Have You Ever Had Your Mental Health Thrown Back At You

[Ronin]

My answer to the question posed in the headline of the topic is more like 'When did you not have your mental health thrown back at you'. That one I'd have a reply to. Health & mental health both. It's still new to me.

Families doing that, of whatever type? In my book they get a red card & no going back. Not saying that isn't a process... but they're no functional family to treat their own that way.

 

[SnowJo]

I don't let over sensitivity wreck my relationship with my kid or grandkids, when I allow it I suffer the most. Having issues as a parent caused issues for them and I am growing wise enough to own that now, and understand that they too do the best they can with what they have today. But when we criticize them even if in their best interests, they don't always have the inner strength to hear it and sometimes retaliation occurs, sadly where we are most vulnerable sometimes. Thats when I need to understand they are lashing out and it's really nothing to do with me at that point it's a way to deflect. My choice is to be a loving leader of my family with a focus on getting well rather than using my mental health as an excuse for not being able to step up and accepting their weaknesses to be permanent, which I don't believe is true, just as I don't believe I will be unwell forever for myself. They too grow especially in the loving warmth of a parent who acts like a wise loving leader, so that's my goal. I will be there for my grandkids, I will recognize when I hurt my child's feelings and act appropriately as a loving parent, and if I am weak sometimes, I will forgive myself the same way I forgive them and get back on track towards having my loving family. Sometimes all I need to do is explain that I love them, want what's best for them and that is why I shared my concern not to judge them or humiliate them but to support them being healthy and happy long term. I won't let adult tantrums ruin my family experience when they are only 1% of the picture. I see the good and the bad and realise how good it really is. I strive to learn to be stronger and to desensitize triggers that don't serve me, and to learn better ways to communicate truth to help my family, and know when to let things be as well. But to always speak if I see genuine danger for my families future, just as I would want someone to tell me.

 

[Cheettos]

Hi,
The only reason I am posting this as anonymous is if ever my children found out I was on this sit...

I can say honestly Yes. I have had mine thrown back at me a few times and it hurts like hell and it hurts worse from those you love the most, and who you would expect to understand you more then anyone else, to have it thrown in your face. The way I found out was by reading an email between my spouse and friends. It made me feel the same way you just mentioned to just keep my mouth shut, but honestly that would do more damage then good and cause a divide and lack of connect with them. You have to ask yourself this, is it fair to be cruel to ourselves because other people don't understand fully? Is it fair to be cruel to others because we feel or they don't truly understand? I get it that is hard for people to not fully understand if they don't have to deal with it or don't experience the ptsd as we do. It's no excuse for them to make you feel that way. It's no excuse for us to let them make us feel this way. It's no excuse to make them feel horrible either. You can't control people or how they feel or what they really understand, all you can do is control yourself and how you let it affect you. It's a hard lesson, but once you get there, you feel better. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It doesn't mean they don't like you or want to be around you. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. It means they don't know how to be there and how to deal with it. We have no idea how it really affects the people we care about either. A person can say "yea I understand" But in truth they might think they do, to find out they don't and that might frustrate them and make them angry or feel guilty, because they feel like they let you down and themselves down. We all know how bad that feels to feel like you disappointed those you love. I think we put a lot of expectations on others, when really we should just be learning about ourselves and depending more on how to better our self as a person and grow from it and to beat our battles with ptsd and being there for ourselves and loving ourselves. I almost lost my marriage to my ptsd. It is still in the rocky stages. I have a very loving spouse, and I didn't understand how they felt, because they were afraid to tell me due to my triggers, that wasn't fair to them either or me. Not knowing what I was doing to them and keep expecting more out of them almost cost me the person i love the most. It was against their will and mine to push them away from me, and that is why we are still together and working on making it better. Communication is very good, really talking and not getting upset with them when they tell you how they truly feel and why, Just really taking some time to see it from their view and then having them hear yours and coming to a agreement with each other instead of blaming and expecting them to just deal with it. Hearing them out even if it is something you don't want to hear. Believe me I heard some really tough shit from my spouse, but it was needed, it really opened my eyes to what i was doing and how bad i was hurting them. Instead of taking your experience with them as a negative, make it a positive. Challenge yourself. You can't have any kind of an honest relationship with anyone if you can't be open to one another and be willing to work on yourself. Yes they need to work on themselves too. This is a two way thing, not a one way. Relationships of any kind are never easy. You have to ask yourself if it is worth keeping to work for? You might come out better in handing your ptsd without thinking you would. I hope you get feeling better. I have been dealing with a lot of shit with it too, but make yourself stronger. Be the tiger in you. The truth is no one is going to make you happy, but they can be happy with you. Only you can make yourself truly happy. I forgot to add this about your children. Clearly there is something going on with them, and perhaps they don't know how to react to it either, do NOT take it personal because that really is their issue. I understand you wanting to be the supportive loving mom and i respect that. Whatever is going on for them, it is always easier to snap at someone else when you, yourself feel like shit, even if you don't mean it.

 

[Friday]

@anonymous... There's pretty much no way to criticize someone's parenting without upsetting them that I know of. How a person reacts when they're upset? Depends on the person. It sounds like you've spoken to your son & his wife about their drinking several times and it has progressed, from the polite laugh off, to flat out dismissal, to now they're starting to lash back at you.

I would honestly suggest dropping it. Not because you're useless, or to stop talking altogether, but unless they're brain damaged they get that you have a problem with their drinking & parenting by now. No matter how nicely you phrase it. You disapprove of them, but you have also made offers of assistance. They know you're there if they need help. Continuing to badger them? Is only going to result in more blowback. They've said no, repeatedly, and you're not respecting that.

As far as the Q as to whether I've had things about me thrown at me, or judged? Absolutely. Especially in areas where there is a perceived "best". Whether that's parenting, lifestyle, work, health, appearance, punctuality, etc. Sometimes those accusations sting, sometimes they're like a punch in the gut... And sometimes they make me amused, or flat out fall over laughing. Usually depends on how secure I am, myself, in my choices. But some days it's just the straw that breaks the camels back, or I happen to be having a fantastic day and no amount of other people's issues with me can touch me.

 

[Mit]

I think @FridayJones has hit the nail on the head.

I'm a parent, not a grandparent (yet) but I know I react, sometimes unfairly to perceived criticism by my parents. I think it's human nature and I hope my parents don't ever read too much into it. It says more about my own insecurities than their competence. I'd suggest you do as Friday suggests.

But don't use their reaction as a weapon to beat yourself up with, it isn't a judgement on your competence as a mother. The fact that you care shows you are a normal loving parent. Kids, people.... are fickle, they take what they want and leave what they don't, often including well intentioned sound advice, I've done the same, so many times.

So far as having mental health issues thrown back at you. Sadly yes. I had an issue (have I should say....) that brought the authorities into the orbit of my life. I explained the history behind the behaviour and even asked for help, but the authorities had already decided my issues were not due to mental health, CPTSD, childhood trauma and the like. They just wanted to believe I was a bad person with a sinister agenda. Five years down the line and they've been proved wrong over and over, and with the help of therapists I feel I am getting close to believing in me again, and putting the attitude and actions of my detractors behind me (so far as I can, alas some things can't be undone..).

I'm a good guy with some mental health issues, and you're a good mother, keep hold of that belief, because it's true.