My dad accidentally had sex with me thinking I was mum

DrAbbey122552 said:

There are circumstances when it IS NOT the adults or parents fault.

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There really aren't. You come across as, at best, someone who colludes with sexually harmful behaviour, and at worst, someone who is sexually harmful. Bizarre for your first post on a PTSD forum.

RACHELMCK2004 said:

One night when I was about 12 or so I got in bed with my parents because I had a nightmare.

I used to get them regularly as a kid anyway my dad came home drunk from the pub I was behind mum I was quite overweight when I was younger so I was roughly the same size as my mum at that age.

All of a sudden my dad gets behind me he puts his arm over thinking he's giving me a cuddle but shortly after he starts running up and down my thigh telling me he really need this. I lay there in confusion wondering What the f*ck he was doing then he leans right over me and pulls me towards him. He's right behind me at this point. He puts his hand down the front of my knickers and starts fingering me I freeze he probably thinks I'm mum so I just let it happen thinking it will be over soon. He then tries to put his penis inside my arse but one he's so drunk he's just basically grinding against my arse while fingeringing me after a few minutes he finishes and goes to sleep. I've never mentioned this to neither parent.

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So scary. I had a similar experience. I was sleeping in my bed but then my dad comes in so drunk. He gets in bed takes off his clothes and pull MY pants down then puts his penis in my arse. He starts to nibble me and he gave a hickey plus he started to suck my ripples. Never told anyone.

@Sideways​

@Captainmike1337​

@RACHELMCK2004​

Rachel is new here, I've never interacted with Captainmike AFAIR. I've known and appreciated Sideways for a long time here for great wisdom and helpfulness, which I am grateful for.

At the same time, I want to do my bit for our community here, and especially the OP, based on what I can bring from my own experience of surviving child sexual abuse.

Based on my experience Rachel has demonstrated heroic courage by talking about her experience here. I believe both Captainmike and Sideways have written in with the best intentions.

I'm a man and I have largely recovered from many traumas. I was never raped, but my mother sexually assaulted me when I was about 14, about 35 years ago. She pushed me to the floor of the kitchen with her bodyweight, laughing maniacally, grinding into my privates with hers, stuck her tongue into my my mouth, despite my repeatedly saying "no." There was no mistake or ambiguity here. She was not drunk or high. It was criminal assault. It's the only time it ever happened and there were many, many other traumas that were probably far more damaging.

Additionally, my father sexualized me when I was about six, nakedly bringing me naked into the bed with his naked girlfriend, trying to get me to explore her body including her privates, which I was completely uninterested in. He then sent me to my room and they proceeded to have sex. Also criminal in my jurisdiction. He happened to be a psychotherapist, and she happened to be his former client. He was a survivor of Nazi genocide in Europe and had witnessed his mother being gang raped at gunpoint, when he was about six. No justification, but it helped me to understand what he was unconsciously processing, and why becoming a psychotherapist became his preferred method of treatment for himself.

My father is long dead, in spite of everything I adored him and I miss him. I don't believe I should disown my aged mother for what she did, or dismiss her as an inherently bad person. I don't believe it would be supportive for someone to encourage me to hate her, as AI recently did.

She gave me many things, including choosing not to abort me when it would have been completely understandable for her to have done so, under her circumstances at the time. She has given me a lot of love and affection. She made immense sacrifices for me. I have grown to understand her problems more, forgive her, appreciate her and love her - despite my anger and my pain. She herself was a multiple rape victim, including being raped by her colleague, a psychiatrist at the hospital where she worked, while I was in the next room aged about six and knew nothing about it until she told me about 17 years later. No, this is not Stockholm Syndrome. This is life.

Today, my life is rather content.

It may be alleged that it is self-indulgent of me, to share this with you Rachel, but I would maintain that the point about what I have written here is all about you, not in fact me.

If you're anything like me, you love your parents, in spite of everything that they have made you angry and sad about. To my mind, this community is about finding commonality and pooling coping strategies.

You don't have to forgive or understand your father, but you do have that option, just as you have the option to walk away from him.

You are very welcome here. Thanks for your testimony, which is a great start.

Good job, well done.

DrAbbey122552 said:

I feel that the biggest giveaway to his innocence is the fact he never abused her before or after that occurence.

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I rarely post anything on here, but this statement bothers me SO much. Why is this relevant to Rachels post? Why?

If the person who did what they did to me had never done it before and never did it to anyone else after, does that make the damage it caused any less for me?

The fact is that whether his actions were intentional or not makes no difference in what it did to her. The only place the word innocence belongs in this story is in the fact that his actions affected hers. Not his. HERS. And as Sideways stated, this is a support group for people who need to feel safe in discussing what trauma did to them. Not what it may or may not have done to the person who caused the trauma. Not someone else, THEM.
And quite frankly I'm shocked that there's anyone in this community such as yourself who doesn't seem to understand the reality of that. Someone came on here and bravely seated themselves at a table of peers and posted about something terrifying and traumatizing that happened to them as a child. As a CHILD. And you've essentially spun the entire table around and put the focus of "innocence" on the father. She came here to feel supported over what happened to her. HER. Not her father. That should be where the focus of empathy goes. To the person who came here for support. She didn't come here for her father. She came here BECAUSE of her father.

I am not a person who is quick to anger but I am absolutely appalled at "DrAbbey's response. I hope that I've not crossed boundaries with this post. And I hope that Rachel has come back and can see that there IS support here. For HER.

I can't recall the last time I felt so moved to post a response on here but the utter lack of empathy from DrAbbey just shocks me.

been watching too long to hold this back.
I am a male, yep. I got one of those things hanging out of me. I know where it is, all the time, and am keenly aware of what it has encountered along the way, real time, drunk stoned sober half asleep. I think unaware of what it is up to and yet still able of becoming prepared for use is an empty set, the two states may be possible at the same time but it has never happened in my time with one.
As an EMT I assessed levels of consciousness on a scale we called the AVPU level. A as in alert, V as in responsive to verbal stimulus, P as in responsive to pain like a pinch or a sternal rub (look it up) and U as in unresponsive.
I think personally I might be sliding out of being responsive to verbal and into responsive to pain only before I became unaware of what my penis was up to.
Dad was verbal, talking, aware of his needs you say. He knew what he was up to IMHO.

Wow.... I mean, given the context, those aren't unfair questions to ask, and it seemed clear he wasn't trying to blame others, only ascertain the intention of the father. I didn't think a lot of it until the wall of a response from you, which basically shamed the person who asked the questions, and created a pile-on in itself.

Also, I would venture a guess most of the people that make dogmatic statements involving "always," like you are, are closed-minded and not interested in discussion, only pushing an agenda. This forum should not have a f*cking agenda. You are effectively shutting down someone else's viewpoint, while saying we must be respectful. And you are INSISTING on placing blame, rather than just letting the situation be what it is/was.

Frankly, it's triggering to read your dogmatic comments, Sideways. I was NOT triggered by someone asking reasonable questions and repeating it wasn't the fault of the girl.

Nothing is EVER and "always." If that's how you approach life, you have something wrong with you. Dogmatism helps no one. If everything were black and white, we wouldn't need court systems, we wouldn't need discussion. It is impossible to have a conversation with anyone that says, "No, you're wrong, because it's simply ALWAYS this way, and that's because I say it is." If that's the attitude you're going to bring. Seems to me like you're a narcissist and shouldn't be hanging out here (and certainly not moderating - who gave you the right to manage over the fora, what are your qualifications?).

enlguy said:

Also, I would venture a guess most of the people that make dogmatic statements involving "always," like you are, are closed-minded and not interested in discussion, only pushing an agenda.

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The agenda is not standing up for abusers. It’s clear to me you haven’t been raped either on purpose or “accident” as was put forth by the person that sideways was responding to. I mean I clearly do not have male parts but I’ve always been aware of what my female ones are doing and while accidents happen generally the way you know someone accidentally did something is that they apologize.

There shouldn’t be discussion in the matter of sexual abuse of a CHILD. If you’d like to debate that topic you should hang out with the other pedophiles. They too would like to debate the merits of sex with children.

I'm shocked by some of the comments on this thread as many others are. I'm so sorry Rachel that this is all going on around you when you just shared for understanding and compassion...

I'm so sorry this happened to you... I'm not in your dad's head so I can't say what he was thinking though I have a VERY strong opinion of what I think his intentions likely were... and whether he knew or not... I'm happy to share if you want me to but that may not be important to you... so I won't unless you ask me to

what I do know is that regardless of intentions, you were deeply hurt... he didn't keep you safe from himself, and even if he genuinely was so drunk he believed you to be your mum, I find that a very unhealthy (atv best!) way to have sex with someone. Where was the consent? Whern was he checking in with whoever he thought he was trying to have sex with, to get the go ahead? Because I don't think you gave that to him.... Feels like he just took what he wanted in the moment regardless. I need this... and so I'll take it.

We can tell ourselves all sorts of things to try to justify and understand trauma to this level... but it may be worth checking in with yourself about whether you have a gut feeling around the narrative that this was an accident because he was drunk... if you step away from anyone else's opinions... in the quiet, what does your guy tell you?

Although this is likely the lastt thing you want to do ... if you were to broach the subject with him, how do you think he'd react? Do you expect remorse and upset and guilt and 1000 apologies with a promise to go to therapy etc? Or do you expect denial and to be told this is a crazy claim? Orv perhaps recognion for what's happened but him pleading with you to help him because things are so hard for HIM? Because I think reactions can tell alot too about a person's intentions...

What do you feel you need going forward? Maybe you don't know and that's ok too

FYI, this is over a year old.