Luna_Moth
Silver Member
I’ve been triggered these past few weeks and have been having somatic responses in my body.
Ever since I was a teenager, I would lie in my bed and just doomscroll all day. This would be in response to my somatic responses because I did not know what was happening or why I felt the way I did. I would deny myself any relaxation or joy, and I’m not sure if I felt like it was because I deserved divine punishment or if it just happened to be maladaptive. I’ve had complex-PTSD since I was 5, which was thrown under the rug by my narcissistic parents, and I wasn’t given any tools to handle any of the trauma I dealt with besides somatic therapy as a preschooler/toddler. I stopped going for some reason and my parents never put me back in it.
I did have “self-care” techniques I used as a small child, but that all included maladaptive daydreaming, dissociation, and using play as a distraction from fear and stress.
The religious trauma I had as a kid fueled the fear and stress even more, and I would obsessively monitor my thoughts because I believed that if I was bad or thought dirty things that God would punish me. My mother also parentified me by sharing her fears of Satanists and how they kidnap children and use them for sacrifices. She would describe how they would be sacrificed them to demons and this would enable the practitioners to have supernatural powers by becoming possessed, and how demons would drag people to hell if they wouldn’t accept Christ. I had to be around 5 years old and this was after I already showed signs of PTSD and developmental trauma. She told me this knowing full well that I already had severe nightmares about being chased, kidnapped, and abused. Not only was I afraid for my life, but my soul was tainted and I needed saving. In my mind, I was inherently bad and deserved to be punished and traumatized.
I remember drawing naked women and my mother would shame and scold me for it. There were also dreams that I’ve had of my parents molesting me and I demonized myself for my brain even producing that because I thought was being a filthy, dirty, and sinful little girl. I would repeatedly ask God for forgiveness for being sinful and fleshly. My mom would mentally and psychologically abuse me, while my father would get physically abusive. I’ve dissociated throughout my whole childhood.
This childhood fear would seep into my teen hood, and I had the same childlike fears of demons and Satanists who would be out to hurt me. I was also afraid of being sexually touched and got triggered by porn, and that’s what caused me to stay in bed and doomscroll because I couldn’t handle it and it was the best way I knew how to function.
Now that I’m older I know what the truth is and I now know my mom is full of shit, even though there’s still a reptilian part of my brain that still screams danger despite logically knowing that that stuff about Satanists and Satanism wasn’t true.
Fast forward to my mid-20s and my parents told me I was brainwashed and had false memories implanted in my head by a therapist. I never mentioned any memories to them.
At the age of 28, I got triggered by a man after opening up sexually to him. Being sexually inhibited all my life has led me to believe that I may have been a victim of CSA due to having PTSD since I was 3 or 4, and that fear also seeped into everything else and made everything ten times worse. I was also triggered into having a somatic flashback by a statement that an online predator said to me. He stated that the fact I was a toddler made him leak precum. That made me spiral out of control and caused really tense sensations in my vagina where I felt like I was being raped.
Before that, my parents called me two weeks after I told my dad about my trauma and my mom was in the background. It was almost like she was there to coach him to not say the wrong thing. That triggered me so bad that it caused me to regress even more into a terrified little girl who needed her stuffie and a toddler TV show in order to calm me down.
Now I’m having somatic responses again, and it feels like it’s getting worse. This was due to being told by my grandmother that she doesn’t believe me and after I had my parents tell me I need to apologize to them for cutting them off. She didn’t even give me the chance to explain my symptoms of the disorder and instead cut me off and stated that “she’ll pray for me”. f*ck THAT BITCH. Now I’m denying myself self-care and I don’t know if it’s due to self-hatred or if it’s maladaptive or both. I’m supposed to be practicing mindfulness techniques as part of my homework by my therapist, and I can’t even do that right.
Now I’m resorting to the same behaviors I had as a teen and I hate it so f*cking much. I want to heal and get better and I’m tired of my family getting in the way of that.
I have never been a balanced person in my entire life and I’m only now realizing that. I shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of my abusers and I shouldn’t have to deal with such severe developmental delays from trauma. It has completely complicated my life and I don’t know how I’m going to heal from all this.
