I'm "too Hard"

[ladee]

Sending you energy to get things sorted out in your head.... you mean a lot to me girl.... Sending warming thoughts and picturing you a great safe place to do your sorting.... we are here for you.... !!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just got home from work and just had a chance to fully read this.

Oh @Ragdoll Circus! I just wanna give you a huge :hug: and hold you and tell you its going to be ok! Is that weird?

I know how it is to be labeled "unfixable". I dont know in the sense of inpatient and hospital doctor but ive been told by many that im not fixable and i will need to be hospitalized my entire life and ive never been hospitalized. It was odd how I ended up with my therapist, was forced into therapy and referred to his grouped psychritrist and ended up with him and he just ended up being super awesome but i cant cant CANT imagine starting over. I told him that i would follow him anywhere.

I know its scary, I know it sucks, I know you have this label now of "unfixable" which is complete and utter BULLSHIT; but you can start over with a new therapist. I know that will totally suck and just thinking of doing that....actually I thought I was moving once and told my therapist that i wouldnt be able to go to another one but in reality my records would be transfered, they would have tons of info, yes no details are in there so id have to re-tell them slowly of everything but it is doable and you are, you are, YOU ARE fixable.

Please update and let us know what happens! And if you ever just need to talk my PC box is always open!

BIG BIG BIG :hug:s!

 

[Sandstone]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I don't have much to offer other than my support and understanding of how hard it is.

Apart from admitting rights, what do you need your psychiatrist to do? I don't know how the system works for you. Here I nominally have a Psych. but as I'm on no meds never see him.

 

[oasis2003]

Well find what works for you and don't rely on therapists or psychiatrists. Take their tips and turn it into your own healing. The one to seven points that @Muse said earlier in the post seem really good to me. Sometimes I think we rely to much on therapists and we have to start thinking for ourselves. I am sorry you are sad and frustrated take much care of yourself . :)

 

[scout86]

I hope you hear back from your T soon!. How about letting HIM deal with it? He know the docs who are available within the list. Maybe he can pick one, explain that HE isn't ready to give up on you (and you seem pretty much worth not giving up on to me!) and maybe he can find someone who's just willing to play along, with him and with you? This sounds like it's more a question of stupid rules than you being a "problem" Challenges are what bring out the best in people after all!

I don't know why the various systems insist on making this more complicated than it has to be! :(

 

[anthony]

What deems you to be too hard?

 

[Sideways]

"Too hard" seems to be a combination of my diagnosis (apparently complex ptsd and DID sends a bad smell at psychiatrists - Brisbane doesn't have a good reputation when it comes to the professional community accepting DID as a legit illness, only 1 hospital offers a Dissociation treatment program), my lack of progress over the last 7 years (which could be argued as one long trip backwards instead of forwards) and what I'm like when I'm at rock bottom (too many almost completed suicides and the very ugly version of self-loathing I adopt at my low points). Doctors don't seem to want that file on their books...

I've come a long way with the CBT & DBT, daily structure, meaningful activities etc. But my "morbid self-concept" is still rock solid. Mostly that's an issue for the doctors who I've seen in the past rather than the ones who get proposed my referral for the first time though.

 

[Sideways]

Plus there's the plain old "Thanks, but no thanks" that a scary number of docs have now given me...little demotivating.

3 hours till my doc is due to front with what's going to happen next though, so I'm doing my best impression of 'totally zen' and folding paper cranes for serenity!

 

[anthony]

Brisbane doesn't have a good reputation when it comes to the professional community accepting DID as a legit illness

That isn't just Brisbane, its most of the psychiatric community. DID is as controversial, for different reasons, as PTSD is. There is zero evidence to support it, which is why they changed it from multiple personality disorder to dissociative identity disorder, hoping the name change might bring it a little more credence... which it didn't. Treating multiple identities is a very limited field, globally, not just Brisbane.

my lack of progress over the last 7 years

Ok... so why the backward progress with 5 years of therapy? What are you doing to help you? Not what your therapist is doing with you, but what are you doing outside of therapy to help you?

I've come a long way with the CBT & DBT, daily structure, meaningful activities etc.

And this contradicts the above statement of lack of progress, going backwards.

Are you getting better or worse?

 

[Sideways]

Okay, stuff I do: I'm studying landscape design (don't think I can go back to law), and I've got each day set up with a routine (exercise & morning stuff, I go out each day before lunch with fixed visits to rels, therapy, garden projects, and the arvo is a combo of distraction activities & therapy homework). I've gotten to the point where I'm mostly self-directing therapy rather than letting the T drive the process. And I'm working pretty hard at rebuilding my relationship with my sister, which has its ups and downs.

At the same time, I've developed agoraphobia which is pretty debilitating, and despite my best efforts, I'm still averaging about 20% of the year as an inpatient (when safety becomes an issue). My biggest gripe though is that the more I intellectually understand about trauma and the damage it's done to my brain, the more fixed my self-concept becomes. My self-harm, when it happens, is now really bad, and the suicide brain is as healthy as ever (if not more so). I'm actually getting more stubborn about my beliefs about myself and the kind of person I am, and how helpful my abuser was, instead of less so.

There's good stuff...then there's not so good stuff. I guess that's how it goes for everyone, but it does seem to be making it hard to get a good doctor to stay on board.

 

[anthony]

I intellectually understand about trauma and the damage it's done to my brain

What damage? There is no evidence that I am aware of brain damage from trauma. There have been much hypothethis from study results, yet every study gave fluctuating results, which proved nothing. And then there are other studies which showed plasticity at its best 12 months later after successful therapy where what they thought was damage, was completely undone and looked healthy again.

So... what damage?

 

[Sideways]

Brain, yeah, ok, it's damage to my mind rather than my brain.

I've got all the typical symptoms you get from chronic CSA. But my abuser (without wanting to minimise anyone else's experience- this is just my version of ptsd) gave me regular, structures lessons where he taught me (deep breath, Ragdoll) that I'm a "Whore of God" and that my purpose in life is to make myself sexually available to men. In fact my lady bits don't belong to me - they belong to whoever I'm sexually active with till that man is done, then ownership passes to whoever I'm going to have sex with next, even if I haven't met them yet.

I know how completely irrational that is. But I believe it like I believe the sun rises in the east. My T keeps telling me to "let the beliefs go", but it's just not happening. They're just getting more fixed every time they get challenged.