I Can't Let Go

[DaisySH]

I've been struggling with my divorce... Something in my heart tells me I should not let it go. When is the right time? I know these are questions no one can truly answer but I feel like I am going to explode and maybe that would be best. I have PTSD, but so does he. I have been in therapy and feel I am working on coping and dealing. He has not been consistent and until now is when he is finally going... He is currently disassociating and has told me he is no longer in love with me. He feels the best is divorce. I am so lost... I don't know what the best choice is... He has not been bad to me, and I cannot fathom a life without him... I am so contradicting... I say one day I want to move on, and then the next I just wish things could go back to the messed up way they were-because even then I was happy.... Ok, thoughts are leaving... thanks for reading

 

[Deleted member 28403]

It takes a while to fight the inertia of a relationship... Even after leaving a relationship, from time to time, thoughts of going back come, as that is the way the brain works,takes some time to rewire it and be fully capable again :hug: I've been going through similar

 

[DaisySH]

thanks Noa :hug:

 

[ladee]

Thanks for sharing! You were describing my divorce from my second husband. I know, for me, it took time. When someone says they do not love you anymore, it hurts beyond words. And in my case, I kept going back just to stop the pain.. it never worked. It takes time... I learned more about myself than I ever wanted to know going thru that. That is not a negative, it turned out to be very positive. You will get thru it. Not without a few bloody fingernail surrenders to the facts. Keep coming here and sharing what is going on... The more you share, the more feedback and encouragement you get, the better you feel... thank you for being here. Hugs if you accept them..

 

[lostforgottensoul]

First, I am so sorry about the divorce, I know its hard! :hug:

and then the next I just wish things could go back to the messed up way they were-because even then I was happy.

I say all the time and just said it to my therapist yesterday; I want my boring supressed, dont feel anything life back because back then I wasnt triggered, tailspinning, i would say happy as things came up on their own & I still hated myself so i became an addict...but i would say those days were easier...i wasnt in a fight with myself.

BUT, if it stayed supressed, I would never had had the chance to heal & get better and i know, & my therapist agreed, it would have killed me. The next suicide attempt or one of them may have been successful.

If things were "messed up" then were they healthy and were you truely happy? Could you be in a road of healing & a better life now though you arent there yet & its hard right now?

 

[Friday]

Just because he wants a divorce doesn't mean you have to agree.

You can choose to fight it. Go, nah nah nah. This is a dark time for you baby, & I got that, & Im still here. We're married, not dating, & you've got yourself some time to put things right... so long as you don't go and f*ck both of us over. I'm here. Take care of your shit man. I've gotcha, in the meantime.

LOL. That's the soft fight. There's hard fight, too. Too early in the day for me to write that shit out.

You can choose to ignore it. Wait for his symptomatic ass to actually follow through and file if that's what he really wants, instead of doing his work for him. Go on about your life in the meantime. Wait and see what he actually does, and not just what he says.

You can separate without divorcing. Until you settle on a position yourself... And either agree & file, or disagree & fight it.

Or you can straight up agree.

But just because he thinks it's best? Doesn't mean you have to. Even if it's what you end up doing.

 

[DaisySH]

Thanks for sharing! You were describing my divorce from my second husband. I know, for me, it took time. W...

Thanks @ladee . I need the encouragement no matter what direction I chose to go.

First, I am so sorry about the divorce, I know its hard! :hug:



I say all the time and just...

@lostforgottensoul, I am not even sure... I know that I love him and I cant imagine a future without him.. But I do know that I do need to find myself.. I need to work on me... I am not sure what to do or what will be my next step... but I hope I can muster the strength of reach it

Just because he wants a divorce doesn't mean you have to agree.

You can choose to fight it. Go, nah...

Thanks @FridayJones , I guess you are right... If he wants to make moves he can make them. I will not. He is moving to another room in the house but is not leaving... His mouth says one thing but his face tells me differently... I am not sure what will happen but for now I need to focus on me.. On not going insane on top of the other issues I have to deal with.

 

[ladee]

When we get mixed messages it is so crazy making. Keeping our focus on them , rather than our self... So please stay the course of taking care of you.... whether or not things work out, you will have you on the other side.... Hope you come here often and share.... I feel so bad for your pain. I know what that feels like. You are not alone. lots of hugs if you accept them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am not even sure... I know that I love him and I cant imagine a future without him.. But I do know that I do need to find myself.. I need to work on me... I am not sure what to do or what will be my next step... but I hope I can muster the strength of reach it

There you go, you pinpointed it right there! Divorce is hard, it hurts, it sucks, BUT you need to work on YOU and he needs to work on HIM and if later you two decide that the realtionship is healthy and will remain healthy then ok. But in a discription of "things were messed up but i was happy", im wondering if you were truely happy or what i call fake happy, telling yourself that you're happy. Regardless, something thats "messed up" isnt healthy.

I understand still loving him. Probably the hardest thing i had to go through in life was learning my ex was cheating on me (god only knows why with my libido) but things were VERY messed up, we were both coke & crack addicts, him using my abilty to seduce men to get more, him going off on rages that were way dangerous, but i loved him...i did, he had good qualities and i saw those. And i know he loved me, to a point i suppose. I left him about 11 yrs ago, (i keep editing the yrs, was a long time ago lol), right about '09 when i had my accident and moved back down here, he wanted to get back together, give it another go. He had gotten clean and i said "yeah ok, lets get together and see where it goes". I learned that it wasnt going to work out, i was going to be settling for something i dodnt want. And dare i say i deserved better?

My point to all of that is, though i loved him with all my heart and it tore my heart out to leave him and was in tremdous pain over it for a long time, it wasnt healthy and i needed to leave to get clean and to be healthy. I needed to work on me....i needed to leave for me.

Not sure if any of that helps. :hug: