Relationship Ptsd Sufferers Who Have Cheated On Their Partners, I Have Questions For You...

[Deleted member 17302]

PTSD sufferers who have cheated on their partners, I have some questions for you.

1. Why did you cheat on your partner?
2. Did your partner find out?
3. How did your partner find out?
4. Did you feel bad for cheating?
5. Did you blame your partner for your cheating? (If yes: Why and did you come to realize that you can't blame your partner for your wrong doing of cheating on them, and how did you come to that conclusion?)
   
6. Did you stop cheating on your partner for good?
7. How did you stop cheating, and how long did it take for you to go from cheating behavior to never wanting to and actually not ever doing it again?
   
8. How did your partner trust you again / what things did you do to regain your partners trust? How long did that take to get even a tiny bit of trust back to where things were you both could love each other comfortably?

I have a feeling this has happened in more relationships with PTSD than I have read about and would like to understand this scenario better from top to bottom if at all possible. If there is information that would not be answered by those listed questions, please include that as well if you could.

 

[Lucycat]

You have started this thread with a question to sufferers in the 'supporters' section.

Perhaps you would also like to extend the question to supporters and find out why they cheat too?

 

[Riot]

I agree with @Lucycat. I don't think cheating is limited to someone's mental wellness by definition.

 

[hodge]

Definitely not. I have never cheated on my husband. I'm a sufferer. I would never do so. He's the man of my dreams.

 

[Suzetig]

While your questions don't explicitly say so, it sounds like you're trying to place cheating in the context of PTSD.

PTSD isn't why someone cheats, they cheat for a whole myriad of reasons but to ascribe cheating behaviours to PTSD is to deny someone's individual accountability for their own behaviours.

 

[sun seeker]

What does any of this have to do with PTSD?

 

[hodge]

Yep, what Suzetig said. Cheating is not a "symptom" of PTSD but reflects the character of the person who does it.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

You have started this thread with a question to sufferers in the 'supporters' section.

Perhaps you would...

Reasons that people cheat without a condition distorting their perspectives is already well established.

Distortion for PTSD already noted are trust issues, extra stress AKA stress cup and stress distorts decision making and perspectives, difficulty and numbness at times to love being given to them, and those are the common ones talked about on these boards.

Trust and love distortions alone are enough to give an increase to cheating if a person is predisposed to cheating even without the condition.

PTSD doesn't make you cheat, it gives rise to things that do make you more likely to cheat. That is the point of this all together. For instance increased stress and difficulty mitigating it gives rise to increased abuse, name calling, leaving partners, etc. Cheating is my focus of topic for this thread in the context of people that suffer from PTSD relating to the questions posed in the list.

Please do not distort my motivation for posting as that is not useful to anyone.

 

[Fadeaway]

Why is this aimed at PTSD sufferers?

Look I can understand you wanting to understand why someone would cheat. I can see why some people who have been cheated would like to blame PTSD as the reason their partner cheated because it may be a less painful for them to explain it away as PTSD. They may find it easier to forgive their partner if they believe a mental illness caused their partner to cheat, but guess what? It doesn't.

Cheating is a choice. Having PTSD does not take that choice away from us. This is comming from someone with a lot of trust and love distortion issues.

Trust and love distortions alone are enough to give an increase to cheating if a person is predisposed to cheating even without the condition.

I respectfully disagree, but I can see why it would make you feel better to belive that.

 

[joeylittle]

PTSD doesn't make you cheat, it gives rise to things that do make you more likely to cheat.

I'm genuinely curious - have you, yourself, ever cheated on a romantic partner?

I'm asking because there are as many reasons to be unfaithful as there are grains of sand on the beach. Psychologically speaking, the inability to maintain close relationships is an actual symptom of the personality disorder cluster. I understand that you are suggesting the reverse, that having the symptoms of PTSD creates a situation where a person would be more likely to damage their relationships - but unfortunately, that's not how relationship psychology works.

Infidelity is a way of breaking off or challenging a relationship. It is also a way of surviving a relationship. But for it to be pathological (i.e. related to a mental health condition), it would, by default, be lacking in identifiable motivation. It would not have a direct, obvious cause. So, you cannot look at PTSD pathology and then 'diagnose' infidelity.

You'd be better off looking at why any person seeks to break off, challenge, or cope with a relationship through infidelity.

But, if you want to connect PTSD and cheating, the real question you'd have to ask (in order to find a correlation) would be: Do individuals with PTSD tend to seek out relationships that will ultimately be unfulfilling, either because they have been conditioned to repeat abuse patterns, or because they see themselves as 'damaged goods'?

Was I unfaithful? Yes. Was it because of my depression? No. Did my depression lead to a situation where I was more likely to be unfaithful? No, because the symptoms of depression and the action of cheating are only very peripherally related - you could maybe point at self-destruction. But it's the same as saying that using butter as opposed to shortening in the cookies led to me eating the pan of cookies - maybe there's a small connection there, but really, I ate the pan of cookies for a different, more obvious reason. Maybe hunger, maybe sugar craving, maybe comfort eating, binge behavior...but butter is not the common factor.

Does that make sense?

I'm not sure I'm articulating well, but hopefully there's something useful in here for you.

 

[Mytime]

Ok I'm going to take a deep breath before I reply. And I hope you do to with me.

I am going to guess, that your partner cheated or you feel they cheated. But I could be wrong and I'm misunderstanding your post.

If your partner did cheat, then I can share my experience, when I was cheated on.

The first thing I would like to say is. The cheating had nothing to do with you. And others may disagree, that's ok. Cheating is a choice and no one can make you cheat. It doesn't matter if your unhappy in your relationship or if your partner is unhappy. What does matter is they own it. They don't say you did this,you did that. They say I made a mistake and acknowledged what they did and why. Cheating is a choice.

With that being said. The pain and betrayal you may feel can almost be crippling. The feeling of sadness,anger, worthlessness,blame,guilt,ect. You question who you are,(because if you are a good person no one would hurt you this way) you question your relationship, was it all a lie?

Again, It's not about you. But there is good news. You can work through it, it's hard work, takes times and can make you stronger as a couple.

Cheating hurts. But I don't think PTSD makes people cheat. It's making the wrong choice.

I wish you the best in your healing.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

While your questions don't explicitly say so, it sounds like you're trying to place cheating in the cont...

Why is this aimed at PTSD sufferers?

Look I can understand you wanting to understand why someone would...

Just because YOU do not have the cheating issue and you DO have the trust and love issue, does not remove the reality of why people cheat normally.

People cheat because of many reasons normally and two of those are feelings of distrust of their partner and feelings of not being loved or desired. Lack of trust which then makes them interested to cheat to punish or because they feel that it gives them more power or what not. Lack of feeling love or desired makes them interested to cheat to get that love or feeling of love and passion and being desired. This is not a conclusive list and never was said to be one either.

Not all PTSD sufferers have the same traits or behavior which means that I am not looking for those that don't cheat to give their input on a subject that is focused on those that actually have or do. If you don't want to be treated as a blanket set of traits and behavior, do not apply such things to others that do have the traits and behavior that do fit the profile in which I am trying to understand better. I figured this was clear by my previous reply that clarified the intentions and request not to distort the actual motivations or focus of the post.

The post title was clear that it was looking for specific set of things which means that anyone that doesn't fit those things have no reason to answer unless they DO have solid information that fits the profile detailed by the post title. I'm not trying to be rude, but it is unsettling and frustrating that people do not pay attention and then become offended by their own misinterpretations. So I am sorry if this reply or thread offends you, but it is intended to fact find for a very specific focus that has been detailed by the title and questions.