Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[lostforgottensoul]

@Sweetpea76 that sounds like a very healthy relationship! Im so proud of you for understanding things so much, so many people dont...or most take off as the sufferer is "too much" so i think thats super awesome!

 

[EveHarrington]

@lostforgottensoul

You hit the nail on the head.

IMHO using typical isolation periods as a prediction of future events is inherently flawed. You will have supporters using this data as a reason to hold on to a relationship that is over. I once had a guy hold on for 8 months in hopes that I would come back, but I knew immediately at the time of breakup that it was completely over as his behavior triggered something massive in me. (Yes, real trigger, not a stresser.) He knew it was PTSD fueled and thought I'd come to my senses and be back. My senses were right on the money.

Using this data as a prediction of when a sufferer will return completely undermines the ability of the sufferer to make their own decisions. "Oh, he/she broke up with me but it was just the PTSD talking. They will be back." Am I unable to make decisions for myself when triggered or in an episode?

It's not healthy to chalk up isolation simply to PTSD because of the underlying assumption that it's the disorder controlling us, we aren't really like this, the real person would never behave this way, etc. To me it seems like major splitting. My disorder does not define me but at the same time it is and will always be a part of me. It all needs to be accepted as a package deal. (Reflecting on the number of posts where the real part of the sufferer is questioned; along with what to accept/reject-----it's all real, maybe just not what you want to see?) And yes, I am capable of making decisions as to what I need due to my symptoms.


This isn't a criticism of this thread in the least. I think this thread is a great topic of discussion. I just worry about possible inferences that could be made if an average isolation time does come to light.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is how "research" is done correctly; as well as taking everyone's input but, my feeling is that the bulk of the votes will be the bottom 3, as all three can be interupted the same. I left my ex for 2 yrs, he talked me into try it again, i did for a few weeks to learn his abusive behaviors hadnt changed, i left again and this time for good. So that is over 6 months, it is cannot determine, and it could be "other".

So long as people understand that every single individual sufferer, supporter, situtation, set of circumstances etc are all different. And i am not a betting person but i would put money that if i found the right trigger at the right intensity, that could break a person's "cycle", so even that isnt 100% predictable. As long as people understand this and dont try to predict when someone will return but concentrate on understanding and making positive moves that would make it a more positive place for the sufferer to return to, then thats all good in my opinion.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm finding this more and more disturbing the more I think about it. I'm not sure shut out is the right phrase for what I do. That seems to carry connotations of blame running both ways. I've spent several hours today thinking about my actions and whether they are blameworthy. It might be true that the ideal is for me to reach a stage where I can manage my condition well enough that no symptoms are visible. I'm a long way from that, but does that mean I deserve blame for being symptomatic and needing downtime?

Equally, does my husband deserve either to suffer from isolation, or to held responsible for overwhelming me? If he encourages me to participate in something, when we both know the outcome will be one or more days downtime, is either of us at fault? Or would he be more at fault if he didn't suggest we went out and did things we both enjoy? Is the fe a difference between protective and recuperative isolation? Is there a difference between planned or anticipated isolation and the sort that comes on me suddenly?

So far as answering the question about duration goes, I can't. I live in a state of permanent isolation/ withdrawal/ dissociation, and it intensifies and reduces, but hasn't been gone for a couple of years at least.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So far as answering the question about duration goes, I can't. I live in a state of permanent isolation/ withdrawal/ dissociation, and it intensifies and reduces, but hasn't been gone for a couple of years at least.

Im certianly not trying to put words where there isnt but wouldnt "Unable to generalize most common length of shut outs" sum up "i cant"? Im just wondering how you see that. If they differ in your view thats cool too, was just wondering.

I also cannot as there are so many varables. Also not wanting to fill in words but i know "shut out" was choosen for a reason. Yes disturbing but when the "how long does isolation last" threads come around, the term varies.

 

[scout86]

I've been thinking about this a lot since the last major investigative effort on this subject. I wonder if, sometimes, there isn't a total disconnect on "what's going on" between the parties.

I'm not real aware of doing something that I think of as "isolating". But, there are times when it's really hard to make myself do things like return phone calls because all the "demands" that people seem to make just seem like too much. There are times when I'll walk out on an argument, but that's because I can tell that I'm getting to the point where the choices are "hurt someone" or "walk away". I stay "away" until I'm pretty sure I can deal with the situation better.

Some of the stuff that I've read from "supporters", especially the ones that wander in during a perceived crisis in their relationship and then wander right back out, seem like pretty extreme expectations to me. Like "I'm upset because my sufferer won't respond to my repeated texts." (Well, maybe if you'd back off a little and quit pushing they'd get to where they could. If my ex had been inclined to follow me outside and continue the argument, I might be in jail!) Do people REALLY expect their SO's to be in daily or constant contact? I mean, if you're living together that's one thing. If you're not, do people REALLY expect to be texting all day long? Do they really expect you to spill your guts about what's bothering you when you're not quite sure yourself? And it's some kind of insult if you don't?

OK, stopping the rant before I really get going. Maybe we need more decision about what are reasonable and unreasonable expectations.

One other thought. Some of these relationships that end, I wonder if a percentage of them legitimately needed to end and then it gets blamed on PTSD when it was, in fact, a bad relationship, PTSD or not. Not necessarily that the people were bad, but that it was a bad combination. And maybe the combination occurred in the first place because of mental health issues, but I wonder if some of these relationships just need to end anyway but people blame it on PTSD because that's less painful than accepting that somethings just aren't meant to work out the way we think we want them too.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, that is the option I selected, but I see it as not answering.

 

[Tinyflame]

I didn't vote yet but I would say 'shutting down' causes shut outs. But, as Eve & others said in a sense,

"Oh, he/she broke up with me but it was just the PTSD talking. They will be back."

the only times I haven't left for good, thinking about it, was talking about it, & being reassured (or explained to) I wasn't causing the damage I feared.

 

[Ronin]

Depends what I'm isolating about / after.

I don't tend to isolate over petty bullshit (relationship arguments, the like) before I have them sorted, or on some kind of balance sorting will be possible /from/, but if it's something more than relationship / relationship tangled with anything else, I tend to take to three days off I noticed, and about a week if I'm also physically injured, and month to three if I'm grieving or something went that type of Damned f*cking Wrong.

Not sure I'm verbalizing right on this, but at least sure I'm timing right on it, about my life at least. Which is itself an improvement, to tell time.

 

[watundah]

Hmmm...I will say I get fed up with people and write them off entirely. Or slowly withdraw contact and then write them off if they dont pick up the slack...occasionally I have what I call my "I hate people" moods, I can write off everyone but my spouse for a couple of weeks.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have what I call my "I hate people" moods

I thought only i had those moods ;)

 

[Justmehere]

Great discussion! The responses are interesting and are helping flesh out a lot of the details of this complicated issue.

To answer a few questions:

For the purposes of this poll, and nothing else, I am defining a "shut out" as an outward behavior of cutting off contact, communication, or engagement by someone who is a PTSD sufferer.

The outward behavior can reflect symptoms or not reflect symptoms. It is a behavior that could be due to a whole variety of circumstances. It can be a healthy shut out or a maladaptive coping skill...

It simply has to be a loss of contact or connection or communication by the sufferer who then later returns to the relationship and communication.

I know the poll is very broad.

Something like a panic attack seems a lot easier for people to understand. This is a harder behavior to understand or even summarize, and often much more complicated than something like a panic attack?

It's something I'm trying to understand better myself, especially for supporters.

I do think people talk past each other at times about this... I am really glad for all the very thoughtful replies.