Do you ever just deny yourself the ability to use self-care techniques in order to aid in your mental health?

[Luna_Moth]

I’ve been triggered these past few weeks and have been having somatic responses in my body.

Ever since I was a teenager, I would lie in my bed and just doomscroll all day. This would be in response to my somatic responses because I did not know what was happening or why I felt the way I did. I would deny myself any relaxation or joy, and I’m not sure if I felt like it was because I deserved divine punishment or if it just happened to be maladaptive. I’ve had complex-PTSD since I was 5, which was thrown under the rug by my narcissistic parents, and I wasn’t given any tools to handle any of the trauma I dealt with besides somatic therapy as a preschooler/toddler. I stopped going for some reason and my parents never put me back in it.

I did have “self-care” techniques I used as a small child, but that all included maladaptive daydreaming, dissociation, and using play as a distraction from fear and stress.

The religious trauma I had as a kid fueled the fear and stress even more, and I would obsessively monitor my thoughts because I believed that if I was bad or thought dirty things that God would punish me. My mother also parentified me by sharing her fears of Satanists and how they kidnap children and use them for sacrifices. She would describe how they would be sacrificed them to demons and this would enable the practitioners to have supernatural powers by becoming possessed, and how demons would drag people to hell if they wouldn’t accept Christ. I had to be around 5 years old and this was after I already showed signs of PTSD and developmental trauma. She told me this knowing full well that I already had severe nightmares about being chased, kidnapped, and abused. Not only was I afraid for my life, but my soul was tainted and I needed saving. In my mind, I was inherently bad and deserved to be punished and traumatized.

I remember drawing naked women and my mother would shame and scold me for it. There were also dreams that I’ve had of my parents molesting me and I demonized myself for my brain even producing that because I thought was being a filthy, dirty, and sinful little girl. I would repeatedly ask God for forgiveness for being sinful and fleshly. My mom would mentally and psychologically abuse me, while my father would get physically abusive. I’ve dissociated throughout my whole childhood.

This childhood fear would seep into my teen hood, and I had the same childlike fears of demons and Satanists who would be out to hurt me. I was also afraid of being sexually touched and got triggered by porn, and that’s what caused me to stay in bed and doomscroll because I couldn’t handle it and it was the best way I knew how to function.

Now that I’m older I know what the truth is and I now know my mom is full of shit, even though there’s still a reptilian part of my brain that still screams danger despite logically knowing that that stuff about Satanists and Satanism wasn’t true.

Fast forward to my mid-20s and my parents told me I was brainwashed and had false memories implanted in my head by a therapist. I never mentioned any memories to them.

At the age of 28, I got triggered by a man after opening up sexually to him. Being sexually inhibited all my life has led me to believe that I may have been a victim of CSA due to having PTSD since I was 3 or 4, and that fear also seeped into everything else and made everything ten times worse. I was also triggered into having a somatic flashback by a statement that an online predator said to me. He stated that the fact I was a toddler made him leak precum. That made me spiral out of control and caused really tense sensations in my vagina where I felt like I was being raped.

Before that, my parents called me two weeks after I told my dad about my trauma and my mom was in the background. It was almost like she was there to coach him to not say the wrong thing. That triggered me so bad that it caused me to regress even more into a terrified little girl who needed her stuffie and a toddler TV show in order to calm me down.

Now I’m having somatic responses again, and it feels like it’s getting worse. This was due to being told by my grandmother that she doesn’t believe me and after I had my parents tell me I need to apologize to them for cutting them off. She didn’t even give me the chance to explain my symptoms of the disorder and instead cut me off and stated that “she’ll pray for me”. f*ck THAT BITCH. Now I’m denying myself self-care and I don’t know if it’s due to self-hatred or if it’s maladaptive or both. I’m supposed to be practicing mindfulness techniques as part of my homework by my therapist, and I can’t even do that right.

Now I’m resorting to the same behaviors I had as a teen and I hate it so f*cking much. I want to heal and get better and I’m tired of my family getting in the way of that.

I have never been a balanced person in my entire life and I’m only now realizing that. I shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of my abusers and I shouldn’t have to deal with such severe developmental delays from trauma. It has completely complicated my life and I don’t know how I’m going to heal from all this.

 

[Sideways]

I’m supposed to be practicing mindfulness techniques as part of my homework by my therapist, and I can’t even do that right.

Mindfulness is a skill that we learn through practice. It’s not something that we innately know how to do. So start small with your goals and expectations.

You mind drifts away from the task over and over, and that’s okay. That’s what our minds do. The practice helps us get better at noticing our mind has done that, and then gently guiding us back to the task.

Practicing mindfulness isn’t the kind of skill where you do it and you’re good, or you can’t do it so you’re screwed. You gradually get better and better the more you practice, and it gradually helps more and more as you practice.

If you’re struggling with the form of mindfulness that you’re using, there’s loads of options. I find guided mindfulness really helpful. I also practice my mindfulness during daily tasks that I know I can really focus my mind on (washing dishes and gardening are my personal go-to).

