Relationship Ptsd Question/ Wife Left

[MMKM]

My Wife and myself were a proud and happy Same sex couple. We got married on Halloween 2015 and now March 7th 2016 She left me and walked out on me. Said she just wanted to be friend. She said her PTSD, Depression and Anxiety was getting to her but she never came to me or spoke to me about it so I could help her..

But before that, She started to get very distance and would rather spend more time with her friends and stay over then come home. She never told me the issues or would talk to me about it. She does Suffer from PTSD. She had a very shitty and traumatic childhood. But I was just hoping to get some inside. She started taking pills and drinking before she left and any time I mention it she would out lash about it. so I tried to just let it go. But when she was giving me the ' break' talk she still said she loved me and would always love me and that she needed to fix herself before she could be with me and now just yesterday she sent me a huge text saying she was done and she wasn't going to do this anymore. ( Someone told her I was talking shit about her, but I wasn't. I would never talk shit about it. I just want her back. God I just want her back. She is my best friend, the light to my darkness and the air to my lungs) She deleted me on FB and blocked my number I have zero contact with her now.

But after talking with our friends, I've noticed that everyone has noticed that she hasn't really been our person she normally is. My Wife is normally very strong, tough chick who doesn't take shit but after talking with a few people. They have told me she's quiet, spaced out and doesn't stick up for herself. That she's a little distance and will sometimes lash out at them too. This is not normal for her at all. I'm only hearing from people as again I have no contact with her. Sometimes she gets like this when something hits her mind about his PTSD. But other then that she's normally funny, romantic and amazing to be around. She a very happy laughing person even with what she has gone through. But I think she had Seasonal blues and then all this shit happen to her ; But anyway, before the 7th, on the 5th of march her grandfather who pretty much raised her passed away, and then a demon from her past who did something wrong to her tried to make contact so I thought all that happening at once was a trigger of some sort. I just need some help and some inside. I don't know how much space I should give her, I don't know why I should try to talk to her. I don't know what to do. I just want my Wife back, I want her back. She is my everything. But when her sisters, step fathers and other family are coming to me and telling me that they are even noticing that, that isn't hurt it makes me worry. I know right now she's staying at a friends house and is safe and that's the main thing.

I just need some advice and help. Anyone please?

 

[Casey_03]

Honestly, I think you should give her complete space. Don't contact her, just wait and see if she contacts you. She's already blocked you and made it clear she doesn't want to speak, and regardless of her reasons for doing this, contacting her to try and change her mind will only make things worse. I know a lot of supporters think that because someone has PTSD, if they request space, maybe they don't really mean it, or maybe they're in pain and they need love and support and to be reminded that someone is waiting for them. But in my experience, when I pushed someone away, the more they reached out to me, the worse the situation got. Even if they just texted or messaged to say something kind, it just made me go deeper into my hole. That's not to say that she is the same as me, but I do think many PTSD sufferers really really need their space when they ask for it. That's not to say that she is gone for good, or that her motives for doing this are clear. There could be a number of different things going on. My first thought was that you guys haven't been married for that long, so she may just now be starting to deal with certain issues and need time to sort out her head. (Though if you guys were together for a long time before the marriage, I guess that is less likely). Taking pills and drinking is not really a good sign, and that combined with her grandfather passing away and the other stuff you mention .... well, that'd be enough to throw anybody off, especially someone with PTSD. Was she ever treated for PTSD? That's important too. All I can really offer as advice is to let her have her space and realize that it may be better for the relationship in the long run if she is able to get this out of her system now and get help. In the meantime, for your own sanity, I would suggest writing letters to her -- everything you want to ask and say but can't right now. You don't have to give them to her, but it will help you get your own thoughts out and you can always give them to her at a later point.

 

[Nicolette]

I know right now she's staying at a friends house and is safe and that's the main thing.

Very true! I know how difficult it is to be in your position (thankfully only for a few brief periods over the years) and the only advice I can safely give is let her make the moves initially but you also have to do what's right for you. If you make no contact it might be the wrong thing, if you do make contact it could be wrong.....so, I guess I'd suggest living by your convictions while trying to have reasonable compassion and tolerance for someone with mental health issues.

I just want my Wife back, I want her back.

