I’m going to jump right in, and point out some of the major problems with your post CaptainMike. There’s a number of problems, but I’ve addressed the ones that are most offensive or problematic for this particular forum:
People need to learn to ask more questions rather then jumping to blaming or hating on something
2 of the 3 responses before yours asked questions, so this is a non-existent issue that you’re criticising. That suggests there’s something there you could work through there for your own benefit - CBT is awesome for that type of stuff.
This is a peer-support forum for people suffering ptsd. It’s not a “hand out solutions” forum, it’s not a “solve legal problems” forum, and it’s not “let me give you an
unbiased assessment of your situation” forum.
Folks on this are
inherently biased. They see everything through the lens of having suffered a Criterion A trauma and having lived experience of ptsd as a result. Support is offered through that very specific lens. So responses like the ones above yours are not only commonplace here, they are shared from a the very specific place of
peer support.
Unlike other (unbiased) sources of support, peer support has its strengths (and weaknesses) because it comes through that lens. Getting angry on behalf of a fellow-ptsd’er is something that
peers are often in a unique position to do, and it can be very empowering for fellow sufferers and survivors when offered in that context.
You can read more about the nature of this forum and what to expect in the
Community Constitution.
Everything else in the original post rotates around this fact. It’s a child on the receiving end. That means the responsibility is
always on the adult to not be sexual with the child.
Doesn’t matter if dad is drunk or high. Doesn’t matter if it’s dark and his own bed. It actually doesn’t even matter if the child is begging dad for it. It’s still his obligation to not be sexual with his child. Period.
Was he generally a good dad to you and this was an honest mistake?
The OP’s age makes this question completely irrelevant. There was a child in the house. His child, no less. His obligation is to make sure that child is not subjected to sexual intercourse.
Children who have been sexually abused by a parent very commonly defend their parent with their entire being, long into adulthood, on the basis that “they were such a good parent except for…”. Unfortunately, that “except for” doesn’t protect that child from the devastating, lifelong impacts that even a single instance of sexual assault can have.
The extent of devastation on children from sexual assault necessarily means that adults must never ever be sexual with a child.
Maybe that means he can’t get drunk till his child leaves home.
Maybe that means he needs to turn the lights on every single time he has sex with his wife.
It doesn’t actually matter what lengths he needs to go to, or how well intended he might be, to keep that child safe. His obligation to his child is straight forward - he must not, in any circumstances, have sex with his child.
Did you attempt to let your dad know it was you?
This is a myth.
The
most common response to sexual assault is the Freeze response. Even when it isn’t a child. It’s even more common in minors to freeze, because that is about the only primitive defence mechanism their amygdala can access during a sexual assault.
When a person freezes during a sexual assault, there is not only no physical resistance to the assault, the person is very often completely silent and compliant with their attacker.
Another common response to sexual assault particularly seen in children is the fawn response. In this state, a child will do what is required to keep their assailant satisfied, sometimes going to great lengths to make it a good experience for their abuser.
These are primitive responses hardwired into the human brain. Frontal lobe activity (required for things like “Hey dad, it’s actually not mum you’re touching”) isn’t accessible during sexual assault for the overwhelming majority of children (whose frontal lobe is actually still developing). So, for most children being sexually assaulted by their father, this wouldn’t be possible. This response can kick from something as simple as sexualised touching.
That said, in hindsight, children will often still blame themselves for the encounter. Like the freeze and fawn responses, self-blame is a defence mechanism which allows the child to preserve the relationship with the person, which can help keep them safe both during and after the attack.
then come on here and whine about it for money?
It’s an anonymous forum, by an anonymous guest (like you). This suggestion is very close to trolling.
Did your dad "intentionally" ?
This is irrelevant.
“I accidentally…” is not a defence to sexual assault. Not with an adult, and definitely not with a child.
People always tend to think there's always a "bad guy"
When it’s sexually assault of a 12 year old child by an adult? It’s one of the few circumstances in life where there is a
very clear line. A child is
never at fault in that situation. It is
always the adult’s responsibility to not be sexual with their 12 year old child.
Mod Note:
I know a lot of folks are going to be triggered and/or enraged by the guest post above!
I’ve taken the time to explain both the nature of the Community here, and the more offensive issues that are apparent. These opinions unfortunately still exist in the community - in some places they are still common.
Hopefully addressing them without anger is helpful to both the person who posted, as well as anyone reading along.
That said, this thread will be monitored by staff to ensure that there is no pile-on. That’s
not how we roll here - we will lock the thread if it goes in that direction.
If you feel triggered, offended or distressed, you are very welcome to work through those issues in
your trauma diary. That’s one of the reasons we have them.