One of the most helpful mindfulness resources I remember from learning mindfulness was this one (which still cracks me up!):

 

[Luna_Moth]

You mind drifts away from the task over and over, and that’s okay. That’s what our minds do. The practice helps us get better at noticing our mind has done that, and then gently guiding us back to the task.

Yeah whenever I get triggered, I go from successful mindfulness to full on maladaptive behaviors that keep me from having a still mind. I think I’m gonna discuss this in therapy with my next session.

Practicing mindfulness isn’t the kind of skill where you do it and you’re good, or you can’t do it so you’re screwed. You gradually get better and better the more you practice, and it gradually helps more and more as you practice.

Yeah I’ve only done it twice and then got triggered and so stopped doing it.

If you’re struggling with the form of mindfulness that you’re using, there’s loads of options. I find guided mindfulness really helpful. I also practice my mindfulness during daily tasks that I know I can really focus my mind on (washing dishes and gardening are my personal go-to).

I’ll look into that.

My therapist recommended the 5-4-3-2-1 technique and the TIPP exercise found in DBT.

 

[Sideways]

My therapist recommended the 5-4-3-2-1 technique and the TIPP exercise found in DBT.

Yeah, so those are grounding exercises, which are slightly different. Probably more useful than mindfulness strategies when you’re triggered. TIPP skills in particular.

Keeping frozen oranges in the freezer to hold in your hands is often a good alternative to splashing water on your face. But for persistent OTT flashbacks, jump under a cold shower.

Yeah I’ve only done it twice and then got triggered and so stopped doing it.

Yeah whenever I get triggered, I go from successful mindfulness to full on maladaptive behaviors

Try and be patient with yourself. That’s exactly how we all are when our PTSD is triggered. If we didn’t react maladaptively, it’s probably not a trigger.

Time, practice and patience is what changes this. You will get better at it with those. Unfortunately, there is no healthy and sustainable quick fix.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Thanks for the advice @Sideways

I’ve always been really hard on myself for slipping up, so this has managed to make me feel better.

 

[Maisie]

Hi @Luna_Moth just thought I’d check in with you to see how you’re doing? Have you found some strategies to help?
My ptsd has been triggered too recently. I’ve had to really slow down to cope. I’ve been avoiding some things I usually do during the week because it just feels too challenging right now, but hopefully I’ll get back to them soon.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Hi @Luna_Moth just thought I’d check in with you to see how you’re doing? Have you found some strategies to help?
My ptsd has been triggered too recently. I’ve had to really slow down to cope. I’ve been avoiding some things I usually do during the week because it just feels too challenging right now, but hopefully I’ll get back to them soon.

Right now I’m working on DBT skills with my therapist, but other than that I don’t have any updates on my mental health.

 

[Teamoisabigcat]

Hi, I was tormenting myself for years, couldn’t stop smoking weed even though it gave me panic attack.

About mindfulness or meditation - I went to 10 days meditation monastery, didn’t know I have CPTSD and it reinforced my freeze/fawn responses. I’m a buddhist and was growing up with the teaching and practice. It’s not always helpful. The practice wasn’t build for ppl with mental disorder. If you don’t feel like sitting and breathing blissfully don’t force yourself to do it. I found walking meditation works better. You walk and walk and think and speak to yourself and let it out then you start to notice the air, the moving, your legs, the sky, tree. You mentioned somatic and I’ve tried somatic dancing. It was great. Mana movement is great too. It combined meditation and movement - I’d really recommend you to look it up.

All I want to say don’t be so hard on yourself. I’d say listen to your body- if you don’t want to sit still don’t do it. Your stress and anger needs to be released. I found running and listen to linking park helps me. You’ll find what works best for you.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Hi, I was tormenting myself for years, couldn’t stop smoking weed even though it gave me panic attack.

About mindfulness or meditation - I went to 10 days meditation monastery, didn’t know I have CPTSD and it reinforced my freeze/fawn responses. I’m a buddhist and was growing up with the teaching and practice. It’s not always helpful. The practice wasn’t build for ppl with mental disorder. If you don’t feel like sitting and breathing blissfully don’t force yourself to do it. I found walking meditation works better. You walk and walk and think and speak to yourself and let it out then you start to notice the air, the moving, your legs, the sky, tree. You mentioned somatic and I’ve tried somatic dancing. It was great. Mana movement is great too. It combined meditation and movement - I’d really recommend you to look it up.

All I want to say don’t be so hard on yourself. I’d say listen to your body- if you don’t want to sit still don’t do it. Your stress and anger needs to be released. I found running and listen to linking park helps me. You’ll find what works best for you.

Yeah last time I did a meditation where I only focused on my breathing, I ended up having panic attacks and somatic flashbacks. I’ve also read that that stuff can happen with Buddhist monks and it makes me wonder if those monks have their issues they need to address.