You might like to think about this as, even if she comes home right now, it sounds like she may not be the same person you think she is. She sounds unwell and if it's a PTSD flare up, she may even seem like someone you don't know at times. Good luck!

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I agree with @Nicolette and @Casey_03 As hard as it is, you have to let things take their course. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing what is the right thing to do. All you can do is do what you think is best once you have somehow found that moment of peace where you aren't deciding based on your emotions beyond a sort of detached sense that you love the person and want them to recover back to their true selves for however long that might last. It is an absolute mind f*ck to see your world suddenly implode out of no where. I found some solace in the fact that I wasn't alone and that this happens to a lot of us who happen to find these sweet, charismatic people who suddenly just "change" all of a sudden. It is excruciatingly painful to see them shutdown and go "cold" but then not take it personal. All you can really do then is protect yourself because you're of no use to them or anyone if you break down too. I myself had to talk to a therapist for the first time and she wrote this to me which helped: "There were factors far, far, far beyond your control or abilities to manage and that’s okay. Just as physical illness is not personal to you (if she sneezes on you, that doesn’t make you less of a person), mental illness also displays symptoms that might get projected on to you, but have nothing to do with you (those behaviors would exist whether or not you were in her life)." This has kept me sane for a while, as I try and shed a lot of the codependency symptoms I developed. Like you, I have no idea if she's coming back and there's been minimal contact or expressions that she even cares about me anymore.

 

[Mytime]

Most of us, supporter are going thought the same thing. I don't think I can add much more. Just know your not alone and we are here to help you.

Maybe look into therapy for yourself.
Sending hugs it you expect

 

[PDJ]

That quote from your therapist is absolutely magical. I find myself on the outside after 6/7 weeks of hurt and pain and that quote makes so much sense.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

That quote from your therapist is absolutely magical. I find myself on the outside after 6/7 weeks of hurt a...

Yes. I've had to lean heavily on it. I try and do the healthy thing and review my therapy notes, and focus on myself, but I find i'm slipping up the past couple of days and wondering if she'll come back. I miss her. I know a relationship is NOT healthy for her right now. At the same time, I know I can be there for her. It's a mess of conflicting emotions. I sympathize greatly with everyone going through the same.

 

[PDJ]

Yes. I've had to lean heavily on it. I try and do the healthy thing and review my therapy notes,...

I hear exactly what you're saying. I am in the same boat. It is incredibly tough. Things going from perfect to horrific at the click of a finger. Hearing some very very hurtful things directed towards you which you know (or hope) they don't mean. I journal a lot - which has helped a great deal. It's still incredibly tough.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Very true! I know how difficult it is to be in your position (thankfully only for a few brief periods ov...

No offense, but I'm tired of this advice society keeps giving people about marriage and long term relationships. This kind: "Do what makes you FEEL right and leave if that is how you can do that." What happened to "In sickness and in health" part of vows and actually giving a crap about your partner. PTSD is a mental ILLNESS which is sickness. If someone told my wife at some point to just leave me if I was in the hospital in a coma for three months, I'd be ultra pissed when I came out of it.

Stop giving this awful advice people.

 

[anonymous]

You aren't understanding mr smith. For some with PTSD having someone contact them when they want space feels like an assault. For others it's helpful. You are looking at this through the bias of your own prejudices without fully understanding PTSD. You would be better served to listen to others than have more experience and knowledge..

 

[anonymous]

It's very hard to say what would work best as we can't see into her mind. Maybe one of your friends would try to reassure her for you that you weren't saying anything undermining as she thinks. If you do contact her its best not to put any pressure on her. Just a reassurance that you are OK and that you continue to care and are a safe haven for her if she wants to talk or have any contact. Thinking we are harming others is a common reason many of us want to stay away.

It sounds to me like her PTSD has been triggered and her symptoms have worsened. Its no wonder if she was contacted by her abuser. The best thing her family and friends can do is to encourage her to get specialised professional PTSD treatment. I wouldn't trust the smiley her stuff. A lot of us are experts at disguise and don't want to burden others with what we are experiencing. Sometimes it gets to strong to hide though

Most importantly get support for yourself and look after you.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

You aren't understanding mr smith. For some with PTSD having someone contact them when they want space...

You have responded to the topic of not leaving the partner when they bail for space without structured communication with the topic of communicating with someone that has left for isolation. They are NOT the same topic.