't.

I too feel weird about the nude "art photography" of underaged people...were I a photographer it is not something I would do...consenting adults? No problem!
But as an adult I am capable of making my own damnfool mistakes, should they wind up being mistakes. Not so much kids.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You surely deserve to get better, you are fighting for it ferociously.

I wont fight the deserve part of that statement like i badly want to...but i am trying damn hard, not sure i could try any harder but not sure i have any other choice though....its either fight like hell or let it kill me.

I always say, 'deprogramming' yourself = :banghead: X a million!

But thank you, I feel thats a good thing! ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

consenting adults? No problem!
But as an adult I am capable of making my own damnfool mistakes, should they wind up being mistakes. Not so much kids.

My issue w/ it too. He isnt the photographer but he is the friend of the photographer, has one of his books which has god knows what in it, and justifies it. That just really bothers my "inner child" that was one of them!

I think the guy is not safe for you because of the boundary issues. Just ain't.

Im now wondering why the owner of the site made him an admin. He lacks the boundries needed. Like here (most of the time) you send a MOD a msg, they invite all of them for transparacy, i get that.

Even if he didnt, there are thousands (maybe more, the site has to be 50 times bigger than this one) of wounded women that lack the ability to make a boundry and could get sucked up or start that. It could have been any one of us. He should have made a clear boundry from the get go.

Like my therapist did. Poor guy. He must of thought he had a crazy one on his hands. I was all trying to take clothes off, he's trying as gently as he could to stop me and then i curl on the couch and start biting myself saying "no one likes me".

He also didnt know but soon after i told him that 2 of the 4 free therapists acted on my seductions so thats what i thought was suppose to happen. I was a hot mess! Lol

Its been 7 yrs and god, yrs and yrs and yrs since i had any thought like that and we still talk about transference about every session.

My therapist said what i did in the conversation was transference. I thought that was just towards therapist but apparently not.