Hesitation Of Revenge After Ptsd Of Verbal Violence

[Shield Flower]

It's quite a long story, but now I am really going crazy because of my deisre of revenge.
I am now 25, a graduate student, and I have beeen a patient of PTSD caused by childhood physical abuse and have taken psychotherapy for about 11 years. However, my problem now is what I cannot figure it out, even with my psychologist's help.

In my univrsity, doctoral students are allowed to take master courses, and therefore I took a course with a doctoral student. He did not attend the class administratively but jsut asked the professor if he could come and learn smething more. He was quite talkative and seriously interrupted the class. When the professor asked him to stop, he would still ignore and present his opinion. Some of my classmates even skipped classes for it. As the first one who had to do a presentation in that semester, my presentation was destroyed by him. It led to my anger that had accumulated for more than half a semester, and so I typed an artilce on the Facebook club which only classmates of that course could attend to ask him to shut up. Despute that I typed no offensive words (except for shut up), he was pissed.

The next week, during the rest time of that class, he kept yelling at me with offensive words with anger, such as "If you are entally sick, I'll forgive you" for about 20 minutes. (He did push me, too. )The professor who taught that class, though she had already known my typing, she sat in the classroom. My classmates also cold-blooded watched what happened, though they all disliked that doctoral students. After I collapsed because of his humiliation and he finally stopped yelling, I was sent away from the classroom...

Most of my classmates ignored me after that, but they were, with me, disliked that doctoral students. Ironically, all professors in this department and other friends who heard this all said that I was doing the right thing, because even our chair knew that the doctoiral student had some issues and went too far.

However, I lost a friend for misunderstandning her. She typed this on her Facebook, "I think there is nothing wrong in this course." What happened was that after I was sent away from the classroom, the professor said that to the class. My friend, typed that on Facebook to protest her words. None of my classmated or friends dared to tell me that, until I lost control after losing her. I lost her because they "tried to protect me" by sacriificing her and kept them out of this.

This incident has made me suffer from PTSD of this trauma, and there's more.
It's been 1. years, and during this 1.5 years, there are also 2 doctoral students doing similar but worse things to other students. They are arrogant and humiliate others in class, regardless that the teacher has privately stopped them. This semester, I finally have no need to take courses but focus on myu thesis, but I seek for revenge.

I want that professor who caused all these things to be kicked out of the department, and if possible, punished those clod-blooded classmates. The department indirectly claimed to ignore doctiral students' issues, because they are too troublesome. Now I have a plan to send a letter to MOE and the press media for justice and to change thois situation, because even my psychiatrist admitted that I have been tolerating verbal violence. However, my psychologist knows that my pain is from 1. verbal violence, and 2, the friend I lost. She said I was a coward, because I should try to face her but not revenge. I don't know why it is wrong to destroy the porigin of violence.

I am confused and hesitant, because I do not know what to do. PTSD patients have strong desire of revenge, but I think I am planning to do something right. To fix this department, to punish cold-blooded people who ignore violence, and to punish the professor who allows violence. Fixing this situation and vengeance are what I want to do, but, am I wrong?

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

One thing to know about PTSD... When we're triggered? And sometimes even "just" stressed... We're not responding to the present as it is. We're responding to the present as if it's the past.

An argument with a classmate isn't enough to cause PTSD. 11 years of child abuse, on the other hand, very much is. PTSD is a lifelong disorder. Once we have it? We have it for good. And any stressor, large or small, is enough to bring out symptoms. It really doesn't matter what it is. Whether it's bad stress; an argument, a job loss, a relationship ending, some bad news, a failing grade, feeling humiliated, a betrayal... Good stress; a wedding, birth, dream job, new relationship... Or removing a coping mechanism that was keeping our symptoms in check; an injury that means we can't follow our exercise routine any longer, quitting smoking or drinking, a friendship ending, a change in employment... Really. Just about anything that raises our stress levels can bring out symptoms. Sometimes in small ways, other times in huge ways.

What it sounds like to me is that this argument and loss of a friendship kicked off your symptoms caused by your being physically abused as a child, but beyond that... That something in the situation triggered you. So you're directing the kind of rage completely appropriate for child abuse, and people not doing anything about child abuse or to stop it, onto a situation with an obnoxious student you got into an argument with, and all the bystanders. Responding to the present as if it's the past.


Some reading that might help:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

Link Removed


ETA... Just read your other thread... Yeah. I can very much see how if your Kindergarten Teacher almost killed you, why getting into a verbal altercation in college, could easily bring the past crashing in on you, and make exchanging words suddenly feel like life or death... And why you want the professor's head on a platter. I very much have to agree with your therapist, however, that wanting their job & all the students punished is a huge overreaction. That doesn't mean that everything was fine, or the situation wasn't handled badly, and that there doesn't need to be some changes in departmental policies. It just means that you're doing what PTSD does; respond to a car backfiring, like a car bomb.

