Bragado Jansing
Bronze Member
Hello everyone,
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I first experienced it when I was 16 and it was bad: I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn't leave my bedroom for a month, couldn't sleep, etc. But I quashed it down and went on with my life, as is our culture. Which of course just made it worse.
A few years ago I graduated from law school and my abusive family reappeared in my life and did a damn fine job retraumatizing me (dad tried to have sex with me, family started hunting me down and tormenting me over the phone and at my job, great stuff). My job was in an extremely dysfunctional environment--my boss I'm pretty sure was a psychopath who conned me with hopes of family, belonging, all that great stuff, and I made the mistake of telling her about my trauma, which she later used to torture me with for laughs. Other boss was this creepy woman who sexually harassed me in this sadosexual way, which was also great... I'm a guy, so people laugh in my face and call me a "fag" because I wasn't into this demented, abusive harassment.
So now I'm in PTSD part 2! And I'm without a job right now because I had to quit after having a nervous breakdown and experiencing the early symptoms of a heart attack. I'm unemployed and reeling from PTSD yet again, without family, without support, and I'm very worried about where I'm going to end up. I have to find a new job ASAP since the United States doesn't give unemployment to people who quit regardless of the circumstances (and if they're illegal circumstances, which they were in my case, I'll have to hire an attorney, which I can't afford). USA indeed.
I'm trying to rally myself to kick ass at finding new work like I did in the past, but this time I keep hitting this wall, and it's a wall of pain and confusion. I never understood anything about the abuse I grew up with, and this job made me see the reality of it plain as day. A door has been opened that I can't seem to close, and it's the worst possible time for this to happen.
Background
It was caused by childhood abuse, and my abusers (my family) intentionally traumatized me for fun and profit. Not only that, but they were very intelligent people (MIT-educated, former child prodigies, self-made millionaires, politicians, that sort-of thing, definitely a smart and talented lot of people). My grandfather is a cruel, heartless, sadistic man who was a psychological operations officer in the military, and a PR guy for energy corporations after that, so warping minds was his specialty, and he was pretty good at it. So my family turned my trauma into a personal and social identity, in addition to being a tool they could use to hurt me and control me. I never understood any of this; I've had Stockholm syndrome or something, and my abusive job forced me to face this reality.
Fun traumatizing things: using life-threatening violence and druggings to train me, clever psychological manipulation (false memories, creating identities and rituals, coordinating among family and people outside of family to create a constructed reality, plausible lies that I was born f*cked up, etc., my family made me be friends with and date these sociopathic abusive creeps and treated them like family...). Daily humiliation. Dehumanization. Stuff like forcing me to wear dresses and lipstick and taking me out in public. Forcing me to sleep in mold-covered bedding that would give me painful, bleeding rashes, and then my brother and my "friend" would go into school and spread a rumor that I had AIDS, and my parents would think it was funny... just lots, and lots, and lots of stuff like that. One time I was kidnapped and tortured and my family thought it was hilarious. I could probably list over a hundred things like this that I lived through. Being molested both inside and outside of the family is simply a given. Car accidents. Random street assaults. I worked in criminal law in law school and saw the work of serial killers with my own eyes.
Hoo boy, I experienced pretty much every type of trauma a person can experience, outside of killing someone in a warzone, which I'm thankful for because that sounds like a horrible thing to live with.
Anyway, so I was traumatized on purpose, for fun and to turn me into a slave (for real, my mom said her dream in life was to have her own slave, and moved down to South Carolina waxing romantic about all the plantations around her). My family used their skills to sort-of ... burn my trauma permanently into my brain, because it was a tool for them.Of course that stuff can be broken, too, since it's only ideas, which is what I've done, and which is why I'm here on this forum right now! Took me over 3 years of cognitive bibliotherapy (David Burns, Albert Ellis, Buddhism, philosophy and sociology books, etc.) to untwist their manipulation, lies, and bullshit, and it was some really well-done and well-coordinated stuff! Kudos to those assholes.
Present Day
Now I'm dealing with the aftermath: PTSD, trying to understand the true reality of my life and my family, recovering from my warped, toxic job I just quit, and trying to find a way to enjoy my life so the cost/benefit analysis doesn't fall on me killing myself.
