Wtf Triggers Me

[Fadeaway]

The thing is Sonic, you are not and have not let your brain heal from addiction. You are prolonging your suffering. This is hard to admit, but on more than one occasion I have doubted whether your symptoms are from PTSD or just drug addiction. Obviously I can't determine wether it is from PTSD or drugs, but for goodness sakes! I shouldn't have to doubt someones claims because they are taking illicit drugs that can produce PTSD like symptoms. I don't that that is fair to you or anyone else.

Seriously, what is the longest stretch you have gone without taking anything at all?

You say you want to be a pastor, but people need pastors they can go to for sound rational advice and wisdom. (No matter how much this may sound like an attack to you it's not, it's a plea for you to take better care of yourself.) You are not rational Sonic and your thinking is not sound. Seeing @EveHarrington post as bing critical is not sound thinking. Thinking about going to colarado for weed, is not sound thinking.

A true Christian woman is not going to be interested in a man who takes any substances that are not prescribed by a Dr.

Yes, a lot of people self medicate for PTSD but they are not prfessing to have a calling from God and preach to people in one breath, while breaking promises not to take a drug ordered off the internet with the next. How could a non Christain like myself who may or may not be interested in what you have to say about God, ever trust that what you are saying is real or just drug addled ramblings.

I know you are hurting, and I know that what I am saying is not going to ease the pain any, but please know thta it is coming from a genuine place in my heart out of love and caring. Trying to say things that would make you feel better about what you are doing, wouldn't be very caring of me I don't think.

 

[sonicwhite]

I giveup. I'm done with this. I'm not going to smole weed. My older brother who had kinda the same psychosis says its a bad idea and he would smoke high grade. Kicking the can down the road. My life is going to be like this. I'm very stressed right now. I wept last night. I really cant handle this anymore. I don't know what to do.

 

[shimmerz]

Sonic, anything mind altering will take you into your trauma. Ecstacy (street) is absolutely NOT the same as the MDMA that they are using in psychotherapy. Ecstacy can have anything cut into it. You can't have that kind of randomness at this point in your life. By doing the drugs that you are you are learning how to 'float away'. You need to learn how to ground hon. None of the drugs you are speaking about help with grounding....

My love to you my friend.

 

[Justmehere]

Sonic :hug:s You are really hurting. That is really clear. You are really overwhelmed right now. Are you working with good doctor and therapist right now who know you have been struggling with suicidal thoughts? There are some great treatment centers out there that will treat addiction and PTSD at the same time, and would likely help you find much needed relief, without all the drawbacks of your current course of action. Some of what you are dealing with is PTSD and some of it is probably continuing withdrawls. There are ways to support someone going through withdrawls so they don't get so down and hopeless through this process.

You need to do more than just give up weed. It's a great and important step, and one that I am proud of you for striving to do.

 

[shimmerz]

My life is going to be like this.

Nope, it isn't. You are just looking for answers in the wrong places (imho). What you want are grounding techniques. That will improve your situation greatly. Have you looked up posts here on learning how to ground?

 

[sonicwhite]

No, I really don't lurk. But I'm pretty sure they would help. I have to want it. to get better. I don't want to live like this anymore. maybe I'm all wrong about everything. maybe I'm very delusional. Man, what a screwed up person I am. at least I try never to cause someone else to sin.

 

[Justmehere]

YOU as a person are not screwed up Sonic. You went through awful trauma and you made some unhealthy choices to cope with the pain. Just about everyone here can relate to that, one way or another... What's the next good step you can take to invest in your healing? I think you do want it - man, you were willing to travel all the way to Colorado for a slim chance of it. That's a really big sign of how much you want to feel better. There is hope for you.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't think it is delusional to want out of feeling like you are.... and I doubt you are wrong about everything. It is just really hard work, and no pill is going to get you through the grounding part of this process.

The thing is, I can see that you are here more often, looking for the input of others. That is part of grounding. I am so proud of where you are.... and you are manning up by saying that you are looking for relief from drugs. Just some of us here have had relationships with drugs and know that is the wrong path. Don't give up. I know the feeling of wanting out at all costs. I am so sorry you feel this way right now. Keep coming here.... keep expressing yourself.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm personally screwing up my life. I thought drugs would make the pain go away but it isn't physical pain, it's mental trauma and anguish. What if God isn't real what if we die and that's it. I would rather cease to exist to know that God is alive. I just keeping making the wrong choices. I'm not getting better. The dreams are worse. I think it's going to get to the point I prepare for the end of the world because the dreams are so vivid that it's like I'm seeing the end. I don't know anymore. God prove to me you chose me to be a vessel. All I'm doing is putting your Son back on the cross and insulting him. Even tho I'm not a Hebrew Jew. I am a Gentile. But I'm a wretch. I can't even lift my head up because either I'm delusional and God is not real and I have made this all up or He is real and He knows the hour He will take me. Sucks to be infected with sin. I was born into this world. I had no choice. Sin was in the womb. Sorry God if your real that I'm the biggest failure that you chose.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sonic, I know my last post was very harsh, but NO! It is not always going to be like this if you choose to stay away from the things that make it worse. I feel very frustrted for you because of what I have seen in life. I never struggled with drug addiction myself, but I was surrounded by it my whole life. My traumas are a result of other people's drug use.

I have seen the worst of the worst of drug addiction. It's curse and a blessing for me because I saw things that made me afraid to ever use drugs myself, but those things I saw resulted in PTSD. Because of the things I have seen, I am scared for you Sonic.

Yes, you made the choice to use drugs, we all do stupid shit. At the end of the day though, everything you are going through, is not who you really are, it is just the drugs covering up your true self!

I wouldn't waste my time replying to you if I didn't see something in you that was good. The good is there, but it is being neglected when it needs to be fed so it can flourish instead of being poisoned.

Like I said, I am harsh because I care, and want to see you doing better. I know that if stay away from anything that is under the supervision of a Dr. you will start to feel better, but it won't be overnight. I am pleading with you to take better care you yourself.

@Justmehere is absolutely right about grounding.