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with what @FridayJones wrote above, and I would add one thing - Ultimately, if you do choose to get revenge against the professor/university/student, things will likely only get worse. There would be a big scandal, major controversy, and you would be under intense scrutiny, with many people -- even friends -- probably choosing to portray you as unbalanced or crazy. That's just how things like this always play out. The people who raise a fuss over injustice (however minor and however huge) are usually the ones who get skewered in the process. It's not as if you would just walk away unscathed while everyone else has their reputation ruined - your reputation would be ruined as well, just because that's how people respond when under attack. If you go after them, they will go after you. And then the cycle of revenge would continue, and you'd be even angrier than you are now. I was in a very similar situation recently with my work when they quite outrageously tried to discriminate against me. Was I right for exposing their shameful behavior? Yes. But I very quickly realized that the situation was destroying me emotionally, and it just made me a target for attention I did not want, and ultimately the more pumped I got about going after them, the angrier I got and the more distressed. So, I would urge you to vent about this all you want, but as Friday mentioned above, try to examine why you might feel such rage in this situation - where does it really come from?

 

[joeylittle]

To fix this department, to punish cold-blooded people who ignore violence, and to punish the professor who allows violence. Fixing this situation and vengeance are what I want to do, but, am I wrong?

If the department wanted to be fixed, I'm sorry to say, they would fix it themselves. There are times when a single whistle-blower can make an impact, but this doesn't sound like one of those times. I'm also going to guess that the doctoral students are top priority at the school.

Regarding punishment: an important rule of thumb is that you can't make anyone feel what you want them to feel. You want them to feel badly - but there's no way to control whether or not they will. And by setting yourself up as the 'punisher', you're really taking on the responsibility for making sure that they feel ashamed. It's not going to work.

I understand how you are feeling, though. I get especially upset when I think something very wrong is happening, and I cannot stop it. I know that it's a manifestation of my own PTSD, and the best I can do for myself is work on the core beliefs and events that contribute to my feeling helpless.

Glad you joined the forum, and hope it helps.

 

[ladee]

To me, the fact that you are conflicted about doing this says that a huge part of you knows nothing will come of it but more problems for you. So come here and vent and say how you feel and get it out... in essence that's what you would be doing if you went with your plans. I am proud of you for posting , hopefully you have been given some alternative ways to handle this... some that will help you and not cause self harm in the end.

 

[Shield Flower]

Thanks for all yours advice. I've been thinking these days abut this revenge. In fact, both school's consultant and my doctor all claim that I am tolerating verbal violence, and they actually say that this problem should be handled in case of more victims. So my revenge, emotionally, I feel I am not overly reacted. To be honest, I once had the idea that what if I only take revenge on that professor? That, as far as know, will be successful, because even our chair once said that the professor was not qualified to be a teacher. What I am curious is, most friends say that even though I succeed in the end, I will be damaged by myself. I mean, the result is not what may destroy me; I am still confused about what may destroy me, after my revenge - even if it succeeds in the end. The other reason I post this story here and ask for help is that I know, revenge is a part of PTSD, but I have no idea what will come after revenge. At least, as far as I know, and according to your advice, it seems to be self-destruction?

 

[Casey_03]

@Shield Flower I think that in order to answer that last question, we need to know how exactly you will get revenge. What is your plan? To file a complaint against the professor? If so, I don't think that is self destructive, and I don't even think that is really revenge so much as an appropriate response. But when you say "take revenge" it sounds very dramatic and it's unclear what exactly you intend to do, so it's hard to say whether or not it will negatively affect you. How would you want to get revenge? I would say, that if your intention is to publicly punish the professor by either humiliating or slandering her, that won't help you or make you feel any better. It would just result in negative attention and would ultimately be only a negative act. But if, on the other hand, you go through official channels to "get revenge" -- for instance, by filing an official complaint with the school or by very calmly and objectively speaking with someone at the top, then that could be helpful, not only for you but for other students who may agree that this professor was out of line. My only concern, however, is that if you take any actions when you are still agitated and angry over this incident, you are likely to be guided more by emotions than anything else, in which case you might end up getting more upset and aggravated if you don't get the response you want. I think the best thing to do would be to wait a little while, until you feel you have calmed down and aren't guided by anger, and then to file a complaint. (In my own personal experience, institutions are more receptive to people who very calmly and objectively express their discontent, whereas they tend to get overly defensive and even rude if they see someone is very emotional).