I'm a strong-willed, self-reliant person. I raised myself in a world of hell with no support or care from a single soul. Put myself through college. Got myself a decent corporate career. Graduated law school with an award and kudos from an esteemed academic and Obama-appointee. I'm proud of myself, despite not a single person giving a rat's ass about it, and my family taking a giant shit all over it. Ahem. But here's the issue I'm facing with PTSD...
These emotions are horrible! I thought recovering from this stuff was merely an intellectual exercise, a set of skills and concepts I could master. I had such confidence in myself in doing this because I've pulled things like that off before time and time again. No. It's not like that at all.
What I'm starting to see is there's this entire emotional world inside of me that's filled with excruciating pain, and sadness, and fear, and despair. Realizing the truth about my mom, and dad, and family, brings me back to all of these horribly sad and painful feelings. I need to do this, though, to free myself of their abuse, and to understand their "training" and how it led me to my abusive job and abusive relationships.
Trying to reconnect to my feelings for women and friends is scaring the crap out of me because I've been emotionally numb for decades. It's like I'm taken back to the last time I felt those emotions, which was during my abusive childhood. There's nothing else in between. And it's really confusing, and uncomfortable, and painful, and scary.
My will-power and drive is nothing compared to this. It sucks. It feels so gross, and awful, and terrible, and weird and it's like, I totally see why I ran from this stuff. And I'm also pissed off that my family tricked me into thinking this stuff made me "Boy Blunder" or whatever bullshit scapegoat stuff they were pulling on me.
Treatment and Recovery
So how exactly do I approach recovery? I'm jobless right now so I don't have access to therapy. I'm in the depths of PTSD here and I'm reeling with no outside support. All of my old coping methods I dismantled doing that cognitive bibliotherapy stuff. So I'm naked and alone here and I've got all these crazy friggin emotions whirling around in me and it's like a punch in the gut. Every morning I wake up and I'm like "time to work on my life!" and then... I just fall apart. I hate this.
Any thoughts or ideas? I would love to hear them! Ending up homeless/a suicide is something I don't want to happen, especially after all of the hard work and investment I've put into my life.
Thank you all!
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I first experienced it when I was 16 and it was bad: I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn't leave my bedroom for a month, couldn't sleep, etc. But I quashed it down and went on with my life, as is our culture. Which of course just made it worse.
A few years ago I graduated from law school and my abusive family reappeared in my life and did a damn fine job retraumatizing me (dad tried to have sex with me, family started hunting me down and tormenting me over the phone and at my job, great stuff). My job was in an extremely dysfunctional environment--my boss I'm pretty sure was a psychopath who conned me with hopes of family, belonging, all that great stuff, and I made the mistake of telling her about my trauma, which she later used to torture me with for laughs. Other boss was this creepy woman who sexually harassed me in this sadosexual way, which was also great... I'm a guy, so people laugh in my face and call me a "fag" because I wasn't into this demented, abusive harassment.
So now I'm in PTSD part 2! And I'm without a job right now because I had to quit after having a nervous breakdown and experiencing the early symptoms of a heart attack. I'm unemployed and reeling from PTSD yet again, without family, without support, and I'm very worried about where I'm going to end up. I have to find a new job ASAP since the United States doesn't give unemployment to people who quit regardless of the circumstances (and if they're illegal circumstances, which they were in my case, I'll have to hire an attorney, which I can't afford). USA indeed.
I'm trying to rally myself to kick ass at finding new work like I did in the past, but this time I keep hitting this wall, and it's a wall of pain and confusion. I never understood anything about the abuse I grew up with, and this job made me see the reality of it plain as day. A door has been opened that I can't seem to close, and it's the worst possible time for this to happen.
Background
It was caused by childhood abuse, and my abusers (my family) intentionally traumatized me for fun and profit. Not only that, but they were very intelligent people (MIT-educated, former child prodigies, self-made millionaires, politicians, that sort-of thing, definitely a smart and talented lot of people). My grandfather is a cruel, heartless, sadistic man who was a psychological operations officer in the military, and a PR guy for energy corporations after that, so warping minds was his specialty, and he was pretty good at it. So my family turned my trauma into a personal and social identity, in addition to being a tool they could use to hurt me and control me. I never understood any of this; I've had Stockholm syndrome or something, and my abusive job forced me to face this reality.