Ever since I was a teenager, I would lie in my bed and just doomscroll all day. This would be in response to my somatic responses because I did not know what was happening or why I felt the way I did. I would deny myself any relaxation or joy, and I’m not sure if I felt like it was because I deserved divine punishment or if it just happened to be maladaptive. I’ve had complex-PTSD since I was 5, which was thrown under the rug by my narcissistic parents, and I wasn’t given any tools to handle any of the trauma I dealt with besides somatic therapy as a preschooler/toddler. I stopped going for some reason and my parents never put me back in it.
I did have “self-care” techniques I used as a small child, but that all included maladaptive daydreaming, dissociation, and using play as a distraction from fear and stress.
The religious trauma I had as a kid fueled the fear and stress even more, and I would obsessively monitor my thoughts because I believed that if I was bad or thought dirty things that God would punish me. My mother also parentified me by sharing her fears of Satanists and how they kidnap children and use them for sacrifices. She would describe how they would be sacrificed them to demons and this would enable the practitioners to have supernatural powers by becoming possessed, and how demons would drag people to hell if they wouldn’t accept Christ. I had to be around 5 years old and this was after I already showed signs of PTSD and developmental trauma. She told me this knowing full well that I already had severe nightmares about being chased, kidnapped, and abused. Not only was I afraid for my life, but my soul was tainted and I needed saving. In my mind, I was inherently bad and deserved to be punished and traumatized.
I remember drawing naked women and my mother would shame and scold me for it. There were also dreams that I’ve had of my parents molesting me and I demonized myself for my brain even producing that because I thought was being a filthy, dirty, and sinful little girl. I would repeatedly ask God for forgiveness for being sinful and fleshly. My mom would mentally and psychologically abuse me, while my father would get physically abusive. I’ve dissociated throughout my whole childhood.
This childhood fear would seep into my teen hood, and I had the same childlike fears of demons and Satanists who would be out to hurt me. I was also afraid of being sexually touched and got triggered by porn, and that’s what caused me to stay in bed and doomscroll because I couldn’t handle it and it was the best way I knew how to function.
Now that I’m older I know what the truth is and I now know my mom is full of shit, even though there’s still a reptilian part of my brain that still screams danger despite logically knowing that that stuff about Satanists and Satanism wasn’t true.
Fast forward to my mid-20s and my parents told me I was brainwashed and had false memories implanted in my head by a therapist. I never mentioned any memories to them.
At the age of 28, I got triggered by a man after opening up sexually to him. Being sexually inhibited all my life has led me to believe that I may have been a victim of CSA due to having PTSD since I was 3 or 4, and that fear also seeped into everything else and made everything ten times worse. I was also triggered into having a somatic flashback by a statement that an online predator said to me. He stated that the fact I was a toddler made him leak precum. That made me spiral out of control and caused really tense sensations in my vagina where I felt like I was being raped.
Before that, my parents called me two weeks after I told my dad about my trauma and my mom was in the background. It was almost like she was there to coach him to not say the wrong thing. That triggered me so bad that it caused me to regress even more into a terrified little girl who needed her stuffie and a toddler TV show in order to calm me down.
Now I’m having somatic responses again, and it feels like it’s getting worse. This was due to being told by my grandmother that she doesn’t believe me and after I had my parents tell me I need to apologize to them for cutting them off. She didn’t even give me the chance to explain my symptoms of the disorder and instead cut me off and stated that “she’ll pray for me”. f*ck THAT BITCH. Now I’m denying myself self-care and I don’t know if it’s due to self-hatred or if it’s maladaptive or both. I’m supposed to be practicing mindfulness techniques as part of my homework by my therapist, and I can’t even do that right.
Now I’m resorting to the same behaviors I had as a teen and I hate it so f*cking much. I want to heal and get better and I’m tired of my family getting in the way of that.
I have never been a balanced person in my entire life and I’m only now realizing that. I shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of my abusers and I shouldn’t have to deal with such severe developmental delays from trauma. It has completely complicated my life and I don’t know how I’m going to heal from all this.
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