 

[ladee]

Because there will be consequences... maybe you are willing to take the blow back that will happen. In our society, sometimes, the one trying to do the right thing for the right reasons is the one impaled on the sword of truth.
Not so much 'self destruction' as you will be a target for speaking out... it will get very complicated.
Possibly if you 're frame' you intentions... in other words, go about getting this man and his behaviors acknowledged by those that can,in the end, do something about him....
And we can not change the way people are. We can do out best to bring things to the attention to those that can do something about him.
I just feel that 'revenge' in the end, will not serve you to get what you want here. And your best revenge is to succeed in your work and overcome or transcend his power over you....Don't know if that makes sense... Just make sure you are not ruined in the process.
I like what @ Casey_03 said is on point. If you are going to try and get positive changes made, your emotions are in the way. If it is to hurt this person, it will only snowball into something much larger than getting this person to pay consequences from their own peers...
We hear what you are saying. What we are trying to convey is, go about this in a more positive way , being mature about it, and doing it for the common good... not just because this person has upset you.

 

[Shield Flower]

@Shield Flower I think that in order to answer that last question, we need to know h...

Well, if part of it is about the word "revenge" I use.... I do have a plan. In Taiwan, there is a military instructor for each department in the college. so my plan is simple: have a meeting with her and officially accuse that professor. In that case, I will also get help from school's consultant, and according to that consultant, this is possibly very useful since the case will be delivered to the vice president of the college. Administratively, even the chair of our department has no power to stop me. The only remain question will be that it happened 1.5 years ago, though according to the consultant, violence in school has been seriously treated these years, so timing is not a problem. And, those cold-blood classmates, if I cannot punish them, I can give up that part actually.

 

[Casey_03]

To be honest, I'm not sure I understood what happened exactly, because I think we have a bit of a language barrier. But do I understand correctly that a classmate who was frequently verbally abusive and a bit of a bully pushed you in front of a professor, and the professor did nothing? Cause then you also say the "professor who caused all this", and I don't understand how the professor caused all this? It sounds like the professor just took no action against the other student. Did the other student just push your or did he beat you while on the ground? Sorry, it's just not really clear to me. I am just thinking that if something like this happened in the States or even the UK, if a classmate pushed another student, a professor did nothing, and then the pushed student decided to file a complaint about it a year and a half later .... well it probably wouldn't be taken very seriously, and I'm afraid it would end up backfiring on the student filing the complaint. But I really have no idea how it works in Taiwan, you know that better. Though I do think they will ask why you waited so long to complain about it? (I realize that kinda sounds like victim blaming here, but it's a question to be expected in this situation, I think)

 

[Shield Flower]

To be honest, I'm not sure I understood what happened exactly, because I think we have a bit of a langu...

Quite chaotic, I know, and my English is not very good. Well... thanks so much for your patient answering. In Taiwan, violence on campus will be treated seriously, no matter how long it has pasted. In my case, once I officially accuse her for that, or I just send an email to our Ministry of Education, she's finished for sure. That doctoral student was just an auditor; he didn't have to do assignments or presentations, but he messed up my class. The professor was irresponsible for class management, and actually, that professor's teaching only focused on that doctoral students. Most of all, after I collapsed, she dared to tell the entire class that "I think there is nothing wrong in this course", pretending that nothing had happened, including the pushing and yelling which had lasted for 20 minutes.

In Taiwan, she will probably lose her teaching license for saying "I think there is nothing wrong in this course". Most of all, she knew everything a day before what happened, because I talked to her before the violent pushing. So...

why now? Well, maybe I just can't let it go. After that, there are other doctoral students doing the same things to other students, and their language is more offensive than I tolerated. The department didn't punish that professor, and now as a victim, I see more victims showing up. I feel it is my fault. If I took revenge, I wouldn't have to see more victims like me. The other reason may be that I just cared about the friend I lost too much. (→this is the part my psychologist was "not happy with", because she thought I should try harder to "save" this friend back to my life but not destroy that professor for hatred)

 

[Shield Flower]

Because there will be consequences... maybe you are willing to take the blow back that will happen. In our...

You're right, to be honest. In my brain now, there is only anger. Well, hatred may be a better word....That's a reason i ask for everyone's help here. I mean, As people of PTSD, people here can have more understanding of my feelings. Most people will just tell me "It's been too long", "Hatred is useless, let it go. You have things more important to do", "It will be embarrassing if you take revenge, even if you succeed, your position in this department will be very embarrassing" (*I have quite good relationships with most professors and the chair of my department)...... I was the one who got hurt, but these poeple who were not... When they say "let it go", I feel irritated. They don't even know what violence did to me!...

But, your reminding is important. I am losing control for can't get that friend back now...