Fun traumatizing things: using life-threatening violence and druggings to train me, clever psychological manipulation (false memories, creating identities and rituals, coordinating among family and people outside of family to create a constructed reality, plausible lies that I was born f*cked up, etc., my family made me be friends with and date these sociopathic abusive creeps and treated them like family...). Daily humiliation. Dehumanization. Stuff like forcing me to wear dresses and lipstick and taking me out in public. Forcing me to sleep in mold-covered bedding that would give me painful, bleeding rashes, and then my brother and my "friend" would go into school and spread a rumor that I had AIDS, and my parents would think it was funny... just lots, and lots, and lots of stuff like that. One time I was kidnapped and tortured and my family thought it was hilarious. I could probably list over a hundred things like this that I lived through. Being molested both inside and outside of the family is simply a given. Car accidents. Random street assaults. I worked in criminal law in law school and saw the work of serial killers with my own eyes.
Hoo boy, I experienced pretty much every type of trauma a person can experience, outside of killing someone in a warzone, which I'm thankful for because that sounds like a horrible thing to live with.
Anyway, so I was traumatized on purpose, for fun and to turn me into a slave (for real, my mom said her dream in life was to have her own slave, and moved down to South Carolina waxing romantic about all the plantations around her). My family used their skills to sort-of ... burn my trauma permanently into my brain, because it was a tool for them.Of course that stuff can be broken, too, since it's only ideas, which is what I've done, and which is why I'm here on this forum right now! Took me over 3 years of cognitive bibliotherapy (David Burns, Albert Ellis, Buddhism, philosophy and sociology books, etc.) to untwist their manipulation, lies, and bullshit, and it was some really well-done and well-coordinated stuff! Kudos to those assholes.
Present Day
Now I'm dealing with the aftermath: PTSD, trying to understand the true reality of my life and my family, recovering from my warped, toxic job I just quit, and trying to find a way to enjoy my life so the cost/benefit analysis doesn't fall on me killing myself.
I'm a strong-willed, self-reliant person. I raised myself in a world of hell with no support or care from a single soul. Put myself through college. Got myself a decent corporate career. Graduated law school with an award and kudos from an esteemed academic and Obama-appointee. I'm proud of myself, despite not a single person giving a rat's ass about it, and my family taking a giant shit all over it. Ahem. But here's the issue I'm facing with PTSD...
These emotions are horrible! I thought recovering from this stuff was merely an intellectual exercise, a set of skills and concepts I could master. I had such confidence in myself in doing this because I've pulled things like that off before time and time again. No. It's not like that at all.
What I'm starting to see is there's this entire emotional world inside of me that's filled with excruciating pain, and sadness, and fear, and despair. Realizing the truth about my mom, and dad, and family, brings me back to all of these horribly sad and painful feelings. I need to do this, though, to free myself of their abuse, and to understand their "training" and how it led me to my abusive job and abusive relationships.
Trying to reconnect to my feelings for women and friends is scaring the crap out of me because I've been emotionally numb for decades. It's like I'm taken back to the last time I felt those emotions, which was during my abusive childhood. There's nothing else in between. And it's really confusing, and uncomfortable, and painful, and scary.
My will-power and drive is nothing compared to this. It sucks. It feels so gross, and awful, and terrible, and weird and it's like, I totally see why I ran from this stuff. And I'm also pissed off that my family tricked me into thinking this stuff made me "Boy Blunder" or whatever bullshit scapegoat stuff they were pulling on me.
Treatment and Recovery
So how exactly do I approach recovery? I'm jobless right now so I don't have access to therapy. I'm in the depths of PTSD here and I'm reeling with no outside support. All of my old coping methods I dismantled doing that cognitive bibliotherapy stuff. So I'm naked and alone here and I've got all these crazy friggin emotions whirling around in me and it's like a punch in the gut. Every morning I wake up and I'm like "time to work on my life!" and then... I just fall apart. I hate this.
Any thoughts or ideas? I would love to hear them! Ending up homeless/a suicide is something I don't want to happen, especially after all of the hard work and investment I've put into my life.
Thank you all!
