Doubting whether my trauma is real again…

I’ve been feeling very angry and irritable these past few weeks. I think I’m becoming depressed right now and am starting to doubt myself and my intuition. Mainly because I can’t pinpoint what transpired my trauma since I was so young when symptoms started to manifest. I had to be around 4 or 5 when teachers stated that they detected something wrong.

I guess I’m just trying not to fill in the dots because my therapist tells me that that can lead to false memories and that I should let things be. However, it’s hard for me to do that because PTSD is about what has happened to you, not so much about something innate or that you’re born with unless trauma happened to you in the womb. I don’t know how accurate that is because I’m not that familiar with developmental trauma even though I want to learn more about it.

the question of why one traumatized person develops ptsd while others can shake off the after effects with relative ease makes my ptsd circles on a routine basis. theories abound, but i have yet to hear a definitive answer. in my personal recovery, i have decided to let the mystery be. it is what it is, whether i understand it or not. i work with what's available.

while i agree that ptsd is not innate (it is something i have. not what i am), i disagree that it is about what happened to me. in my strictly personal recovery, it is about managing the symptoms which keep me from living my life to the fullest. yes, knowing the events is important in terms of recognizing the onset of episodes, but telling and retelling my trauma tales is far from satisfying or healing. i'd rather talk about politics, even in today's political climate.

arfie said:

the question of why one traumatized person develops ptsd while others can shake off the after effects with relative ease makes my ptsd circles on a routine basis. theories abound, but i have yet to hear a definitive answer. in my personal recovery, i have decided to let the mystery be. it is what it is, whether i understand it or not. i work with what's available.

while i agree that ptsd is not innate (it is something i have. not what i am), i disagree that it is about what happened to me. in my strictly personal recovery, it is about managing the symptoms which keep me from living my life to the fullest. yes, knowing the events is important in terms of recognizing the onset of episodes, but telling and retelling my trauma tales is far from satisfying or healing. i'd rather talk about politics, even in today's political climate.

Click to expand...

I think you and I are gonna have to agree to disagree.

Luna_Moth said:

I guess I’m just trying not to fill in the dots because my therapist tells me that that can lead to false memories and that I should let things be.

Click to expand...

Doubting yourself, and wanting to know your own history, are both things that I can relate to.

Unfortunately, it is incredibly important to allow your brain to set its own pace in terms of what you remember and when, if at all. Our brains are problem solvers, and if we push them to solve the problem of “what happened?” too hard, our brain will give us its best guess, wrapped up as a legitimate ‘memory’ that will be indistinguishable to you from your other memories. Definitely for me, I’d rather not know than know something that was entirely false (even though not knowing is incredibly uncomfortable).

You can still honour the fact that something has happened, and that you current suffering and distress is real and deserves healing.

Luna_Moth said:

I’ve been feeling very angry and irritable these past few weeks. I think I’m becoming depressed right now

Click to expand...

Can you pinpoint any particular triggers for this? Things that have been present/absent recently, feelings / thoughts / stressors that may be contributing to this?